Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

There are people in my life that need to either go very fucking far away or stop living in their delusions, when you make comments that have absolutely no base in reality and it's obvious you are either doing a mind screw or trying to give me hope or some sort of twisted way of cheering me up it's not needed, unless you can prove what you are saying it just rings hollow... I know exactly what i am dealing with and one persons delusions and craziness does not need to be compounded by another Idiots attempt to give me false hope... Destiny I'll make on my own, people need to start living in the real world and not ones that they create in their mind... I'm sick of having to live in someone else delusions.... it's been a year, It will end soon.. I really don't need your fucking help trying to fool my mind, it plays enough tricks on me on it's own. Current Mood: Annoyed. There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view I hold dear. The battlefi...

Determination is the first and last thing when it comes to my life, without it i would not have survived all of the hells i have experienced in my life...I will never back down from anything when i know that i am not in the wrong, It hasn't been my choice to make my life and the life of my child's hell, it is beyond fathomable that things would turn out this way, but of course when you are dealing with the most vindictive of persons there is no choice, I have to stand strong and not be defeated, i have to sit here and be the strongest person i know when even inside i am breaking down, I have to bottle up all my anger and hate towards the situation, it's not the easiest even when you can see the other person that is trying to destroy you constantly failing, but until i can prove that failure i am at the mercy and misery of her lies and bullshit....At least in my world, one doesn't use their mouth to end their fights, when I get into a fight i always go ready to win and ...

Today was a victory but not a good day for my mind space... I am analyzing it all my head and the more i think about it the angrier i get but you know what, today was a space, you're goddamn right i was pissed off about what was said to me but you know what this battle isn't about being flamebaited by someone with the mentality of a child... wait.. no... gotta give children more credit than that, today i was flamebaited by someone with the mentality of a mental patient, and that's where she deserves to be... yes i was angry but i held it within and didn't get frustrated by it, i cannot be consumed by rage because then that rage will define me and my actions, and I am so much better than that, when other's are proving that they are not it's still time for me to prove otherwise... today i did just that. Current Mood: Frustrated, Angry. Silence Is a Weapon and Speaks Volumes about Character.

Today went as expected, interesting to see the outburst meant to arose some kind of emotion out of me at the end of the day, but some serious tactical errors were made and when i know i'm the one keeping my cool it's all good, silence speak volumes and my silence speaks louder than anything i can say or do.... as does her actions, it's a game and it will continued to be played, today was all about little victories and i got what was needed and that's all that was asked for, it's nice to see epic fail on display tho, I have have to remember who the better person is.... i can't let her get under my skin, she who angers you wins, and today.. it was just sad, i was laughing about it minutes later because i don't care, again my stoic silence speaks volumes about my character and about who and what i am and what I am not. Current mood: Focused. Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don't ever apologize ...

I Have absolutely nothing to fear because tomorow the gears of war start churning and things in this fucking world start changing, but knowing that you are directly lying and contradicting yourself is just fine with me, we all get to hell in our own way, but when you are digging your own hole trying to damn me to purgatory the only person you are hurting is someone completely innocent and one day if not already he will resent you for it, You can strip me bare i have nothing to hide, you know me heart and soul and you are using what's left of my heart to destroy my soul, but you know what... that little person is better than both of us and that's the only thing worth fighting for, and if this is the path you choose, you'll lose... i'll win... or i'll never start fighting, but the fact is that you are afraid, but i don't think it is of me... I think you are afraid of the game you have been playing, I hope that you fear me, but i don't think you do.... I think ...

It's almost time for the bullshit to end, I am hoping for some real reality to kick in this week, and for the circumstances of my life to change, I am riding a really positive high and I am happy about it, of course i know how easily that high can turn and descend into fear and/or rage and I am prepared for it, There is no reason why things shouldn't go positively but even if they don't i'll keep fighting and i will seek eventual victory, just have to keep a positive attitude and never surrender!!! Current Mood: Hopeful. Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.

I have to remember that even in the darkest of times in my life that there is hope and positivity and that i have people standing behind me no matter what...sometimes I feel like this is a battle all on my own, But when it comes down to it I have a lot of people behind me and they will catch me when and if I fall, I feel a lot better after yesterday and it proves without a shadow of a doubt my character when i constantly get told that I didn't do this, as long as I have Hope and the determination to see the battle through I will be fine, it's just a matter of seeing this thru to the end without becoming actively discouraged, there is a reason I have a white lantern action figure sitting up, to remind me to always have hope and not fall into despair and anger, because often, that's all i can focus on... Sometimes you just gotta look to the good things in your life to keep you going. Current Mood: Hope. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences ...