Never waste your words on those people in your life who only deserve your silence. Because sometimes, the greatest show of strength is to say nothing at all.
I haven't forgotten how much damage you have done to my life... And even recently destroying my last relationship. I think it might just all be a fucking game to you. I'm sick of playing. I was happy with my life I was at peace.. the sad fact now is I know I will always be in love with you and I will always be manipulated by you.
I wanted to write the letter and finish this year at peace with you. So you knew where I stood. I'm questioning doing that now. You don't deserve it. I might still do it but I'm not 💯 it's a good idea to bear my bleeding heart to you so you can laugh at me and crush it agian. I wonder what the spring and fall and summer and all that noise was.
If it was just a nostalgia trip I'm fucking done with it. I've got my life to live. I've got a life to rebuild. It would have been nice to do it with you, but I don't see that fucking happening no matter how I try. I guess I'm just stupid for containing to try.
One day I won't and all the anger and hate will return and you'll be fucking dead to me. I'm trying very hard not to return to that and hold on to this one last spark I have for you in my chest. But one day I think it will....
....and that day we will stare into the abyss and see each other.
I don't have time in my life for games or for Anyone that doesn't want to be completely in it. I am no one's fall back or back up plan. Not even yours. Either love me completely at this point and time or don't bother. I don't need or care about anyone that only needs and wants me on their terms.
My life has changed and for the better. I fight myself every day to not tell you everything that has changed recently but I don't trust you enough not to stab me for the little bit I have. That's you're behavior. That's what I'm used to. So I'm gonna keep myself guarded and not fucking trust you, it's going to be a long time coming before I ever do agian.
The worst part is you couldn't give me the time of day for his birthday in a global pandemic? I mean it's not important at all is it to be a family to you? I will be here but I don't have to fucking like it. I understand a lot about you being afraid and lonely. Trust me I do. But a lot of those things I am too and you're fucking mindgames don't help. I don't think you're doing them consciously but you make shitty decisions that affect all of us. You need to think about that sometimes.
You hurt me. Agian. Constantly. The last twenty years haven't been easy and I think you fucking blame for everything wrong in you're life when you haven't given me a fucking chance outside of college and university to be you're partner. I would have given up all of my education to be with you and you know it... That's one of the biggest things that complicates everything and you know it. The what if, the what could have been, and the things I leave unspoken on this blog, the private pain I only discuss with you. Ever.
That's what broke us. That's why you run. You always run and leave me in ruins. I'm used to it. I was hoping this time would be different.
I made peace with us. I had moved on. You reopened the wound and made me realize these feelings were just buried and never fucking going away. But one day they will... One day their will be nothing left. I don't want to meet the person I'll be that day. But I'll take feeling nothing over fighting you or being angry or hating you. I never want to to do that agian.
I made my peace with you. It may break my heart but I'm never going to fight with you agian.
I just think I need to accept how badly you hurt me this time, and everytime. And consider how much of it just might be fucking deliberate.
Current Music: Marilyn Manson, Great Big White World
Current mood: depressed.
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