Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

There are things you can't walk away from. Not if you want to live with yourself afterward. Pain is a byproduct of life. That’s the truth. Life sometimes sucks. That’s true for everyone. But if you don’t face the pain and the suck, you don’t ever get the other things either. Laughter. Joy. Love. Pain passes, but those things are worth fighting for. Worth dying for. Ten years ago today I made a choice to put someone else's life ahead of my goals and dreams. It's ridiculous that I am still fighting the same battle that I was then, just to be a part of his life... I left everything behind to do it and while there are tenuous ties to who I used to be, the only thing I truly define myself with anymore is being his father, being his dad, and if I have to continue to fight this war I will. It's just fucking ridiculous that I have to, she knows exactly what I sacrificed to be there, more than once.. But it didn't matter, because nothing matters, that's who she is, a...

I will hurt you for this. I don't know how yet, but give me time. A day will come when you think yourself safe and happy, and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you'll know the debt is paid. The next step is about to be upon us, I'm not going to fight battles I don't have to... but it's fucking frustrating to still be dealing with this crap the entirety of my fucking life, given what I do for a living it's a fuckin death sentence. there are thing's i have been waiting to do and i've just needed the right time to do so.. that's where we are at now.. it's time for war, it's time for some of these fucking pieces of trash to feel the flames...god knows that i have felt the fires long enough... i know exactly who my fuckin enemies are in this endevour and who is not.. and for those that are, it's time for them and their glass houses to come asunder, it's time for their lives to be just as fucking shattered repeatably...

The reality is that there is no more finances to fight this battle and any options I have left in the Absense of a good job in my feild is that I don't have it. I'll fight as much as can and hard as I can, but given my means the last half decade, I've pulled miracles out of my ass. I don't have anymore blood to pull from this stone, there's nothing left... It lasted as long as it could but she has made the war last longer, as usual the only way things end, is when I have nothing left and I've sacrificed everything agian. Over and over agian. The story of our lives. Your choices, my responsibility. I have lost faith in those around me and I have no illusions that this battle will ever fucking end. As long as I am going to be financially responsible for everything it's just another weapon in her reign of fucking terror and possibly just another way to stall this thing from ending. I don't know what the next step is, and currently I'm confused as to the...

I never cared about justice, and I don't recall ever calling myself a hero. I've always only fought for the people I believe in. I won't hesitate... If an enemy appears in front of me, I will destroy it! Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one. It's fucking pathetic that every relationship I have been in for the past 16 years has been dominated and/or destroyed as soon as the children's aid gets involved, these fuckers raised me, and they have sure as shit left me damaged, but it is something sinister to constantly attempt to destroy a man when all he is trying to do is stop history from repeating, but that's not good enough for them... Clearly I'm damaged goods and it does not fuckin matter, all that matters is a past history before I was age of majority, all of my accomplishments past that, my education, years of experience, the very core of the person I am, none of that fucking matters, because to them, all I am is a walkin...

There is no place for me, other than the battlefield. To live as I please, and die a senseless death. That is who I am, not a mere man of flesh. War... is part of my existence. Twenty fucking years of abandoning another life, the person underneath that maybe the world wants me to be, it would have been easier to be the criminal and have not accomplished everything that I did, over and over agian. All I simply did was build a castle for others to keep fucking tearing down. When I look upon my history I fucking wonder was it all worth it? I'm still starving and fighting for everything that I wanted... What's the difference from back then when I was scratching and biting for everything that I had and wanted.... And now I'm doing the same. When I get to a place where I know better off alone and detached from everyone, it's a familiar feeling, and I've been here before. At some point I know exactly where I belong and if something has gotten to a point where I'm ...

If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless. This is because what others want may not be good for you. You are not being mean when you say NO to unreasonable demands or when you express your ideas, feelings, and opinions, even if they differ from those of others. For the moment regardless of anything else I do in my life, I am staying put. I may hate it here but I have always had options to move on elsewhere since I returned to the 905, I haven't. Esp. The last five years because there are things here that need to be dealt with, need to be accomplished. It's not a question of if they need to be dealt with, it's a question of when. It's always been a question of when. There are things I don't walk away from, things that are important. If I'm told to choose, I consider my options carefully. If I'm forced to choose between them and other things I choose to run. I can take care of myself that's never be...

When you know what a man wants you know who he is, and how to move him. I'm grateful for those than have support me and that have always had my back, but the reality is that some of those people that said they did had an agenda and those are the ones I'm angry at for the moment, I hate being in this place where all I can fucking see is anger and depression, but like I said to a friend, I don't internalize anything, I'm not suicidal, I'm homicidal. I just don't act upon it or if I was a fucking vengeful and not a patient man I wouldn't be standing here give years on not acting on my every impulse...it's not time for that last car ride into a fucking blaze of glory, not just yet, I still got shit to do, things left to accomplish. But you don't want to be around me or even be someone that has my back when that day comes... Everyone in this world eventually disappoint you, that includes me. I'm just gonna disappoint everyone eventually in a big fuc...