Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Turns out i've been busy dealing with everything to not notice all the small things, having to fight with the goverment to keep a fucking roof over my head after I've worked for two and a half years to support myself isn't the most interesting thing I've done in the last week but it has been the most important thing, gotta love bureaucratic nonsense and bullshit, it doesn't help that my employer is also fucking me around, I've officially been taken off the night shift because someone who was hired after i was has complained she wasn't get enough shifts, that really seems fair, but I've been expecting to be used up and thrown away for fucking months. I might get some casual call in shifts But the fact i am still waiting for my Roe three weeks after the fucking request, and the fact that i have been completely off the fucking schedule for the last month, i think the writings on the wall, of course is would be nice if there was a legitimate reason, instead ...

I am trying to discover reason's for being right now, as i watch the chess peices break and fall around me i wonder if i have made the right decision in choosing to stick around hamilton for as long as I did, even tho i grew up here it's very clear to me that it is no longer home and that all my old freinds here are dead and/or gon elsewhere and I am merely Choosing to live here because of employment, I have other options but am choosing to remain stagnant for the promise of things might get better, I don't see that happeneing very quickly, and any goals i may have had a month ago to improve my life have changed and died on the vine because now i'm back to merely surviving, it's sad when you think everything you've worked for your entire life just turns to shit, but i don't see any way out of the black hole I'm in, Once upon a time I had choices, now the only choices i have I don't seem to like where they will lead me and/or the alternatives. Current...

Estranged 1.to remove, as from usual surroundings or associates; keep apart or away 2.to turn (a person) from an affectionate or friendly attitude to an indifferent, unfriendly, or hostile one; alienate the affections of I'm a little less pissed off today than i was yesterday after spending a night inside my own head thinking about everything, at least when i see things clearly i can somewhat understand the games you play, the biggest issue is the times you choose to play them, i'm already having a rough time with the fucking bullshit at work and of course you go and start tinkering with his little head so you can play him agianst daddy, we discussed this on the telephone, he's gonna try to play you agianst me and vice versa but you don't help things by trying to get him all emotionally confused and not explanining things to him, if I'm out of work, if i don't have moeny for a toy, if i have to or can't explain something to him all I give him is the truth no...

If i hadn't suspected that you had a recreational drug use problem before you're new asshole boyfreind confirms my suspions, how far under the bar did you had to search to find him, rule one.) if your a fucking douchebag do not try to be my fucking freind, esp. when you hang out with her and have more access to my son than i do, two.) what the fuck are you smoking when you are dating a shirtless dick that's about 55 years old and looks like a cross between robert plant and cocaine dealer, I'm assuming this is exactly how you want to present yourself as a role model for our son, that's ok he knows who the better parent is anyways, karma's a bitch so i'm sorry about your foot, but you should really not be drinking and doing whatever else you were doing with the new cocaine addled boyfreind, I mean you must have really scraped the bottom of the barrel with him, of course he probaly feeds your habit, Wonder what would happen if you were asked to take a piss test...

We went to see the new toy story movie today and had a good time, really good kids movie, he likes the first 2 better tho i think, and is really bugging for a puppy and or a sibling... having a conversation about having a real brother or sister today was somewhat weird because i don't think he's ever going to understand why that won't happen, wish she wouldn't put ideas in his head, it's about having fun and being good because he's a great little man, i don't feel like venting tonight because i have him i'll vent later. he's so awesome and loves me so much,I'm glad i chose to have him for fathers day, He's been misbehaving a little but par for the course cuz he's excited... it's all good. Current Mood: Happy. Simply having children does not make mothers.

Hopefully this weekend goes as planned and we get to go see toy story3 and hang out because it's father's day, little things are so important and it's times like these that can make everything that sucks in my life go away, all i wanna do this weekend is hangout with him and have a decent meal with him Sunday and maybe if we get a chance see that movie, i know he really wants to go and I've manged to save just enough money to budget for it, last call in Hess tonight will help as well... hopefully this will lighten my mood and make me less of the dark and angry person I've been all week, when i can't even stand to be me, i wonder what people around me and that care about me think. Current Mood: not feeling well, goddamn heat. Of all the things I`ve lost I miss my mind the most

Why is it the one person I hate and loath as much in this world that i can about someone I once loved seems to be the only person reaching out to me and being accommodating at the moment? Even tho it may be false pretenses she seems to currently be the only one that understands what I'm going threw with a lack of any income and living merely day to day the way her and I used to back in the good bad old days, i can't live like that anymore I'm no longer that young... but the fact that she understands my need to see my son on fathers day and is accommodating enough to even bring him into town speaks volumes and erases just a little of this darkness cloud that hovers over my head... Of course there's always the little quote from my little man that bother's me some, about her loving me a little bit.. i can't tell what that's all about but when she shows her rare random acts of kindness esp. when all i see in my life is anger and darkness directed at other people...