Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

this time last year, there was no court, no uphill battle... this time last year we were planning on going to camp, hanging out at the pool and the world was our oyster.... I wonder the type of person and the mentality that wants to destroy something like that, last year he didn't want for anything, we went to tigercat games, the wwe and he even got a wii for Christmas at his mothers that i paid for... the cold black soul of the one who is causing this pain is something that need to be exposed for who she really is, and as long as i keep looking at the positives and be on my feet ready to fight for what is right, and for him.. i can do no wrong no matter the level of pain she has caused probably not only to me but also to him, she will get her day in court and be exposed.. it's coming very soon.... those that bring darkness into other's lives themselves end up with more darkness reflected upon into them. Current Mood: Sad. Current Music: Wasted Time, Skid Row. It is better

I may not always like where things in my life are headed but at least right now I can see things a little bit clearer, and some answers were forthcoming today, even if i got the usual bullshit and nonsense trailing them, at least there's less of it, and i am starting to formulate and action plan to deal with some of the issues really bothering me... it's going to be easier once in court when i can positively show this an attack and a direct sabotage on my career and relationship with him, but i got a little victory today, and i plan to get it in writing eventually, like next week... it was also good to spend time with friends from Windsor... makes me think about how things could have turned out... not sure how much longer Hamilton will be an option as i am becoming tired of the stagnation here... maybe it's time for a change... i want to go back to Windsor but as long as he's the x factor that won't happen... my blood, my child comes first. Current Mood: Hopeful. Vi

I don't know what it is but i am starting to feel very old and disconnected with the world, every day once agian seems like I am disconnected from what's going on around me and instead of moving, i fall into familiar habits and time is standing still, i guess having a rumble in my stomach of anger is a good thing but to constantly have the fire stoked by outside sources bother's me.. i should have the fire in my belly and i never should have let myself become complacent but i shouldn't have these terrible things I'm currently experiencing be the catalyst for the strength to make change.. I never thought it would be this easy to let myself be destroyed either, but it's done.. and even tho the wheels of time slowly turn for me, waiting, waiting, waiting on other people to rightly or wrongly do their fucking jobs.... it's time for action, it's time for a return of the person i used to be... I don't back down from anyone, least of all her. at the end of

It's about time things started moving in a forward direction as I have been sitting around and brooding about the things that affect me and anger me for far too long, yes, in my life i have made mistakes but it shouldn't be the mistakes of my past that damn me, i will stand and fight not only for my son, but for my career, i cannot let this woman take everything i have worked towards for the last fifteen years and have her destroy it out of jealousy or a need for control, and that's exactly what it is.. she wants me to be a non event in her life and in his, and that little boy is my flesh and blood and as long as I draw breath i will never not be a part of his life, it's time for some of the scales of justice to balance instead of me sacrificing everything because you made an accusation, that isn't true. Current Mood: Determined. Sometimes the lies you tell are less frightening than the loneliness you might feel if you stopped telling them.

Can a soul suffer from exhaustion? or is it just the fire and the bright light of said soul descending into blackness? you know what made my night last night? having my landlord sit there and tell me that i am a good father and that this will pass, that meant a lot... what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger....I wish i could still believe that. all these people telling me what a good person I am yet it only takes one other person believing otherwise due to someone Else's lies to destroy me... because the truth is never as strong as a lie.. the only difference is the lie will one day be exposed.... maybe if i rattle a few chains in front of a judge that day will be sooner than later, after all it's not like i have a fucking exact date for your brother, his uncle doing a line a cocaine right in front of my as my little boy slept a few feet away, and the fact you are a fucking regular at mikado's can't help either....go ahead, require a piss test from me as well..

The only reason I am still breathing and not dead by my own hand right now is my firm conviction that i would never do anything to harm a child, specifically the child that matters the most in my life and if anyone was to harm him they would end up being the one not breathing, this weekend was extremely tough and my firm grip on my sanity seems almost trying at times, it's likes what's left.. she's used all of the skeletons in my closet to destroy me, my relationship with my son and my career... she knows what's important to me in this life and she's managed to destroy all of it with one vile action, I wonder what i ever did to make you hate me this way? to put ideas in that little boys head....I am disgusted by the thought and even worse I realize it is just another one of your chess moves and both me and him are merely pawns in your little game.... have i considered fucking off to Windsor and being a deadbeat dad? yes, I am almost convinced that if I gave you tota

I shouldn't be fucking sitting here hurting as much as I am, my heart and soul lay exposed and destroyed and everything that was fucking good about me is slowly dying, It won't die alone, when I am succumbing to the more evil parts of my nature, the anger and the voilence I will fucking channel them into a white hot laser of pain, if you are going to cause this kind of pain to me, I will do the same to you, and i promise you it will never ever fucking stop....I will destroy your life as you have destroyed mine... It fucking hurts so bad to even think about him and not have him hear with me, all because of your lies.. and the fact that you have coached him to say something that never happened, with or without him at my side He is my entire life and the only thing that matters.. that won't ever change... not because of your jealousy, your need for control or your lies.. I'm his father I am never going anywhere, no matter the cost and no matter how much it fucking hurts.

... and at least I am sleeping nights again do to heat exhaustion and stress, the body does not want to do anything at this point..my mind is telling me what the fuck is the point of living, I didn't do anything but without conviction I am treated like a criminal and i have everything meaningful in this life torn away from me, this is a result of a selfish person's bullshit self lawyering because she is too fucking cheap to afford a lawyer, that's ok.. I have one.. and please come to court unarmed agian, I'm not about to hold anything back this time, both of us have skeletons in our closets and as much as you have used mine against me to destroy me, I'm going to do the same to strip you bare... the fact that you are using our one and only child as a tool of destruction like this is incomprehensible and it shows the true personality behind your eyes, you are a soulless person and i cannot believe there was ever a time i actually felt any emotion towards you other tha

Why would I be expected to show remorse for my actions when one is maintaining that this is an attack and that i am innocent? that child is my entire fucking life, why would i ever fucking harm him? i refuse to plead anything but innocent and this is never going to be fucking over as long as I draw breath, she'll have to kill me first. the hypocrisy is ridiculous but if anything every action, every move, all my education, all my experience in this life has prepared me for this unfortunate lie... I have the tools to fight long and hard... and i plan on using them, i know how to match move for move both my ex wife and the Child thieves who merely assisted in destroying me according to my ex's devious plans... I Have nothing to feel remorseful about and I refuse to even consider the ridiculous notion. I shouldn't be sitting around brooding on this shit, but of course being the introspective person i am i analyze every fucking chess move until checkmate, right now it's just

I can't tell you how much I hate you right now, Is it equal to the amount that you hate me? probably not, I'm not here to argue which one of us is the more soulless, I already know that you are the one that is the soulless Cunt. the more information i uncover the more i find this is just an attempt to destroy everything that I am.. as i said yesterday this is only a small victory and the only way you win is if i surrender and give you ultimate victory, newsflash bitch.. that will never fucking happen, I'm not going to burden that child with the fact his father was a suicide... you know me heart and soul you should no that not only am i not capable of this you should also know that as long as i draw breath i will not surrender and I will not back down...Never compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon... and your small victory is no way close to being anywhere near Armageddon. I can understand that you may think that this is the end of the road but please I'm beggin

There are easier ways to destroy a man than to destroy him through the system by using lies and manipulation, i hope that you are fucking happy with yourself, you've set off a nuclear weapon to my fucking career, and as close as we once were you know how much it meant to me, but of course that was the goal all along to destroy me, not only have you always wanted to take away from me my heart.. now you have taken my soul as well.. but that's all according to plan.. when you wound you aim to kill and are only satisfied with a deep wound, take everything, i am merely a horcrux the part of your soul that resides within me has rotted, and everything that was good about me you aim to take away, Do i matter enough to you that you would seek to break me down and destroy me by using him as your fucking proxy, coaching him that way you have? The most evil person i have met is you, i should have left you to rot on that street corner... I may be the devil incarnate in your eyes, but I did

Tomorrow is going to be a game changer, and things better start changing as things have gone on for far too long and it's getting time for me to retake some control from these people and my ex. I am not gonna be dictated to and have my relationship with my child destroyed and have my career torn to shreds.. Tomorrow i get some action happening and people need to get off their high and mighty horses and come back down to the ground.. I am sick of the sleepless nights and the fact that i literally just forced myself to starve for a month because everything I hold dear was taken away from me in a millisecond.. no warning... It's time for me to go back to normal.. if that means i have to stand up and fight.. I'll stand up and fight....answers are required and more than that, theirs only one persons interests at stake here...and unlike the people that are looking out for hers and only hers... It's not mine or hers...it never has been about either of us, she doesn't feel

You've actually done me a favor with this personal attack on me, instead of me being angry at you I'm angry at the system again, you've ignited fires that never should have gone out, Without your influence and trying to change myself so that you would fucking accept me as your equal which was never going to happen anyways, I'm just a possession just like you consider him.. but anyways, i have to thank you because now I know exactly who I am and that's not you, no, nothing like you, I won't accept the world as as it is... changes have to be made, no matter the personal cost and if things need to be torn down to get people to see the truth then that's what I'll have to do... This has always been a battleground for me, and i got distracted from that by you for a long time, I allowed you to change me and erase all vestiges of who i used to be....but now that person has returned angrily, with a vengeance and with an even bigger chip on my shoulder...Having be

Things just continue to fall into place in the wrong direction for me, Nothing like a half hour interrogation first thing this morning about my employment and current situation by the government because of the way my employment record was written... I swear it would have been easier if the assholes had just fired me. Right now I need a source of fucking Income and seeing how I can't do my job in my chosen field that leaves me with only a few options, I swear when this is all said and done I am going to make sure one way or another i have a fucking safety net under me, whether that be Disabilty or moving back to windsor, I haven't decided.. but the gears are turning in my head, it would be very easy at the current Moment to abandon everything and go back to hanging out with my freinds on partington, and forget central ontario and all it's wonderful issues... the only problem being living on partington will be a constant fucking reminder of where he was conceived... and that

There is considerable irony in the fact that even tho it is very clear to all party's involved that their are some mental health issues involved that He's safe at home in the authorities opinion... you really got to give your fucking head a shake at that..one this is a fucking false allegation with made up fantasy stories and elements but that's not important because the safety and concerns of the child comes first... i can understand and respect that, but have any professionals really talked to her about her delusions? wait until something happens there and the assholes in charge have egg on their face.. I'm almost convinced at this point that there has been abuse.. but it wasn't by me. she's batshit fucking crazy and i should have made it an issue the first time around as an issue re: custody but of course i didn't and now her insanity is destroying my life, of course it's not just my life she's destroying, I know I play a few cards short of the de

This is only the beginning of a war that i will likely be fighting a losing and an uphill battle and i will probably end up with losing a lot more than i want to, then again, I'm not afraid of losing a little skin or blood and/or suffering.. she's already taken my job and my son away, she's already won, when a man has nothing left to lose what's left to take away, I'm not the one destroying everything here, I'm just trying to defend myself and deal with this situation of course it's time for me to make some fucking moves before i lose my fucking sanity and things go off the track for good, it shouldn't take this long and maybe if i start making moves it will not take so long for these so called professionals and their authority to stall as they have been doing, I don't think they like the magic word Lawyer and being pulled into court will make them like me even less but it may get things moving, this is a long battle and only phase one of the war...

Sometimes you just need a sounding board that knows you and knows the system and your issues with it to be the voice of reason, even when angry having someone who is trusted and can take a step back and analyze the situation without the emotions and offer you an alternate perspective on things is helpful, yes This will be a long battle but sometimes it's better to make plans and be patient than to go all out with a frontal assault, I have a few ace cards in my deck, i don't think that sometimes people understand that... just because i am a private person and i don't handle my relationships with people well doesn't mean I don't have an inner circle that i trust with my life and that I can always call upon in times of need, the sad fact being their are way too many times in this life i have to depend on them, but knowing they are there is always times i can call on them is a relief to the horrible burdens in my life. Current Mood: Determined. There is no glory in bat

Finally some good news comes in the way of some paperwork and I can begin dealing with the family law aspects of this fucking nonsense instead of sitting at home brooding, stewing and feeling sorry for myself, There's only one person causing all this pain and she knows exactly who she is, as soon as i get this in front of a lawyer and in front of a judge her little house of cards is going to collapse and she is going to be shown for the bullshit liar she is.. It's time for me to go back to having a normal life and having a good summer, you can't destroy me, you can try but every time you try and break me down, i might fall but then i get the fuck back up, stronger than before, less trusting, more aware, i know how evil you can be, why should I expect anything less? Current Mood: Determined. War is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory. How can she be truthful when everything she is, is a lie?

There is a Time for patience and There is a Time for patience to end. After one of the most depressing weekends i have had in a while in which i actually considered doing something drastic to myself because i was so fucking sad and sick of staring down this never ending black hole, I have decided it's fucking time for me to start fighting back hard...I shouldn't be depressed and hurting I should be channeling this into full frontal rage and I think this week 'm going to, I have certain legal rights that only fucking fear has kept me from enforcing and this week that's going to change... I'm sick of being intimidated. It's time for me to go back to being the intimidating one. There's nothing left for me to do other than rage so i might as well let the anger out and focus it in the direction it needs to go in. there's only one thing at stake, and only one thing that maters. it's time for her to stop hiding behind the system and for me to put that same

Tired of having patience for these motherfuckers, there is nothing there and it's fucking time for me to start pushing back... I'm sick of her and her nonsense to attempt to destroy my life..I need to go back to work and I need to have him here right beside me, This fucking shit is simply turning every anger button on and i brood and seethe and wait... Sitting around all week waiting for a fucking phone call that isn't coming, go figure, this is how you battle the system filled with lies and ignorance, because that's the game they are playing with you... Being patient and truthful get's you nowhere except deeper within yourself in your own personal hell, anger builds and feeds, I Almost want to go down there and kick a fucking door in... but no matter how dark the places i go become and how angry I get, or how much i fucking end up suffering, I'm better than that... I'm better than her. Current Mood: Anger. Current Music: Eminem - Space Bound Men are at wa

Hitting brick walls and unresponsive phone calls should not be my fate... I've done nothing wrong and the raving lunatic rantings of a mad woman full of jealousy that i can get by with my life without her is all this shit is based on, of course it certainly seems enough to destroy me as well, forget about the fact that it's been a decade since this nonsense started...I feel like a soldier in a war zone, during a time of calm, knowing that at any minute the bullets will start flying again, and i have already suffered too many losses because of this nonsense, it's one thing when i don't give a damn about my job, but there have always been reasons for that, this employer didn't have me going into work for 2 1/2 years out of any sense of loyalty it was simply because it was convenient and close and a paycheck, when push came to shove they didn't have any loyalty to me, nor should I have any towards them, when the lawyer finally get's involved I'm going to ma

There's no time left for brooding, the time for action is upon me, when phone calls are being ignored from other people who should have dealt with their responsibilities and keep passing the buck and alienating me further from the system of law and the fact that I have a high ethical responsibility to the truth and it seems to some of these people I am just an afterthought because it's not their jobs that are affected, it's not their child that's missing his daddy, it's not important, I'm just another minimum wage slave, pawn of the totalitarian system, now displaced among the ruins, they aren't the ones with killer insomnia not being able to close their eyes because when i do all i see is him, happier times...Once again I am being drawn to a dark fucking place where all there is, Anger, depression and despair... I have to channel it and use it to prepare for the upcoming battle, this time it won't be a state of detente, this time it's going to be a