Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's been Seven years as of today and I can't feel anything more than what i felt for you 8 years ago... you are a non event in my life and nothing you can do to me will affect the way i feel about you... it's amusing to me to think back on things and relaize that your actions are the ones that are full of wrath and anger,.. i stopped caring about you a long time ago and now i am just driven to action because i have to be because of my child, but i do find it amusing... how much that you hate me.. and i wonder what I've ever done... because I could never hate you that much... I just don't give a damn about you... and that's the diffrence between us... happy new year... stay Miserable.. I won't. Current Mood: Happy. In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins, not through strength but by perseverance.

One More day and this horrible year of Hell is over and in the ground. At least at the end of it I am hopeful for the future and I expect to see changes, I know where my supports are and the last week has been a very good place for me to clear my headspace and erase some but not all of the darkness hovering around me... my heart is warm and ia ppreciate those that care for me.. and while the blow has been softened for a week, there is still a missing component inside my heart... next year will be an effort, not out of anger or a lust for revenge, those are your vices not mine... to make sure something like this can never happen agian, My news year resolution is the same as it was 9 months ago... to never speak to you agian and have him back in my arms... Current Mood: Determined. Beware the fury of a patient man.

It's interesting to see two people who are very diffrent in many ways, having the same likes and mannerisms as each other. it's very cute and It helps remind me that somethings in this world are meant to be, and that there is a deeeper reason for everything in this world. i am enjoying my little vacation and my dark headspace is finally clearing for the first time in months. hopefully i can keep everything positive going into the new year...without any major roadblocks.. Current Mood: Happy. The stop sign reminds us to slow our pace, take a moment's rest, and look around. Therein lies a whole philosophy of life.

Just another day to chill with the people that matter the most... there is a little part of that equation missing but next year i will have fixed that.. it's not my selfishness that has caused that.. but it is nice to just chill out with family members and enjoy myself and not have a care in the world... Next week, after the new year i will go back to concerning myself with the important stuff, i'm enjoying my little vacation and I am really considering the fact that Maybe my place isn't in central ontario or Hamilton and that their are so many other places i could be... but then agian, there's only one thing keeping me in Hamilton and it's not a job or freinds.... I am kinda happy right now and that is not something I have felt for a while... being around my family... makes me feel warm. Current Mood: Happy. An invincible determination can accomplish almost anything and in this lies the great distinction between great men and little men.

Even tho i am having a good time, there is someone missing here this year at Christmas, both in my heart and beside me. I am trying to focus and be happy none the less but sometimes having happy happy family just reminds me how lonely i am without my little person...a christmas like this will never happen agian.. I can't imagine how he must be feeling today. Current Mood: Sad. Christmas makes everything twice as sad.

You know i should be angry and feeling a lot of negative emotions right now, but i am not.. i am just sad..i AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND I AM EVEN MORE GRATEFUL WHEN THEY GIVE ME THE SPACE I NEED TO CLEAR MY HEAD. when all i can see is people around me that love me and care about me, even the darkest days can not be the end of the line... It's just another corner in my life to turn, the only thing I am missing this holiday is my son, and I am sure the feeling is mutual... but I am working on changing that situation as soon as possible... for the rest of the people i actually need in my life, I'm going to have a happy holiday and trying and enjoy some of their brightness around my internal darkness. Current Mood: Sad. A collected poems' is either a gravestone or a testimonial to survival.

You know while i may despair sometimes i know in my heart what is the truth and what is a lie and a game to another person, but to put my little person through what you are supposedly doing is inhumane and I have to wonder what kind of crack you are on.. to do this to him... do you actually think that i would go away after you have done this us? I think maybe you'd think that i would do something stupid... newsflash, i'm not going anywhere ever. I'm a Warrior... it's all i know how to be.. I FIGHT, I rebel. this battle isn't about me.. it's not about you It's about him... and it's a very dangerous game you are playing.... I am not going anywhere ever... I will outlive all of my enemies and conquer... I have no choice that's just the way i'm built... and i have patience. Current Mood: Determined. I had to fight all my life to survive. They were all against me... but I beat the bastards and left them in the ditch.

I came very close to ending my own life last night, There is so much I don't understand right now... and I cannot imagine what my little boy is going thruough, if i had a gun it would be minus a bullet right now.. and the world would be without one more poet.... Of course i don't have a gun.. so the point is moot... and other than the fact that suicide is the cowards way out, and I am no coward it doesn't mean it hasn't been considered, but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, so Hulk Is the strongest of them all.... please inform me if i am turning green. I am getting to a point where it is becoming very difficult to deal with the world and my place in it... the fact is.. thanks to someone else's petty jealousy, greed and lust for revenge my place in this world is gone. one of the reasons i am going home to Windsor for a month is to recharge and go somewhere where i never needed you, there is a reason i call Windsor home. it is the only place i was ever comf

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't do something stupid and turn this whole battle into a pyschial one. the things that you have said are so fucking disgusting and disturbing it's like you are reading out of a fucking manual on how to destroy someone... but guess what... due to circumstances i am the strongest motherfucking person i know and i will never fucking back down. the m,ore games you play and the more lies that are told the worse in the end that you are going to fucking look. this is a game just like evey other time... i just have to sit pateintly and wait for you to continue your fucking horseshit. while you do that i'll wait and bide my time... this is the biggest battle of my life and lo and behold look who i am having it with.... you are not worth my time and the more i read of everything the more i understand this is for revenge... something i can and will never feel for you... only because of him. that being said.. i will fight you until my dying breath..

At least I have a small victory In the fact I am dropping off his gifts today.. at least he will get the things that have been bought for him.. I hope anyways... it's going to be a long and interesting day, and while i am somewhat disappointed in some things i can also see other things that i can do to make my life more positive.... It's telling when you are alone at the holiday who is around and wants you around and who doesn't. of course I'm used to this... it's not like i GIVE A DAMN...Come the new year i will be making some more changes to my life and anyone i deem expendable probably will be. whatever, Today i'm happy, but not as happy as i should be. Current Mood: Determined. She who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.

Today is going to be a long day that will strain my already infinitely small patience level to the brink... all i see and feel right now is anger and apathy, I just have to sit and wait and see what the next chess move is going to be.... i want to smash the board and change the rules but i know if i let myself be affected it is counterproductive and as long as i stay positive and think of him and the fact that one day, at the end of this.. there will be an ending... that is enough to keep my demons and and the angry and psychotic side of my dark personality at bay... it's better to keep my darkness under control lest someone use it to prove that I am whatever she says I am.... Current Mood: Determined. When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

I am not feeling this Joyous holiday at all... All i see is darkness and Anger and the fact that I am standing still while the world moves on without me.... It's just another Christmas where I am going to be alone because someone that I once held dear is so full of anger and betrayal that all she wants to do is prevent me from being with the one person that I hold dearest.. but that's OK.. because i'll just celebrate my Xmas with him later.. hopefully some kind of detente can be reached in relation to his birthday and Xmas presents.. but I don't care... the more things happen and the more times that goes by.. when I sit and reflect on everything I am not the fucking person wrong in the equation... and history will prove this to be true... till then Bah Humbug... I'm miserable at Christmas every year anyways.... she's just making it easier this year to be. Current Mood: Depressed. Madness is the emergency exit. You can just step outside, and close the door on al

Nothing like a wonderful weekend of being sick and not feeling a goddamn thing, I am trying to retain the positivity from last week, after all i have a little boy who just turned 8 and even tho things suck i should be celebrating, all i am doing is being an insomniac and being frustrated. I have not been able to keep anything heavier than rice down for days, and the last fucking thing i need is someone complaining to me about their petty little issues that they themselves are responsible for, you think you have a shitty life, look at mine i have real world problems i have to deal with, here's a shovel, you are responsible for the decisions you make in your life, don't come crying and complaining to me.... I don't have fucking time for the drama in your life because I have enough of it in my life... you can have an argument... i'm fighting a war for my heart, soul and career.. i don't need your shit dragging me down, especially this close to the fucking holidays, so

Another birthday for you tommorow, Holy Moly, 8 already, you are getting so big.... Daddy loves you so much, I know things are confusing right now but daddy is fighting very hard to make them change. just know this little man, I love you unconditionally and after all the anger and hurt is gone it's still going to be you and me...I Hope you have a good birthday, i wish i could be there.... there are some gifts from daddy here and Santa will still visit too... But we might have to wait a while... I'll make sure that you get your birthday cards soon. I love you. Current Mood: Happy 8th Birthday tommorow Joshua. Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy.

I'm still angry, but I am very aware of How much you fear me and how I can use that to my advantage, It's better to be feared that loved, and I for one do not Fear you and I never have, I fear the damage you are doing, but In terms of intimidation that's a one way street, you're decision to go unrepresented is a great idea and one I applaud as that will make it so much easier to expose you, it will take longer but It will prove your character to all parties involved. you're credibility is already shot, and the long you try and draw this out the longer you will lose even more credibility and i will be eventually vindicated. Unlike you who decided to announce your whole flawed Strategy plan in a open setting, I am keeping my cards very fucking close to the vest, and i assure you, if you are afraid now, you have no idea what ghosts i will dredge up from your past to haunt you, I have the upper hand and you know it, and I have had for quite some time.... you are afraid,

Actually it's more like round fucking seventeen, more of the same usual hysterics and nonsense from the opposing party... I cannot believe her fucking manipulative bitch ways.. it took all my manhood and all my strength not to go all Hannibal Lecter on her today and eat her fucking heart... the only problem with that is I am not entirely convinced she has one...I cannot believe i once referred to that disgusting sow as the love of my life. all she has ever wanted to do is take my heart and soul and destroy it, If I'd walked away she wouldn't have had that opportunity but of course I'm not like that... you want to get rid of my beating heart, and everything i feel.. you'll have to fucking kill me... until then I am going to use every fucking resource i have and never Fucking stop fighting, the saddest part is what Friday is, but of course, I'll still celebrate... the countdown begins to 8 to ten years till he can make his own decisions and decide for himself wh

Why does it seem that even the darkest of my days in Windsor and other places that I always had hope and that this is the first real time I am starting to looking into the void and see the sum of my life that has always been predetermined by others staring back at me.. and there is nothingness... I am not the sum of my life's experiences I am merely a broken vessel shaped by others.... Welcome to the Matrix.. there is No control... I have constantly had my life's choices dictated to me by other's and anytime i try and take the power of my destiny back other's attempt to destroy me... I have been down before but it seems recently I am constantly down... The lack of sleep, the anger, the depression that nightmare dreams.... all of this haunts me.. the little bit of positivity I CAN PRODUCE only goes in one direction and One cause... And it's time for me to step up my fucking game on that matter, this will be yet another birthday and Christmas I miss, another cherishe

The patience level for things is not very high right now, and it's not going to be any clearer come tommorow or wednesday.. it's time to light a fire under some people's asses. As sick of fighting as am i know that i have to continue to fight and battle because without that I am nothing and the darkness that prevails in my life wins... I'm not happy that my life is this way, but it has made me a warrior and a fighter and I am not someone that will ever fucking back down. time to prove that to some people.... and let the chips fall where they may. Current Mood: Sad. It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up. Fight one more round. When your arms are so tired that you can hardly lift your hands to come on guard, fight one more round. When your nose is bleeding and your eyes are black and you are so tired that you wish your opponent would crack you one on the jaw and put you to sleep, fight one more round ? remembering that the man who always

I am getting a little sick of being judged and losing so called long time friends because I don't always agree with them or their lifestyles or personalities, I have something more important to protect than being the drunk asshole on the corner playing guitar these days. if i don't agree with your lifestyle, behaviors or actions I am going to mention something about, Esp. if that particular behavior Involves me or someone around me... or could cause drama or harm to that person around me... everyone makes their own decisions in this life, but when you affect others sometimes you have to be pushed to the wayside.. for the friends that have left because you can't handle me that's fine too.. i'm the same person i ever was, and I won't change.. you either like me or you don't.. accept me for who i am and what i stand for unconditionally or fuck off.. I'm not going to change to please anyone, I just get darker and angrier the more people i see who say they a

the patience level for everything that has happened this year and certain people involved in the case are completely NIL. I should be looking forward to the new year with anticipation for the holidays instead of dreading spending any time with anyone because a significant part of my soul and personality is missing, I'm sick of the fact that someone thinks so highly of her self and so low of me that she has to treat a child like a possession and play dangerous games just to destroy me. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger, and you probably should not injure what you cannot kill. I am once again stuck under multitudes of legal nonsense and red tape that accomplishes nothing in the end, because this will happen again and again and again, i just wish he didn't need to suffer through it as much as he has... it's never been about me and you, it's never going to be about me and you... the day you realize is the day you will realize what you have left behind... and t

You know even in my saddest days it's not me I'm thinking about, But instead i am wondering... What the hell is that little boy feeling, how confused he must be and Why would his mother do this to him, Maybe one day all of our questions will be answered but i have this weird feeling like everything else in the one sided relationship i had with his mother, all questions will be left unanswered except the ones she can dictate to him. She wants control she can have it... I'm never going to try controlling anyone, least of all my own son... one day he will figure her out and all the damage she has caused....and that will be vindication enough... I guess. Current Mood: Sad, Determined. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

There are days when i am reminded of little things that mean a lot to me and i get very sad with all the nonsense in my life, I still push forward but some days like today, especially on a weekend where it is getting very fucking hard to do so.. i know one day that their will be an end to this dark tunnel and I will eventually see some daylight, but Today... I'm just not seeing it. at least i got to see an old friend, and she made me smile. Current Mood: Tired, Sad. You know the real meaning of PEACE only if you have been through the war.

I know that the time is getting closer and it's time to start making further preparations to change my life and the current circumstances. I can't deny my life has been toxic to those around me.. but the real people that are still standing tall at the end of the day are the ones that matter... and anyone that can't be bothered to stand behind me... can fall down by the wayside and be forgotten. It's time for this pain and anger and hatred to end.. i'm not the one hurting the most out of this, i'm not doing this for revenge or anything.. there is only one important factor here. Current Mood: Determined. Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.

I'm fucking done waiting around waiting for things to be handed to me without effort. I cannot let order be the apathy be the order of the the day, it's time to get my child and my life back. I have worked too fucking hard to let the world silently destroy me because of my lack of action, there is only so long i can sit around at home and wonder what might have been. i am a man of action and anger and I am not one to sit around and not do anything, it feels for the last few months i have been silently brooding, waiting for something to change... well fuck that.... it's time for me to make it change... Any means necessary. Current Mood: Determined, Angry. In war, there are no unwounded soldiers.

It's time that i start being proactive with all aspects of everything going around me and start brining an iron hand down on things that are out of my control that I can start to control, I am beyond fucking pissed off and waiting on someone to do nothing and being patient is no longer working. Fuck Defense, it's time to a more vigorous offensive strategy. It's time to push people, I'm sick of being pushed it's time to push back. it saddens me that some of my demons i have kept bottled up for so longer might as well should have not been left buried, it would have been better to be the feral street kid that i never really let go of until i met the psychotic in st. catherines and tried to better myself, A less trusting more street hardened warrior would have never trusted a woman like her. It's time to use all available weapons i have available to me to mount a counter offensive and start taking the battle to her.. I will use all the knowledge in this big brain o

It's time to focus and deal with shit instead of sitting around in the dark and being alternatively angry and depressed. I am a fist and I need to start smashing things to make change and force people to do things that are needed instead of being fucking patient and expecting them to just happen. there's no point in the longer waiting to hope everything will be alright, when the reality is the fact that things will not be alright the longer I let things just simmer below the surface, It's time for a reckoning and it's times for the things and people that are wrong to be proven that they are wrong and it's time to take my fucking life back. Current Mood: Angry. Life doesn't run away from nobody. Life runs at people...

There are days when you can literally not feel anything. I am sick of sitting around and not feeling a damn thing, I would rather be motivated by anger and depression than not motivated by anything, I did not see myself being 35 and desolate, I might as well be living on the streets and not giving a damn about myself, I saw some old friends from my old life recently and I honestly wonder what's so great about my life that I left that all behind.... Sure I don't miss the jail and the starving everyday parts, but what have i really accomplished by going to school and attempting to start a better life for myself... Instead I'm guilty of something I haven't done and I have lost everything, My world is more than a little bleak, it is complete darkness... and it's going to stay that way for a while. Current Mood: Nothing... at all. Honour the dead but Fight like hell for the living.

I am seriously Considering being a little more militant in the things that i believe in this week and attending something for Kids in care in queens park. i have submitted my unpublished essays and i have some intention of going to queens park to be a voice for the voiceless. even tho i have personal turmoil i almost wonder if it's worth it for me to still battle for the rights of others when it seems my own personal life is approaching destruction, of course all i need to do is see the eventual day i will be vindicated and continue to make steps towards that resolution, the only person that can truly defeat me is me... and that is never going to fucking happen. Current Mood: Determined. This is the strangest life I've ever known.

I am very lucky to have very supportive and loving people in my life and sometimes i think that i don't deserve to have those people in my life... but I know that in times of strife and fucking war that these people will stand behind me even when I am staring into the darkness and it is close to overtaking me, for that I thank you, you people know exactly who you are, the more i sit and swell and brood on things i also realize that this was done because of a back door to a police enforceable order and it is a way of eliminating me from the picture, there is only only problem with the situation, A judge is going to see that and realize she's just playing games, that's all she did in my relationship with her anyways, this weekend made me realize how much my family means to me and how much of an attack this is on them as much as it is on me, there is no reason why my life should be this way, I worked too fucking hard to achieve my goals for some selfish bitch to destroy them.

You know it's not surprising the old security blanket, the Cobian jacket has come out of the closet once again in all this nonsense for days I go busking, It reminds me, that as much as i have tried to be for the past decade what counts as fucking baseline normal, i'm not, the normal guy never got the girl, the normal guy never had the fire in his eyes to fight back, what got me through college and my first two years of university wasn't the normal guy, I was hungry for revenge, I was hungry for change, back then i wanted to make change, I allowed myself and the people around me to shape me, make me a shadow of what I once was, would the pre-94,98/99,and 2002/3 versions of myself consider the person i was the last few years as anything more that a fat bloated sell out, I changed because OF A PERSON I NO LONGER HAD BUT ONE CONNECTION too. and there was no reason for the change, I stayed at a shit job, because i figured it was the one thing keeping her at bay.... but of cour

I know that I am an asshole and I can be a jerk, but I also know that their are reasons for my actions and I don't treat maliciously unless they have given me a damn good reason.... I'm am sick of watching the world spin without me.. and I am sick of the fact that I am in a downward spiral out of No fault of my own... for my friends that are around thanks, for the ones that ain't Fuck you. for the Psychotic in St. Catherine's, I hope you DIE!!!! I was good enough for you to fall in Love with twice but not good enough for you to stick around? yet out of some sense of misguided revenge years later you plan to destroy all that I am? The last six months have been a trial by fire, and I truly appreciate who I am, the fact that I will not retreat when I take a stand and all of my friends and Social Supports that stand behind me, Instead of the ones that fell by the wayside because their own interests Came first.... Here's a toast to my former Employer for being such Stan

What Defines me? Is it my actions? Or is it the fact that my upbringing sucked? once upon a time i was defined as many things, A former crown ward, a street kid, a teacher, a child and youth worker, a father, a partner, and an asshole. None of it matters because at the beginning and end of every day all I am is a product of the system, Once a long time ago between 1997 and 2002 that was fuel. I had move past that at one point i had thought, But of course not because the longer I sit around and try to improve my life the More the system wants to drag me down into Dante's inferno... My accomplishments are meaningless as long as my past is more important.... Today, This week, I change that. Current Mood: Determined. The only crime I been convicted of is fighting; getting into a fight with my fears.

Another day of going through the motions towards a resolution, but today advances me a few steps more forward to the actual end of this battle. One more thing i'm required to do for the courts is done, and while it was boring as fuck.. it's done. as i sat in the courtroom i recollected all the things i had done and felt stronger about what i'm going to do.. there's no reason for me to have any remorse or regret about her, and there's no point dwelling on it... i've already made a vow to myself never to speak to her agian, and while i may be angry there's no point in ever allowing her to have any space in my emotions agian. it's time to be cool and hard and cunning like i know how to be. i've turned into her instead of being compassionate and having feeling and trying to feel what she feels, but right now, if i have to hate to bring forth the anger then let it be. it's better than feeling nothing. The process has begun and it is fueled by a lot m

Sometimes it's easier to let the darkness creep in and overtake you or have the Void in your life complete embrace you and draw you down... I'm not that person, Yes I am getting Angreier and progessively darker towards my outlook on the world recently. But I am not dwelling on small things like some so called freinds that are pissing me off. I may hate the world, women and everything in it.. But i have some very valid fucking reasons for doing so.. Seeing freinds Whining about the situations they put themselves in like it's the end of the world, is a fucking joke... I cannot do anything about my situation because i am not the vindictive asshole that started that process, But I am fighting a war on 2 fronts for both the future of my child, my relationship with him and My soul. when i hear someone complaining about their pathetic little life and going woe is me, I'm going to harm myself because of fucking woman you've known a few days, It is increasingly clear to me

I have to start being positive and keeping the fires stoked and getting things done, I went for lunch with my sister today and wandered around toys r us, sometimes it's not worth always staring into the darkness, sometimes you have to let the sunshine come into your life and focus on the things that need to be done.. wallowing in anger, depression and despair will only turn inward... and I need to focus that energy outward so things get dealt with. Current Mood: Positive. The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.

Nothing like having a great time with people i consider family and just hanging out and doing the trick or treat thing and then just chilling all day.... I'm pretty happy and positive right now and the darkness isn't creeping back in yet, it was a good idea to get away and I am seriously considering leaving Hamilton at the end of this ordeal as I am a different person when I am elsewhere, it's somewhat obvious to me that a dark cloud hangs over my head living here, but right now there's no dark cloud because a little fairy princess says to me as i'm getting to leave yesterday... "i'm gonna come visit so your House isn't empty." made my day and probably my month... it's nice to know with everything going on that there are people that care about me and that even a little person who has no idea of the darkness in this world and what I'm dealing with is thoughtful enough to say that to.. sometimes a little sunlight does shine through. My heart

I had an awesome night last night and it was great to spend some time with a little pumpkin, I am reminded of all my good qualities and I am legitimately happy which is rare these days. sometimes just getting away for a day is all that is needed. maybe i should go to windsor and get away this month while the weather is good. It's nice to not have this perpetual darkness over my head and a smiling happy face is all that's needed to do that some times. Current Mood: Happyish. The force is strong with this one.

it's not going to be the same as last year but hopefully it's a happy memory for someone else anyways, at least i am hoping so... i think it's so mean that this is yet another year i won't be sharing this with my son, because it's obviously a chore for her and she detests the fact that me and him find it fun and i am willing to go the extra mile and dress up as one of his favorite things.... guess what, this year i'm doing it for another loved one to ease the sting.. and you can't stop me from doing it.... but when it comes to destroying my relationships not involving you, you can't.. they are and I am stronger than you... So i'm going to be happy and spend time with an oldest friend and take someone else trick or treating, but if i had my way, my little man would be making this trip with me. Current Mood: Sad. The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but rising every time we fall.

Today is one of those days where while there are a lot of things that bother me in this world, and there are indeed a lot of fucking assholes out there walking around on this planet, sometimes a little light can shine thru... maybe for a few days i can escape all the apathy and pain and depression and go have fun with the oldest friend, but it doesn't compare to having my little sidekick going with.. those two are little peas in a pod and I know when i get there that she is gonna to miss him and that sucks. Current Mood: Hopeful. For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else.

It's not so much the waiting that does me in but the fact that day after endless day nothing seems to change and it seems like I am retreating every time just to keep exactly what I have. the world seems to me like a giant ashtray and i can't see past tommorow but I know I have been down before and One day i will be able to overcome this and i will remember it for what it was.. another challenge in a lifetime of challenges... this isn't one i created but it one i will defeat. i can only let her venom sting me as long as i want it to.. one day when this is all said and done their will be a reckoning and it will not come from me.... when i lose hope, when i stare into the void and think that I'm going to embrace the darkness, it pays to remember that. Current Mood: Angst. I feel as if I were a piece in a game of chess, when my opponent says of it: That piece cannot be moved

Another day and i still find my patience is being tested by the abject failure of nothing, I need to overcome this apathy and anger and turn it into something positive or i will end up staring very deep into the darkness and it will overwhelm me and i will turn cold and black hearted and it will affect everyone around me. I have to make sure that i never fall that dark and deep into depression that i lose focus of what's at stake and what needs to be done... No matter how much i'm hurting i know there is someone out there that is probably hurting a lot more... and that's not fucking fair to him. for his sake i have to be the strongest man i know, and you know something... whatever she does to me that doesn't kill me.. will make me stronger. Current Mood: Still depressed. Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.

There are days when I find it very hard to get up in the morning and force myself to feel anything.Today is one of those days, I know that i have shit to do and accomplish and all i want to do is sit around and accomplish nothing and stop giving a fuck about the world. I can't feel a goddamn thing but anger and hatred and while i know in my mind that these are not positive emotions i still feel them, and i am starting to hate and loathe everything. all i can do is focus on the upcoming battle and watch the days slowly move past as nothing fucking changes. I can't see a future because all the promise that i had s gone... it's time for me to mean, it's time for me to be viscous and unrelenting.. it's time to fucking serve her with the exact same degree of injustice she has served to me. my life is currently pointless and i can't feel a damn thing, yet she has done this to me purposely.... out of hate and revenge... i don't know what i ever did... but I do know

Thoughts are Done being collected and The time to start with offensive fucking actions is now. there is no reason for me to wallow in depression and pain all weekend long and just feel like the hurt is never going to end. I am stronger than this and I will survive. I know who and what I am and there is no reason for me to see the darkness. it's time to take everything that has been thrown at me over this year of hell and turn it back on the ones that have caused it. I have enough to say and i am good enough advocate for me and my child that it is time to prepare to do war. there has been a lot of saber rattling and a lot of intimidation, None of it coming from me... don't get me me wrong i know how to be intimidating, but it will be my actions and not my words that win this battle... as long as i hold my head up high and don't descend to your level I will eventually see the right outcome. it's sad that everything recently has more to do with your hate for me, and i susp

The End Begins, It's time for the games to fucking stop, for Once you do the unpredictable thing and get a lawyer but predictably you didn't bother with the other thing expected of you.. of course we are not surprised. There is/was a reason i was waiting till today to write the letter and Now I have a little more ammunition to use to prove who I am and what I'm not... It's going to be very interesting to watch you in court seeing how you make my stubbornness look agreeable... but it's not about you or I is it.. It never has been, i wonder how much you will cry fucking pauper this time around, even tho for the short term you have destroyed my fucking career, trust me I will be using my resources and my family and friends to prove the kind of man I am... and I am not what you are pretending me to be. It's not enough to take my education, or for me too wallow in poverty for 2+ years in Niagara.. Once i made something of myself in the world you decided you would tak

It's time for wastefulness of the tired tragedy of the last six months to end, i am in the process of writing the war manifesto and collecting my thoughts into one single cohesive weapon to be used against those who have wronged me and to prove exactly what is right and wrong in this world... it was nice to spend the weekend around family and it did help to lift my spirits but it also confirmed my resolve to have an ending, i can't wait any longer to regain my life, I can't sit by painlessly and pretend everything is alright in this world, with myself, with my son, within the system i work in, Once i am vindicated and my name is clear i will have some tough choices to make both personally and professionally... there are other options out there, maybe with the shock to the system the last six months has been it's time to analyze some of them and deal with them, i can't be frustrated constantly by the fact i went to school for a better life and that has in the short t

There is only so much patience i can have at this point and the fact that i am sitting down to thanksgiving dinner tonight minus one very important member of the family is very sad... this is the second major holiday and the entire summer of hell was a waste.. It's time to stop riding waves of apathy and pull myself up by the bootstraps, strap on some ammunition and go after these fucking assholes full tilt, I gotta quit thinking about doing something and actually do something.. the longer i wait the easier it will be for others to continue to destroy me... it's time for action. i'm sick of feeling all this painb when i should be happy, i've worked hard i deserve to be happy instead of having the same person constantly shoving the knife into my back each time picking a diffrent rib until she get's to the heart. Current Mood: Angry. You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind.

I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for the end to come, it's time for me to take charge of my life and retake control.. I am starting to see a lot of people for exactly what they are and I am starting to figure out what is in my best interest... battle lines are drawn and I will fight this battle with my dying breath as hard as i can possibly battle.. but when a million questions are to be raised and it just makes my resolve against the system stronger it's time to make sure i'm not the only person listening. Current Mood: Angry. We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.

I am sick of playing Spy vs. Spy agianst what is essantantly an invisible enemy that does not care about me or my child, nothing is going to happen for 2 more weeks, so i am sitting around and brooding... in a perfect world this would still be 2002 and i would still be in Windsor and i would have left better off alone and never said goodbye, it would have left her wondering and the pain would still be there, but she wouldn't have had something to destroy me with and she could have died alone and a spinster all on her own... Why do people seek to pull other people down into their misery? isn't it better to be alone than to bring someone down to your level.. the only fact being is that a day will come, this will be remembered but i will rise above it and remeber, as i have been so recently reminded, This will always be a war. Current Mood: Depressed. A lie is a lie. Just because they write it down and call it history doesn't make it the truth. We live in a world where seeing

There comes a time in ones life when there is a place he can no longer stand to hide behind all the lies and half truths of the system, It is time for some changes to be happening and while it is currently both political and personal for me the longer i sit around and dwell on my experinces the darker it makes me.. i can only stay as angry as i am and play shadow games with the people for only so long... it's time for me to pretend like I give a damn and put some thing's into motion. it's time I fight back.. with laser precision. Current mood: Determined. We are all pretty bizarre, some people are just better at showing it.

I have always tried to use my darkness to fight other darkness's in the world and validate the fact that i may have a little evil in me, but most of me was inherently good, I am not so sure of that anymore. as i stare into the void once more i realize how easily my vices and old nasty habits could over take me.. the violent side i have taken years to fucking control and the person who desires revenge were once buried deep within me... with everything that has happened those emotions are no longer buried as deep. as i sit here brooding staring into dark masks of emotions surrounded by people i do not know i wonder, was it worthwhile to make any attachments in this life.. what have i brought my child into if his life is going to be as tragic and as flawed as mine... and i have no one to thank for that but you.. I hope at the end of the day your are satisfied with your minor victory and the damage it will cause. Current mood: Brooding. Current Music: Go To Hell, Megadeth In normal ti