The Lost Christmas Eve.

This year was going to be different, I tried so hard to be there this year. At least my true emotions are on my sleeve and there are no illusions in my part about where my heart stands anymore. I know where I belong, it's just about being let back in. I want to come home, to my true home.

Trust me I know why the holidays esp. xmas are complicated for us... But it's also the time I miss you both the most in this life. I just want one more with you, that's my only Christmas wish. You know what the original plan was, I really wanted to do that this year.

I can't even get angry over missing you and him this year. You've made it clear how disposable I am, and how little I fucking rank in yours and his life unless you need me. You replace me like I'm yesterday's toy. You're right of course... I am the ghost of Christmas past twenty years ago. Back when I thought we had a future together. Back when I saw my future in you're eyes.... It's too bad that future became fucking Skynet.

One day I will grow cold agian. I just want to have hope for this holiday, because we are a family. Even if it's estranged. I'm used to that. But I'll always be here.

I will always try to fix things because that's preferable to the alternative and I made myself a promise to never go to war with you agian, that's not what I want. It's not worth losing both our souls agian. I'd rather be alone in silence than ever fight you agian. I had to tear my heart out once to do it. I'll make my big play and fade into the sunset I'd I have to. It's not what I want in my heart. But I'm not going to fight anymore

I'm having a really hard time without you this holiday, I was hoping to have you're gift for Christmas... But I think I needed today to seal the deal cash wise. I want you to be happy and have everything you dream of. I worked very hard to get to this point.

Everything has changed and I just want the opportunity to tell you if you call tonight... But I don't know if you will.

I am hurting, more than I expected to this holiday. I love and miss you both so very much. I had a different plan for Christmas. I was hoping you did too.

Always winter but never Christmas.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to. I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone. The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even. I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of. I’m not going to pretend to keep th

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