Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I break rules, I’m a rule breaker. This is how I live my life. I’m not real big on conformity. If you had my life why would you see any reason to colour within the lines and be a peaceful Member of society? I have fun and do stuff. I’ve never had what one would consider a normal life, why in the hell would I want to start one now? I’m not real big on conformity, my life thrives on chaos, even in a time I have some form of peace in my life, I still need my moments like these heavy metal shows I’m constantly at to remind me that at my core I’m still me, and to release some of the aggro and aggression o bottle up to keep those around me and those I care about safe.  Doing things on my own terms rather than changing to trying to be the person someone else wanted is so much easier than changing to fit into a mold that I thought was wanted 25 years ago.  That road only lead to chaos and pain anyways. I’m so much better being me, and letting peace lead me than chasing it. 

I am a ghost and a spectre in a lot of peoples lives that I have touched. Some I shouldn’t be, and some I have willingly walked away for my own mental health. I’m starting to get to that point with many things in my life agian. I thought it would be easier to live a simple life and just have fun but I think it’s harder than when I worked my face off as a father. At least then my enemies didn’t pretend to be my freinds and the world wasn’t falling apart slowly. Just my world.  I think I prefer whatever that was then compared to what the world is now. I have my own life and adventures and I don’t need anyone that doesn’t want or need to be in my life. I have fun with what I do and don’t let negative sources affect my life. If you’re gonna drag me down, I’ll be gone. That’s how it works.  You’re not going to disturb my fucking peace. That’s what the metal shows are for. That is anger’s release. Plus to have fun. 

The issues at home are still there. I’m trying to fix them but it is burying me under the fucking weight.  I don’t pretend to be a bad boy or a hardass. I have had a difficult life as has those that I care for. Some of that is our own decisions and some of that is a twist of fate. However, I will act to protect the little I own. Primary amongst that is my own mental health. I’m making some new choices so I’m not constantly angry and aggressive towards people and more than that I’m not doing things that cause me physical pain. It’s time for me to change from being nice and polite and happy with the world agian.  I’m at peace. It doesn’t mean I have to be anyones fucking doormat. In fact that is the complete opposite. It’s probably time for me to show some teeth agian and be a mean old miserable person. I mean everyone already thinks I am. Might as well go back to it.  I have my own problems and I don’t need others problems invading them and creating more issues for me. It’...

When I decide to burn a bridge I fucking dynamite it, there is no looking back or forgiveness because when I destroy something it stays destroyed. I don’t just burn the bridge I annihilate it. And i do it with no remorse and no regret. I’m a fucking Phoenix and always have been. I’m an agent of chaos not order and I destroy things it’s in my nature. When I choose to do it deliberately look out. There may be collateral damage, but at this point I don’t care or give a damn. There is already collateral damage on my side. It’s just karma if it affects someone else negatively too. Burn it all down, I’ve always had a scorched earth policy because it’s easy to start over with nothing. Than to use people or even still have them in my life when I don’t like or respect them. Just gone and fire and burn. Napalm destroys everything.  I only like or respect those that are good to me and have proved there loyalty when I have nothing to offer. When i feel used or am being used I will walk the fuc...

I don’t get used, and I don’t like feeling like I’ve been used for doing something I enjoy. This is why it’s done. This is now affecting my health and my actual family. It’s better for me and my mental health to stick to me and my crew with this con bullshit anyways. That’s always the way it worked even back in 13 to 15 before I got fed up and quit the last time. This time I think it’ll eventually be for keeps. I’m done playing politics with peons that have no idea who I am in real life. Fuck off. I don’t need you.  I am completely at peace with this decision and I actually think it’s better for me than anything I have done with thing. It was nice finally do a non toy con in the actual city I was born in and spent my formative adult years in but honestly. One and done. I don’t need this anymore. There are too many emotional vampires involved in it sucking out my positive energy. And I don’t need that.  I won’t be talked down to by anyone least of all someone I consider a starf...

Ever get the feeling your a prisoner of your own creations? I did something to be fun and now it feels like I’m weighted down in the deep end as a result. I’m not drowning for anyone else. I have real problems in my life involving my loved ones. I don’t have time to deal with people who are just adjecent to whatever I’m doing in my life.  It’s time to not be angry, to not let emotions over take. It’s walk away time. Just let bygones be bygones and move on… it’s not the first time, it won’t be the last. 

I've wined and dined with kings and queens and I've slept in alleys and dined on pork and beans. It’s time to be Done. I’m done with drama. I’m done with bullshit. I don’t need anyone in my life using me. Not as an emotional support animal and not as cheap labour because I’m a popular character. It’s just time to be absolutely done with it. I have my hobbies and I have my life. I don’t need anyone being ungrateful and making me Miserable. I have enough of that in my life.  I have good freinds and good family. That’s all I need. I don’t need to be a rock star or a white dwarf starlet. I’m not a starfucker. I never have been. I just dont care. People are people. But if I’m made to feel like less than nothing it’s time to move on, and I feel very low after Working very hard this weekend. Some people are just ungrateful. I have a life and I’m low key windsor, con and toronto hamilton metal and indy scene famous all on my own. I don’t need any one else’s help to be me. I don’t want ...

I am happy and have had a good weekend seeing friend’s and family around the biggest Wwe event that toronto has had for a while. I’m actually starting to be comfortable in my own skin about the shadow that Skydome looms in my life and particularly my past. But I’m not going to let that darkness affect the fun and good people that I have in my life.  I did for others long enough. I do for me now. I’m happy just doing for whoever’s currently in my fuckin orbit. I don’t need anyone in my life in any kind of matter that doesn’t want to be there. I’m having fun, living my life, and being fucking legendary.  I had a good time this weekend. 

I don’t have or want to care. You chose your own drama. I don’t have any drama in my life because I choose not to have any in my life. When I let drama into my life all I had was misery. Now all I have is good elements in my life, id rather have the life I have now than trying to live up to some bullshit ideal from two decades ago. I’m good with my life as it currently is.  I absolutely refuse to let you or anyone ruin my peace. Dealing with downtown bullshit is so high school but it is the person you are. And it is not the person I am. I live larger. And I’m half a generation removed from all these pathetic losers you associate with.  When I chose to be with you I had my own path. I have my own path now. I don’t need to deal with your failures and anger about the world. I have my own. I’ll deal with my own.  Because I have good things in my life too.

The war is over. The war has just begun. I don’t know what the reality of your life is anymore. I’m so used to the unreality of your shattered moments that I can’t figure out what the next step is anymore. And I’m pretty sure that everything you tell me is a half truth.  That being fucking said, anyone that threatens my child, will be dealt with accordingly. That goes beyond whatever this thing between you and i is. You need to grow up and stop living in that pathetic little world you claim to call home. I don’t have drama in my life other than you. There is a reason for that. It’s a choice. I walked away from the things that disturbed my peace a long long time ago.  You need to decide if we are a family in more than name only and stop pretending that you can deal with all this. Because you clearly can’t. I trusted you for years to do the right thing by my son and stood in the shadows because it was the right thing. But years after the war I’m just watching it all go fucking d...

I am here. I am not going anywhere. I know my life and my responsibilities. I just need us to be able to figure things out. I am invisible bin your life but I am still here. Maybe it’s time for the family ghost to make more of an appearance in your life. Maybe that’s not longer a question.  We have enough reasons to not be together maybe it’s time to question the reasons why we aren’t together and why we should be. I can’t keep being on the outside looking in.  I need a reason to be there and as it stands I do not have one to be there.  I can’t stay forever on the outside looking in. Something has to change. Time is running out. I am losing patience. I have been on the outside looking in in your orbit for 20 years because of your decisions. You and him simply being in my life isn’t good enough anymore. Not after two decades of us fighting. All or nothing works both ways.  It’s been twenty years since I made the decision to go to war. That’s completely on me.  Bu...

I am sick of just surviving so others in my life can be comfortable. If they make shitty decisions why should I be the one to fucking suffer. I need to be more agressive about myself in this coming year. Regardless of how I feel about people I think it’s fucking time that I make sure I make time and finances for me instead of this black fucking hole i constantly return to. Behaviours and attitudes have to change or I will make a major life change that won’t benefit anyone but me. Period.  Sometimes I have a right to be angry. Sometimes forgiveness and a walking away in seek of peace isn’t enough. You’re never going to allow me to truly be at peace and move on. Because you wont let me forget or allow this pain in my chest to ever fucking fade. So instead to deal with it, I choose to be angry. It’s an anger I can control.  One of the few things in our lives I can. That’s your damage. The only thing controlled in our worlds is how angry I get and how much I keep it bottled instea...

Remember, you’re here forever.  I’ve already been in this place half my life. And those are the years I consider the better ones of my life. We are broken, bruised and fractured and ruined. Nothing ever went right for us, the world got in the way. But the moments we do have are beautiful, and they are ours, no matter what happens, no matter what has happened. They can never take our moments away. They are locked away, in my head, in my heart… He was planned.  I don’t know the next step. I know we will play this game forever. It was nice to start a new year without you in my life. I haven’t had that since 2003. I know that I will love you forever. And I also know that you will never let me go anyways even if it turns to anger and malice once again. I thought I could live with it just being peace. But I don’t do peace. I do mayhem.  I have earned a fucking right to be distant and left alone. You don’t want me unless there is a drama and strife in your life. So you can have ...

I am at peace and it’s going to take one hell of a person to change that. There’s only one person I want in my life but I am aware she prefers as villain and devil over her saviour. I’m good with that. If there has to be a bad guy in the story let it be me.  Doesn’t mean the emotions aren’t still there. Even the devil has loved ones.  It’s not there yet, but it’s close. But im still not letting my guard down as history has proven that it just takes one mood swing and everything changes.  There was a moment once I cared about doing the right thing and being a good person. But now if you’d asked me if I would choose to be the angel or the demon in the equation, I’d choose demon without hesitation. Demons are honest. They wont hide behind lies of a pretty face.   The biggest issue other than Trusting you is the fact I have to decide 25 years on if i want you in my life after all the damage has been done.  I wake up every day wanting you to be my wife, and I go to s...

Sometimes I am reminded that all we truly are is a simple set of goodbyes. I’m trying to be more but right now we are just in that place we always get to. The In between something and nothing. While I’m good either way, the heart wants more and will always long for it. That’s why I try. That’s why I’m trying now.  I don’t know where we stand. And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. For some reason you want to be in my life tho. I just cant stand you just being an accessory to it.  I can’t pretend to be something we are not. And you need to figure out what’s best for you, me in your life or not. It’s been a lifetime of bad decisions for both of us. I’m not sure I want to continue in that same path. It’s just all bad road. The key is getting away from it all I agree.  The only problem is that we are at a crossroads and i don’t think either of know the next step.  The only reality is that I want us both to be happy, and I think we are better off happier ...

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over.  All of our moments are over.  I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts.  I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

I don’t care. I don’t have time to care anymore. I have my reasons for doing shit and while they will continue I know exactly where you and I stand. I’m good with that. Id rather have an honest enemy than someone who faked affection for me when she needs something. I’m happy with my life and I’m under not pretensions that things will ever change anymore. There are better uses of my energy in this life than being angry.  I don’t need or want you in my life. It has been twenty years since you mattered. All you want is control and to have that so I don’t slip away.  That’s not how it works. I am free of all your bullshit and the longer it is the easier it is to walk away from everything I once was with you. We were a cup of coffee in a generation that didn’t make an sense. Why the hell do we still even continue to exist to each other. He’s grown. It’s time for me to walk away. These emotions hurt and as much as I bury them all it takes is one phone call or one text from you and t...

I don’t care if you answer or respond anymore. I can look myself in the mirror and my son in the eye and know that I tried. For twenty damn years I tried whatever you expected of me, I was here. The fact you don’t answer confirms everything now I need to know. And I can move on. I gave you everything I had in this life. And more. What the actual fuck have you ever wanted from me? At this point, I’m just doing what I’ve always done. Moving on. There is no more hope. There is no more days left. One maybe. Lets see how I feel in September. But I am done trying otherwise. I really hoped something would change in two decades but we have defined who we are for a generation. And there will be answers provided when the time comes. Till then, I’m back to waiting unless you change the game.