Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I should not be feeling this dark about my future and everything around me, the major part of my christmas is done and all i have to do is let things take their course and hope everything turns out for the best, but somehow even on a day off the darkness overtakes me and I can't feel anything but Melancholy emotions, it's like i'm trapped in a little black box and theirs no wait out, and what's the use even trying, maybe tommorow will be a better day.. it can't get any worse when it's only being nothingness. Current Mood: Depressed. You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note.

I don't care if the weekend was a complete clusterfuck of scheduling and i had to do an insane 3 day shift over 36 hours but I was willing to, and when you are speaking to you when i am trying to explain that i need at least a days notice to be on a graveyard on a fucking saturday night because I like to hang out with my freinds and go to the bar, please do not treat me like a fucking client and constantly Cut me off, No wonder the kids don't respect you, when they could cut the tension with you're hired staff in the air, every one of those kids yesterday could tell when I had been on the phone with you even as I tried to remain positive towards them, but when you treat your employees like shit and use comments like maybe I should Hire someone else you make Us that are already there Feel fucking useless and it won't be any surprise when I take another job given you two weeks notice before christmas, and the fucking wonderful logic of hiring someone else hasn't just

20 hour Fucking shift later and these kids are bouncing off the fucking wall, the fact that the manager of the organization is taking unscheduled time off for his own selfish reasons is really wearing thin, we are supposed to be a team but their is no I in team and I am starting to feel taken advantage of, this group home is becoming everything I have rallyed agianast in the past in terms of whats wrong with the system yet i am sitting here for the sake of a paycheck and choosing to stick around while my carrer ends up in the toilet, I have other options and it's getting to the point where I need to examine them , you can't keep kids locked up in a house with nothing to do and leave staff No money to take them out, this is How crisis Happens and this is how people get burnt out, I can't see a future here, and I can't feel a goddamn thing. Current Mood: Exhausted, Pissed OFF Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, b

It was nice to actually get some rest last night and this morning without having to worry about everything in this world that's fucking wrong, but that doesn't erase the stain of everything thats wrong in the system, and it doesn't dismniss reactionary assholes and egos at my job, I really need to go into buisness for myself, time to stop hiding in the shadows and become an advocate or something that is fufilling, i am sick of this robot mode lifestyle where the clients are merely warehoused and stupid punishments are meted out even when expectations are followed, everyone has their own feifdoms and ther is no real communication, I am sick of fighting losing battles, it doesn't help when The kids are feral due to poor food choices of their and my overseers, I can't change anything there but i find the lack of rules, the lack of follow thru and the lack of some of their basic rights is understanbly getting to me, and the fact that it has arisen a crisis which is pla

I am getting to the point where I need to be Done with this fucking job, When i feel that there is immenent risk to my safety and to other clients when we have a voilent insomniac client that is up all hours of the night crafting weapons, because of said client i have not slept for over 5 hours in the last 72 hours, and I am not being supported at work at re: this client, I am half tempted to call both the labour board and the child advocacy office because i should not be in a position where I am going to give myself a heart attack due to exhaustion or worse because i am worried about the morning coming and waking up with my throat slit or a client dead at the house, it's not fucking safe and as much as i want my job and like my job i am afriad that given the enviorment that is being provided that something drastic will happen before management finnally wakes up and that changes need to bemade.. i mean is crafting weapons that can kill not enough of a fucking red flag to move this

And now onto the happy memory's from yesterday, My little boy got to see the toronto santa claus parade for the first time in person, and for everything that sucks in mine and his mother's lives to see him happy and excited about something that's going to be a memory for a very long time to come is all that matters in this world, I would take one day of happiness with him for years of misery without, he is so looking forward to his birthday and xmas and for once i can actually handle giving him everything he wants within reason for both holidays, I love him so much and when I'm with him On an Adventure (his words.)nothing In this world matters or can tear us apart. Current Mood ( well the mood at 730 pm last night.): Happy, Loved. Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

I am fucking done with this job at the earliest oppurtunity to remove myself, the inmates run the fucking asylum and at this point it's complete Anarchy, i mean taking 5 fucking handmade weapons off a client, like what the fuck, and the way some staff are dealing with these kids is boredline abusive, the fire inside me for this job has completely gone out, it's fucking time to move on, the Ministry evaluation was a farce, let's clean up the fucking house and make it look all nice and squeaky clean, the fuck? like that's going to fix things, you are merely putting a coat of paint on all the fucking problems and hoping they will go away, things won't change without drastic intervention and if it's not going to happen we are going to get shut down, i truly feel at this point wotrking for this organization is going toleave a black mark on my career, and the longer i work there the longer my carreer swirls the drain, i did not sign on to be A CYW for this, and worse

I have decided to start exploring my original goal of having my own group home, I can't be satisfied with the current situation because it's obvious That the place I am in is doing it for the wrong reasons and I don't feel supported by the management because he would prefer everyone has their own little feifdoms, there's no point in trying to have any conyuinity of care because no ones going to listen anyways and the kids will get to do anything they want, behaviors aside, it's not like the place is capable of being a treatment home anymore, it's a fucking warehouse, I am learning exactly what i don't want my house to be, I think at this point I need to start examining options of how i can make that last dream a reality. Current Mood: Determined. The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's determination

I am no longer comfortable at my job when I am asked to forge documents the morning before an inspection because no one else is botghering to do their jobs, it is very clear to me how much this organization is for profit and how little I am valued, obviously They ask me to forge dates and numbers because if anyone else does it they have deniablity, but i am seriously questioning my value to this company, I am thinking I am going to continue the slow death of my career until after christmas so i can have a nice holiday with my son, my family and freinds but I'm not even sure of that because it seems that getting some decent time off to spend holidays with my son may not be availible to me, the worst part it's not about politics holding anyone down, it's misminagement and obviously no one in charge is going to bother taking accountabilty for it, It really makes me wonder the level of care these kids are getting, wait, scratch that, I know the level of care these kids are gett

So tired, Nothing like having some ministry bullshit playing on my mind about keeping work clean, and sucking down coffee all morning to get some things that needed to be done this week done, now i want to rest but I can't sleep so I am doing other things to pass the time. at least I am focused and have golas and Aren't just idly standing by waiting for things to change, in the new years i will make things change agian. Current Mood: Exhausted. Tomorrow night is nothing but one long sleepless wrestle with yesterday's omissions and regrets

it's not enough to have ideals and keep doing your job as good as you can do it when No is supporting you and making a bad problem worse, Nothing like sparing the rod and letting the client rot spoiled, these kids need direction and routine, it's been months and finally when the shit's really hitting the fan and it's affecting the waking hour staff do they finally listen to the night guy who has more experince than the day staff? I can't see a future here when i am carrying more of the load than i need to, I have a personal life i can't work these hours and be expected to do anything but sleep all day, they need to start paying me awake hours if they expect me to be giving 110% at the moment i feel like 75% for mininium wage is more than enough. Current Mood: Exhausted. The attainment of an ideal is often the beginning of a disillusion.

Does anyone feel like a robot? The lack of free thought at my employment is staggering, I mean let's not worry about the kids basic nutriotional needs and not have bread or fucking milk in the house, let's send them to school with crusts of bread with some peanut butter because that's so fucking healthy, not to mention almost blatantly illegal given the public school boards no peanut stance, but who cares because i'm only a robot in a cog insert orders, carry them out and go home to spend 8 hours in a dreamless coma, No fucking wonder i had what seemed like heart problems last week, according to chch high stress jobs leads to heart conditions, of course, i'm trying to find the black heart i seem to be lacking, when did i turn into a souless lackey of the establishment, once upon a time all i wanted to do was change the system, no I am fucking contented to just draw a paycheck from it and no longer care, this organization is draining the little that is left of my cor

I'm wondering what I'm doing at work when all it seems to be is sharing war stories about the other house and Indentifying too much with a client who is on such severe lockdown that it is beginning to recall old memories agian, at least at the other house their was an organization and a structure and a valid reason for the lack of freedoms given the kids ages but when you completely shackle someone based on what makes the organization run the easiet it's starting to play at the cobwebs of my mind, I mean it is very transparent that we are very much a for profit organization and that it's not about the kids it's about the dollar signs that come from warehosuing the kids, No wonder i want out to the point I am am crawling out as much as I can. I have stopped feeling or caring at the house and that scares me because it's not what I got into this feild for. Current Mood: Apathy Some people confuse acceptance with apathy, but there's all the difference in the wo

One has to wonder what the next best course of action is, I feel i am stalled in my current life and i keep looking for ways to escape it but i have to find out whatever's best for me and my child and be able to motivate myself in that direction as I don't see an end or anything left to accomplish left at my current level of employment and to be honest I am bored, there is nothing for me to but become a Nine to five zombie and I need a change from that, i find myself constantly fatigued and I don't feel enough energy for anything. Current Mood: Tired. If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

this is a weird sensation, the lack of drive or feeling for anything, I really think it's time for me to move on but to what and where? I see absolutley nothing at my current employer that entices me to stay with them except a night shift that it's constantly the same over and over agian and i don't feel anything but judged for being difrent and not completely the societal norm they expect me to be, I am an artist and I have other ways of expressing myuself, If i wanted to be trapped in a dead end job for minuimim wage that is going nowhere i could always work at harveys, I'm frustrated and bored and i need something new in my life... Even reaching out to faint hope of the former partner who is merely playing mindgames to get what she wants out of life, I don't care enough to follow her into the abyss either, I am looking for a change too, but i'm doing it for myself not for any chance of reconcilation or any type of hopeless dream. Current Mood: Frustrated. The

It was a good lazy weekend we hung out and saw a movie, he was really into it because it was in 3-d downtown at jackson square, It's interesting to see the way that he interprets the world and even thon there are things that aren't perfect he deals with everything as it is a new day, some of that energy wears out on me, but you know what, that's a good thing, one day when he's all grown up days hanging out at home with 100% of my attention focused on him will be the memories he remebers. Current Mood: Happy. And the people we’ve become, well, they’ve never been the people who we are.

I'm happy, we are just hanging out at home today and going to see Megamind at the movies tonight down at jackson square but it seems that sometimes little things can be fixed by asking him about them and finding out that they are accidents.. sometimes I need to stop overanaylying things and just let whatever's gonna happen, happen, I can't protect him from everything but i can always stride to be the best Daddy I can, always. it was pretty cool last night for him to meet the boys at work too, he was so well behaved and they were as well. Current Mood: Happy. Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

Now you're just being fucking obvious about it, is this the plan, to pull on the heartstrings until I say something, until the cold black parts of my heart melt and a renewed affection is in place for you? I spent years being in love with you and hurting, and Now it's your turn to play the lonely one? I'm sorry you can't turn back the clock and you can't change the way things are, you continue to play fucking mind games with me and I ignore them because realistically the light i had for you burnt out a long time ago.... you want what you can't have at this point because i've grown cold and i just don't care anymore there's a reality you need to face and it's a product of your own decisions and lifestyle, yes i'll always be around, but that's got nothing to do with you or your emotions anymore, only His. Current Mood: Confused. Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it

It's nice to have one of the clients to recently returned from custody ackowledge that in the short time he's know me that he missed me, and considers me family, If i can make a diffrence with him that's all i really need to be fufilled at work, we are trying to do the right things for these kids and to have someone come up to me and have an extended conversation last night like that about it makes a lot of the bueracratic nonsense and the petty politics melt away, I'm still not completely happy at work but little things like this makes some of the animosity of money and bullshit melt away. At least in someone's eyes I am doing the right thing by him so that's all the really makes a diffrence. making a diffrence to one person in this feild is all that really matters to me and the feeling I get when that is acknowleged is awesome. Current Mood: Happy. Success, happiness, peace of mind and fulfillment - the most priceless of human treasures - are available to all

There are so many things going on right now but I am feeling that even tho I am at status quo at work and have been described as a lifer there is really no where i need to go there is no point at contuining on at this place, i don't complete agree with the new house's policies and lassiez faire attutide about the way the clients are treated and the bottom line dollar thing is really bugging me, there kids are supposed to be getting as close to a normal life as they can and it's just not happeneing because of many reasons including quility and contuinity of care, and finacal reasons, i mean when we are talking about a few dollars here and there it can get really frustrating, of course until something or someone better comes along i'm stuck but i'm trying to keep positive because it's a good job and it's easy but i feel it's an entry level position and i have evolved past that at this point in my career. Current Mood: Frustrated. A belief in hell and the k

How ironic is it that in the same month in 2010 i am being pulled away from my job and back into the arms of a waiting loved one who for me the fire has long gone out because of her actions, but she's the nostalgic one when she's simply grown too fucking old for anyone else to ever really want the family and the whole situation agian, maybe I'm old and maybe I'm bitter but entertaining that idea at this late stage in the game after my life has been destroyed over and over agian by this woman, it's always in the fall that she get's lonely and needs someone but i don't see any lasting clarity, it'll always end the same a big fight over something stupid, or her behavior willl get us in trouble and I'll have to get into a fight and be the protective one and then she'll resent it and we'll be done agian, sorry Alice, but this is a trip down the rabbit hole I'm not taking. Current Mood: Tired. Current Music: Animal, Def Leppard. The Red Queen:

it's was awesome to spend last night with my son trick and treating, the fact that both of us had Costumes on made it even better, i pikced up a last minute darth vader costume to go with his Batman costume, he got a real kick out of going trick or treating this year with me so i am going to attempt every year to do the same thing, it's about the little memoruies that get shared and Daddy dressing up like one of his action figures come to life is probaly going to end up pretty high on the list, it is nice to see that we are getting better at this co-parenting thing, I was at the house for the first time in almost 6 years, I really think that things may change in the near future but not on my end, I'm happy here doing what I'm doing If a better idea comes along so be it... but right now I am satisfied. Current Mood: Happy. The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet