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Finding My Way....


You know the most interesting part of the last year is realizing where I truly belong and how willing I am to do anything and make sacrifices to be there. It was never going to be Windsor. I hope you know that. I was lost and just having fun. I know where my true heart lies. It always has. Even if you don't want me. It's always going to be beside you, no matter what. I lost that part of my soul a long time ago. We both lost our way. I'm just trying to find it.

At least we have reasons to be damaged and we have reasons to hurt each other. It's pathetic that so called friends that said they would ride or die with me until the end showed true colours and the one I never expected to be there at the end is probably the one I'll be embracing at the finish line. It feels right. I just have one last thing to do to make it true.

I'd rather take a fucking chance and lose than watch my life continue to crumble and so called fairweather friends only around when I can be the life of the party. The party died almost twenty years ago when I grew up. Just because I've lived my life by my rules, it was only because everything that was important to me was fucking missing.

I have changed, but there are things about my core that never will. But the things that have changed are my patience level, the fact that I am still here at all should speak to my compassion level for you and all the emotions I have bottled up and buried inside. I never stopped loving you. I just buried them to forget for a while.

I started off this year in a different place. I was fucking happy. My life was normal. But then you came in and out of it and I wondered what I was truly missing.  I did love that girl, she was there for me when I was coming out of a dark place and you weren't there. I will always respect her for that. But I have always loved you more... You are the love of my life and always will be. I'm just trying to find myself and the reality is I am coming up wanting. I have been lost for 16 years... Everything has gone wrong since that moment. I'm trying to fix it. Maybe even in that moment 16 years later. I have an idea and a plan.

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