Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

This is blood for blood and by the gallons. These are the old days man, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days. They're back! There's no choices left. And I'm ready for war. There's a reality that I have changed, and not for the better, i remember who I was, and who I have become... the only reality Is that I have become tired and disinterested from the battle, I want this war to end but I'm not about to sacrifice and ounce of ground, as long as I'm breathing it's still a fight, it's still a war, I'm just so fucking tired from it... I find it sad that you're latest blame game put it's on the one person who doesn't deserve all this.... you can break me down, but hiding behind out fucking child is cowardly... and exactly within you're character, it's exactly who you are... Me, I just keep being the same person I am, I've always had to fight and nothing's came easy, but you know what, that's fine with me... what you'

Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn't measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It's not winning battles that makes you happy, but it's how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go. If we don't fight for what we 'stand for' with our passionate words and honest actions, do we really 'stand' for anything? I don't know anymore where I end and the fight begins, This is all I have anymore in my life some days, even though i do have other things that i am thankful for in my life, there are days when all i want to do is throw punches and be violent and end this thing like a man instead of dealing with politics and mind games. of course if I allow myself to get down to that level i might as well admit to myself that she has already won. I'm stronger than that, but there are days like today and yest

You can lose a lot of soldiers but still win the game. As Expected, Today went no where. the only thing gained was we now understand each other, all the cards are on the table.... and you've played you're hand... I have not played all of mine... but i do know this.. I have nothing to fear from any of your so called surprises, there's nothing left for you to make me fear.... you are as transparent now as you are even going to be and we know the lay of the land... you will lose. I didn't need to hear you lying, but the cadence in your voice not only showed that you were afraid of the process but you are afraid of me.. so afraid that you are willing to lie to accomplish your own selfish wants and needs....The only thing that has changed in your character is that you know that you are losing and have changed tactics to appear more sympathetic to accomplish your own twisted desires. that story will unravel in court, 5 fucking years and you can't keep your story straigh

Silence is where my demons lurk, taunting me endlessly day after day until the end of time...yet still I wait, revelling in their company... To fight with demons, your intent must be pure. And even then, there's no guarantee you'll win. More Waiting, More What if's, Tomorrow Might lead to something, But given how well I know my enemy I sincerely fucking doubt it... it's pretty sad that I can know someone so intimately because of her actions after the relationship that ended over a decade ago than i ever knew the person when we were together... that's a sad fucking commentary on the type of people we both are.... all i can do is sit and wait and expect for the best, but my faith in that ever happening.. is very, very low.. yet I'll still go on, fighting, trying to make something of the final destination, because that's kind of fucking man I am, i don't know how to fucking back down, I don't understand the word retreat or surrender. Current Moo

Never trust a demon. He has a hundred motives for anything he does ... Ninety-nine of them, at least, are malevolent. You won't find angels in hell, only demons that know how to play with yours It's fucking disgusting how much I have to keep dealing with the system just to get any leverage and a chance to see my kid. If I have to be the demon warrior to get things done, so be it. I'm always better as the red ONI anyways. I'm always better when I'm angry and driven. Maybe this constant actual anger is healthier for me than the apathy of expecting others to do this shut for me. I'll examine every avenue to get things down, if I won't back down from her then I won't back down from them. It's time to channel all this anger and frustration into a positive direction and make changes. The way it's going right right now nothing is changes, if it ruffles a few feathers or makes things harder for a few people so be it, I don't give a fuck. This nee

This will be a fight against overwhelming odds from which survival cannot be expected. We will do what damage we can, Their is only the angry, emotional side of me left, everything else has been stripped away, do you know what happens when a man has nothing, do you know how feral he gets? This animal has teeth and claws, I might lash out, but you know what that might be exactly what's fucking needed. It might be time to stop waiting and wondering if so called systems of pathetic justice are going to give me my day in court and instead force my fucking day in court, I always was a criminal, even more than her pathetic alcoholic goof brother, because I was a smart criminal, I got away with more than I was ever convicted for, maybe I need to go back to that, maybe I need to be the monster she claims I am and find myself in shackles, that way I'll be able to find my day in court somehow. Too many fucking questions remain and there is nothing but anger and familiar old patterns of

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. I'm sick of this fucking waiting while His life hangs in the fucking balance, we should be In fucking court now moving forward not allowing this bullshit status quo to fucking continue... both of us are sick of the battle and it affects all of our fucking lives, and it has turned me grey... it's a battle i will never back down but i am more than sick of fighting it.... I want my day in court or a settlement that will get my son back in my fucking life... those are the only options, I am afraid that day will never come and I am not sure if that is a result of the way the fucking system works or the ones i have entrusted to look after my interests. All i know is for the moment is that we are sitting here, we are waiting.... for a day that never comes... it should not take this long for this to to end, and I am seriously wondering how many times we are going to have to g

Let them hate, as long as they fear. I don't hide behind my darkness, I use it as a strength to fight my fucking battles, there is anger and there is a dark place within, but unlike others I acknowledge my dark side and I can use it for positive ends, I'm not sure the next step in my life but I do know that whatever it is I'm prepared for it and that I can retreat into a very dark place if I need to gather strength. I don't mince words and my trust level is very fucking low right now, support me or don't, that's where I fucking stand at the current moment. Is it a goddamn very dark place? Hell yeah it is, but it's my dark place and it provides comfort. I know who I am amongst the shadows and uncertainty. I choose to be in that fucking place for a reason. I choose to fight. It's always going to be my most valuable defence mechanism esp when I know that I'm going to war, esp when I don't know if I'm going to win, all I know is that I'm n

Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed. I have honestly stopped fucking caring about anything anymore, all I do is fucking fight everyone and I can't keep anything of value in my life so what's the fucking point anymore? At the end of this month some serious fucking decisions are going to be made about my life, about my relationships in this life, and what I truly want in my life. I'm sick of everything that isn't going the way it should and some of those decisions haven't been mine, I'm seriously considering what the next step is, there is only one real concern I have is the only thing I am fucking focusing on, all the rest of this shit, it's real easy to snap to fucking judgement and walk away, I've given up so much of what I am and was, what's a little bit more? It's not like there's anything important in my life that allows me to fight for my principles or general comfort

Better the devil you know than the angel you don't. I dislike the tricks my mind are playing with me right now, sleepless nights waiting for phantom phone calls I have no fucking interest in answering yet I want to happen because it's a connection to the one, only important thing in my life. Questions that need answering, but as long as I take this stance that I need to and be the aggressor, be the one who is standing his ground, I might not get those answers, not that I would want them from her anyways, that's not how the game is played, but you know what, the game is ending. This is becoming an end, I have no illusions to a positive end but I'll know two things at the end of the day, I stood my ground and I never stopped fighting for my son. The balls not in my corner for the moment to end this, but it is going to end shortly, that part is gonna happen. I have nothing left to prove to you or anyone, I have stood my ground for 5 years, I'm still here, I'm st

I open at the close. Breathing fast and hard, he stared down at it. Now that he wanted time to move as slowly as possible, he seemed to have sped up, and understanding was coming so fast it seemed to have bypassed thought. This was the close. This was the moment. He pressed the golden metal to his lips and whispered, “I am about to die.” There is But one option and it has been put into place, let's see what you are going to do with it, but regardless of your actions and decisions, right now, Right here, this is exactly how the story is going to end, it's your choice on which terms it does, I've given you my terms and that's the only way it ends in a civil manner. it comes down to your decisions in the next ten days or so, My personal opinion is to give you No quarter and let nature run it's course and let you expose yourself. but we will see it's not about my well being or yours, Only about his and doing what's right for him, that's the only fucking

He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared. This is going to be where one of Us blinks... I've got no problem staring you down on a battlefield and offering you terms of surrender, Only thing is you need to know is that I never fucking will. This is a game, and I have always been the better fucking tactician and this move has been anticipated and I have planned for it. it's always going to come down to the person who manipulate the pieces on the chess board better, we've been playing this game for far too long. the difference is, I know how to play the game and you don't. I prepare for every strategy. Never forget who taught you how to play the game, Trust me I haven't. There is only way this game ends and it will not be in another stalemate. it's too late for that option. you are running out of time and options and this is you boxed into a corner and it's only a matter of moves and actions before the game ends. and from start to

A mediocre person tells. A good person explains. A superior person demonstrates. A great person inspires others to see for themselves.. My Friendship and support isn't fucking free, and I'm getting sick of people that are supposedly supportive in my life only around when they need or fucking want something from me, I'm going into the fucking challenge of my goddamn life, and i don't need the distraction from selfish fucking people who show there true colors the minute anything is fucking asked from them. I just sacrificed a week and I'm not terribly happy about it. there is a reason i choose my battles wisely and when i see others around me that frustrate me because i don't have patience for, it makes it real fucking easy to withdraw from everyone, Only those that are truly important should be the ones I'm fucking focusing on, especially at this late stage, the rest of them fuck em. Deep down I'm Not a nice Person and when push comes to shove I'm g