Return To Big Nothing...

2 am my time and I am sitting talking to friends about the current situation and what is going on in my life.. and If i question God for my place in this fucking world... My answer is yes... I question everything... When I meet My maker before he sends me into the firey pit he will Have a lot to fucking answer for, And by the way I'm bringing ammunition....I'd have faith If he had ever given me a reason to.. but when every day is as bleak as the day before and the only thing i have to fuckin look forward to is the relationships i have forged thru the fire and flame of my life, I have No need to have Faith In anyone By myself, My freinds and My family...There's No Reason to belive that My soul can be saved.... OR any reason to want it to be saved.... The One Sin i didn't commit will not be the one that Damns me in the next Life...but it will damn someone else... but there is no fucking way you will ever see me repentant even at death, I will face my maker Fully armed, I intend to make Him answer for His crimes. I know that it is my anger that fuels me most of the time, I have to see the word in a blood red mask for it to make sense, But i have known peace, but that's something I've found for myself, not something anyone's ever fucking given me.....I may be a demon... but there was good inside me once.

Current Mood: Angry.
Current Music: Within Temptation, Iron.
I caught a glimpse of heaven once. The angels showed me. The idea was I'd kill for them. Clean up thier mistakes on Earth. Eventually redeem myself. Tried it. Didn't like it. Told them where to stick it.

Comments

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Villian

I've never gave a rats ass about being the bad guy. But I have cared about being a fairweather freind and how I reflect on being a role model to my son. I will walk away from any bad actors or bad relationships that endanger the relationship I am slowly attempting to rebuild. I know I can be a prick. But when you hurt someone I care about, I do not trust you that you may affect those I care about. I burn bridges with gasoline while I'm standing upon them. It wont be the first multiple decade freindship ive demolished, it won't be the last. Im starting to reevaluate a lot of drinking buddies agian to see who is actually something and who I just party with. If I'm obviously moving in a direction thats going to have me ghosting someone whose been around for a minute, so be it. It wont even be the first one this year. I dont look back. And I dont care, if I exclude you from my life, thats an ending that's where its done. I am making choices for my future and its pret...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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