War Journal III: The War Continues.

I am so fucking sick of fighting, I am fighting merely to fight agian at this point, Why should I fight these battles.. I could simply walk away from my son and be a deadbeat dad as leave and go somewhere else like Vancouver, Victoria or Windsor and be done with this bullshit.... I am seriously questioning why I leave myself in This place constantly fighting an up hill battle that I am not going to win.. I know at the end of all this no matter the Outcome it will be worth it.. but I don't know how to give up even when i want to stop Fighting... it's in the blood.... There is No option but to continue fighting as I feel I will never ever give up.. but you know sometimes when you are fighting a losing battle a tacticalretreat may be the best thing... Leave the Hot zone and just wait and bide my time and let the enemy defeat itself.. of course doing that Sacrifes a lot of who and what I am and a lot of what I belive In.. I can weather this storm...It's just so damned tiring.. But i was never one for taking the fucking easy way out...It would just be too damned easy... and There is no getting rid of me.. Not as long as I still draw Breath.. the Only way to ever Stop me from fighting for the things I love and believe In Is to Kill me.. and No one is strong enough to do that.

Current Mood: Angry
Give me a minute, I'm good. Give me an hour, I'm great. Give me six months, I'm unbeatable.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog