Return To Big Nothing...

2 am my time and I am sitting talking to friends about the current situation and what is going on in my life.. and If i question God for my place in this fucking world... My answer is yes... I question everything... When I meet My maker before he sends me into the firey pit he will Have a lot to fucking answer for, And by the way I'm bringing ammunition....I'd have faith If he had ever given me a reason to.. but when every day is as bleak as the day before and the only thing i have to fuckin look forward to is the relationships i have forged thru the fire and flame of my life, I have No need to have Faith In anyone By myself, My freinds and My family...There's No Reason to belive that My soul can be saved.... OR any reason to want it to be saved.... The One Sin i didn't commit will not be the one that Damns me in the next Life...but it will damn someone else... but there is no fucking way you will ever see me repentant even at death, I will face my maker Fully armed, I intend to make Him answer for His crimes. I know that it is my anger that fuels me most of the time, I have to see the word in a blood red mask for it to make sense, But i have known peace, but that's something I've found for myself, not something anyone's ever fucking given me.....I may be a demon... but there was good inside me once.

Current Mood: Angry.
Current Music: Within Temptation, Iron.
I caught a glimpse of heaven once. The angels showed me. The idea was I'd kill for them. Clean up thier mistakes on Earth. Eventually redeem myself. Tried it. Didn't like it. Told them where to stick it.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Return To The Abyss.

If anyone thinks they can take advantage of me and the people I care about, they are sadly mistaken. I walk away from people I love because of their bullshit. Someone who is merely there in my life? Yeah, I’m fucking out. I don’t need emotional vampires that suck me dry in my life. I will walk away from anything and everything at this point. I no longer give a damn about anything other than myself when it comes to your opinion. This decision and many others have been a long fucking time coming and to be honest I’m better off doing my own thing alone and solo. Because it’s better off for all involved. There’s still a temper and there is still the old me hidden underneath this attempt at seeking peace. I’m not a nice guy, I’ve never claimed to be a nice guy. And I’m not keeping my fucking mouth shut. No one fucking uses me, Period. And thats all I’ve felt I’ve been over the last few years. By a number of people in my professional life and my personal life. So maybe at this mom...

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