Something's are worth fighting for no matter the cost. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would think I would have the chance to fight for you agian. A fight I never should have fucking backed down from. I never will agian.you are so important I'll always be here.
Don't get me fucking wrong. From you're behaviors I expect to lose. That doesn't mean I'm not going to fight. Because I love you, you're a missing part of my soul I have never ever been able to replace no matter how fucking much I have tried to replace the void.
You constantly fucking hurt me in the times that mean the most but at this fucking point it's expected. It won't break me. One day we will figure this all out. Or we will just destroy each other. In my estimation there's not much left of either of us for that too fucking matter. I just want the little bit that is left of the three of us to be happy moments. That's all I'm trying for. That's all I'm fighting for.
Every year for the last two we go thru the motions re his birthday, the holidays and the other days that mean so much to us as a family. But we always come up short due to you're choices. He deserves better than that. That's why even tho it would be easier and less complicated for me to walk away, I'm keeping my hand in. I'm sticking around to fight. It's the only choice at this point. You wouldn't let me walk away anyways.
It is what is fueling my current decisions. I have a big moment planned. One I am utterly terrified of but I'm stubborn and stupid and I face my fucking fears head on..... Always. You may be the great love of my life and the mother of my child but you are also my worst fear, but not for the reasons you think.
I don't regret my life, or most of my decisions but I do regret not having you beside me for most of the way. I am trying to change that. My big move will come before year's end. Maybe next year will make sense the way things are supposed to be.
You're actions are never forgot. And everytime I get close to trusting you, you prove exactly why I shouldn't. I'm not doing the things I plan to do for you. They are for my own mental health, I have prove to myself I'm capable of this... Because you are what matters, you've always been what mattered. I loved you and wanted to marry you long before our son was born. I should have let you know that. This time I'm going to.
You are the one thing in my entire fucking life I haven't been able to cut ties and walk away from, even before he was born I felt this way.
There has to be a reason for that.
That being said, I may love you, but there are fucking days where I don't like you very fucking much. Some days it seems like you exist to fucking hurt me. Today is one of those days.
All I know how to do is fight. That's what I'm going to do. But I'm getting real fucking sick of the way you constantly fucking betray me because you're own needs and wants are more important than ours as a family. That's why we've never been one.
The worst part is you always fuck me over right when I'm buying the ring. There is a huge reason for that. Either I'm never going to be good enough or you never fucking wanted it in the first place. You just exist to torture me by coming in and out of my life knowing that I'll always answer.
I'll always be there even when I don't want to be.
The worst part of all this is you had me trusting you agian, and you betrayed that, agian. It's one thing to betray my love you'll always have that. But my trust isn't something u get to keep.
It has to be earned. And you've lost it agian.
You always fucking hurt me, I don't know if it's because we are broken or because of you're damage or by design.
My sin was probably loving you unconditionally, you're afraid of that.
I will always but you are only half of that equation. Don't ever forget that part. And he'll be an actual adult in less than a year. Maybe then some truths will come out. I wouldn't want to be in you're shoes the day he learns the whole truth instead of just you're half.
Maybe one day you'll realize that all I have ever done is fight for my son... Even if I had to cut out the best part of my life and go to war against her to do so. I love you very much, but I love him just as much... And if it means fighting while I tear my heart from my chest so be it.
I will always be here for you... I just don't have to fucking like it.. I am doing whatever the hell I have planned for me, for my mental health.... So I can tell my son I tried... So I can tell my son that even after you hurt me to the bone I am still in love with his mother and that will never fucking change.... But I'm getting real sick of pulling you're knife from my back.
I'm gonna fight for you this time... Even if it's the last thing I fucking do in this life time.
You're worth fighting for.
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