Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  You are loved. So is he. Tonight was fun. It felt like I was Home agian. You are the only home I have left. She was remembered. She was loved too. I cant think of a better way to honor her than to have our little family together for a moment. Thats all we need. Healing will come. 

It will never be this easy or this simple. I am a fool to belive that it ever could be. I am simply the constant and the albatross we all must carry remains. I revel in being the shadow threat because I know what there is to protect and those things and people that should be forgot, but there is someone of value that shall never be forgot. I need to honor that. I need to honor a promise to her. I need to stand atop this hill and pretend like all is status quo, forever waiting for a moment that may never come. I can fucking deal with the end that never comes, because its mot my end and as long as the two of us exist in this never ending downward spiral, it will not end. It fucking sucks that I have to be the silent threat that brings the two people in this world comfort. I have always know that i am the weapon and rock fucking wall when and if I am needed. A Silent Partner, sadly I feel like one day all that will be left is for me to be the avenger, on that day my soul will truly die a...

I choose to be happy, I choose to have whoever is in my life sharing my adventures. Hopefully that part continues and I can share the people i care about most in this life, family and freinds all in further adventures together. I'm trying. Thats all I can do. I play by my own rules and I don't answer to anyone but myself. I'm loved and respected for the same reasons I am feared. I am ok with that. I simply get to Be. And enjoy myself. I'm also ok with that. If my life stays status quo im good with that, if things change im also good with that. If thats where my life leads, I am finally.ok with that.  But I will always hope for more and what's missing to also be there.

A hero will sacrifice the person they love to save the world, but a villain will sacrifice the world to save the person they love. I am sick of living other people's lives for them while I just sit here and watch my own and the things I prioritize pass me.bye because of peomises and doing the right thing. I've always done the right thing for someone else. Ive always tried to be the fine and upstanding perfect gentleman that I was never raised to be. When does it become too much? When do I realize that life has passed me by because of other people's expectations of what should abd shouldn't be.  Its infected another generation, and I have to wonder do I allow myself to take the fucking hit or have my son affected. My decisions are mine, I sleep just fine at night. I have no regrets in my life. I'm not sure that many in this life, and particularly on my life can say the same.. if you can, im not in a glass house, im in a fragile tower of ruins, but here cast the first...

 Yesterday, everything changed. Its a new chapter. 15 years to get this far. Sometimes its worth it. All I know is unconditional love is aways worth it.

  I'm done with fucking fake freinds and convention drama. More than willing to.walk away when I feel like im being used or being stabbed in the back by people who have been on my radar for a decade but have never contributed anything of substance to my life. Esp. The ones that have never contributed anything in iver and decade and are connected to a memory of a former freind id rather fucking forget. It was a cool moment but at this fucking point. If you are not with me you are agianst me and everyone right now feels like they are agianst me in the scene. Thats fine. I'm used to being hated. I dont give a damn. You don't affect me or my personal life. I said id stop when it stopped being fun. Some things have a shelf life. Every thing has its limits. I just need mine to evolve. I think it has naturally. But it may be time for Dumbledore to be done very soon. And when it completely stops being fun otherwise it'll completely be done. Never had any issues walking away, ...

  At this point i am choosing the devil I know and it being complicated over people that clearly only need me when they need or want something. When I look over the ruins if my life there is only one constant. And while we are damaged and I shoukd have walked away completely shes never really taken advantage of me or asked me for anything up to and including child support, so maybe I really need to consider what happens next. My life doesnt reach that far to her world, but maybe soon I can let her into my world some more.  Not sure tje next step but I'm definitely starting to consider that some of these temporary people in my life just aren't going to be there while she is. There is a distinction there. One thats always been. Shes chosen to be connected to me for the rest of our lives. Thats big. This last year I've lost enough supposed ride or die freinds I'm starting to actually consider who will be there at the end. She's always a consideration. But I'm done...

I live my life. Free of anyone elses decisions. I have my own set of morals and a code and I will always fucking try. But there are days I just need to take a step back and do somethings for me. Right now the answer to that is concerts and having fun.  There will be some answers given this year or there will be some serious fucking changes in my life. I'm sick of just feeling lije I'm performing in my life and just being an accessory to some people who continue to let me fucking down. Survival just isn't enough anymore. And glass houses do have stones. I have the first rock, if needed. I'm done allowing people to pick and choose there place in my life.  Ive been searching for peace when maybe i should have been seeking mayhem. Fifty years almost and im either depressed or angry all the time. I dont have the energy for either. I want to be happy,I want to have good things and good experiences. I don't want to be constantly punching my hand agianst a wall waiting fo...

When every day is just a knife fight for fucking survival and nothing ever changes, what the fuck am I doing here? Twenty years in the same fucking motion. Nothing ever changes. It's just a motherfucking holding pattern. There has to be more to this life than survival. There has to be more to my life than the occasional escape and phone call reminder of the man I once was. I walk away to protect you from me, I don't play your controlling mindgames for a reason. I control the narrative, love me, hate me, loathe me, you will do at least two things, you will fucking respect me, and you will not forget me, even when it would be easier if I was forgotten.  I damage people lives, thats why no one ever stays. As hard as I fucking try I am ultimately aware of how fucking disposable I am, to my girl, to my child, to my freinds ive known since before high school... how many of them are left? Its just a march to be truly alone. Whats fucking point. Fifty years old and I will sit down alon...

I don't do fucking cryptic and I dont play fucking high-school childish games with the person I life i love the most save my son, I will walk away. I have before. Without a word and without looking back. You betrayed me. I never fucking betrayed you. I even came back after I had no reason to just to have you betray me a second fucking time. I'm still trying to be a good husband and a father even now. Both of these fucking things you have denied me. Why bother. Hes of legal age and there were moments where you could have been there and you fucking weren't. Why shoukd I care now. I don't. Only time i put effort into anything in my life and you treat it like an afterthought. I thought I was happy and then you come into it and unbalance things. Including me. I don't know if it need you as an element of my fucking life. I for sure dont need you in orbit playing mind games. Verbal sparring and emotional mindgames need to end some time. You are important and you are in my ...

Life is too short to be constantly fucking pissed off like this. Especially over things that have no substance and do not fucking matter. I have real things that i need to address and maybe I should walk away from some of these distractions. I was always better when i was focused on the important things rather than the mindless distractions. When people drag me down i simply stop associating with them, there is only one person that gets that exemption and i would gladly follow her into hell. However, even there the rules are very rigid. I dont fold for anyone. I never have. I'll stand my ground. What I wont stand for is not being respected.  I'm sick of being angry about things I cannot control. Ending this is something I can control. So at this point walking away isn't enough. This time I am going to do something drastic and put the exclamation point on it. I have enough drama in my life i don't need something someone I care about having it ruined by useles...

  I live every day with the fear of another loved one dying in my arms and/or my door being smashed in and my life being destroyed agian. If i decide to move on to protect the little bit of mental health and peace i have left. You are all gone. Forgotten. Thats where I am agian. It might be time to go fucking dark. I'm already nuts and institutional. Whats the world minus one more crazy conservative? I don't need to be here for anyone except my own inner circle and even those people, they drop like flies. The difference is before there was forgiveness. Now there's an absolute finalty. If you remove you from my chess board you are fucking gone. It's always only about the little king and the black queen anyways. And even the black queen is in a consideration to be forgotten herself agian. I don't have anyone thats always gonna be there at the end except for my own worst enemy. So I am cold or ablivent to losing someone in my life? Yeah I cut the love of my life out o...

  The list of lives I've broken reach from here to hell. I am absolutely done with people who want advice or help based on my experiences and dont take into the fact the emotional toll of asking the questions they present. Yes I worked in the field but they have been my enemy since I was a fucking kid. Im gonna be frank and fucking honest when dealing with the people that destroyed my life. Yes the protocol to protect everyone so no one is accountable is fucking systemic in the system, and keep in mind it is a system. I lost ny child to it despite keeping him out of the system and trusting his mother to take care of him. I do not need to be fucking triggered with questions without understanding that situation. I gave advice and I feel like I am being demonized for it. Sorry my opinion is tainted by the anger and hate i'm very much trying to distance myself from. But there are reasons I distance myself and let them fade away. Its not always about protecting myself. Ive thought f...

I am just Done with some people in my fucking life. I have my own issues and problems and responsibilities and im sick of being an emotional fucking lap dog for people that are only truly on the outskirts of my fucking life. If I have built a wall between us take that as a fucking hint that I want space. I will forgot your fucking name or that you even exist. I have to chose me no one else will and those that mattered most forgot I existed unless they needed sonething.  I am always better off alone. I know who watches the casket burn. The people who will be there at the end are already counted. I only need onr hand. Everyone else, let me burn out, ill only fade away. I'm done being angry for angers sake but im real sick of someone dragging me into their drama and them complaining I dont care enough or pay attenion to them. I don't do anyone else's drama I have enough of my own. Also, I DONT CARE. I never have and I never will. Its easier that way. Blame me and l...

Nothing fucking changes. We go from crisis to crisis. All I know is that someone who isn't kin to me has no reason to be treating his little sister and nephew the way he does. I am going to marry that girl finally. I dont know when I dont know how but there is no reason this constant fuckin lack of respect and this cycle of abuse and enabling needs to continue. You've never respected her. And i do. She and that little boy are my world. We are just complicated. Im trying to uncomplicate it. There was a reason family engagements were kept at arms length because I saw 20 years ago you didnt respect her, I know that you never fucking respected me. I dont care if you respect me, I know you fear me thats enough. All I want her to have is the peace I'm currently seeking. If i Need to be Mr. Mayhem to achieve that i have no issues doing so. No fucks given. I am scary. I am a mentally ill loner that society has rejected. I stand apart and I am not fucking afraid of anyone. Includin...

Things are starting to make a little more sense now. I am looking for peace but I also know what the last stop at the station leads to. I have no doubt of that. And I have no regrets about constantly extending the olive branch. It will always happen.  I see my future in your eyes. I always have. I still do. And he stands beside  you now. We need to think about somewhere else. Im not sure long term what the solution is. I know that every root we have is poisoned or ruins. I want you safe and free from drama. I always have. I will always be here. I will always be waiting. I want you to make a decision by the time im 50 but we have time still. I love you. Always. I know where I stand in our last moments already. I just want the moments in between. Those are the important ones.  We have given so many up. There are precious few we could have back. My life doesnt lead to you. You have to come to mind. We need to fix things or figure things out on our own terms. Not the wor...

I have enough fucking misery in my personal life. I dont need anyone more distractions from other parties. I walked away from them for a reason. I don't do angry or revenge for a reason. I'm busy taking care of things that need to be done while I am not entirely happy on a daily basis. All my life is all it has ever been is moments. Zero for anything else. The fact that someone took advantage of me in a moment where I wanted out of situation that just annoyed the fuck out of me and was ending anyways is irrelevant. I saw the writing on the wall and how much of a black hole your life was and how much you wanted to drag me into it. I divorced myself from tbe situation. Never forget I know you fucked over one of my oldest freinds from my old neighborhood. There are other reasons other than the obvious that you are forgotten. You just dont exist to me. Unless you make it a reality that you want to be existant.  Its probaly not in your best interests.

These are my Happy Moments. These are when I get to pretend my life is normal snd I am still free. Not brought down by the last 30 years of being an adult and responsibilities. Im going to have fun. I may be stuck in hamilton because of responsibilities both here and Niagara. But I am not bound by them. There are reasons much of my social circle are elsewhere and why I prefer to go elsewhere to have fun. I have options, I could be elsewhere. Alberta, Vancouver, Toronto even Windsor. I choose to stay for the moment. But I could move on and never look back. I have a good life and good freinds. But I also have enemies. At least some of them i dont sweat because they are cowards that would never say word one to my face. But I do care because an attack on me is a possible threat to those that I love. But I'm not the only one with loved ones, and while I'm at peace with my life and my place in it. I 100% still know how to wage a war. If i have to defend myself I will. I am fucking si...

I choose me. I am happy and my world isn't miserable. I do things. Alone as usual. But on my terms. There are no strings on me and no one weighing me down. Its better that way. I was never meant for anyone long term. I can barely take care of myself and my responsibilities. And of those I have had plenty. Its just the landscape kept changing and I adapted every single time. Now im sick of adapting. I am living life on my terms and my terms alone. Fit in or fuck off. I don't need anyone in my life that doesnt want to be there, drags me down or simply is adjecent. I have plenty of freinds. Most of them are arms length for a reason. You dont want to be simply in orbit and adjecent to me. Im fine and happy being a lone wolf. Always have been. I walk and go wherever I want. And I intimidate people randomly. I'm fine with being that in my personal life too.

Nothing ever changes. Sadly my world has a reality that I will watch someone I care about enable someone forever because thats how she has been raised to be accountable to be her brothers keeper. I have to stay in orbit because my son is her child and I know how easily it is to fall into the fucking pit of addictions. Therevis dust on bottle here because outside of social drinking I choose not to fucking drink at home. I have the ability and the means to be in a constant state of intoxication but I also know what that has cost us all so I choose not to. Others choose something else. Somehow I'm the one with a happy and stable life.  I'm a statistic, this isn't how its supposed to fucking end for me. I shouldn't have a family as fractured as it is, and I'm probaly years past my expiration date. But I endure. And I do it because its about more than me. But I could very easily look into the bottom of that bottle and live there. Nothing in my fucking life pr...