Escalation IV....Path Of Destruction.

I am losing my Mind, and starting to make plans to say it all and stop pretending like I fucking care about anything in this world... I don't care and the longer i sit there and get fucking abused by the fucking world it makes me wonder if I still have a place in it... There is no Point to having any sort of material ownership because people are fucking jealous and will use any opportunity to steal everything for you, I worked my ass off the last few years to get and DO stuff that mother fucking needed to be done.. And for what... to be used and discarded at the earliest fucking opportunity...I'm sick of the fucking storm and worse than that I'm sick of watching my life and watching shattered pieces of it lie at my feet bleeding.... I can see that it would be so much easier to fucking walk away than to deal with any of that shit.. I can't feel anything but fucking Numb right now... Fucking bitch A damages my life and takers everything away.. and then this other bitch destroys what's left? i wasn't even fucking dating her... she was just someone i rented from. Now i've lost everything.... that's ok I've been thru this path of fucking destruction before... and I don't mind.. because i know how to keep my mouth shut and brood and be angry... I know what the next step is.... patience.. I'm just running out of it.

Current Mood: Angry, Depressed, Sad.
Current Music: My Friend of Misery, Metallica.
Despair is anger with no place to go.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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