This year was going to be different, I tried so hard to be there this year. At least my true emotions are on my sleeve and there are no illusions in my part about where my heart stands anymore. I know where I belong, it's just about being let back in. I want to come home, to my true home.
Trust me I know why the holidays esp. xmas are complicated for us... But it's also the time I miss you both the most in this life. I just want one more with you, that's my only Christmas wish. You know what the original plan was, I really wanted to do that this year.
I can't even get angry over missing you and him this year. You've made it clear how disposable I am, and how little I fucking rank in yours and his life unless you need me. You replace me like I'm yesterday's toy. You're right of course... I am the ghost of Christmas past twenty years ago. Back when I thought we had a future together. Back when I saw my future in you're eyes.... It's too bad that future became fucking Skynet.
One day I will grow cold agian. I just want to have hope for this holiday, because we are a family. Even if it's estranged. I'm used to that. But I'll always be here.
I will always try to fix things because that's preferable to the alternative and I made myself a promise to never go to war with you agian, that's not what I want. It's not worth losing both our souls agian. I'd rather be alone in silence than ever fight you agian. I had to tear my heart out once to do it. I'll make my big play and fade into the sunset I'd I have to. It's not what I want in my heart. But I'm not going to fight anymore
I'm having a really hard time without you this holiday, I was hoping to have you're gift for Christmas... But I think I needed today to seal the deal cash wise. I want you to be happy and have everything you dream of. I worked very hard to get to this point.
Everything has changed and I just want the opportunity to tell you if you call tonight... But I don't know if you will.
I am hurting, more than I expected to this holiday. I love and miss you both so very much. I had a different plan for Christmas. I was hoping you did too.
Always winter but never Christmas.
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