There are places i am willing to go that most people won't follow... It's hard to be a package of rage and to deal with it quietley and silently with all kinds of pain, one of the few things that actually brings me happiness is shit all over by someone who reaps the benefits of, It's time for me to be exploring options once agian, I can't continue to feel like a fucking prisoner in my own life.. it's not my fucking problem if their are financial issues, In fact maybe like every fucking other thing that has affected me over the last year if you'd have been upfront about them instead of going to for the quick buck I might have had my reservations, and now I feel fucking trapped... even worse than i did this time last year, and last year I was facing the Choice of being homeless with all my shit stored... and you were a last minute hail mary, sometimes i almost wonder if it's worth it swallowing my pride and going to see the person I hate more in the entire world and making amends, I'll never do that, but days like today make me think sometimes it's fucking worth it.. I am No one's father but one..AND I AM No one's Husband... i am am sick of emotionally being felt like one... i get nothing from the equation, It's time for me to make decisions that affect me myself and Eye.. no one else... 2000 Stan's on the radio and I'm hating everyone I live with, Now it's 2013 and I'm doing the same damn thing with the 2nd Marshall Mather's LP... at least back then I had her, and It used to mean fucking something...and I had college and i hadn't been torn down into a half a man.... that's really the only thing keeping me In Hamilton or anywhere in Ontario... the fact it's just too damn hard to escape without tearing the one thing left inside of me that keeps me whole..the only thing makes tomorrow Visible... the only goddamn I miss, I have a scorched earth policy to my life and I have no fucking problem walking away from everything and anything I care about, i always have when a better fucking option has came along... there is only one thing keeping me grounded here in this place and In this part of the world, when all of your hopes and dreams have been destroyed you start looking inward into yourself and seeing yourself being corrupted and manipulated and darker than you have been in a long time.. It's time to have teeth and show them fangs again, I used to have an edge that was sharp as a knife and now I'm a hollow shell in comparison...sick of trying to slow my life down and being part of society.. I am a weapon and I need to be fucking aimed, sitting around trying to preserve the illusion of nothing important in my life is making me even more useless than i have ever been. it's time for me to be something else.. Someone else.. Someone I used to be... The Return to darkness begins now, but the reality is i entered the darkness when I came back here in 2008, there's nothing here for me.. this part of my life ended in the 90's why the Fuck did I return, I left, Never looked back, should have kept it that way, no I feel like I'm imprisoned in Barton again, wait, i take that back, in Barton No one would tell me what the fuck to do, and Wouldn't steal my fucking food.. I wouldn't be risking my life and the soul of my son's on other's fucking bullshit... that should have been made clear instead of game playing, I roll the dice and see where things end up but the comfort level is gone... It's never really been there.. I have always made choices with my heart and sometimes it just backfires, sometimes people use that to drive the fucking knife thru..I'm not sure where i am going to be tomorrow... I'm just getting fed up with everything in my life, I am fighting fucking battles I don't need to. and the important ones are the only ones i should be fucking focused on, when something becomes a distraction causing damage to my life i leave it and I walk away... I need my fucking mental head space.. not driven increasingly to a mental breakdown... it's time to be me... and Only me.. I haven't fucking changed, I just pretended to... It's time to drop the illusion and be who I need to be in every aspect of my life... at the beginning and and at the end of my life I'm gonna be the asshole flying the one finger salute to anyone who crossed me or pissed me off.. My darkness helps me deal and my darkness is the place i can fucking Go when I need to be alone... I didn't stare into the void and let it stare it back, i fucking embraced it like an old lover and let it be part of me and make me whole.... At least In my darkness I can be alone and angry and rage and not be judged, friends are just people that haven't stabbed you in the back yet... yet i can see the blood on the ground... it's not about me tho.. making my choices and decisions of late has been all for him, and I can't be in a place where i am choosing between the thing that is keeping me fed and the roof over my head... places to live are a dime a dozen I'm used to walking away from every place that has ever given me fucking comfort... what makes you think I'm about to stop now?
it's about the person I am, she couldn't change me... No one will. Once upon a time i thought i wanted to settle down and put down roots, but that street is engulfed in flames and i have only saved a few ashes that i was able to after that was taken from me.. the other things that brought me comfort in the hellhole of this city have both been stripped away from my bones... all that's left is the marrow... the question begs, when i walk away for fucking good once again, will anyone Miss me.. i fucking doubt it. it's time to go back to being that guy, that would pull a knife at a moments hesitation and wouldn't back down from a physical fight.. I need to find my fucking killer instinct again, the anger is still there but buried.. I need my fangs back.. I need to stop pretending there is light at the end of the tunnel... at the end of the day, the truth is out there.. the Only One that gives a damn about me is me, But that's ok I'm Used to being the fucking Bad Guy. The Villain is always much more INTERESTING GIVEN HIS TRAGIC BACK STORY.
Current Mood: Angry, disillusioned.
Current Music: Monster(feat. Rihanna), Eminem.
Victory goes to the one who has no thought of himself.
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