Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

We are nowhere. This is the usual place. 26 of my fifty fucking years and we are nowhere. This is a sign. You and i can do this forever or I can move on. Like I have before. The problem is I need to start sticking to it rather than being a disposable option in both of your lives. You control that not me. My life doesnt change being with you. I'd simply move sideways and lose some of the things that make me whole on my own. I don't need a partner for validation. I never have. Thats not why I've been trying these years. Thats never going to be part of my make up. I don't know the next step. But I know despite my feelings and everything I want in my life, two toxic people always fighting are a bad situtation living together for ny child. We always seem to be more civil when there is space. Sadly emotions dominate that and we always end up at odds. Maybe its time for me to take a step back and just wait on you to be whatever. Maybe I can just live the rest of my life doing...

I made a decision and a choice and im sticking to it. You in some shape or fashion have dominated my entire adult life. I am done. There are other options out there. Why am I waiting for soneone who has never and will never truly choose me agian. That moment was over a decade ago. Our moments have been done for over twenty five fucking years. I regret nothing and our time together was a brilliant moment that gave us a glorious son, but hes grown. He's a man now.  I need to choose the next step. I need to move on with my life instead of having the albatross of my past constantly chasing me for false future framing, promises that never come true, and being used when the fractured fucking fallacy of your reality comes crashing in. I have survived nightmares that would have destroyed another man, hulk strongest there is. Sadly one of those nightmares I have had to endure is with you, and I will always be here for you as a result. But I need my own life. And my own choices back. Its tim...

  There was no blog yesterday for a reason. I was very aware of the day it was. No question. But 26 years has absolutely no meaning to you why the fuck should it have any to me? Our moments are just the same old bullshit pawns in our never ending game. Theres a good chance I stop playing soon. I'm fairly certain I know the cost and that it will count as a betrayal but at this point I need to do for me not wait for something to happen. To have a tiny silver of a door open.... Don't you know me? Don't you understand me? I'm the one who kicks fucking doors open. Fifty years old. I'm done waiting. I'll go on as I always have. Doing my own thing. Doing what I want with my own choices. I know where I stand and why I walked away the last time. Pretty sure this time I'm doing it for me. And only me.

You're life is not mine. I have my own. We may share precious blood but you pushed me away long ago. I am not beholden to be keeping a hand in any longer than I choose and I am becoming disinterested in the constant battle to have the scraps at your dinner table. I have walked away before to protect you. I will walk away and let you think I'm the fucking villian as usual. My son knows better. I have very much tried to show him that this past year. If I need to protect your, mine and his mental health and be away from the choas of your family I will walk away. I have nothing and in that is the ultimate freedom. I can walk away. Nothing ties me here except you and Him. But I am not you, the constant battle of your life is not mine. It took me a long time to make peace with the man I and the man I am not. One of us is at peace and one of us is at misery. Amazing how karma changes things. Welcome to my latter half of the past 2 decades. You still blame me for pulling you down to pr...

  Im not begging anyone to be in my life, freinds or family. I'll just keep going on and being me and moving. thats where I am in this life. I'm in the middle part of my own choose your own adventure book. This is the lane I have chosen ill stay in it. All I am is someone who survived despite the choas and toxicity.  I was a better person then, but im a harder person now. I can weather you and protect my family regardless of where I stand. I ain't no twenty year old kid anymore  and there still is a blood fued. I'm sick of being a good person and trying to do the right thing. You and I both know that is far from my natural state and it is not the way of things. Im better when im something to fear. I play the villian well. I play the enemy even better. Why was it always better when we were at a fucking crossroads instead of all this nonsense and a little bit of sunshine and hope. But I am not your enemy, look within yourself, look in your soul. You know who really is. It...

I am a relic from a world that has moved on without me. As each day draws closer to fifty I feel it. I have nothing. An endless legacy of stories and things I've done. But nothing of true value or substance. Save one. My son. At the end if the day, if that's all I was.. if thats all I am. It was worth it.  I dont see as many days ahead as I saw behind and that indicates a lot for me. Im not sure who I want to draw into my orbit anymore. I just want those that are there to stay in it. Ive lost enough people in my life.  I'm already at peace with where I end up. At least there will be answers.  I don't care if I'm liked. I enjoy being hated, intimidating and feared. At least them when i deal with people's interactions they are honest. Id rather be a dark demon than an angel any day.

Its time for me to remeber who I am. I am not someone to be fucking loved, I am someone to be feared. I have tried for far to fucking long to try to be the good person everyone has always told me that I'm not.... so why not embrace all the negative qualities? I might have a better life if I was selfish and walked all over people with no regard for their emotions. Girls dig the assholes that treat them like shit anyways. Why try to be the hero, everyone already thinks I'm DOCTOR FUCKING DOOM anyways.  I can't give you any quarter because backing down is not in either of our nature's, and being at war and the enemy of each other is the natural state. That way you dont have to deal with pain. Its understood. Its why historically I have allowed you to paint my back as your favorite fucking target. I can handle it. Hulk strongest there is. Every knife you've ever had has already been slipped between my ribs. Theres not much vertebrae left. I am angry. That's all i ...

  Happy Birthday.  I love you and I will always be here for you. No more fighting today. I just want you to have a happy day and enjoy your day. Ill be here when needed.  But I am not needed today. Take a break from everyone in your life and let the voices from all of us go silent. Just enjoy your day. I'll be here eventually to pick up the pieces but my angry opinion is not needed on your day. I want you to just have a happy one without me.  Just enjoy your day and be happy. Thats all I've ever wanted for you. Happy Birthday.

I don't make life changes or choices rashly, not anymore. But there has to be an end to misery sometime, maybe we made a long term somewhere. Maybe we need to correct that. I'm just sick of you being sad. There is too much in your and his life that I have been sheltered from, but there are things that wouldn't have happened on my watch as well. That was denied me. I'm starting to understand some of the deeper reasons why. I don't have the answers. But I am starting to understand some of the fucking questions and why external factors that created our end. The issue was never me. It still isn't me. I'm just wandering thru life trying to do the right thing. For me that includes my little family.  I don't know where we stand. There are illusions that don't make sense. All I know is I'm trying to do the right thing. Even if it leads to failure, im prepared for that. Second chances don't come around all that often. I suggest you take ...

  When other names that should be long buried keep creeping into our current rather than being part of our history its time to move on. These things should be history. We need to move on. We have been stuck in the same places for far far too fucking long. It has been a long time since I have gone from crisis to crisis. My life is at peace because I stopped chasing things. There is a reason for that. Our lives are complicated. We are complicated, but I never had any concerns that external forces would attempt to destroy us. I wish I had seen all that coming. None of it has ever made any sense. Once upon a time we were pure. You and me agianst the world. Now it kind of has to be, you and me and him agianst the world.  I'm sick of fighting. I just want the three of us to have some sort of peace. Together or not. Minus my loved ones I am sick of a city and region that I am only a constant visitor in. Why the hell my name, and its not even my name is still spoken when I left the ci...

I wonder sometimes if you chose me because you knew, deep inside, that i was the strongest one out there and I could endure the fucking storm that both of our lives... look at what the chaos that is us created. Hes perfect.  I will always be the protector when I need to be. Hulk strongest there is. Hulk strongest avenger. I know where I stand in the world and this universe. But I dont fear anyone and anything. I never have... the onky nightmares in my life anymore are when I close my eyes.. I'm at peace, but I still have that side when its needed. He can come out to play without a question when I want him too. Hes hidden deep but my demon only sleeps. And me and my demon get along buietifully. We have an arrangement. But you don't want me to let him out to feed.  There is a darkness that my strength cones from, I'm very aware of that. Ive lived with that since before I can remeber. The fucking thing he should not and should never have had to. That's on me. I wasnt th...

I am trying to be patient. I owe her that. There is only so much more time in our lives and she needs to heal to be in the place I am in or my family doesnt heal completely. I faced part of the problem and part of it is within myself. But I know I need to be patient and wait because if we rush into things it will onky do more damage than good. There is a lot to think about and figure out. Not all of it on my side. Some hard changes and decisions need to come. This is no longer a pipe dream. I just need to wait a moment. All I know is no matter the outcome, I'm good with being civil and having them in my life. Thzts the best feeling ever. If it leads to more sure, if its a new status quo. Im good with that too. He's in my life. Thats what matters most.

  I was born of fire. I started in hell in terms of my upbringing. You think you know battle? My whole life has been war. Why do you think I make such an good soldier. I am a warrior.   The problem is now I am a warrior at peace when I need to remind myself thats not always what's needed and buried anger might not be the way to function.  There are reasons to act that way. But there are moments that side needs to shine thru more. Even if it just to legitimize the threat. I don't live in the in-between. I face all of my responsibilities daily. My life has never been easy but I have always dealt with them, ready to face battle.   I want to be gentle, I want to be at peace, but I know at my core the demon is underneath. As long as he only comes out as a protective entity for those I love, me and him have an arrangement. But I dont live in dreams, I live in this world. And for all of us this world is a fucking nightmare. I've earned my place at her table. Ove...

Victory or failure. This is where it ends for me. Either i get my family back or I walk away with my hand still in. These all options im prepared to accept at the end of this moment. If the door is open, I will honor her memory, I will honor them, the way I always should have. She's not wrong, in every moment I should have fought harder. I'm fighting now. And I am never giving up. I'm not a good person, but im trying to be and I know im antisocial and I don't play well with others. I know exactly how bad company i can be when im sitting at a bar with someone that wouldn't eat at my table. I tried to forgive I truly did. The best I can offer is to be fucking civil and help. I owe her that. She was good to me.   But respect goes a long way and I know when its not there. And I dont even care if you love me, hate me, or tolerate me, you will fucking respect me. When you don't, you dont exist. And you dont respect the ones I care the most about including most innoc...

I hate that you hurt and all I can do to help you with that pain is just be here at your side when its wanted. I cant fix you easily but im trying. I am here. I will always be here. Thats not ever in question. That was proven today. Moment's notice. I'm sad,  I was there tonight. But you needed me to be. So did he. Wherever we go from here. Yoire aware of where i stand. You hurt, I'm where I said id be, right beside you. Always. I wish I could take all your pain away and absorb it into myself, and heal you. I'm trying.

We live in moments. I'm good with that, thats always been our pattern and our history. It may change and end up going back to a 2 decade old status quo, it may not.  We were diffeent people then, more innocent. Either way im happy with just having the little bit of daylight and the healing that comes along with it.  I know how i feel and that it never goes away. Its registering. We don't need to be together to be a family, but it feels a lot nicer when we are. And thats a forthcoming decision sooner than later. Doing something new that was inherently familar meant a lot. All that matters is that the two of you are safe in my arms and I can be the big goon that keeps the world away if needed. It is the way it should be.  We are healing. Whatever that means. My family is still healing. I will always be here. That part i know exactly where I stand. I will always be here with them, even aginast the world when and if needed. I should have shown that more a long time ago.

Wanting me to stay but telling me to push away all my freinds. That will fucking happen. over your petty jealousy.these are the people that kept me alive when my whole world fell apart. I may love you But this particular condition is a bridge too far. I will always choose those that were loyal to me.   You fucked off for your own personal reasons and left me in the wilderness for two fucking decades. Just because outside reasons had me fucking forgive you, doesnt mean I have forgotten the scar you placed upon all our lives.. You dont deserve the right to choose my freinds I get to care for... and I would never sacrifice them just to be with you. I feel things deeply, but this time all I feel is the darkest taint of the usual betrayal. You dont get to dictate terms, neither of us won. Both of us lost the war. This is simply the aftermath, its barely even detente. We just stumble on to oblivion.  I'm done fighting your battles and being miserable myself because of it. I cant si...

You think I want to escape from this? There is no escape from this! At the end of the day i know exactly where I stand, and i will always be here. But the moment is slowly ticking away to where it will be anything more than old emotions and affection. I know my net worth and who the fuck I am, there will be a change when the clock ticks fifty. I will always be there and care cuz of responsibilities. You will always be my family, the only one I will ever have. Thats a fact. But I cannot sit there and play these games constantly over the sands of time and all these years. You know what the fuck I want, all I have ever wanted, but if can't have it I will move on. Endgame as always. Everything or nothing. The rules are well defined. Nothing has ever changed. Its understood. The differnce is this time ive decided that there is a line in the sand and a fucking moment that everything will fucking end. Find yourself right with your illusions and jealousy or lose that part of me forever....

Our lives are in moments and memories, thats all thats left to us. Choices were made moments were lost. I want whatever of them remains, every damn one of them shouldn't be a battle based on your choices in life. You pushed me away 20 plus years ago. Theres no reason for me to have any guilt all I have ever tried is regain a few of those fucking moments that were lost to us. All I have ever tried to do is be there for you. Not everything in fucking life needs to be an uphill battle. I am at peace in my life except for the turmoil that is yours. I try to be your peace but you made me the enemy. You made me a weapon to blame. So to preserve your fucking peace that you have very little of. Ill allow you to make me the bad guy. Id rather be the bad guy and the fucking villian. At least our backstory is fucking interesting and people fear and respect me. How the fuck you expect me to process shit that your own decisions have caused while I need to constantly be strong for you, is beyo...

I know who I am. I know who i use my dark side to truly protect. I've made peace with the fact im never going to be an angel, I know im damned. But that doesnt mean I can do some good things while i'm here and protect those that I love. Without question. That will never change. I am here, I will always be here.