Return To Big Nothing...

2 am my time and I am sitting talking to friends about the current situation and what is going on in my life.. and If i question God for my place in this fucking world... My answer is yes... I question everything... When I meet My maker before he sends me into the firey pit he will Have a lot to fucking answer for, And by the way I'm bringing ammunition....I'd have faith If he had ever given me a reason to.. but when every day is as bleak as the day before and the only thing i have to fuckin look forward to is the relationships i have forged thru the fire and flame of my life, I have No need to have Faith In anyone By myself, My freinds and My family...There's No Reason to belive that My soul can be saved.... OR any reason to want it to be saved.... The One Sin i didn't commit will not be the one that Damns me in the next Life...but it will damn someone else... but there is no fucking way you will ever see me repentant even at death, I will face my maker Fully armed, I intend to make Him answer for His crimes. I know that it is my anger that fuels me most of the time, I have to see the word in a blood red mask for it to make sense, But i have known peace, but that's something I've found for myself, not something anyone's ever fucking given me.....I may be a demon... but there was good inside me once.

Current Mood: Angry.
Current Music: Within Temptation, Iron.
I caught a glimpse of heaven once. The angels showed me. The idea was I'd kill for them. Clean up thier mistakes on Earth. Eventually redeem myself. Tried it. Didn't like it. Told them where to stick it.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

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