I have honestly stopped fucking caring about anything anymore, all I do is fucking fight everyone and I can't keep anything of value in my life so what's the fucking point anymore? At the end of this month some serious fucking decisions are going to be made about my life, about my relationships in this life, and what I truly want in my life. I'm sick of everything that isn't going the way it should and some of those decisions haven't been mine, I'm seriously considering what the next step is, there is only one real concern I have is the only thing I am fucking focusing on, all the rest of this shit, it's real easy to snap to fucking judgement and walk away, I've given up so much of what I am and was, what's a little bit more? It's not like there's anything important in my life that allows me to fight for my principles or general comfort level in my fucking life, everything I do is wrong even when I'm trying to do the right thing but of course even if I'm being taken advantage of or bullied, I'm the hostile and fucking wrong one. I honestly think I was a better person when I was more willing to not make compromises, and I wasn't willing to be a nice person and try and make the fucking world work, I'm not a nice person at my core, I'm a fucking asshole. I'm done having fucking patience for people who think they can intimidate me, have you looked at me lately? I'm 250+ pounds and six foot tall, I'm not easily intimidated not do I back down from anyone, not from psychical, verbal or mental intimidation. I've stared down a lot more serious issues than the current few. I'm about to once Agian face both mine and her darkest hours, and I have no faith that there will ever be a resolution there. These petty things that frustrate me I have seriously been ignoring as much as I fucking can, but it's becoming more than I can deal with when all the bullshit accumulates. There is a real issue in my life, it's been there for the last 5 fucking years, I'm not functional to deal with anything but that right fucking now. Anything else can fucking wait, but it does frustrate me to see everything I've worked for the last few years go down the fucking drain and for what? To maintain things in my life I'm long since fucking sick of? The reality of my world is I don't look back and I don't fucking regret any decisions I make ever, and in my mind I am formulating some serious fucking decisions right now and the only thing that will effect that is where the chess board pieces end up at the end of this godforsaken month of hell. I'm not fighting any other battles except the ones I have to, if there's a reason otherwise I'll find the fucking strength but I am sick of dealing with petty struggles and nonsense when I am barely surviving myself, I don't mind survival at the bare minimum that I can endure, it's not like this is the first fucking time I have had to, especially in the winter months, I'm just frustrated by the fact that everything is in my shoulders and that's where it stands, in this moment, in this life, at this point in time I only have one fucking goal and one fucking battle to win, there rest of it, just doesn't matter, good, bad, angry, hostile or violent? I'll play by the rules but I'm not going to be fucking bullied in my time of fucking darkness. It's not happening. I've lost interest in the toy thing for a number of reasons not the least of which it was always a means to end with a few things left for me and my son. Mostly to make up for the years I have lost. Let's see how these two intertwined games end because at the end of the day both of these moments in my life meant everything and are ultimately useless. I can't get frustrated or uptight, that's not how I work anymore, but this albatross has fallen from around my neck. It's over. I'm not looking back on the last five years with nostalgia or any kind of fond memory, things happened. I survived. That's it, nothing more. One last thing has been accomplished that was a promise to myself when I made fucking sacrifices last year, but the reality is that this isn't over by a long shot, not until the glass shelves are built and the remnants of whatever is left is placed in them, this thing has to stand for something. Even if only a little left. It will speak to 3+ years of my life, and all of the battles and frustrations endured. Ones that continue to this day, I'm feeling underwhelmed and under appreciated for a lot of fucking reasons by people I trusted, next week is going to be a breaking point, those that don't support me especially those who have most recently been a part of the drain on my fucking resources and my time, I'm gonna do what I need to and broom any negative influences from my fucking life. That's going to be my choice. I have options going forward but anyone draining on my life anymore is not going to fucking be part of my life, give it a week or so and we will fuckin see where everyone stands and whose being left behind in the dust. I don't like being controlled or letting anyone think they can control my fucking destiny, that's not how it works. Things are about me and only me, I have to develop that attitude because my giving nature has led to me stabbed in the back more times than I can count. It's about fucking time that I did things for me not for fucking others, at the end of the day only a few matter other than me, and when push comes to shove only one person in my life matters more than my wants and needs and that's my son. Relationships that never were and/or should not have been defined by fucking money have constantly been defined by exactly that. It's a sad fucking commentary on the world and on my interpersonal relationships when I can survive and/or provide for with nothing but my wits and my attitude of never backing down no matter what this world throws at me. If I'm out if options I'm dead, and i am still fucking breathing. There's always options and always choices, at this point it's just a matter of defining exactly what those options and choices are. Let's roll the dice, in a week everything fucking changes anyways. I've defined myself exactly how I have wanted to, and this is one last ending to that which has fucking fed me the last few years. It's been a long ending, but minus a few things I need to replace because of thieves connected to the toy nonsense that don't think that certain items have fucking value because they are important to me, it's very clear this door needs to be closed, and honestly this is the best fucking time to make it at an end. I'm used to having fucking things and being able to provide for myself and not depending on others for anything. It's better for me when the only factors in my life are the ones I choose to be there. I can take care of myself when I fucking have to. That's the game and those are the fucking rules I play with and by. I don't hurt no one but I need to fucking take care of myself and my boy first, that's the only option in my life. When it comes down to it I know I can do that, whatever it fucking takes, by any means necessary. I'm sick of barely surviving because that's my only fucking option, it's winter, it's not like the old habits help in this type of weather, I'm really sick of not having any tangible options, it's time to look long and hard on my life and figure out exactly what I fucking want with it, and make decisions for me and only me. I know one thing, I don't have fucking time for people that only need me when they need something, and leave me to my own fucking misery when I need some help that is owed in more ways than one. It might be mercenary and it is negative but you know what, I long ago stopped associating with people that were poison in my life, and anyone stabbing me in the back in this moment is going to get broomed, gone.
Current Mood: Depressed. Determined.
Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.
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