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Pride V: Doubt

I have faith in us, I have no idea why I still do. I shouldn't. Right now all I am is full of worry for you, i just hope you're not doing too much damage to yourself and our son with your choices... This world scares the living hell out of me right now as does my plan for what I'm up to in the next two weeks... Once it's done, it's done. There will not be any taking it back this time. I made that mistake once before not having it ready for you when it was needed, now it always will be.

But I can't say I'm not scared of it.

There are times I think I'm insane for my course of action currently. But you know me, when I set my mind to do something, I usually accomplish it, no matter the risk or the personal cost. I always rush headlong into things. I either win or I lose. This time I am aiming to win. I want you to know you are loved eternally.

I don't have anything but love for you left, I don't ever want the anger and hate to return. The time for that has passed. All I have right now is concern. I do think that one day the dark things might return if I am too aggressive instead of patient so I am taking the slow path for once instead of trying to accelerate everything in an attempt to force you to love me, I already know you do. That's enough for me.

I won't beg for you're hand, and I have done this all alone on me. No begging or borrowing from my friends or family. Just my own power. It had to be that way. It's always been that way. It's one of my biggest sacrifices in recent memory but it's fucking important to me.

This thing has always meant more to me than a lifetime of junk. I'm sick of material things, I think I'd like to travel and do interesting things rather than continue to own useless crap. I want adventures, i want them with you and him, I want to go somewhere exotic with you and sit in the sun. I want when the world is back to normal to take you to dinner like I used to. I want to hold you at a concert and listen to the music we like...

But all that scares me, I constantly worry that even at this point I won't be enough. I've always lived my life by my rules, my code. Up until now it has been enough. Once you came back into my life, not so much. I'm just afraid next time I will disappoint you agian.

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