Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I live every day with the fear of another loved one dying in my arms and/or my door being smashed in and my life being destroyed agian. If i decide to move on to protect the little bit of mental health and peace i have left. You are all gone. Forgotten. Thats where I am agian. It might be time to go fucking dark. I'm already nuts and institutional. Whats the world minus one more crazy conservative? I don't need to be here for anyone except my own inner circle and even those people, they drop like flies. The difference is before there was forgiveness. Now there's an absolute finalty. If you remove you from my chess board you are fucking gone. It's always only about the little king and the black queen anyways. And even the black queen is in a consideration to be forgotten herself agian. I don't have anyone thats always gonna be there at the end except for my own worst enemy. So I am cold or ablivent to losing someone in my life? Yeah I cut the love of my life out o...

  The list of lives I've broken reach from here to hell. I am absolutely done with people who want advice or help based on my experiences and dont take into the fact the emotional toll of asking the questions they present. Yes I worked in the field but they have been my enemy since I was a fucking kid. Im gonna be frank and fucking honest when dealing with the people that destroyed my life. Yes the protocol to protect everyone so no one is accountable is fucking systemic in the system, and keep in mind it is a system. I lost ny child to it despite keeping him out of the system and trusting his mother to take care of him. I do not need to be fucking triggered with questions without understanding that situation. I gave advice and I feel like I am being demonized for it. Sorry my opinion is tainted by the anger and hate i'm very much trying to distance myself from. But there are reasons I distance myself and let them fade away. Its not always about protecting myself. Ive thought f...

I am just Done with some people in my fucking life. I have my own issues and problems and responsibilities and im sick of being an emotional fucking lap dog for people that are only truly on the outskirts of my fucking life. If I have built a wall between us take that as a fucking hint that I want space. I will forgot your fucking name or that you even exist. I have to chose me no one else will and those that mattered most forgot I existed unless they needed sonething.  I am always better off alone. I know who watches the casket burn. The people who will be there at the end are already counted. I only need onr hand. Everyone else, let me burn out, ill only fade away. I'm done being angry for angers sake but im real sick of someone dragging me into their drama and them complaining I dont care enough or pay attenion to them. I don't do anyone else's drama I have enough of my own. Also, I DONT CARE. I never have and I never will. Its easier that way. Blame me and l...

Nothing fucking changes. We go from crisis to crisis. All I know is that someone who isn't kin to me has no reason to be treating his little sister and nephew the way he does. I am going to marry that girl finally. I dont know when I dont know how but there is no reason this constant fuckin lack of respect and this cycle of abuse and enabling needs to continue. You've never respected her. And i do. She and that little boy are my world. We are just complicated. Im trying to uncomplicate it. There was a reason family engagements were kept at arms length because I saw 20 years ago you didnt respect her, I know that you never fucking respected me. I dont care if you respect me, I know you fear me thats enough. All I want her to have is the peace I'm currently seeking. If i Need to be Mr. Mayhem to achieve that i have no issues doing so. No fucks given. I am scary. I am a mentally ill loner that society has rejected. I stand apart and I am not fucking afraid of anyone. Includin...

Things are starting to make a little more sense now. I am looking for peace but I also know what the last stop at the station leads to. I have no doubt of that. And I have no regrets about constantly extending the olive branch. It will always happen.  I see my future in your eyes. I always have. I still do. And he stands beside  you now. We need to think about somewhere else. Im not sure long term what the solution is. I know that every root we have is poisoned or ruins. I want you safe and free from drama. I always have. I will always be here. I will always be waiting. I want you to make a decision by the time im 50 but we have time still. I love you. Always. I know where I stand in our last moments already. I just want the moments in between. Those are the important ones.  We have given so many up. There are precious few we could have back. My life doesnt lead to you. You have to come to mind. We need to fix things or figure things out on our own terms. Not the wor...

I have enough fucking misery in my personal life. I dont need anyone more distractions from other parties. I walked away from them for a reason. I don't do angry or revenge for a reason. I'm busy taking care of things that need to be done while I am not entirely happy on a daily basis. All my life is all it has ever been is moments. Zero for anything else. The fact that someone took advantage of me in a moment where I wanted out of situation that just annoyed the fuck out of me and was ending anyways is irrelevant. I saw the writing on the wall and how much of a black hole your life was and how much you wanted to drag me into it. I divorced myself from tbe situation. Never forget I know you fucked over one of my oldest freinds from my old neighborhood. There are other reasons other than the obvious that you are forgotten. You just dont exist to me. Unless you make it a reality that you want to be existant.  Its probaly not in your best interests.

These are my Happy Moments. These are when I get to pretend my life is normal snd I am still free. Not brought down by the last 30 years of being an adult and responsibilities. Im going to have fun. I may be stuck in hamilton because of responsibilities both here and Niagara. But I am not bound by them. There are reasons much of my social circle are elsewhere and why I prefer to go elsewhere to have fun. I have options, I could be elsewhere. Alberta, Vancouver, Toronto even Windsor. I choose to stay for the moment. But I could move on and never look back. I have a good life and good freinds. But I also have enemies. At least some of them i dont sweat because they are cowards that would never say word one to my face. But I do care because an attack on me is a possible threat to those that I love. But I'm not the only one with loved ones, and while I'm at peace with my life and my place in it. I 100% still know how to wage a war. If i have to defend myself I will. I am fucking si...

I choose me. I am happy and my world isn't miserable. I do things. Alone as usual. But on my terms. There are no strings on me and no one weighing me down. Its better that way. I was never meant for anyone long term. I can barely take care of myself and my responsibilities. And of those I have had plenty. Its just the landscape kept changing and I adapted every single time. Now im sick of adapting. I am living life on my terms and my terms alone. Fit in or fuck off. I don't need anyone in my life that doesnt want to be there, drags me down or simply is adjecent. I have plenty of freinds. Most of them are arms length for a reason. You dont want to be simply in orbit and adjecent to me. Im fine and happy being a lone wolf. Always have been. I walk and go wherever I want. And I intimidate people randomly. I'm fine with being that in my personal life too.

Nothing ever changes. Sadly my world has a reality that I will watch someone I care about enable someone forever because thats how she has been raised to be accountable to be her brothers keeper. I have to stay in orbit because my son is her child and I know how easily it is to fall into the fucking pit of addictions. Therevis dust on bottle here because outside of social drinking I choose not to fucking drink at home. I have the ability and the means to be in a constant state of intoxication but I also know what that has cost us all so I choose not to. Others choose something else. Somehow I'm the one with a happy and stable life.  I'm a statistic, this isn't how its supposed to fucking end for me. I shouldn't have a family as fractured as it is, and I'm probaly years past my expiration date. But I endure. And I do it because its about more than me. But I could very easily look into the bottom of that bottle and live there. Nothing in my fucking life pr...

I survive. And I protect my pack.  Thats all I am, that all ive ever been fucking good at. Basic survival. There has to be more to life than this. I dont always need people in my life. More and more i am distancing from those that are less than valid in my life. I have no problem doing it for those I think my words fall on deaf ears. Ive done it before with people i have respected a lot more than some of the people that aren't listening.  I have no problem being a lone wolf. But I am an wolf and I have teeth. At the end of the day I care about me and mine and it may seem selfish but I've had great freinds that have faded away to the sands of time and I really dont give a damn. If im not emotionally invested in your well being and even when I am, if you give me a fucking reason to grow cold I will. I have zero respect or patience for someone who is think doesn't respect me and i won't get angry, I won't even care ill just passively aggressively ignore you and gh...

I have spent most of my life alone or confined or constricted by expectations or responsibility or the consequences of my own stupid fuckin actions. Staring into the abyss doesnt fucking bother me. I dont like to feel like I am nothing because my life didn't go the way others want it to. At the end of the day the only person tbat gives a damn about me is my inner circle and that has had some severe damage done to it and some of its members in the last few years...  Someone on the outside looking in without their own house in order shouldn't be throwing fucking stones.. because ho ho ho I have a machine gun. I dont judge where you are in your life, you dont even get to rank in mine when you are barely in my orbit. Take care of your own responsibilities, Ill deal with mine. Cast your fucking judgement somewhere else. Theres a reason I closed that damn door years ago. Theres a reason all doors but one that lead to me are closed. No one else is worthy, and even if they were someone...

Anyone that wants to be an emotional or financial drain on my fucking life can kindly find the fucking door and see your way out if my life. I'm fucking done pretending to give a damn about anyone hut myself and my immediate family and loved ones. Its becoming very clear that I am being manipulated by people who are barely in orbit in my fucking life.   I don't do well with this time of fucking year and I can get violently sad, yet its the same fucking voices in my ear telling me how much worse or better there life is. I don't care. My life just Is. Its all I want it to be but I'm getting real fucking sick if being other's sounding board and emotional support animal. That privilege is reserved for only one woman and to be honest, right now im not speaking to her, and I'm also not angry at her. But she the one person that gets carte blanche to treat me like that. The only person. Feeling like I am a crutch for others to lean on and justify themselves and their ...

It isn't apathy or laziness why I haven't been doing things lately. Its not even anger. Its just a reality that with everyone in my life its the same old bullshit and as long as I am shackled to the apron strings of multiple responsibilities its not going to get any better. Im trying to fix things for me and those around me and it just digs a bigger and bigger empty black hole. I am not sure how much longer I fucking tolerate it before I choose a third option. I'm sick of doing things and being under appreciated and having my efforts fall on fucking deaf ears. I hate struggling when I shouldn't be either. This will be a year of decisions or it will end in a moment that defines me for the next decade. I dont really care. I haven't in a while but im starting to realize status quo is toxic and it needs to change before I do.  I don't do starvation diet for anyone and I hate walking on eggshells around someone i care about because of them being prone to outbursts. I...