Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  There's nothing left to fight for. Win or lose we fought the battle till the end. And then it just ended. Whatever we are, whatever we were, its spent five fucking years being a ghost of what it once was.. I stopped fighting long ago when I made peace with you, but every fucking day its still a fucking war In my head. I still question every moment and wonder when the next moment is coming. Waxing poetically I think it was better when I had something to fight, either for you or agianst you. This nothingness removes you from my life too often and nothing replaces it. Its just easier with every big moment to be become even more numb and continue on. Because thats status quo, I'm not comfortable with that. I'm also not the one to let the walls fall if we made a change, see my life my castles are in ruins. All that crumbles now are your illusions if you ever choose to face the truth. Ill just dance in the rotting bones that remain of both of our lives, with or without you and...

Have we finally reached a finality? Is this the moment where I once agian walk away for good. I feel nothing for making an effort anymore and wonder how much of the last few years has been performative or of the thought i had nothing left. Five fucking years ago I bought that ring. It was all I had left then and it was done in anger then, now im not even sure you deserve that energy. Im just done. There is nothing left.  Nothing owed and Nothing left to give. I have made every attempt. There is no reason any longer to try. So I won't. You win. This is your happy ending. Me as the constant villian for your story to line up as it should. My life is still better for knowing you and aspiring to be a better person but I didn't destroy me, thats on you. That's always been on you. My failure then and now and likely forever is not recognizing it, blinded by my emotions I allowed you to manipulate me into the box I am in. I should have walked away then, I am walking away now. You ha...

  I will always try. That is my nature. And the nature of my feelings. I am here. The only reason I am here is because of the two of you. I talked myself into not doing something that I should have done. Even if the answer would have been No. It was expected this year. I am no longer listening to the external voices in my head, I have enough trouble with the ones in my head. I know how I feel and I know why I make these attempts. I shouldn't deviate from these patterns. I tried.  From now on, I do whatever I feel like doing and follow my fucking heart and not listen to others that have no emotional stake in the matter. This is my life and my heart and my family. Its where i need to be. Its who I need to be. This trip was just about being here and close to you on christmas. That's all it ever is. That's why I come. At christmas I try. Period. You are both loved, always unconditionally. I'm sorry I wasnt at table rock on the 25th. I should have been.

I am Home for christmas. And im happy. Im going for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants here a second year in a row for boxing day. And I will be enjoying my dinner with a loved one. Thats all I need good company, good conversation and a little vacation. Everything else is extra. I'm here. I tried. Dinner anytime this week is offered. Its the fact that I am here. Thats all I need. I made an attempt. I love you both. But I'm not pressuring anything this year. I'm just here. Its where I'm supposed to be. This is Home. Merry Christmas.

I am home. I am looking for you. Its still christmas. there is no anger here, there is only love. Today you get that, you know that regardless where we end up in this life. There are days where we won't and don't fight. Today is one of them, ill take that call. I love you both, and today is the one day I wont be angry if you make that call. I just want to hear yours and his voices and wish you a merry Christmas. Today is a day of peace, you know where you stand with me... we don't need more than that. Just to talk. Your decision. I'm here. I've always been here. Merry Christmas, I love you both. Always.

Happy birthday son. I tried. Maybe next year. I love you, I hope your enjoying your birthday. I'll always be here, there are gifts waiting.

  I keep being left for fucking dead abd written off but somehow I continue to survive and be a fucking thorn in your side, there must be a reason for that. You might want to try and find out your reasons for that. I survived long before you and there was a reason for that too. You were the happy accident that led to tragedy, me, the government, authority? I hold no illusions i know exactly where I stand and have since the 1980s. There is no free thought in this country, just an agenda.   Is it still paranoia when the paranoiac is absolutely right? I am hypervigilant, I always expect the fucking wolf at the door. My life doesnt improve, it just fucking evolves into yet another monster I have to deal with. Too bad I evolved into a monster to be able to push back agianst it as well. I know exactly who I am and what im capable of. I know im angry. That's not something that will ever truly go the fuck away, but I have reasons for my anger. I always have and things just co...

  I wear my fucking heart on my sleeve, quite literally if you look at the tattoo underneath.. thats the only true person I love, but honestly no one else is going to matter ever. Especially the women in my life that play games and go hot and cold and hide behind their illusions. Im right here, take me as I am, darkness and demons and all or just leave me the fuck alone.. im at peace, I dont need anyone, the only one I need is him... and thats the battle that would have me walk thru Mordor over and over agian. Everyone else in my life is simply a distraction, I am fucking laser focused on that and always have been. I've watched empires fall around me waiting for that change. Maybe one day, but for now ill continue adventuring on my own... thats all I need. I'm at the point in my life I don't care who stays and who leaves and who comes back into my life in this moment. I know who will be there are the end. That's all that matter. Until then I'm good taking this j...

This is my life now. I hope you enjoy the fucking show. Its not over. Ever. Can you not be entertained. You know I start to really consider all the years in the wilderness wandering without doing things, did I really feel the need to be educated and sophisticated and above the things I love or was it a lack of contacts and money? I choose to think it was the latter but then I look at my college and university years and I realize the exact moment everything changed and I settled down. Was it worth it? Every second. But I wonder why ten years ago I was still chasing that dragon. I definitely consider it now that i shouldn't be. I like my distractions. That's part of why my life collapsed. I didnt have them and I held onto the tiny shred of something I can never have for far longer than I ever should have. I'm not a mythological character. When i have stories of the things ive doneits because I've done them and am continuing to do legendary things. That's who I am. Lar...

This is who I am. This is all the world.allows me to be, and somehow you have a romantic notion that its a good place to be, the nomad, the bard, playing his guitar. Just moving on. Youre the only reason I ever choose to put down roots, and that umbilical cord has turned into a noose. Im stuck her for better or worse without you. Because despite options I know the reality is I need to deal with all responsibilities. That keeps me here. That keeps me grounded in the moment I'm in. I get to be me. The constant entertainer. Who you passed by in life and gave no accord. I'm just here. I don't matter. I'm just the pathetic sad clown. Moving on. But it is to my own drum because its always had to be. Nobody and nothing is changing that. You couldn't then. Why bother trying now. I go to the pit to release aggravation. And to deal with the skeletons in my head. But music is always what brought me to the table. The fact I get to enjoy it on my own terms now means everyth...

I guess this is finally the moment I let go. There is no point chasing dragons anymore. Illusions and the unreality need to finally come to an end. It doesnt matter who is or isn't in my life because at the end of the day he isn't. And thats what's important and why I always try. But he's an adult he can make his own decisions. I'll never truly walk away not really, but I am picking and choosing my moments for me now. There cant be any more trying I cannot afford it and I dont want to keep running into the same brick walls. I have a good life and I have adventures and do my own thing. I dont need to worry about others who disregard me when it doesnt suit her agenda. Im gonna look at where my options lie in the new year and stop holding myself back from new experiences and taking new chances but I'm done chasing the albatross. Its been around my neck long enough. You placed it there... I'm removing it. I need to be free. I need my life to be what ...

I dont know what the next option is. However I do know that its nice to have options in my life that make me happy. I'm going to live in the moment and see what the world brings me. No expectations but no world changing movements that are under appreciated either. If this is the path im set on so be it... if it changes im good with that. Both paths lead to struggle But both paths also lead to happiness. And I'm willing to change or be status quo. Im happy in my life and I have good people around. No drama. I think it may continue on that path. I live my life in moments both good abd bad. That's what I have because I dont know how many I have left. The last few moments have been an eye opener.  That should say it all. I'm going to choose happiness at the end. But it'll be on my terms as it always is.  No one elses. No one has ever been there to save me... why should I be classified as savior. I'd rather be with someone who makes me happy without drama. All loo...

This was the last chance. And the last Dance. Im going to move on now. Its obvious that Im just a distraction when shes lonely. Fuck that noise. I have people who actually love me in this life that want my presence in my life and my company. Im gonna focus on them. Its time to move on from a fairytale that was never going to ever fucking come true. You have nothing to offer me anymore and I think tonight was the last moment I had to offer.  Live by your actions, not by your words and honestly im reading your actions and false promises over and over agian and its always the same result and answer. I have other options. I'm thinking im gonna give all my energy to said options. Down this road only leads disappointment.

I do things that make me happy and create memories. Things may change in mu life significantly in quick succession or I may be status quo for a long time... either way I plan to be happy and have adventures as long as I can. That's who I need to be. That's where I am happiest. In moments. I like who I am. I like what my life is no. I don't need a partner to define who I am. Neither does she. We have separate lives but we are in each other's orbit. However, no one threatens her, much less my son. And one would do well to keep in mind that fact, as well as the fact that I constantly enter the pit to throw around and slam dance with guys that are half my age. Im still doing it because its one way to assist with emotions. Emotions that are currently bubbling over. And not in a positive way. I will deal with both positive and negative emotions when I have to. The angry music scene helps me deal with that. When my world is a maelstrom going to a pit helps get some of those em...

Part of me having peace in my life is you having peace in yours. I'm not happy right now that it seems like this is something you no longer have. When it seems like the only thing in this life that can give you peace is me, maybe it's time to explore that possibility. Always being there for you is a curse. I know why I do it and why that phone call will never be unanswered no matter the time of fucking day. Going to sleep angry because I feel helpless and not sleeping and then waking up still angry isn't helping you, him or I at all. We need to make some changes. It might be time for me to be proactive on some of them rather than waiting for something to happen. There is a reason I will never allow you to save me. The first being that I don't need saving. My destiny is my own and you're help gives you more control than I'm willing to concede to you. The second is I'm the knight in tainted armor that should be saving you. This is how I was raised. The hero sa...

I don't know the next step anymore. There are things in my world that aren't making any fucking sense  both here and elsewhere and my patience level is extremely fucking low. There is an option and an escape mechanism.  I know what's being offered and what's being given to me in this life are two different things and that the reality is that I'm only going to be status quo and more and more miserable the longer it continues. I need a new life. I shouldn't be nostalgic for miserable moments in my life, but even in my misery those moments I seemed to have both more and more things to do... now I just sit and do nothing and there is the same repetitive bullshit every day with no change. Is there daylight? Or is it just fucking darkness. 5 years of nothingness today isn't helping either. I'm sick of being the reasonable and responsible one when I have fucking lost everything. Why do I still have to be here? I accept my responsibilities all of th...

I am having fun on my life and there is nothing needed in my life except the things I am working on both within and without. The fact I am almost 50 doing awesome and crazy things like jumping off stage with one of my favorite bands says it all. I spent way too much time in my life caring what others thought. I'm way more cooler and way more at peace doing my own thing. If I find some added peace soon so be it, but I'm good with things the way they are. I'm gonna live a good life, it will be one you can base a movie on. I'm gonna keep doing things and amusing myself as.creating epic moments. That's where I stand with everyone and everything in this life. I'd like certain people at my side but I'm also good with the people that are and I'm always gonna have with it. Why else would I want to live this life. I'm middle aged and crazy and I plan on staying that way. I'm happier than I've been in year and more importantly more at peace. Nothing wi...

  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

I am happy in my life. And content. I'm just waiting upon the next step. That's all it is. There is something missing, there always will be until I fix my little family. That's always going to the hole inside. But I'm working on it. I know that if there ever has to be an answer for 2011 that it will not be the courts. It will be me. Doing the right thing as a father. Why I've always stayed forever vigilant.  I watched you sit 3 aisles from me. I know where I stand on that. Nothing more needs to be said. There is no fear and no anger. Just sadness for the years we have lost. We have a lot to deal with. And even more to be hyper vigilant  about. I don't know where it will all lead. I just know I will always be here. I will never betray you the way others in your life have. I may walk away at times to protect you, your mental health and my own sanity. But I will never hurt you intentionally.  I'll always be here. The phone will always be answe...

I have no regrets. Only sadness that things didn't go the way they were supposed to when tell me about sad moments that I should have been there for. There are too many of those. I should have been at your side at the concert to to hold you. We have a moment now let's see how it goes. But I will always be here and it's pretty obvious now you will always be in orbit. Not being in each other's lives was a mistake.  The fact that even tho we didn't sit together I have now watched a concert with my son is mindblowing. Hopefully stuff like this continues.  I do understand why it's complicated. I'm very aware of we spend time together that those old emotions will bubble up to the service and once you've had my touch regularly or even been in the same room. With me extended periods things will change. I'm very aware you are afraid of that. But we have only so much time left. And that's gets very apparent every moment that we have. Esp the sorts scary o...

A lot of people are going to be left behind. My life isn't an easy one and people that aren't fucking contributing to my life can be left behind. I'm not in a great place mentally and it feels like it's going to be extended trip of the same old thing. If you don't know me at all, if I'm stuck in a fucking moment  I don't want to be in I will find a way to change the situation. I've already lost one good freind to the fact that I am stuck in my current situation and I am not appreciated for it. What's a few more. I honestly wish that the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't a freight train. I know it's the least worst option for both of us but at the end of the day it's just trading one misery for another. I need to figure out the next step for me, not for anyone else. This year has sucked balls and I'm just going around and around in fucking circles. When I am underappractied by people or worse feeling downright fuckin...

There is one undefined moment left. But it will have to wait until I know where I stand with you. I can't keep going on and on and wondering where I stand. If there is nothing I fucking chose nothing. I can and will live in the land of fantasy with my own things. And I'm having fun and not in need of anyone. But there is something missing and you fucking know that. It's why you keep extending the olive branch but only so far. I go silent because it's easier for me for the wealth of emotion I have for you to deal with than to deal with empty promises. I will chose the nothing. I have before. I will agian. I chose it over drama every damn time. When every phone call ends through same way... in confusion. It's not even anger or a war anymore. But I am reminded that I wasn't there in the moment you and him needed me the most. I tried. I should have tried harder and forced my  way in. That's part of why you've never truly forgiven me for everything. You nee...

  I may love you, that may even be a constant that will never change. But i dont have a problem walking away for my own self respect, mental health and peace. I don't think our story will ever really end. But i refuse to play delusional fairy tale games as well. I like that our moment isn't completely done but we are no longer tied to promises. I know you don't like being in control and you ain't ready that is understood. But i need more than a one day maybe. There is love, there will always be love. That doesn't change. Our story hasn't ended it's just a diffrent set of rules. You surprised me. I was expecting the end game.  I am happy that you are in my life and that its open ended. We will see what tommorow brings. We need to discuss the next option. But maybe its better that we take time and nor jump into anything. You have been back in my life for six fucking years coming and going. Nothing ever gets resolved. We were only together for just under fo...

There is always the next option. But the game has changed... there is a new element... just because there is hope doesn't mean it will fucking remain. I'm gonna continue to do my own thing and you can somehow find me if needed. I'm not going to chase anymore. Not that I ever did. But today is my day. I'm going to enjoy it. I don't know the next step on anything. But I am reflecting that nothing has changed since my 43rd birthday 6 years ago and maybe at this point something needs to. I just keep staying in the same old pattern miserably. I need to figure some stuff for fifty. This isn't going to be my world forever. As usual I'm just holding on waiting for the next moment. There has to be more than this. There is always time to be miserable later. Today I'm going to just enjoy myself and not look back. But I have to make things change. 

I Am Not Someone Who Is Loved. I'm An Idea. A State Of Mind. I'm not there. I will never be there. That moment is gone. It doesn't matter how much I love you. It's Time to move on and stop pretending that there is any chsnce of reconcilation. That's never been a reality just your fantasy. I'm not even angry or hateful any more. All i expected was better than this. We needed an endgame, this is it. Poof. I'm Gone. The life sentence is done. I have given you enough of my life. No more. I will always me there. You are my son's mother.. thats nsver going to change.. but you being my wife? That has to be done. It doesn't matter how much one of us loves the other. One of us is toxic and doesn't live in any kind of reality. Happy Anniversary Babe. I will always love you. I will always be there. I will always pick up the damn phone even when i don't want to. Esp on our days where i will always refuse to fight you. But I am Done with making the eff...

Youve already made me a demon. I might as well accept my role as the fucking monster in the story too. I've embraced being the devil and the demon for far too long. I am the monster that used to lie in your bed. But i haven't forgotten the monster you turned me into. I look him dead in the eye every morning in the mirror. I know what you created and what you destroyed. I wander dark halls of my own volition, but the darkness you lead down is worse than any hell i can imagine. I wouldn't want to be in your head and i hardly want to be in my own. I'm sick of being angry and i'm trying to find peace, but any moment you are in my life its just turmoil. I don't think i am going to be there. It hurts too much. All i have been for a minute is depressed. That's always been your affect on me. To pull me into a black hole even deeper than my usual darkness. I have to make a decison soon. You were my enemy once. You are just a memory now.  But when i slam the door ...

The moment approaches and soon it will be gone. Theres a very good chance when it does i will be giving myself heart and soul to someone else when you don't show up as expected. You'll finally get your wish and be able to tell my kid I'm a deadbeat dad. Because this time i will walk away forever. I won't look back another time when all hope is gone. This is our final moment. Time for you to decide what comes next. Because the other answer is oblivion.  You dont get to hurt me anymore. And i wont hurt because of you and yours anymore. Haven't we suffered enough pain together as a family. I loved her too. But you keep twisting the knife and i need to find my own place of peace. And as long as your in my life i am not sure i will ever find that moment. So i think its best i give you one final moment and then walk away. Better for us all if I'm a faded fucking memory of someone i used to be. Thats who you were in love with. Not me. After this, no second chances. No ...

I live in the real world. I don't live in the fairytale world where you think you can hurt and destroy people without consquences. Oh no, your not happy and not at peace because of your life and you choices. I'm not going to let you upset my life and my peace. I've tried hard enough and watched you destroy enough of my freindships and relationships. No more. I can't live in your fucking world because it doesn't fucking exist... and you've probaly dragged my child down the rabbit hole with you. I have tried hard enough. I'm done. I hope your illusions keep you warm at night and i hope they will be there to comfort you at the end because there is a very good fuckin chance that i won't be. You can only hurt a man so much with your bullshit. I will walk away and forget your fucking name. It's happened before. I have no fucking qualms about doing it agian. I'm done fighting with you. I'm done entertaining these illusions on your life you take a...

Just because i won't fight with you on your fucking birthday mean you get the fucking right to hurt me and yell at me and make me feel like shit the day after. I will always listen and i will always be there for you. But at this point there are other options in my life and im going to fucking persue them. Be happy with your bullshit freinds, Gossip and all that fucking damage and drama in your life. You're jealous that there isn't any in my fucking life. There is a reason for that. Ive made a fucking choice to prioritize my responsibilities and my people that actually care and love me. I'm not going to allow you to hurt me and twist the knife to hurt me. You created a fight to deflect from your damage and drama and why the fuck i have prioritized this for the last few years. This is a pattern. This is why an end date was chosen. Im going to stick to that. I can't keep doing this on everyone of our significant dates. There has to be an end. No matter how much i care ...

Happy birthday.  Hope you are happy and enjoying yourself. I like that we are civil and communicating but i also think you need to take some introspective time and decide the next step. I want you to be happy whether or not I am a part of your life. And i am trying very hard to be. Today, this weekend. I just want to talk to you, hear you laugh..maybe even see you smile. Thats all i want. For you to enjoy your day and hear happy Birthday from me and my son. Thats all you need..to know you are loved. Happy Birthday Baby. You are always loved. No matter what. Unconditional.

I am burning out here as caregiver and its becoming more and more difficult with outside interests to maintian things as ststus quo. Esp when i have a someone who is good with his world as is even if my life isn't as comfortable. I used to think as long as rent was paid and food was in fridge and his needs were met that could be enough for me but its becoming something that i am being taken advatage for constantly. I have other interests and responsiibilties out there that have to be taken into consideration in the long run and the longer i ignore them the longer i will be miserable and feel trapped in my own situation. I tend to get to a point where ill drop everything and fucking move on. Im seriously getting to that point agian. There is a glitch in the matrix and its not a comfortable level of misery anymore. I can't continue to stay and remain at status quo. I have other interests and things in ny life i could be. I could be elsewhere. This wasn't the expectation in my...

This hasn’t been a good summer. It’s started off bad and continued to be bad all summer. Sone of those choices are mine and some of it is just the usual damage. I was hoping this would be a better year but instead it has all fallen apart. I don’t even know if it’s worthwhile for the next move.  I just want to deal with the things I need to deal with and fade the fuck away to the next move. I don’t even know where I stand and I feel like I’ve hurt a good friend and I need to address some shit in my life or fade the fuck away myself. I feel broken from the events of this summer and I’m not sure the next step.  I can’t always care when others show their behaviours towards me in negative ways. And I can and will walk away from anything that is a fucking threat to my existence. At this point I am burning out and being blamed for something, I need to make some hard and fast decisions and possibly move on for my own mental health. I’ve allowed myself to be in a repeating pattern for ...

The respect level has changed. Certain relationships will be evaluated closely to see where I remain with them. This has been the summer of hell and while I am enjoying myself it is skirting the line of being comfortable and being dangerous. I like being dangerous but I am concerned that I am only a fair weather freind to people that continually use me for their own agendas. And others that just use me for their own amusement.  I don’t need to be any ones life that doesn’t respect me or treats me like an acquaintance most of the time. I get really frustrated when my words fall on deaf ears. No one listens to me. So I’m supposed to do everything? Not when people don’t listen or bother with me.  It hurts that a trusted freind has treated me like a peon this month. And it shows how our lives are diverging. It’s frustrating that he has made promises he doesn’t follow thru on. However I am used to it. Everyone disappoints me eventually. It comes as no surprise that I’m much lower o...

I do epic things and I am happy. I have good freinds and I need for nothing in this life. I am having an absolute blast with two of my best freinds in the entire world and I hope that I can do this many more times. I live each day like it’s my last like it’s the last for a reason.  But sometimes it just feels good to be able to do so. The fact this was always my plan to end the visit with, makes me happy I was able to be the one to plan and pay for it. I am sad my friend is going home tommorow and that the future in uncertain. There will be another time for moments but it might take a while. That makes me sad. Maybe next summer in Great Britain….

I am legendary and I do the impossible things. I am always going to go to all the things until I’m in the ground. I love my friend’s and I love showing them how epic life can be in my world. It’s not always great shakes but it can be. A moment can change everything. And often does. 

I am an afterthought in a lot of peoples lives. But I know who I am close to and who k matters. My personality, my ethics and my morals are things that are unchanging. I’m gonna be a gentleman with whoever I’m hanging out with.  And I’m going to protect those that I love. And make sure they get home safe.  I do epic shit and I hang out with epic people. I am legendary. I have things to deal with and drama. It doesn’t matter. I’m having fun and I’m just letting the world flow. I’m having fun and I’m not letting things be any more complicated than I need to. I’m happy. And I’m happy being a good person and a gentleman. 

I definitely have con fatigue. It’s time to be done for a while. It’s ended at the place it began. That’s important to me.is soon accomplish and someone I care about for one of his holy grails. Time to forget about all this for a while and just have fun and be happy with my freind.  Need to focus on the things in my life that are important and have value to me and these fake fucking plastic people don’t. It’s time to separate from all that.  Walking away from toxic people is easy but I don’t want to lose the good people in my life by alienating them. This shit affects my moods. Time for it to be done.  I have epic adventures and friends from all over internationally. I need to focus on them and my priorities. This is another chapter of my life closed. Period.  Im gonna just enjoy the rest of the trip with one of my oldest friend’s and have fun. 

It’s been a long time coming for this return to the place everything started with the con stuff. And the fact I am doing it with my best international friend that I’ve known over 20 years makes today so much sweeter.  It may be dumbledores last dance. It might not be. But to leave it ten years ago and come back a legend? Yeah. This is the way to go out.  No more anger about the costume, no more sadness or stress, no more con politics . Just one more day where I can be me. Where I can have fun being me. That’s it. That’s all I need to be. No more pretending that I work well with others. I don’t. But I’m good with this cosplay all on my own. It’s fun, people like it. And if it’s time to be done I left it the same as I came into it. On my own terms. This is where it began, it’s fitting that this is where it ends.  Im happy and today will be a good day once we get there.  Current Mood: Happy.  Current Music: bottom feeder, parkway drive.

  I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about.  I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love.  Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love.  The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do.  And only one of us has it. 

The bats have left the bell tower.  And another chapter in my life ends. One with more negatives than positives. Same reasons as the last time I was associated with anything other than myself. At least the last time I left something like this I was walking away from money. This time, I am walking away from exactly fucking nothing of value. All it ever was, it was an albatross around my neck. It started bad and it ended quietly. With the same quiet knives of jealousy in my back that had always been there. At least when I’m an asshole I’ll come at you directly with a fucking rhinoceros in a China shop attitude. I don’t hide behind others and I stand behind the words I say. I don’t apologize because it’s a sign of weakness. And I don’t care, because I have bigger things in my life and my world than this. I walked away from all this when it made me money and miserable. Now all it does is make me miserable. There’s no reason for me to continue and I don’t do plastic two faced people. At...