Skip to main content

Pride IV: Alone.


I don't ask for help for the things you need. I usually do it alone. This fucking time I had to do it alone and without anyone else's help. I have something to prove even if it leads nowhere at this moment in time. It has to be done and it has to be done by me standing alone and without help.

I made myself a promise a long time ago. I will see it fulfilled. I am always better when I have a fucking goal. You are the goal this time.

I made mistakes. One of my biggest ones has been being too proud to provide for us by using my disability to gain an advantage. I had to hit rock bottom and lose everything to abandon that fucking pride. I should have done it years ago when I was in Thorold. Things would have been different.

I think that's one big reason my first choice with disability is making sure that one day we will have that option. It's not something I've been able to do easily since 2003. I'm doing it now. I feel it's important.

I wake up every day hoping today is the day I hear you're voice agian, and ending up disappointed when it's not. Hopefully one day it will be and I will wake up beside you agian. That's alli want, you in my arms.

But before that happens, I need to make this happen. It's something I have to do. For Myself.

I worry about you and you're life choices every single fucking day, esp in this fucking pandemic, you're right about one thing. I do not know what the hell I would ever do if I lost you... That's why I'm going first....

...but I don't know where I stand right now so I'm standing alone and doing things for my mental health and my mental health only. If it means you come around one day that's fine. It'll be here. But I'm doing it because I need to. I have something to prove to myself.

I don't have anything left to prove to you. I never did. But I do worry every day about where I stand with you... Even when I'm standing alone...without you.

This depression I have about you constantly fucking sucks. Twenty years on and I still wonder what you're doing all the time. I miss you even when I shouldn't. I forgive you for the worst betrayals when I know I shouldn't.

For some reason you are the one person my scorched earth policy of walking away from has never fucking worked... Maybe you are my soulmate... More likely you're my eternal damnation.

The fact you count on me to always be here.... What about the one day I'm not?

In you're mind I'm always going to be the junior partner and you always need to be the one in control... Have you fucking met me? I don't do control. I am out of control. I always have been.

Current Music: Time to kill, Alice Cooper


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number.  I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer
Post a Comment
Read more

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to.  I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone.  The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even.  I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of.  I’m not going to pretend to keep th
Post a Comment
Read more