...all the evil seem to live forever. I have thought seriously about saving myself and everyone around me that matters so much pain by not being here. But I know that it will just cause more pain if I'm gone. I don't want to burden my kid with that, there's enough done already. But there are days like today when I wonder what the point of each endless day and discussion really mean... It just seems like I'm constantly staring into the abyss of sadness.
I've never been able to move on and I think neither have you.. but I don't like the darkness that surrounds this void when I'm not in you're life or I'm questioning my existence in terms of you and our little family. I can't keep going on like this I will physically and mentally break down and one day I'll just be gone.
This virus and the isolation isn't fucking helping. When the only emotional support I seem to get is from my best friend and my worst enemy all in one, I have to question my place in this world and how much is left to keep trying to be something when in reality I'm nothing and I was always nothing. I was raised to be disposable, by everyone who ever said they fucking cared about me.
I'm trying to break out of this depression but there are day where it overwhelms and there is there is. I do things. Being stuck doing nothing I either have to direct my energy in positive ways that's have value to me like you're ring or one day I'm going to go click, click, boom or jump into the falls.
My life no longer has a purpose beyond being you're guy in some fashion and his father. It is what keeps me sane and keeps me living on this earth. I honestly thought that I had lost the right to both. But things changed. Everything had changed.
I'm no coward but sometimes the darkness overwhelms and I do think of it. You keep me going. No matter how and where we stand.
I don't like feeling like I'm disposable and worthless, esp. on a day when I have made gigantic sacrifices to try and save whatever that once was. It was important to talk to you and I didn't. Another betrayal.
I've spent this holiday drinking myself to death because I am cold and empty, but my tolerances only make me feel pretty good in terms of being drunk. I fall asleep some nights not wanting to wake up but at least the last couple days the first voice I hear in the morning is yours. That's gotta stand for fucking something.
If you'd rather be with welfare trash than me, that's you're perogitive, but I'm an educated man that loves you very much and I know my fucking worth. I will walk away one day and never fucking look back. You can't twist my mind forever. I'm not the type To be manipulated. I did what I fucking did yesterday because I had something to prove to you yes, but I also did it because I had something to prove to myself. It's done. I'll never fucking take it back. But you need to fucking earn it.
I have every fucking reason to grow cold now. I should have lost whatever this fucking spark inside my chest was years ago. But I fucking haven't. I don't understand why you're so fucking special, but you are. You always will be. I may love you, but I don't trust you. That's gonna take a long time to earn back.
One day I will stop answering the phone. I just hope it's not any time soon.
We had a future, Once.....
...this isn't it.
Let's see what next year brings. I don't want it to be more of the same.
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