Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I want you and I love you, but at some fucking point it needs to have an ending and I need to step off this emotional rollercoaster. The subway stop it lands on or crashed into is all up to you at the moment however. But one day that may change. You know my preference for self destruction, it's almost as powerful as yours. Yet you are still standing here with and without me. That needs to change. You're reality is you hold the keys and the door to this. I have no fucking illusions that anything I do affects any of that except possibly your decisions. But I know that I control my own path and my own decisions. Always. I can't come over to you, you have to come over to me. You're just not ready yet.  I only move forward, I don't go back. I won't wait and I won't bother with anyone that doesn't want to 100% be in my fucking life, you, others... anyone. I feel bad for the argument we had on my birthday, but you just made things clearer in my mind when we ...

Don't think for one fucking moment I won't cut you out of my life in a fucking second if I feel like I'm being deceived. My trust level is low. And while you both have reasons to be in my life, only one I will allow to keep coming back. But my heart can grow cold and stay cold there too. Ten minutes, a day, a week, a year, ten years, twenty years, thirty years, it doesn't fucking matter. There is only one that I will allow to twist the knife and return and even at that I am losing fucking patience... I don't have the rest of my life to wait... and you're chaos doesn't get to affect my hard won peace, I have enough external battles to fight right now. I don't give a fucking damn who the hell you are. If you play games I will fucking ghost you like you don't exist if you give me a goddamn reason and I will never ever look back. I hate everyone and everything and when a little light comes into my light, the minute anyone plays games, I'm gone. I ...

The not knowing what the next move is, it bothers me. I'm trying to do the right thing but it's fucking sad life throws weird turns at me and I don't know in each moment what the right path is. I'm trying but I don't know where to go or what path to follow anymore. I thought I knew. Even after my life fell apart I thought I knew. Now I do not. There has to be something better than this. Maybe I should somehow make a big production and write that fucking letter.... Maybe I have a better idea and I should write you fucking off, like you have so many fucking times in my life. I am faced with indecision right now and my entire life is at a standstill, a few months ago I would have told you I was going somewhere, now, know the only thing I can tell you is that I don't give a fuck. Current Mood: IDGAF  Current Music: storm the sorrows, Epica

It works both ways. I forget people too. I don't look back because of the former status quo. All that leads back there is pain, save one instance.... And I will always be there for him. No matter what. But women, lost loves, my past? My future... None of that matters, I can always rewrite my destiny, I can always fucking move on. I can forget anyone if I tried hard enough. I leave pieces of myself everywhere, but the person I am in each moment isn't the same man as I once was. I change every time I move on. I get older. I get colder. I stop caring. And I will never look back. For anyone.  

Whatever the hell we are, it's honest, I'll Give you that. There's no true drama anymore. Except when you decide to create it. I can't tell when you're being honest with me or when you're being fake. You draw on all my fucking    emotions and expect me to be there to fucking    save you. I'm not that guy not anymore. You want to push me away forever. You're doing a great fucking job of. Any debts to you are done. We are paid in full. I'm not here to be yours anymore. Maybe one day we will fucking figure it out or maybe one day this downward spiral we both claim will fucking end. Till then I'm just fine chasing my own destiny and taking care of my responsibilities. You're choices are you're own. They are not mine but this constant betrayal is nothing new. It's a very old and constant friend. I'm used to it, I'm used to it from you. No illusions and no surprises there. I worked my ass off today with the intention of doing an ...

I am no longer torn, I know who my soulmate is, the decision isn't that, the decision is whether or not I want to choose to return to her and that life. I've never held any illusions about who I was supposed to be with even with the war and the hate, even all that some emotion and love remains after the flames in the embers, that should say something. No. It says everything. I just need to choose if I want it. I do know I want to have some Connection with them both in my life... I'm weighing all the options and trying to decide what the brightest path is instead of choosing the predictable and darkest path, because that's what I usually Do... But on this road to much precious blood has already been spilled, too much strife and pain... It's time to heal, it's time to figure out how to get there. That's all I want. That's all I need. That's all we need. It's ironic I spent a year with someone and it's not her I'm missing ...

I don't think I like this weird Cold War between us where it's off and on and there is no true resolution. I was happier when I considered you dead and gone. I was moving on with my life. Now as usual, I'm fucking standing still because you are still on the outskirts of my life and it's a sad fact I will have to accept that you always will be. I have an understanding now that you will never allow me to be anyone else and to be happy, because I'm always going to be you're final option and you're back up plan. That's fine. You're twenty-one years too fucking late however.