Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

War doesn't decide who's right...only who's left, ...And then the other fucking shoe drops, If i couldn't have been any more fucking miserable than I already am, i make a phone call this morning and find out that the Psychological chess game has started in earnest again, and point blank telling someone that It's going to be another year till i see my son because someone is an expert manipulator of the system, I honestly have serious frustrations with everything In my life, i mean this fucking cunt has turned my life into shit for fifteen fucking years and i don't even get my day In court? I'm fucking wish that this had been a criminal charge, i would have sat in jail for two years less a day and did a fucking handstand because of all the sins I am guilty of, this is the one I did not commit, And thats been fucking proven. I will go to hell for my own reason's but never for this. I don't have much left rattling around in this empty bone cage of a ch...

Hasta la vista baby. I'm not sure if this was worth it today, I'm wondering if this was a fruitless endeavor, my attitude is, good or bad this is the last show, I've paid bills and had a decent fucking run with all of this stuff but I really don't care anymore and I'd rather have a nice set up for my son who never got to enjoy these experiences, but at the end of today, I'm done, it's walk away time. There's no point anymore and it's becoming a futile endeavor to continue. There's not much left except for the high end stuff anyways, and it would look much nicer in a glass cabinet rather than limping along with the stuff that's left to be part of the stupid toy community. It's time to be done and it's time to stick to that decision. Today is confirmation of how little I need this shit in my life. It's frustrating and there is nothing more to be gained from it, it's time to walk away, it's time to be done. The last two y...

I’m going to fight, in my own way, until there’s nothing left of me to stuff inside the barrel and ignite. When you're on your own, behind enemy lines, no artillery, no air strikes, no hope of an evac, you don't fight dirty. You do things that make dirty look good. I am being careful with decisions and what the current next step is. I'm seriously considering the fact that I have a few options to use as weapons. I'm really debating to use them as some of them are serious fucking game changers. It's about the psychological chess game, and trust me, as fucked up as I felt in the previous week, I know that you have been squirming too, good, I hope now you fucking appreciate how it fucking feels, I have some cards to play and some bombs to fucking drop and at this fucking point there are other ways to be a fucking intimidating factor, let's go looking into the past, I can always be sitting on St. Paul in my old spot and be having a fucking awesome time every wee...

This is a war zone, and I progress with strategy. I have to be at least five moves ahead of my enemies, with five contingency plans, and five backup plans for those contingencies at all time. I appreciate that we may have similar goals, but we're not alike. Today there are going to be some questions asked, some serious answers are going to be demanded and I'm not going to say thank you sir for this wonderful spoonful of shit that you are feeding me. I know when it's time to ask question and get aggressive in the right way, in the defensive way, it's time for war and the war has been put on hold... I need answers as to the how, why and what the fuck reason this is happening. I don't back down and I do smell a fucking rat. I'm done waiting and expecting things to change, if I burn a few fucking bridges so fucking what, I have more than enough gasoline, I know some people haven't been in the fucking level and five years in, if I think you are lying to me, tak...

Patience is a virtue, but there comes a moment when you must stop being patient and take the day by the throat and shake it. If it fights back; fine. I'd rather end up bloody at the end of the day, then unhurt with no progress made, no knowledge gained. I'd rather have a no, then nothing. I'd forgotten that about myself. This is interesting, this is an interesting fucking week. I'm waiting day by day for the next chess move, even if it plays to my advantage there is still the waiting, tick tock, tock, tock, is my sons life really worth so fucking little to the establishment of the corrupt family law system that we are being forced to fucking wait, I'm sick of waiting, I'm sick of playing this chess game. I am sick of war. It's time to fight, let's fight not keep waiting forever. I'm about to make some fucking decisions that will affect fucking people. This is my child's life, patience and respect and being polite are fucking luxuries I can'...

I must fight with my weapons. Not her's. Not selfishness and brutality and shame and resentment. This battle in this long cold war is about to either be over or truly fucking begin, I have little to no faith anything is going to change in my life other than I will need to fight yet another hopeless battle in court and while I will be in the right , if the past is an indicator nothing will fucking change.. It will continue to be a battle. A battle I am prepared to fight, but it fucking saddens me on the day that mine and lives will change for the moment, irrevocably that the fucking reality is, i look over my fucking shoulder, and my allies are few.. those that said they had my back are nowhere to be found, and the only thing keeping me moving forward is strength of will, strength of character...I've always known that this battle would define who I am and define the friendships and loyalties i have to people. I never thought it would also define his life as an adolescent beca...

Even now, I can feel it. Buried somewhere deep inside. Watching me. Waiting. But you know what scares me the most? When I can't fight it anymore, when it takes over, when I totally lose control... You do not understand hatred as I understand it. Only hate keeps me alive. Why else should I endure this pain? If I had ever thought that my actions had ever harmed my son do you think I'd still be breathing, much less still fighting for everything that matters to me, if I had been a lesser man I would have known to walk away. That's the one thing that bothers me, still. You know my heart, my soul, my ethical base, yet you still choose the nuclear option to eliminate me from his life for the last four years. That was your decision not mine, however it's been apparent since his birth that all I am to you is the sperm donor and his right to have a dad is of little consequence to you, it's not about me and/or my wants or needs, it's just about you, it's always goi...