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The Speed of Pain



I'm you're only forever and we both fucking know it, sadly. I'll always be here to catch you when you land but it wounds and hurts deep every damn time.

You wanted me to abandon the darker edges of my personality, the places that bring me comfort in my darkest moments... Maybe you should stop forcing the darkness to come to the forefront. Neither of us have a lot of fucking daylight in our lives... There's a lot of black places in our back stories... I never wanted that for you, I never wanted that for him... I only expected it for me. But you made choices to keep yourself in the dark. You made choices to cause yourself pain.

I think I liked it better when you hated me. The battle lines were drawn. I knew where I stood with you... Now I'm just waiting on a stupid phone call that could come at any moment or could take years... I will always be here and ready to take another bullet and feel a shitload more pain because I do love you, but I am becoming numbed to you're predictable behavior when it comes to me. I have wanted to be back with you more than fucking anything for a decade and a half... But I have very little faith that you will ever be upfront about being together ever agian. You like the fantasy of it, Romeo and fucking Juliet, Sid and Nancy, Kurt and Courtney... One thing is for sure. You'll be the fucking death of me.

Just not Today, I survived after you tried to destroy me, Multiple times. You don't get to kill me or force my hand to do it myself, I'm stronger than that. But you're manipulation and then running away from it and causing me to be the villian every fucking time is predictable and boring...

If you love me like you claim you do, be there. Stand and fight beside me for this the way you're supposed to be. . Instead of playing this bullshit maid Marion princess that you and I know that you aren't. You're tougher than that.

I won't always be there to save you, One day from the passing of age or the passing of time or our own self destructive tendencies one of us won't be here for the other anymore. It will most likely be me. I've been racing headlong into my own suicide since I was a teen, the one thing that has kept me grounded i.e. not fucking dead is my little family out there and the fact that even in my darkest places I did fucking love you, I still do.

I don't know where I am going, but I do know that looking back only happened once and it's still happening and only for you... There has to be a fucking reason for that. I wish I knew what it was past my undying love for you...

But that love has conditions...

I have forgiven, but I haven't forgotten how you weaponized my child against me multiple times... This week is a sad dark reminder of that reality... The worst part being this year I am slowly reminded that emotions remain... And then you twist the knife...

You hurt me.


You destroyed me.


I'm still here.


That's gotta count for something in our world.

You are my soulmate, but there are days where I don't feel like I have a soul.

Current Mood: Sad

Current Music: Ain't It Fun, GNR

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