It's Very hard to continue to care and Do exactly what is right when Every time I do so, I get knocked down..... of course No one every taught me to stay Down, A lifetime of being Restrained both physically and mentally and then forced to do the same to other kids against my will, will do that. I Don't back down. I don't Know how to lose. there is no other option than to move forward. my only problem is that i can see the pit within and without.... I loved the woman once why the fucking hell would she put me and my son thru this hell? Do you actually want my boy to suffer thru some kind of hell similar to the one that I went thru? You Know everything, i told you everything heart and soul, and yet you wait years to use it as weapon on me? was this always the plan......to eliminate me? that will never happen... I'll fight you with my dying breath, and you will never be strong enough to defeat me.... I will not let his life be full of you and your lies.... there is so much more out there for him to experience....but you deny him those things... I don't think that this is anything new, I wrote lamentations on my son in 05, you've always tried to take him away from me.... first you hide his birth, then you try to get me to abandon my life 300 miles to be your perfect little husband.... I had roots there, the person I became there was never going to change, then you kick me out for not being up to your pathetic higher standard on new years eve, not surprising I'm used to fucking being abandoned into the winter cold.. it only makes me stronger.... and then the years of war... You had cost me my academic career, one in which i have attempted to resurrect on two separate occasions and you knew this, so you took that away too. that wasn't enough you had to be the master chess master and cost me my relationship with my son, my job and my career in one feel swoop, It's easy for you because you don't have any emotions.... If i am a psychopath then what would that make you? I have nothing left to give but my soul and that is the only person that can truly judge me... when i enter the gates of hell for my other sins I almost wonder will I be pardoned for the Sin I did not commit, and I know that unlike you I will not be cast into the pit reserved for betrayers.... this has never been about you and and me.. this has always been about Him and it will continue to be so.. till the day I die... I don't know how to stay down... I don't know how to accept defeat... and I will never cower Below you in this life... Doing so now would only give you control over both me and him, and I refuse to give you control.... I often wonder what happens when you get tired of him being an accessory to your life and you abandon him... will he end up in the system forgotten, just like I was? or would you do it deliberately? that being your ultimate Revenge?
Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: Rammstein, Du hast
You see, it's the slow knife, the knife that takes its time, the knife that waits years without forgetting, then slips quietly between the bones. That's the knife that cuts deepest.
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