Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Maybe this is where I make my final stand, maybe this is where I prove to my son the kinda man I truly am. I don't back down from a fight esp. Not one for him, I have lost the will to fight but I will fucking find it for him. Even it's the last fucking thing I do. I have always had an endgame here. The fact that old feelings that do matter have been awakened are also there is important. I have options, England, Windsor, Calgary. I'm still here waiting. There is a reason for that. I'd never go that fucking far from my family and you goddamn know it. Me going to Windsor in the first place caused all this anyways. I don't have many good memories from my time there. I barely succeeded in university and it wasnt worth being that far away from you. I'm sorry for being so stubborn and bullheaded. I should have stayed a year for you. I loved you enough to. I love you enough to now.

I did this on my own with no help and no favours from anyone not because I had to. But because I wanted to. I could have asked for help but that's not the way I fucking do things and I am a man and I stand alone. I had something to prove. It was the last thing to prove and now it's done. I'm not an afterthought or a back up plan. I do things on my terms. Always. I just needed to do this. It was for my own sanity and my own well being. As much as yours. I do understand the fact that it is overwhelming and intimidating now that I have the fucking thing in my hand. It scares me too. It scares me even more that I love you so unconditionally that I bought it.

...all the evil seem to live forever. I have thought seriously about saving myself and everyone around me that matters so much pain by not being here. But I know that it will just cause more pain if I'm gone. I don't want to burden my kid with that, there's enough done already. But there are days like today when I wonder what the point of each endless day and discussion really mean... It just seems like I'm constantly staring into the abyss of sadness. I've never been able to move on and I think neither have you.. but I don't like the darkness that surrounds this void when I'm not in you're life or I'm questioning my existence in terms of you and our little family. I can't keep going on like this I will physically and mentally break down and one day I'll just be gone. This virus and the isolation isn't fucking helping. When the only emotional support I seem to get is from my best friend and my worst enemy all in one, I h

I'm trying to figure us out. Every time I have an answer you change the questions. I don't want to walk away agian ever in this lifetime. I think that's why I fight with you so hard. I need you in my life even tho you're a mindfuck. You're the most normal thing I've known in my life and as the days pass that becomes more and more obvious to me. I just want to be enough for you and not constantly get the fucking knife in my back. You are a part of my soul, you always will be. I know who we are, isn't the people we once knew. But love remains. It isn't one sided. It never has been. We are just too stubborn to admit it to each other most of the time, and when we do, both of us have self destructive properties that sabotage everything.... That's been evident since the start. I know we are both damaged and broken, but I never wanted to break you're heart... But you think I have a hundred times. I never did intentionally. I was a child back then.

I spent my first Christmas with a woman twenty years ago... That woman was you... I never thought that would constantly break my heart the way you do this season for years to come.... I do understand some of the reasons for it, but not all of them and not all of them is forgiven. I think of you every day and the fact we have a million miles of bad road regarding the holidays doesn't help. I miss the Christmases we spent together. You'll have that picture soon. I tried babe, I'll keep trying. You know that.... But I'll do it on my terms. It's done. It's paid for. I should have done it the first Christmas we were together, I know i should have done it the last Christmas we spent together. I think that's why I made it happen this one. Fuck, I'm lonely without the sound of you're voice in my life today. I miss you. Merry Christmas.

This year was going to be different, I tried so hard to be there this year. At least my true emotions are on my sleeve and there are no illusions in my part about where my heart stands anymore. I know where I belong, it's just about being let back in. I want to come home, to my true home. Trust me I know why the holidays esp. xmas are complicated for us... But it's also the time I miss you both the most in this life. I just want one more with you, that's my only Christmas wish. You know what the original plan was, I really wanted to do that this year. I can't even get angry over missing you and him this year. You've made it clear how disposable I am, and how little I fucking rank in yours and his life unless you need me. You replace me like I'm yesterday's toy. You're right of course... I am the ghost of Christmas past twenty years ago. Back when I thought we had a future together. Back when I saw my future in you're eyes.... It'

You know the most interesting part of the last year is realizing where I truly belong and how willing I am to do anything and make sacrifices to be there. It was never going to be Windsor. I hope you know that. I was lost and just having fun. I know where my true heart lies. It always has. Even if you don't want me. It's always going to be beside you, no matter what. I lost that part of my soul a long time ago. We both lost our way. I'm just trying to find it. At least we have reasons to be damaged and we have reasons to hurt each other. It's pathetic that so called friends that said they would ride or die with me until the end showed true colours and the one I never expected to be there at the end is probably the one I'll be embracing at the finish line. It feels right. I just have one last thing to do to make it true. I'd rather take a fucking chance and lose than watch my life continue to crumble and so called fairweather friends only around when I can

I have faith in us, I have no idea why I still do. I shouldn't. Right now all I am is full of worry for you, i just hope you're not doing too much damage to yourself and our son with your choices... This world scares the living hell out of me right now as does my plan for what I'm up to in the next two weeks... Once it's done, it's done. There will not be any taking it back this time. I made that mistake once before not having it ready for you when it was needed, now it always will be. But I can't say I'm not scared of it. There are times I think I'm insane for my course of action currently. But you know me, when I set my mind to do something, I usually accomplish it, no matter the risk or the personal cost. I always rush headlong into things. I either win or I lose. This time I am aiming to win. I want you to know you are loved eternally. I don't have anything but love for you left, I don't ever want the anger and hate to retu

Something's are worth fighting for no matter the cost. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would think I would have the chance to fight for you agian. A fight I never should have fucking backed down from. I never will agian.you are so important I'll always be here. Don't get me fucking wrong. From you're behaviors I expect to lose. That doesn't mean I'm not going to fight. Because I love you, you're a missing part of my soul I have never ever been able to replace no matter how fucking much I have tried to replace the void. You constantly fucking hurt me in the times that mean the most but at this fucking point it's expected. It won't break me. One day we will figure this all out. Or we will just destroy each other. In my estimation there's not much left of either of us for that too fucking matter. I just want the little bit that is left of the three of us to be happy moments. That's all I'm trying for. That's all I'

I don't ask for help for the things you need. I usually do it alone. This fucking time I had to do it alone and without anyone else's help. I have something to prove even if it leads nowhere at this moment in time. It has to be done and it has to be done by me standing alone and without help. I made myself a promise a long time ago. I will see it fulfilled. I am always better when I have a fucking goal. You are the goal this time. I made mistakes. One of my biggest ones has been being too proud to provide for us by using my disability to gain an advantage. I had to hit rock bottom and lose everything to abandon that fucking pride. I should have done it years ago when I was in Thorold. Things would have been different. I think that's one big reason my first choice with disability is making sure that one day we will have that option. It's not something I've been able to do easily since 2003. I'm doing it now. I feel it's important. I wake up every d

I'm you're only forever and we both fucking know it, sadly. I'll always be here to catch you when you land but it wounds and hurts deep every damn time. You wanted me to abandon the darker edges of my personality, the places that bring me comfort in my darkest moments... Maybe you should stop forcing the darkness to come to the forefront. Neither of us have a lot of fucking daylight in our lives... There's a lot of black places in our back stories... I never wanted that for you, I never wanted that for him... I only expected it for me. But you made choices to keep yourself in the dark. You made choices to cause yourself pain. I think I liked it better when you hated me. The battle lines were drawn. I knew where I stood with you... Now I'm just waiting on a stupid phone call that could come at any moment or could take years... I will always be here and ready to take another bullet and feel a shitload more pain because I do love you, but I am becoming numbed

Never waste your words on those people in your life who only deserve your silence. Because sometimes, the greatest show of strength is to say nothing at all.  I haven't forgotten how much damage you have done to my life... And even recently destroying my last relationship. I think it might just all be a fucking game to you. I'm sick of playing. I was happy with my life I was at peace.. the sad fact now is I know I will always be in love with you and I will always be manipulated by you. I wanted to write the letter and finish this year at peace with you. So you knew where I stood. I'm questioning doing that now. You don't deserve it. I might still do it but I'm not 💯 it's a good idea to bear my bleeding heart to you so you can laugh at me and crush it agian. I wonder what the spring and fall and summer and all that noise was. If it was just a nostalgia trip I'm fucking done with it. I've got my life to live. I've got a life to rebuild. It w

I wish I still had the energy to hate you, it would at least make the fucking pain go away... But once agian all I feel is fucking broken. That's my life. I will always mourn the love you keep pushing away. I loved you with all my heart and you destroyed me and made me an empty shell. It's too bad I don't have time for anger and hate now. I've made my peace without having you in or out my life. I just wish this wound didn't hurt so bad even after all this time. I could have done without the last year emotionally but it was important for my to face the reality that you have never been far from my fucking heart, no matter what we outwardly have shown to each other.  Our souls are connected, and broken.  Maybe one day, but not today. I don't know why I keep staying up every weekend staring at the phone expecting to hear you're voice... I was over you, I had walked away, I made my fucking peace with all this. Why the hell does it still hurt so f

I tried all year kid. I should be there tonight to wish you a happy birthday. I tried. I'm always gonna be here for you and you're mom. I love you both and I almost thought we'd get back to being the family that we have always been... I got you a really nice gift, something befitting the man you are becoming. It'll be here for you one day. Just like the rest of you're gifts. They will always be here for you. I just miss you and I am missing everything in you're life. I hope this is the last birthday I miss. But that's not up to me. I hope you are happy with whatever you are doing today on you're birthday. I just wish I was there. I miss you every day. I wish I was there to watch you grow up. One day I will. I'm trying to fix things. You're gifts will always be here. You're Dad will always be here. Whatever either of you need. Have no doubt on that. I don't. You are the greatest thing I have ever done with my life. Neve

I think the thing that bothers me most is the fact I provided for someone else's family when my own needed me most and I was cast aside when the money ran out. If I had been upfront and honest about things five or six years ago I almost wonder what the end result would have been. I have always regretted not buying you you're ring in that moment, or trying to make peace and amends. Anger and bitterness are horrible things and always come back on you a thousandfold.... But I wasn't ready I guess. I guess I needed to have the experiences I did before my world would make sense. I just know I don't want anyone else's family but mine and I don't want to be anyone else's father but his. I tried that. It didn't take. I was used and thrown away like garbage after sacrificing everything I was at the fucking time. I have no interest in going back to that with anyone. I hate the fact that I am a proud man when I could call or text this last Saturday night and

I am taking a chance because nothing is more important and there is nothing to fucking lose. I'd rather stand on my own two feet and say i tried than sit around around waiting for things to change on her timeline. I may love them both but I have been in the shadows of his life for far too long. I will always try and be there for Both of them, even when i'm not wanted. this is a choice of not walking away in a moment i can be anyone and go anywhere. I'm staying right where I am and fighting for the things that are mine. i hope you understand that, I'll always be here. I'm Not going anywhere. Shallow men believe in luck or in circumstance. Strong men believe in cause and effect.