Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Are you seriously fucking kidding me? you want to move to vancouver or victoria with my son and have yours truly tag along because You're fed up with your crappy life here, I hate my life and my job but I'm strong and stubborn to enough to wait for things to get better, you agian acting like a spoiled child, you're probaly single agian and feeling old and realizing there are only two people in this world that will ever love you unconditionally regradless of your bullshit, ones a product of whatever we had and the other is his father. i think you're feeling me out to see if i'm willing to party like it's 2001 agian, here's the thing, I don't know If i love you in a way to sacrfifice everything I am agian, and there's not really any reason for me to change my life, things worked out alright in the end for me and i have some measure of peace here, of course I'd be happier in Windsor but it's because of the two of you but mostly Him i returned to...

No more drinking with asshole freinds who owe me money and get stupid when loaded and want to fight everyone and everything, I need to find better coping mechanisms than staring down a bottle every time i have a night off and No little man, at least if i'm going to enjoy myself maybe i should go to a bar where no one knows me and I can relax with my thoughts rather than dealing with assholes who call themselves freinds but are really only there to take advantage of hospitality, No longer do i want to use my hard earned money to entertian these people who would never be there for me if I needed them Current Mood: Distant. Being drunk is a good disguise. I drink so I can talk to assholes. This includes me.

When one looks back at the fact that he has spent way to much of his life insituionlized and now works for the same organization in a matter that makes it more his home and life than his actual life it's strange and yet not the easiest to understand why one would have the same feeling he had at 15 about wanting Out, Only diffrence is I am the master and commander and controller of my destiny and I am sick of being told what to do, yes I want to make change, Yes I'm not going anywhere in a hurry in terms of the job but there are many many things with my organziation and with the world in general and I should really focus my efforts so that I can deal with these things and not be so deperessed, it's not me that's affecting thse kids and their complete life in total that is anarchy i'm just there as the goddamn gatekeeper it's not like I'm going affect there lives in any way... when it becomes my time to move on I will. I am very sad to have seen this just beco...

it's one of those days where I really miss something in my life i am not ready to return to but it's one of those things where I should think about putting pen to paper and laying myself bare, of course instead i'll probaly go indulge in my alcoholism instead and try and erase a memory that never should have been there, I wasn't meant to be there and If i was she was too fucked up for me to understand.. i am a replacement for something else I don't know how to feel, It's seems like my only lasting success in this world is my son and that's a product of both of us. Current Mood: Nostalgic, But i shouldn't be. What we have once enjoyed we can never lose; All that we love deeply, becomes a part of us.

Sometimes I truly despise myself for having learning disabilities and Having a stubborn will, this paper is affecting me with my sleep patterns and how I feel after coming home from work, I'm trying to better myself but Keep getting frustrated over the fact that I don't understand the simplest concepts of theatre, I should have taken something I understood rather than try and fail something i still can't grasp the concept of, It's really frustrating when I know I can do this but I can't unlock the secret in my mind of how exactly to do so. Current Mood: Frustrated. Learning disabilities cannot be cured, but they can be treated successfully and children with LD can go on to live happy, successful lives.

This course is kicking my ass and I'm trying to understand the concepts involved. An actor is something I'll never be, at least maybe tommorow I can take the time and figure out exactly where I'm going with this paper and possibly be able to turn this big ball of fuzz in my head into something productive but working on it tonight is just a waste, I don't have the energy I once did for assignments with everything else going on in my life, I wish things and times were simpler and I could spend an entire night on the net focusing on this but i don't have that kind of time anymore. at least I can spend tonight studying the notes at work. Current Mood: Frustrated, Determined. The same people who never did their homework in high school are still doing that to this very day out in the real world.

I am at a real crossroads at the job and my status as the full time night guy, It is getting clear to me that I am only on the night shift so that someone relibale and long term is on that shift, because let's face it, I'm not going anywhere in a fucking hurry.. It's pretty evident i am carrying the buttload of the workload when certian people are letting the kids do things that are obvuisly counter productive to behavior, I.E. restricted movies to children with fragile Pyches, and then blaming the staff that called them on it when one of the kids has a breakdown over watching the movie, other little things re bothering me there too... it's pretty sad that the Boss is on vacation and the supervisior is leaving which leaves me as the defacto go to guy, and I don't even give a shit...decisions are being made with no accountabilty because I'll come in on the night shift and clean everything up for the next morning. I don't feel supported at the job at all and ...