Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

The act of walking away from you isn't what hurt the most. But the fact that I gave you everything...and how you slowly...and carelessly..destroyed it. It's been eleven years since you decided to end our relationship and for most of that time we have been at fucking war, why is it so fucking important to you to destroy any relationship I'm ever going to have with my son, even if you have to destroy everything I am to do it, you should fucking know better, I don't back down and anything you destroy I can, will and have rebuilt. We are heading toward the fucking end and things will change and affect all of our fucking lives forever. I can move forward and no that there is at least one thing I can say and that is there is no fucking fear of you or any eventual outcome, you can't bring me down anymore, and I'm ready for everything you have to throw at me. It's time for this to end, even if it ends both of us. I'm Down for one last battle, are you? I have r...

There’s something inherently majestic about Christmas that seems to have been abandoned by us; something flippantly cast aside, something that was foolishly abandoned and was tragically forgotten in the abandonment. I have taken a step back this last year, that much is clear, It's probably time to reevaluate some of my decisions and deal with some of the frustrations I am having in my life and start to deal with them instead of fucking ignoring them and pretending that I am happy and everything is ok, It's not about money but it starting to seriously become about it and I'm doubting myself and some of my decisions and actions in the past year. in two months everything will come to a head and people will be proving their worth or lack thereof. I am very unsure of the next step but I do know that I'm not impressed currently by certain things and certain circumstances. It was a lot easier when it was only me, answering to Only me, I am seriously thinking it might be time...

The evil we create during the wars to save us, it can also end us when the war is over. I find it interesting the reality of the game is that It's going end pretty much the same way that it began, almost down to same few sales i first got us in 2013, it's been a tumultuous 3 years and It's been there to help me fight my battles and distract my mind from everyday reality, It's not always been good but I can look back without any regrets or any real anger and be done with it, and Facing facts, it's going to be a new year soon and I'm Done with it, The future of that is not in question, i need to go back to the person I really am. This was wish fulfillment of a dream i had since i was a child but it was never intended to be any type of an adult goal nor should It have been. I can't ever say I cared for the politics or the dishonesty of a few but then again my ultimate goals had nothing to do with collecting any of this plastic crap and to that effect it did ...

Monsters can live inside a person. Sometimes, they know about it. More often, they don’t. The monster makes them feel safe, or at the very least, better. As long as you know it’s there, you can co-exist with it. Give it what it wants, and it will return the favor. Other times, the monster takes over. Bares its teeth. It's time for some tactical fucking decisions and there are options if fucking needed, I just can't keep staring down a black corridor and watching everything I've ever stood for or worked fall apart, I honestly keep wondering where I made the wrong turn, I'm sick of fighting and it was much easier when the battle was mine alone, there's a question now of who realistically will still be standing beside me when the war is over and I am standing in the fucking ashes of the battlefield. It's never been about me but now that I have added to the equation and let people in and changed my life, I'm not sure anymore that was a positive event, too man...

The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts. There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. I don't know if i can handle another year like this, all i keep thinking about is how many Christmases have been taken away and all the things that could have been shared, I dread this holiday even more than i used to, before It has stupid foolish reasons like wanting to be alone or wanting to work thru the holiday, now all i want is the simple privilege and pleasure of watching my boy open his Christmas presents and hearing his voice and seeing him smile........ But I am being Denied that. This is a season of giving and not darkness and melancholy, but I am sitting around not feeling a damn thing, trying my fucking level best to put on a smile and be there for loved ones... but i h...

Always winter but never Christmas. I don't give a shit about this holiday, I never have, I always have made a fucking effort around me for those that it's important to but it's not something I give a damn about, I just don't have the patience to fucking pretend that I care anymore, the one thing that would and does matter to me as far as this holiday goes isn't here so why the fuck should I bother with going thru the motions about this fucking holiday nonsense and bullshit, I swear sometimes I'd rather be my dark and angry places, in solitude, alone. Things would be simpler, things would be easier. That's the way it used to fucking be and I was happy with that, that's how I fought my battles, that's how I dealt with the fact of every other Christmas you fucking took away, it's no different this year, I'm still missing him, more than you will ever know. And I fucking hate you for it, I always will. I'm both happy and miserable this ho...

Christmas is such a time of struggle anyway, crammed with busy and hurry and the expectation that you will be joyful, no matter what. Then, if you’re like me, when you just sit quietly, just be, and let yourself feel what you feel, the guilt creeps in. Because you’re alive and the world is big, and you should be feeling some freakin’ Christmas spirit.. I wonder why I cling to my Windsorite roots so much, there is a reason, almost ten years removed it's still the only place I've truly known peace and any real presence of self, I defined myself, by myself up there. Everywhere else has never been my decision. I'm frustrated here, I'm frustrated by the fact that all I do here is wander thru shadows and remember who I used to be, and what I've become, I made a choice, regardless of anything, the war, family, loved ones, I came back for a reason, and that reason will never ring hollow, I just wish that there was more to define me in the last ten years, this journeyman s...