Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

A preety awesome end to a not so bad week, he's excited for the New year I'm tired... that's the way it goes.. headed back to work tonight, that should be interesting. he's happy with the week and thats all that matters.. the new year brings fresh experinces and a new outlook on things..... we'll see how it goes. For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. Current Mood: Happy.

Just sitting around watching cartoons with my son and getting things i needed done today this morning, pretty happy that even tho there have been bumps in the road that this holiday is turning into a half decent one with him and he's in happy land. i'm a little less happy about the fact that someone at work is trying to pass off and overnight shift on me when i have been very clear that when I am with my son i am completely unavilble for overnight shift... you do not leave a child with a babysitter or even family unless it is an extreme situation that can't be advoided.. i do not need the shift that badly tonight to go in. Current Mood: Very Happy.

Looks like we are finally getting some snow, things have weird ways of working themselves out, we are home and dealing with the rest of his vacation.... yesterday was fun and it was good to see him with everyone. Current Mood: Happy.

So anyways, another day of fun filled highjinks and adventure, in other words arguing with the one person who decided she leave it till the last minute for me to make plans for tommorow.... you would think you could keep the lines of communication open during the holiday so things like this don't happen but of course, thats the way things are with her... i don't think she liked the fact that I admitted to being wrong and yelling at her in frustration today... she loses her power that way when I relaize that i am giving her exactly the reaction she wants to provoke from me... ah well whatever... i have him tommorow... and it's Santa claws time... Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money3 Current Mood: Happy

I got the one thing i wanted this christmas.... he got a helicopter i got to speak to him on the phone, hopefully sunday comes off without a hitch and we spend a week together being happy and together, sorry for being miserable, i know i make my choices but this holiday can be hard when your alone, esp. as a single dad. Current Mood: Happy. I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the world seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses.

yeah, i'll admit it. being lonely on christmas does suck a little.... it would be nice to be around people instead of fucking hermiting around all day.... wallowing in my own misery.. but i made a choice.. it would probaly help if someone would return a fucking phone call but that's her pregoative, this is exactly the way i get to feel every fucking year, nothing i can do about it until it's my turn and then start ignoring her requests and calls.... we will have daddy time next week, i'm sure of that, I need to find someone Normal and start hanging out, making love, being with people agian, when my only real social circle is employment right now that is telling about my life, i have let everything fade away into dust and crumble.... I need to find something to do, someone to be,i need a change and i need it soon.... Current mood: Depressed. Oh, look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and be

Not a bad morning.... went to work and the kids were up and well behaved and excited, had pizza for lunch, kinda like the idea of not having to deal with anyone today and just fucking relaxing.... works for me. obviously i haven't called her yet so i'm not yet pissed off... of course she hasn't been answering her phone recently. And it will be 5 years Next week. Current Mood: Relaxed. Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. Bart Simpson.

I don't usually post scans from unreleased comics but this is just too Wow to ignore and i want it on my blog.... the Flash as a blue lantern, too cool... Merry Christmas everyone. Current Mood: Christmasy.

So far so good, the holiday isn't turning into the total shitstorm of depression it usually becomes for me, had to work last night which i guess is a bonus..... just wish one of my close freinds in windsor hadn't been ripped off for a wii... maybe i'll get a charity of the usual collection of idiots to put something together for him and we can get him another wii..... or something.... but yeah all in all, a better year than last... haven't been fired yet. did i mention i get to see the boys at work open there gifts under the tree tommorow? Current Mood: Tired. Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. Bart Simpson

I am moved, there were some road bumps in the way but it's done, there are some frustrations with the way things have turned out but whatever, just as long as things get done, i am greatful that work has me advoiding the christmas day crap other than work but i almost wish this holiday was done with, i'm tired and confused and i wonder what the next step is....just hope things work out in the new year. we'll see how it goes. Current Mood: Frustrated.

Today is not a good day, I am getting fed up with the outstanding amount of nonsense that I am fucking dealing with from people, i do not need to come off a graveyard shift and the first thing i hear is bitching about moving, pretty fucking fed up with that crap. I have been trying to plan the move, it's not the easiest thing to do in the world. plus there's the whole limited Resources thing, for fucks sake I have to get a fucking Welfare Cheque this month because i made exactly 500$ cash in pay this month, i don't not need to deal with more bullshit because people think they can push me around. when people push me around I push back. Current mood: Depressed and pissed off. Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts”

I can't feel anything today, i am trying to make plans for tommorow and i am not even living up to my own expectations, i am wondering what i am going to do about the move and what i am going to do about having my son next week, I don't like choosing to make sacrifices all the time, but sometimes things need to be chosen and done. hopefully this Christmas doesn't feel as cold as it currently does. But in the new year i may make some shocking decisions and upset the applecart. Current Mood:Frustrated. Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.

Some days are easier than most. today it's not even about the job it's about the fact i'm working my ass off and am on call 24/7 and i'm still not making enough money to survive. I know this job is the way it is but it still bites me in the ass some times. it's the way the world works which sucks... but whatever i'll deal, it's a good thing I'm resourceful and i know how to plan for shit like birthdays and christmas or this month would suck even more than it currently does. Current Mood: Annoyed. As I climb onto your back, I will promise not to sting I will, tell you what you want to hear and not mean anything I will, treat you like a dog as I shoot my venom in 'Cause you knew all along I am a scorpion, yeah!

Some Mornings everything just seems to work out right and i can see the new dawn on the horizon, things are getting back to normal for me and i have less worries than i thought I would with the holidays fast approaching, a good relationship with my boss, plenty of time with the little one over the holidays and a basket ful of xmas gifts... the world is slowly coming together for me and some of my demons are starting to fade away, i feel more positive at work too. Current Mood: At Peace. When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.

it's interesting to see that ones end up with a certian set of books about a certian lone drow elf every 5 years, this has to be one of the first times in years that even tho money is tight i am slowly becoming at peace with myself, i remeber the last time, it was about now 2004. while there are still conccerns and issues to deal with, and there is a diffrent set of heartache and expectations arounds my next steps it's reassuring to know that some things can still keep me grounded and more than happy. I wish i could see and feel the future but i can't so i have to leave the adventure beyond and let it pull me wherever it's going to take me, there's decisions to be made but they can pass by until the new year, i'm going to enjoy this current state as long as it lasts. Current Mood: At Peace with Oneself. Currently Reading: Homelands, R.A. Salvatore. Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a cu

nothing like nothing to do for the next week or so... i should go on vacation somehwere and be a lot less bored but that would require effort.. i have things to get acoomplished... sometimes it just feels like some days my life moves in slow motionn and all i do is sit around play guitar and watch television, i used to be a lot more interesting than this. Current Mood: ZZZZZ

it's nice to find peace with the the ones you care about... even if little man is sick it was nice not having to rush out of work this morning and actually have conversations with the kids... it's also nice to have a saturday off... i feel bad because he has the sniffles and a cough but depending how he feels tommorow i will go visit... Mommy will come get his birthday prezzie soon so it's all good. Current Mood: Happy. Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

I'm in a better Mood today as some of the dark cloud hanging over my head has been resolved. it's good to know that my career won't be heading into the toilet anytime soon. it's too bad that someone else is taking advantage and hurting someone i care the most about in the world becuase of said career however.. but there will be a phone call and a reckoning tonight and some words will be said politely... and maybe not so politely. Current Mood: Happy.

people may wonder why i'm fucking distant or i don't seem to care about certian fucking things as much as i should. newsflash there's only a few things i really and truly care about and it seems like currently they are systemactily taken away from me, nothing like opening your heart and soul up to someone years ago to someone who now contuinually uses a dagger to continue to ruip out the black peices of my soul. if you/her/sheshe truly understood me she would have never treated me the way she fucking does. if she truly loved her son she would not treat us the way she does. she is the reason that her son is growing up Just like I did, the diffrence is that She has a choice I did not growing up. Current mood: Reflective. Well my son turned six just the other day he said thanks for the ball Dad come on let's play can you teach me to throw I said not today - I got a lot to do he said that's o.k. and he walked away and he smiled and he said you know I'm gonna be lik

Hmmm, i wonder who i could be possibly pissed off at currently... i don't need a fucking argument over my cell phone minutes long distance at prime time, it's enough that you do not respect me and the fact i have to fucking work to provide for my son but now you want to make plans for the weekend i am supposed to have my son, what kind of fucking crack do you think your on? maybe i should take you back to fucking court and deal with you... Current Mood: Pissed. Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one Ben Franklin.

I hope You had a good day and i hope you like the present Daddy got you....... 6 already where did the time go? Current Mood: Sad.

I am starting to feel that hiding away any emotions or compassion is the best way to go in this world. i am feeling expected to be a drone and do what I'm told in every situtaion is the best way to go. at least that way I can't be blamed for having a free thinking mind... it's nice how i have become somehow souless in the persuit of this feild that now i don't care... the fire is starting to go out and i'm expecting the lone lingering flame that has kept me going to be completely snuffed soon. at least at this juncture in time I have other priorities.. y'know... such as breathing and keeping a roof over my head... and everythign else that comes with that.There's always the next step and at this point i'm starting to think i need to look towards. Seems like everything always turns coldest in Decemeber, maybe next year things will change, maybe next year i'll find some security in life, whatever. Current mood: Positive. If you limit your choices only t

One is getting sick of people that don't know me telling me how good it is that i have a job and i should be grateful that i'm working this time of year...newsflash fuckers... i make less money this month than a person on Ontario Works... I am seriously thinking about going back to St. Catherines, i know that there is a place for me there.. people seem to wonder why i'm irrrabtle, obnoxious and angry around December, well there's the whole Birthday thing that i can't even see my son for, the whole i just sold one of the things i Like to get him something he likes for his birthday, and the fact that i don't know how i'll be able to take him over the holidays and move into a new place.. the frustrations become evident... and then to have some fucker tell me to be thankful for the things i have and the job i have? you mean the job that works me to death and then doesn't have a place for me in decemeber, the time of year i need shifts the most? i wish they w

Nothing like sitting around without the patience to do anything waiting for the next shoe to drop and understanding that it may not, i detest waiting for the guillotine if it's coming, whatever the next step is i think i need to be somewhere else that i'm appreciated and needed, i have many skills and the patience level is subsiding. i should not be starving and making less money than i would on welfare, it's a good thing a majority of Xmas presents have been bought because i can't afford to do shit with December's pay.... i wonder why things happen why they do.. i am seriously considering moving back to St. Catherines if for any other reason than there is nothing here for me and lately that is being proven evident. Current Mood: Angry. If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?

One is starting to get the feeling that I need to find a new job and a new place to be in terms of my life... i have to apply for welfare around christmas because i am not getting shifts? i'm supposed to moving this month, this transient nature of this job is affecting me very personally and my son, i think it may be time to find something else in a hurry, it probaly doesn't help my self esteem or my mental health that someone left me a nasty fuck you letter when she quit, that's nice and professional, it's one thing to not like someone and their methods, opions etc. but when you unleash a personal attack without provocation that's ridiclous, no wonder i have lost faith in this carreer and this job... i would be better off with out it.. and i'm starting to think more and more about teaching and finding something else with my life... i do not need this shit month after month after month, i should not be wondering where my next meal or shift is coming from day aft

The patience level is wearing thin... i cannot fucking wait to be moved. this douche landlord is once agian playing games and if it continues and he keeps trying to kick me out i am going to go to the tribunal and get a cease and desist order and/or punch the fucking goof out... i am sick of people that think they can just do things with threats... that's not how the world works... it's not like i'm in the greatest space currently due to the bullshit at work and having to deal with that cocksmokers nonsense makes things even more confusing... it doesn't help with everything else going on... i just want to make like an ostrich and stick my head in a hole.... Current mood: Frustrated. Life is not an easy matter... You cannot live through it without falling into frustration and cynicism unless you have before you a great idea which raises you above personal misery, above weakness, above all kinds of perfidy and baseness. Leon Trotsky (Russian Communist theorist and agita

Nothing is more annoying than being asked to do something and then encountering a wall of silince when it comes time to deal with it... my patience is once aguan running thin... i'm wondering if it's agian time to speak to the lawyers and let them settled things... i have enough stressful events in my life right now... i do not need her nonsense right now.. it's agrravating. Current Mood: Annoyed. He said, "I'm your brother, I'm your friend I'm purity, hit me again With a bullet, number one Kill the family, save the son" Himself Himself

Today was an interesting day, tired of dealing with bullshit from people that never quite live up to my expectations...nothing like being employed and being told off that i'm not qualified to recive christmas assistance because i have a job.. sometimes i wonder if the pendelum in this country has swung too far.. i mean the working poor should be more entitled to help than the fuckers sitting at home popping out kids and staying on welfare.. i'm educated i want to work, just because it's a slow period at work agian and i'm sking for assitance.. a fuck whatever.... it's just the stupidity of some bullshit buercract better luck tommorow....I shouldn't let shit like this get to me.. but it is indicative of a bigger problem in society. Current mood: Annoyed. I've done it all I mean I been everywhere I've been beaten I been stabbed I been hung I been burried alive And I can deal with that But its the little things

We had a good weekend and i'm off to buy the birthday present today... pretty happy about the way things turned out ended up getting rid of the ps2 and the n64 today which means a little more cash flow. he didn't want to go home last night, it broken my heart to tell him he had to go home because he had to go to school tommorow, he kept crying it's still the weekend i want to stay with you.... i really have to resolve the Friday night situiation because he needs that time with me.... let's see where i'm working in the new year... supposed to go to the parent teacher we'll see how that goes. Current mood: happy, misses him.

It's a good day and he's happy.. we went to the children's mesuem, mcdonalds with the big tree for lunch and now we hanging out at the library.. sometimes when my troubles and the nonsense around me and my job, house and life get complicated all I need to do is spend a few hours with him to realize why i'mrying so goddamn hard to make a good life for him.... life may be complicated but it's worth it when he's happy. Current Mood: Content

Nostalgia is nice for a moment... i spent enough time in Toronto today to enjoy a cup of coffee i was easily reminded about what i hate that city and would only go there seeking full time employment... all i see in Toronto are memories of someone i used to be... i had less worries and sometimes i wax nostalgic for that period of time as well.. but then i remember that things weren't always spare change and glory i went threw some rough times back then.... at least now i have accomplishments in my life i can look back upon and i don't need to be sitting on a street corner asking for a handout.... Toronto is a memory... much like everything else in my life... i am only anywhere for a short while and then i move on... it's the nomadic life for me.... the only attachments that last for me are the ones i choose... and the responsibilities i choose. Current Mood: Tired. Someone take these dreams away That pointed to another day A duel of personalities The stranger true reality Th

I saw a rainbow today... proving that even with a dark cloud overhead there can still be things of wonder...things are changing as i got the apartment but i have to budget myself to death as a result of work.... and make alternate plans.. i won't shed a tear for this job if one of the other 2 interviews proves succesful.... Current Mood: Positive.

..... the bullshit continues.. at this point i don't care anymore.. if my son is going to suffer if i get another job i am thinking am going to give notice at my current job.. if you want me to work weekends and then when i have made fucking arrangements to be availible and given up the last 2 months of weekends with my son i think it's time for a carrer change... i'm am not waisting my talents, my time or my stress levels with this mickey mouse organization if this nonsense is going to continue.. i can't live on 13 fucking hours a paycheque.. i might as well not even be working... fucking clowns...i'm sick of the politics and nonsense anyways and i have other options...time to start exploring them, hopefully the Ymca or oznam house in toronto will be the next fucking option cuz my current employment is a joke and i'm seriously starting to feel that more harm than good is being done when it comes to the staff and money matters around it.... i'm sick of bitin

I know that i have other options and i am persuing them but there are things that i won't or can't do. the frustration is less now that i have pay in my hand and i am seeing things a little more clear... there are still some serious frustrations but i need to wait and see and see how the next few weeks play out... it's all about patience and the next step... i think making myself and others miserable isn't helping tho.. but i've made my choices and i'm comfortable living in my skin... most of the time. Current Mood: Positive. You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.” Albert Einstein

I don't know what to believe in anymore... i am getting increasingly frustrated with the nonsense at work and the political bullshit and the back biting... i should have my paycheque in hand today and it's nonexistent... fucking ridiculous.. at least theres another option later this week at the downtown Y? i dunno.. too many things to be pissed at currently... fucking ex and her nonsense... the fact i can't afford to give little man a decent Xmas without stretching my budget and wallet to the limit... what the fuck is with employment when i was able to do a better Christmas for my child on welfare living in Thorold than being employed in Hamilton.... i should not have to be selling possessions like my Ps2/x box's etc just to survive and have nice things for him and his birthday.... yes i don't play with them as much anymore and little man has his Wii... but whatever i shouldn't be buying his birthday present with money from that? then again it's not like i

One's notorious lack of patinece with the world is flaring up agian, i am starting to wonder about my job and why i bother.. it's not like i have a little one at home that has a birthday and christmas coming up.. i mean why the hell does someone who was sick get to fucking steal my shifts? i give up my kid on the weekend to have that shift and a day beforehand someone fucking decides that he's going to take it instead? between that the politics, the fact that i feel some of the clients rights get infridged on and the whole bullshit nature of the job.. i mean i love being a CYW but i need some job security ive been there a year and ive been five minutes away for almost every call in shift... i havent taken more than one week off that whole time and there is absolutley no job secruity.. and worse it is affecting my son.. i don't give a fuck about the finacals but when it starts to affect my little boy i get concerenced and even worse when I coul;d have him this weekend bu

Not the best start to a day and a visit...... but we saw Santa Claus at the Hamilton parade!!! Him being around makes all the stupid anger about work politics and her nonsense melt away.... i can deal with venting about that later. today is about him being happy and hanging out with daddy... he didn't sleep a wink last night he was excited about seeing me.. i have to figure out how to get work and time with him straight... i don't know if i should be sacrificing my saturdays..... he means so much and i wonder how much the job means to me... i care about the kids there but i care about him more and we will see what the new year brings... Current Mood: Happy, Excited.

sometimes the answer to a question inside the head comes from from an unlikely place.. a conversation over lunch with my mother did more for my mental health today than the lack of sleep i have been suffering from the last few days.. things happen for a reason and even when that reason sucks it's nice to have people to bounce ideas and thoughts off of. Current Mood: Bored. Current music: Revolution Calling, Queensryche.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Current Mood: At Peace.

One should not want to go to work because of diffrences between the way someone is treating a client... the biggest frustration is to be working side by side when it's happening...and not being able to do anything about it because of the fact that person is a supervisior and has a big mouth..I am really starting to think about what side of the fence I should be in this industry.. i am really thinking of going back to university in the new year and being able to teach,I guess i should start writing agian. the goal is still to one day work at the children's advocate but the demon's are surfacing agian.. this time out of concern not out of anger or frustration... and it's not me that's being affected it's someone it should not be happening to... but then agian it's all a system of control to pump out politically correct drones for the private sector right? Madness comes, and madness goes An insane place, with insane moves Battles without, for battles within Whe

One little moment in time is all it takes for me to know that i am doing my job right and make me feel like i am needed.. the best part was it was a former client that no longer lives there... it makes all the disgusting politics and bending of clients rights to suit another's purpose all float away.. i was going to write a pissed off angry blog today esp. when she who should not be named screwed me over for a sunday visit after i worked a 24 hour straight shift but you know what i'll deal.. as long as i know i'm making a diffrence in these kids lives thats all that matters and someone else proved that to me today. Current Mood: Warm.

I am getting sick of the politics at work... the games are driving me nuts and you have to wonder why the kids are getting worse instead of better.. of course there own behaviors don't help there cause much but when it is transparent the reason why they are having issues because of some political whim and struggle for domination between the senior staff and two different viewpoints on how kids should be treated and whats allowed... I'm thinking this is not condusive to their emotional well being. of course I'm just a lowly grunt and not really entitled to my opinion i should just be glad i have a job right.... i need to stop taking this shit personally at every level, when and if i have the oppurtunity to walk away from this it has to be for the right reasons not because I'm feeling claustrophobic. Current Mood: Disillusioned. Fear. Fear attracts the fearful. The strong. The weak. The innocent. The corrupt. Fear. Fear is my ally.

One needs to start seriously persuing his career and attempting to get a position with the children's advocate a little bit more... when one's radar is going off and his moral center is bothering him one has no resort than to have a very strong backbone and account for a serious injustice when someone else is being shortsided in terms of ones rights.... i am glad that i got that off my chest and made sure i was in the right before i reported it to my boss... but i'm glad that i did... people i feel that take to many liberites with the job need to have a system of control in place... not much has chenged in about 20 years that much is becoming evident.... even as part of the system i still feel some of the things that are wrong with the system happen, which is ridiculous..... hopefully i can make for a little change esp. when i am willing to fight for my morals, judgements and beliefs. if somethigns wrong, Right it. The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hol

where to start? maybe with the irony that it seems that the only person i currently seem to be getting along with in my life is she who shall not be named? it's been an interesting weekend.... there's the whole argument that nearly led to a fucking fist fight with my landlord last night the sooner i find a new fucking place to live the better. i am sick of the abuse and it nearly came to a head last night.... he doesn't know who he's fucking with? then there's all the other fun goodies from the weekend.... like an early morning phone call bitching about me doing something that would have very specifaccaly violates one of my clients rights.... there is getting to be a breaking point with work... i mean i am sick of the internal bullshit and am trying to rise above it but when i am being set up in the crosshairs time and time agian by the same two idiots i'm not happy... I am not happy about the way my clients are treated or the lack of respect given to them. abo

Sometimes you just need to step back for a day and watch the world circle the drain.... some of the depression and anger i was feeling yesterday is lifting, i still think some of the emotions are valid and i need to get out of this fucking cookie cutter mode of everything i've been experinceing recently in my life and find some other Positivity.. but everything has it's time and can wait.... part of the depression yesterday is the hours i'm working in novemeber... i'm honestly thinking of quiiting if me working every fucking weekend becomes a trend, i am not giving up time with my son ever agian past this month. Current Mood: Less Angry.

I Needed a reminder Of who I am and what I have accomplished in this short life... even if my life seems like the shits right now i am aware that there is always a bright light at the end of every dark tunnel, i make my own choices and my own decisions and i blame no one for my failures but myself... I fly solo because there is little choice in this life, depending on people is the first thing i learned that lead to failure... i had a good fucking read of essays written 12 years ago today, that anger at a system that is broken and no one seems to notice that it's breaking is returning....i was so much smarter then, wilder maybe still but i miss that young gentleman, i see now thru decisions and the advice of others i have somewhat allowed myself to be tamed, material things and the struggle to maintain a certian lifestyle have changed me, i never planned on being in my thirties, i was gonna leave a good looking corpse. of course then responsibilites i can't ignore hit me like a

One wonders what is going on when one can no longer see anything in the future... it is confusing enough to not know what tommorow will bring but when someone sees a pattern that continues day after endless godless day it is frustrating. Current Mood: Bored.

This has been a rough week, i have been revauluating some things in life and am wondering exactly what the next step is, i'm greatful for some of my su[pport circle but i have closed down for a few days to get my head in order... i do not see tomorrow much less another day forward past that, everything is strange and confusing... i have many questions, while i remain positive my trust level is not where it should be with a lot of things currently and i need to figure them out for myself by myself. Current Mood: Positive.

One always thought there was enough faith to carry me thru anything but currently i am conflicted and wondering what the next step is.. agian... i am hoping for this new apartment while simalteonausly losing faith in the fact that it will actually happen... at least i can put the money down but the question remains when i will get a response.. my whole world currently feels upside down... and it doesn't help that the future is no longer clear at work either.. i am starting to doubt myself as a CYW, as a father, even as a human being... i mean i am not making any more money than i would be on disabilty and i fail to see the diffrence i am making in anyones lives... i don't know what to do. Current Mood: Depressed.

It's been one of those days... i am fucking losing it... i am so fucking pissed at the unseen bullshit i am wondering what the fuck was the point exactly to everything i have accomplished in my life.. jesus fucking christ i can't even get a goddamn cheque cashed and have to go downtown to do so... i am wishing sometimes that i hadn't bothered improving my life and getting my shit together... everything i have had as a result of late has turned to shit... i'll tell you this... i never had some goof landlord turning my life into hell when i wasn't working....I just fucked them over with the landlord tribunal.... i should fight him but i don't give a shit... and the whole paycheque thing is nonsense.. i should have more fucking hours.. i went nuts today looking for work.. so pissed off... it's seems like i'm desending into the blackest hole and there is no escape.. i know my darker places and right now i'm in one... you fucking people better look out...

I should not be living paycheque to paycheque and having to scrounge for food the last week the kind of hours i have been working... my paycheque today was ridiculous.... i work insane fucking hours... something's got to give.. if i have to go back to a fast food joint i will... what the fuck? speaking of which... some idiot from the place i used to work downtown called me today which is pretty fucked..... i'd rather busk all day then eat 100 dollars off each paycheque cuz someone fucked up his numbers thanks.... it seems any time things start turning positive and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel something else fucks up.. well at least right now all i see at the end of the darkness is more fucking darkness... hopefully the apartment on iverness turns out today but whatever.... it's all bullshit.. i'm right back to the fucking place i was 2 years ago where all i can afford is a shiity apartment cuz i have four hundred dollars in my pocket.... guess karma'

Another lousy night... at least i packed the house... if this fucking asshoile landlord continues his bullshit i am going to kick his fucking teeth down his throat.. i am sick of being bullied so he can his shitty life back in order and fuck up mine... if it comes to blows it comes to blows but this is fucking bullshit... and of course i find a place conveinent to work and it's cheap for a 2 bedroom and it's a fucking hole... welcome to hamilton... remind me agian why i live here? Current Mood: Annoyed.

I just noticed today that it has been almost exactly four fucking years since i started this blog.. originally it was a way to comment on the sad state of my life school and relationship woes, it has turned into something more... it has replaced writing poetry as cathartis to my inasnity that keeps revolving around in my head and it has been a place where i can report on my dreams coming true or a least an admission that there is a little tranquility in my life... it's suprising that it has lasted 4 years... not much has changed i'm still a miserable person most of the time but once in a while a little bit of sunshine manages to get thru the dark clouds.

This has not been the most interesting of weekends.. nor has it been easy.. where the hell do i start? the asshole landlord? the bullshit politics at work? or the child stealing ex whore who calls me up drunk is all lovey dovey pretending that things between us are kosher cuz she's loaded? sorry, that door closed five fucking years ago.. he's almost six already, i have long since closed the door, and while you're staring down a bottle you're getting nostaligic? what about the pain you have caused to me and him? we are not possesions subject to your fucking whim. it hurts when she pulls shit like that but whatever i get pissed off... i think it would have been funny had she not done it the minute i was walking out of a 14 hour shift at work, esp. when it was a positive but frustrating shift... i am a little sick of the nonsense politics at work, how the hell can i be taking others shifts when i am hardly getting any fucking shifts of my own? what a pile of horsecrap.. th

Not really doing anything today just bored out of my tree... looking forward to tommrrow.. pretty sad that i don't have anything to do but hang around and sit at home playing video games.. welcome to my life and the sad state of affiars i am doing nothing on my day off ..i should be doing something.... but i'm not. Current Mood: bored.

So anyways little man went home sunday very happy with his weekend and i had the oppurtunity last night to go see the bombers/cats game with one of the boys from work... i enjoyed it very much.. to know that i am making a diffrence even when things aren't always being viewed with rose colured glasses means a lot to me... the cats lost 28-38 by the way.. but having the feeling i had for the good part of last night makes me feel really good inside. Current mood: Happy.

nothing like sharing an experience that i had a million times with my nephew with my son today... it was pretty cool going to see one of monsters favorite movies with him.. it's pretty cool... he went on and on and on about seeing Stinky Pete in the second one. very cool that his favorite character is Kelsey grammer... seeing how that me and his mother's favorite show was Frasier lol. Current Mood: Tired.

It's nice to have even a rainy day turn into a lotn of fun even if we decide to go home instead of ancaster.... toy story got delayed a day till today but you know what.. it's unny out today so we are going.... he has been so well behaved today it's awesome... he really likes his new blue's little brother computer game too... he's such a good little boy.. i'm sad he has to go back tommorow morning but you know what... it's not about quantity of time it's about quality of time... Current Mood: happy.

So guess who discovered the Smurfs on a freinds teletoon retro tv show last night? it's a pretty awesome day when you sleep in and have someone being a good little boy and no misbehaving... he's pretty happy to be around and so am i.. I am very glad to have the holiday weekend off and be spending it with him. Current Mood: Content

One wonders what the next step will bring... at least as long as she who shall not be named plays ball i'll have little man for the weekend... which will make me happy... of course i might have to sarcifice some time at work but i'm not complaining... there is a reason i'm in St. Catherines trying to have an escape parachute.. i love my job but there has to be more out there for me.. i'm sick of being in a holding pattern, seems like everytime around samhain i tend to be in a holding pattern, just waiting for the next big thing... waiting for the job, or the girl, or the grades.. i am sick of it... i'm even more sick of the fact that as much i think i am making a diffrence and being a role model the more it seems i can't make any improvement it's time for me to start being proactive rather than reactive... for too long i have let the life pass me by without taking action... it's time to start being the person i was ten years ago... angry, passionate, wil

The frustrations continue, why is it that everytime i have something right going on in my life.. something else runs interference and fucks that all up.. what would it it take to just have the kid, the girl, the house, the car the job all come together at once.. ah yes i forgot... i'm not that person... it's not like the blaze of glory has passed me by... everything i wrote about.. expectations outlived... i'm trying to decide if thats a fucking good thing... right now it doesn't feel like it is so much... i am frustrated and the only i seem to escape it is at work which is another level of hell in and of itself. i loathe the current feeling... i hate everything right now and am so miserable it isn't funny... maybe i'll just go postal on this douche and not worry about having an apartment a kid or a job anymore. Current mood: Depressed. But it ain't that bad Cause I'm homesick for the home I never had