Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over.  All of our moments are over.  I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts.  I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

I don’t care. I don’t have time to care anymore. I have my reasons for doing shit and while they will continue I know exactly where you and I stand. I’m good with that. Id rather have an honest enemy than someone who faked affection for me when she needs something. I’m happy with my life and I’m under not pretensions that things will ever change anymore. There are better uses of my energy in this life than being angry.  I don’t need or want you in my life. It has been twenty years since you mattered. All you want is control and to have that so I don’t slip away.  That’s not how it works. I am free of all your bullshit and the longer it is the easier it is to walk away from everything I once was with you. We were a cup of coffee in a generation that didn’t make an sense. Why the hell do we still even continue to exist to each other. He’s grown. It’s time for me to walk away. These emotions hurt and as much as I bury them all it takes is one phone call or one text from you and t...

I don’t care if you answer or respond anymore. I can look myself in the mirror and my son in the eye and know that I tried. For twenty damn years I tried whatever you expected of me, I was here. The fact you don’t answer confirms everything now I need to know. And I can move on. I gave you everything I had in this life. And more. What the actual fuck have you ever wanted from me? At this point, I’m just doing what I’ve always done. Moving on. There is no more hope. There is no more days left. One maybe. Lets see how I feel in September. But I am done trying otherwise. I really hoped something would change in two decades but we have defined who we are for a generation. And there will be answers provided when the time comes. Till then, I’m back to waiting unless you change the game.