I don't ask for help for the things you need. I usually do it alone. This fucking time I had to do it alone and without anyone else's help. I have something to prove even if it leads nowhere at this moment in time. It has to be done and it has to be done by me standing alone and without help.
I made myself a promise a long time ago. I will see it fulfilled. I am always better when I have a fucking goal. You are the goal this time.
I made mistakes. One of my biggest ones has been being too proud to provide for us by using my disability to gain an advantage. I had to hit rock bottom and lose everything to abandon that fucking pride. I should have done it years ago when I was in Thorold. Things would have been different.
I think that's one big reason my first choice with disability is making sure that one day we will have that option. It's not something I've been able to do easily since 2003. I'm doing it now. I feel it's important.
I wake up every day hoping today is the day I hear you're voice agian, and ending up disappointed when it's not. Hopefully one day it will be and I will wake up beside you agian. That's alli want, you in my arms.
But before that happens, I need to make this happen. It's something I have to do. For Myself.
I worry about you and you're life choices every single fucking day, esp in this fucking pandemic, you're right about one thing. I do not know what the hell I would ever do if I lost you... That's why I'm going first....
...but I don't know where I stand right now so I'm standing alone and doing things for my mental health and my mental health only. If it means you come around one day that's fine. It'll be here. But I'm doing it because I need to. I have something to prove to myself.
I don't have anything left to prove to you. I never did. But I do worry every day about where I stand with you... Even when I'm standing alone...without you.
This depression I have about you constantly fucking sucks. Twenty years on and I still wonder what you're doing all the time. I miss you even when I shouldn't. I forgive you for the worst betrayals when I know I shouldn't.
For some reason you are the one person my scorched earth policy of walking away from has never fucking worked... Maybe you are my soulmate... More likely you're my eternal damnation.
The fact you count on me to always be here.... What about the one day I'm not?
In you're mind I'm always going to be the junior partner and you always need to be the one in control... Have you fucking met me? I don't do control. I am out of control. I always have been.
Current Music: Time to kill, Alice Cooper
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