Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I’m done pissing on dumpster fires. It was much easier to just hate you. Whatever the hell this is, it’s not what I’m willing to entertain for the rest of my life. I have other things to do and achieve in my life. I made a promise I kept it, but I’m done waiting for you and I’m done giving a damn. I’m not going to have you put the same knives into my back over and over and over agian. We are too old for this shit.  I am not a plaything to be used emotionally over and over agian. I will just walk the fuck away and not even think about it.  You’ll be the one missing me when I’m gone. I won’t even blink and I won’t give a fuck.  You seem to think I am the only priority in your fucking life and that nothing else matters. As you are well aware you are very very very fucking wrong. Just because I make you a fucking priority doesn’t mean you are the only one in my life. Far the fuck from.  I have options and things I need to attend to and I won’t be playing this game in a d...

I dream about you, I don’t have a choice. I know where we stand and how I feel about you. But the bottle of whiskey goes down easy to dull the fucking pain when I don’t want to fight. I don’t want you’re world and I don’t want you’re fights. I had my own wars and my own battles. Most of them were with you, that isn’t forgotten and never will. I am have forgiven, but you’re fucking presumptive to think that I have or ever will fucking forgiven you. I’m dumb, not naive. I can still scorch you’re earth but your doing a good enough job of that on your own. You don’t need me for that. I’m just fucking find on my own. And you’ve played your card, you’re still afraid. But not if me, you’re afraid of being alone. So instead of giving it a moment you’re going to be making bad choices. Good for you, I turned my back on that years ago. The only nightmares I allow myself to have now I control and you aren’t one of them. I don’t understand your mind games and I do t have for your misery. You reap w...

I’m not going to be the one to fucking save you from the drama in your life. I’m busy trying to finding peace in my own life and you disturb that. I am willing to listen but the rules are apparently written. You may hate that I have the control and the power back. But there is a fucking reason it exists and why I have that power over you. That’s our agenda.  You’re move. I’m never gonna back down one iota. I never have. You know this better than anyone. We may be broken. But I’m used to being broken, I just made a choice for myself and my mental health. The rest is up to you. But Tick tock time is running out, and I have you to a timeline.  I’ve spent the last two decade’s wanting to fix this for reasons that have nothing to do with my emotions. But I’m done being the one, I was always happy being your fucking villain. A honest enemy is just as good as a lover. At least pretend to be one or the other.  I hate being being in limbo with you. I’m going to force and answer an...

Some days I think that I have wasted my life. But then I look upon the things I have done and the memories that I have with my friends and my loved ones, and I know better. At some point I did start living for me instead of the memory of what could have been and my life instead of continually falling apart started to improve.  Unlike you and you’re moments of standing fucking still. You chose to have the misery that your in. And I do not. I cannot. I will always choose the wrong option if it seems like going down the dark path is simply more fun. I’m not alone and I don’t need or want for anything. But I’m not chasing what if or what could have been anymore. You always wanted better. Turns out I was better who knew? Oh wait I did. And now you have a life time of regret while I look back and not a single fuck was ever given. I didn’t give up and I did the right thing even when the logical choice would have been to give up. Then agian, I’m too bloody brave to be logical. I’d rather f...

The good old days sucked. Some days I do wax nostalgic for what once was and who we were but a lot of that is imagination and distorted memories. I think that the best parts I remember are the hopes and dreams I had when he was little and every thing else is just the little positive moments we had both together and alone when he was a toddler, because life was both more complicated and simpler. But we chose to make it that way didn’t we? That’s on us not him. I’m not looking back when it seems like I carry you now from crisis to crisis, that’s exactly what it was like every damn time we were together. At least back then we caused our own drama. Now, it’s not so much. It’s the drama of our surroundings.  I’m noticing I don’t have as much as you do. There is a major reason for that. I have chosen to take a step back and do a reevaluation of my life and what I wanted negative and positive in it. You are a negative as things currently stand. I am willing to take the weight of the world...

I know how and when you decided to change both our lives. And this has always been about control. The sad thing is you and I both know that I am the animal that can’t be controlled, and the monster that you need to take Care of you. Because In my angry arms you are safe, I’ll torch the earth to make sure you and him are safe. But I’m not sure some days you can accept that, and it is understood that you fear it. But I am the one thing that has never let you down in this life. I wish I could say the same about  you but I cannot, you broke me a long time ago, my problem is I don’t know how to stay down and/or accept defeat. I will always try and I will always fight. Being a soldier in peacetime is fucking boring there is no adventure in it. So I find other adventures….  But I miss the war; I miss having a reason to live, a reason to fight. There’s nothing left now, a tiny connection to you and him that might one day lead to more than a strand of hope. But right now that door mere...

I don’t care. That’s the biggest problem. I will put up a wall to defend myself and never let you in again. It worked years before and I focused on other things. I can do the same now. In fact I choose to. That’s the kind of animal I am. It means everything to tell you that I am at peace and that I don’t allow fucking drama to enter my life. You chose it, you are still choosing it and when I am the shelter from the storm that should tell you everything you absolutely need to know.  You stay and allow yourself to be hurt and damaged because it’s familiarity. I leave because I get bored in one situation and I need new adventures. I’m never going to live my life sitting still. But I would never stay in a moment that continued to cause me and my loved one pain either. I’m just far enough away from that reminder to be able to deal with it. I have my own issues and we will both be haunted by the ghost of what could have been and how damaged we are by it. But we’ve lived separate lives an...