Their is only the angry, emotional side of me left, everything else has been stripped away, do you know what happens when a man has nothing, do you know how feral he gets? This animal has teeth and claws, I might lash out, but you know what that might be exactly what's fucking needed. It might be time to stop waiting and wondering if so called systems of pathetic justice are going to give me my day in court and instead force my fucking day in court, I always was a criminal, even more than her pathetic alcoholic goof brother, because I was a smart criminal, I got away with more than I was ever convicted for, maybe I need to go back to that, maybe I need to be the monster she claims I am and find myself in shackles, that way I'll be able to find my day in court somehow. Too many fucking questions remain and there is nothing but anger and familiar old patterns of behaviour to return to. Ten years ago I sacrificed everything, for what? To barely be a father to my child? To barely survive and never eat while using all of income to fight court battles and keep a fucking roof over my head? The problem with doing the right thing is that as long as it's the right thing you're going to suffer because people are ready and willing to take advantage when you tow the company line, I'm not that fucking person, it's long past time of politeness, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, no more time to play politics and be polite, fuck the goddamn chess game let the pieces shatter and scatter all around, sometimes the only way to win a battle is at the end of a blade covered in blood, surgical, precise, ending. This is not a war of words, this isn't about politics. This about blood, the most precious blood of both of ours. Our child. But if I need to get my hands dirty or take the game out of the classroom and into the real world, so be it, what's the worse they can do, hold me for two years less a day before I get my day in court? It's better than five fucking years that you have taken away, for what to gain some meaningless advantage over me in your pathetic life? Yeah that worked out so well for you didn't it? The only reason you're still fucking breathing is my lifelong vow never to hit or be violent towards women and children. You know me well enough to know this, I'm not the man you love anymore, I think it's long since time you realized that, but the longer this fucking goes, I am becoming the monster you fear, difference being maybe you should fucking fear, all it takes is one bad day to set a man over the edge and I've had a half decade of bad days one after another after another, more than enough to kill a lesser man due to stress alone, yet somehow ridiculously, I'm still standing, I'm still breathing, I'm still here, for a greater purpose, for that little boy, because everything else can fade away, as long as the same blood that beats in this hollowed out chest if mine fuels his innocent little heart I'll fight for him, I'll never walk away, I'll never give up. You should have known better bitch, a day like today makes it fucking harder and sets my mind to racing and it betrays itself with a million thoughts, but the one thought that is pure, one day I will see my son Agian, and on that day I will not be the only one with something to answer for, are you ready for that, are these systems of fucking control ready for that? I'm prepared for him to hate me, he will know i fought and never backed down from doing what was right by him, but he can hate me, I know that I won't be the only one he hates, I just wonder with everything you've made that poor little man endure in your mad sadistic quest for a meaningless revenge on me, if you'll be able able to live with yourself if he hates you as well, I hope you can, you deserve that fucking burden, just like you deserve all the crosses you bear right now, my only cross to bear is that in his darkest moment of his life on 2 occasions both times his mother betraying him, I wasn't there to protect my son. That's the only cross I bear, I blame you Chloe dancer for this crown of thorns I wear. That's who I'm always going to be, the one who bears the weight of your mistakes and greed in your life, the person you can't be, the mature fucking adult, the one who gets up every morning and says how are we going to end the fight today and actually thinks about actions that could shatter a person, or psyche, I showed u a little of who I was by standing firm on a telephone call or the court appearances, but when it comes down to it, if and fucking when we actually get this into court, when it's down to the bone, this is a fight, not a fucking game, not battleship, not chess, not Mario , not call of fucking duty, this is about where the blood meets the fucking bone, and I'll be throwing fucking punches with no remorse, I'll be tossing bombs, I'm more than prepared to lose a little skin and scrape my knuckles, that's how fighting is done, this is a war but we've long since stopped being a honourable engagement there are no rules, only the ones I choose to follow and every day the list of them gets less and less. I'm ready to bleed and I'm ready for anything and everything you got, so stop being a coward and face me like a woman, because we know the one thing you will never be is a man, and I honestly doubt you're fucking ability to raise him to be a good man, the last thing I want him to have in this world is you as a moral fucking compass, there needs to be a counterbalance to that, even if it has to come in a blunt instrument capable of only destruction in my wake. I can live with that, because it means I fucking tried, and I never backed down until someone took me out of the fight, and that's not fucking happening as long as I draw breath. Kill me first.
You're just another pathetic person in a long fucking list of pathetic people in my life I don't need in my life, the only reason you occupy real estate in my head space is because you are the mother of my child, that's our only emotional connection, that's the only fucking reason anymore you mean anything to me. But that emotion is black, that emotion is hate. When he asks me if I ever loved you I might answer him truthfully, but I will also tell him the moment you turned every emotion I have for you into cold black hate, the only thing I respect from you is that you are the mother of my child, other than that you are a cold manipulative bitch who has played the system for far too fucking long, and when you were losing you tried to manipulate me, it's too bad yer predictable, just like the telephone call I am expecting, I'll be able to outline every reason I hate you to him, without remorse, you are the one responsible for all of this, you took away my life and everything I had to work for and gave me only one option which was to fight, and you took the one thing that matters more to me than my own goddamn life away from me for five goddamn years, what makes you think I'm ever going to give up? What makes you think that I'm ever considering playing nice anymore? I'm not that guy, I know how to be the dirtiest player in the game, I know how to cheat, and this is not a game, this is a back alley bare knuckle street fight now, there are no rules of engagement, none, save one, I'm following. Hope you're up to the task, I don't mind if my knuckles bleed, let's shed some skin, let's tear some meat off of one another, you've already taken your pounds of flesh. My turn. I'm sick of being strong when all I want to do is fall apart inside, but I won't. You can't win. I can deal with waiting, it just frustrates me that it has taken so damn long, and so much has already been taken from us, more so even from him, all by the choices you alone made to remove me from his life. I don't claim to understand the system and I don't trust most of the players in the game, I'm sick of being fucking manipulated with my back against the wall. This isn't a game, it's a fight, let's treat it as one. Sometimes in war, you don't get the luxury of playing nice and being respectful to your allies and enemies, sometimes you just have to attack and let the ashes fall. I know my art of war. More than anything else what is killing me at this moment is the waiting. It's frustrating. Is this all my sons life is truly worth? More waiting for court politicians to decide that his life and relationship with his father are fucking important? I'll never back down but I am very fucking war weary and I just want to see an ending some day. I have to have my anger and hate towards you, and towards the system that has made both of us exactly who we are, you the master manipulator, me the unbending warrior. I simply don't know how to back down of compromise. All I know how to do is fight, I don't understand how to lose, all I know how to do is throw punches and keep taking them without ever being knocked down. I'm battered and broken but I'm still standing Bitch. That's the way it's always gonna be. Standing between you and him, forever.
Because at the end of this that's all it's about, me, you and him, forget the courts, forget the lawyer, this could have just as easily been settled in the streets but I am no longer like that, but sometimes I wonder if a direct confrontation which you have never shed away from wouldn't be the best answer at this moment. Because my day in court isn't forthcoming.
Current Mood: Angry, Destructive.
Current Music: Eminem, Space Bound.
He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature.
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