Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

And a new chapter in my life begins, I have made many of the last attempts I’m am going to make for a very long time. The next eight months I’m going to do my best to move on because I won’t be asking any questions until the promised time. I’m done. True Color’s were always shown despite the years false promises. That’s always the way. It’s only been 19 years since everything turned to ash for the last time. Not my choice and not my decisions. I just had to go into Phoenix mode and do what I always do and dance in the flames and be reborn. You know there is a difference between silence and anger. But at the end of the day all I want is peace in my life and if that means I have to completely ignore someone because of her fucking actions I can drop you cold like you never existed. I don’t play games like I’m a child anymore and I don’t do fucking drama. I don’t cause my own and I wouldn’t bring it to your doorstop the way you did mine either.  But agian, one of us needs to fucking grow u

I enjoy my life and live, I’m not miserable and I don’t have drama in my life. I don’t have to look over my shoulder and second guess everything. I’m just happy and I’m at peace, so I just live. I have fun with those I care about and I see where life takes me. That’s all I need.

I’m not the one that cheated. I’m only the villain in your story because that’s how you justify it. I know at some level that you care about my feelings because you hide the knife now, but your unintentional behaviours still fucking hurt me. You always make me out to be the villain and the bad guy when it’s you’re choices that are digging the hole. That’s fine. I like being the bad guy. Means I don’t have to make excuses when the time comes. The villain is always the more interesting character anyways. Oh, and I am a very interesting character. Or have you forgotten.  There’s not even angry anymore, just an apathy, and a little sadness that you are still the person that you are. That’s ok, I’m not the person I was. At least one of us showed improvement. I just had to lose everything multiple times first. That’s all on you.  Now I won’t let you in enough for that to happen and I’m perfectly happy with that situation. These walls have been built by pain for decades. You turned the boy th

I’m not a complete idiot, just a mostly Idiot. Certain behaviours only present when you have someone in your life and you are trying to keep up appearance’s. I wish you could be honest with me but I know you can’t. And I think all I am to you in this life now is an afterthought. You don’t care about my feelings. I didn’t know I had any feelings. You don’t care about how your actions and behaviours affect me or him, you just care about the moment and immediate gratification. Meanwhile I’m not the miserable one with drama and rumours in my life. I grew up a long time ago. You forced me to. You have never and will never grow up.  I may be done fighting but I’m also not a fucking fool. At least this time it wasn’t a fools errand. It’s always worth it to try. But it wasn’t the only reason I went to the tower and it was fun anyways.  But I wish you would be honest and not lie to me, esp around the holidays. But I think you are so lost inside yourself that you don’t know how to do that anymor

It’s been a long time since you were a person that I merely cared enough about to simply not want you to stop breathing. However with each following disappointment from every damn attempt I ever make. I’m convinced that it is easier for me to fly solo on my path and consider you dead and gone anyways. There are days I think all I am is your albatross.  And you’ve placed that around my neck because it’s all that you have left to hold onto. That’s unfair. You had and made your choice. Now I’m the least worse option and you’re keeping me on fucking standby? Homie don’t play dat.  I tried, I tried for you and I tried for my kid. I always answer the phone and I always listen, but I wish you would understand how much of that is based on a promise and why I can’t never not answer. But that would require you to be empathetic and actually care about my fucking feelings. I didn’t know I had any feelings. They usually get so buried within that I don’t reveal any of my playing cards. I think I may

There are few days I am truly at peace with you. Today is one of them. I truly don’t want to ever fight agian with you. But I will always leave the door open on Christmas Day. This is one of our only good moments. No one can take that away. The door is open figuratively and physically. I am here. I’m not going anywhere. Dinner is offered as well. You may get my peace today, even when there are times that I am angry. But that has more to do with him than it will ever do with you. I just don’t want to fight our never ending battle on the one day of the year when someone else matters more. I’ll make this offer every fucking year if I have to. It will always be peace. It will always mean more than you and I.  And that’s the problem it always should have meant more than you and I. But those were you’re Choices. Not mine.  The reservation is booked, it’s your decision whether or not you show up.  That’s your decison, mine is to always try. No matter what it costs me. That’s what you do when

Has anything you've done made your life better? No one is going to save you except for yourself. It doesn’t matter if I keep a hand in your life or I don’t. All of these people you reach out for help it doesn’t matter unless you change you’re behaviour and have a valid and not toxic support system. But that begins and ends with me and only me. And you fucking know it.  Why do you think you’re always drawn to coming back to me, all you are is an anchor in my life. The only reason I ever chose to settle down and be an adult. That didn’t work out but whatever. A boy can dream. But you trust the advice of others over your heart and not what’s real. And look at your empire of shit, what have you accomplished in this life.  I have lived, you simply live. That’s the difference between us. I do epic shit because it’s a new challenge just to fucking do it. You trust professionals and psychologist and psychotherapists and all that shit. I learned at an early age never to trust that shit and

  It’s still the same old chess games, only difference is the rules have changed slightly and at this point in my life I am both willing to walk away because it’s stalemate or stick around for the eventual black queens checkmate. I have a few moves left, and none of them are out of anger but I think that a few more moves will be all I have left. You no longer hold any kind of hold on me and stay static in my life because I have other responsibilities, but I am starting to reconsider who and what I am in terms of you, him and those other responsibilities. I can grow numb and broken again and I will not care. You’ve seen me cold and heartless at my worst once. But never towards you. It was only ever anger. But I can walk away permanently from everything I’ve ever known, I have done in multiple times in my life, I’m not stranger to it. I’ll walk away again if I have to. I can’t change the game, but I can change the expectations of the game. That’s what I am considering right now. Making a

Guess you’re all grown up now. One bonus you’re decisions will be all your own now. I tried kid, just like I have for the past 4 years and even before that. I will always try. There’s a few more things left in my bag of tricks before I’ve exhausted all the options.  But today is your day, your gifts are here. You’re dad is here. You are loved. You always will be and I will always be here when and if you need me.  I just hope you had fun and had a good 20th birthday. We’ll save our moment for later. But it’s there.  Happy birthday, Son.

All I ever wanted was one fucking moment. Just one. That’s all I ever asked you for.  That’s all we ever needed. It isn’t just about the two of us. There are three of us. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll walk away forever. But we owe the child we never had any moments together with one fucking moment.  That’s the only reason I keep trying.  One day you will wake up, one day you will grow up and realize all of that. And what you destroyed and what you have fucking lost. I just hope I’m still standing and not a corpse when that moment comes.    All I ever wanted was to give you beautiful moment. One you deserved. One just as much as for me as for him. Validation that you were the one woman in the world I loved the most. But you have to make it about you first. Everything is to your agenda and on your timeline. I’m sick of it.  He deserved his moment too. A moment you constantly deny for selfish fucking reasons. You talk a lot of pretty words but that’s all you fucking do.  One day I will fad

I always thought I couldn’t live up to your expectations but the reality is that you cannot and could never live up to mine. You’re life choices not mine created this monster. And while we have moments, we are still exactly where we need to be in this life right now. I may make actions to change that. But, you gotta meet me half way. I won’t always make the effort. And you wonder why I don’t fight. I fought you enough. I had to take the knife in my back and turn it into a motivational weapon how many times in my life? To finish college? To finish or at least attempt to finish university? To fight you in court? To fight for a minimum wage job where my skills were never appreciated and all I had was my child on the weekend I had off? To fight when I had nothing left and almost killed myself? I chose to stop fighting in 2019.I made peace with the fact neither of you were ever going to be in my life agian. Yet in 2020 I got angry agian, and because of that you have your ring. But all I hav

I should not be nostalgic for the bad old days. I don’t mean with her I just mean in general in points of my life. It was simply more interesting when I was struggling and didn’t have my shit together. Now it just seems like my life is status quo and while I do interesting shit there are days when the depression and tedious nature of the same day over and over agian. Just means that I’m going to be bored and not really feeling like I accomplished anything in my life or done anything of value. Both of which are not true but at this point in my life I highly doubt that anything fucking changes. It’s the same fucking moment every single fucking day, and it’s boring. That’s part of the appeal in looking Niagara bound, at least that’s the great unknown, what if I had settled down and become boring… I never wanted that life. But I’d have chose it for one reason and one reason alone. And it’s not much different than the life I have now. I know another reason I look back is I had a certain amo

I don’t even know what to think anymore. I don’t have any answers. I don’t believe in coincidences. The fact I had an awesome time and saw one of my boyhood Hero’s on stage last night and then drama today. These things are related. Because I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. I have good friend’s and people that care about me.  I will always care, that’s my nature and you have to be healthy to be responsible for the one person in this world I care more than anyone else for. I may Love hi that’s unconditional, but I’d die for him. I steady have once before emotionally. I chose to walk away remember. So he didn’t have the burden of me in his life.  It’s only your choice and actions that’s I am in orbit in his life. Otherwise I would have stayed gone. I’d have walked away. That was the attention. I’m not dragging anyone down.  Part of it is that I don’t know the truth with you. He’s afraid of me? At his age I was hanging and banging with killers at Barton jail and it wasn’t my first tim

I am done doing anything except for myself. The nostalgia filter doesn’t work anymore. It hurts to get emotionally involved with someone who can always turn it on and off. Meanwhile I am doing legendary fucking things all on my own with people that actually care about me. I’m not looking back but there are things in my life I have made major attempts with. I’m just getting to a point where I no longer care if those plans comes to fruition because my reality is that I’m fine exactly where I am and my world doesn’t change on a daily basis the way it used to. I do interesting things and it’s still an interesting life. It’s not the one I expected but it’s the one I have. I can deal with that. 

This is my life. I’m having fun with it and I am going from adventure to adventure. I only need those that choose to be at my side. I don’t need anyone that doesn’t want to be a constant in my life. I’m having fun and not giving any fucks.  That’s the way it should be. "Life doesn't run away from nobody. Life runs at people.."  - Smokin' Joe Frazier 1/12/44 - 11/7/11

I am happy. I do things. I don’t chase anything or anyone or push myself to be an overbearing presence in my life. I have plenty of things I do to enjoy my life and sometimes my distractions and hobbies are epic. I’d rather be the first person in the line for the nature boy and mike tyson than ever dwell on the fact that my life didn’t turn out great. You know what, it did. It just didn’t go as planned for a few years. And there are reasons for that. But there is no anger or no reason for nostalgia. Good things will happen in my life because I’m a good person and if something is meant to be it will be. For now I’m having fun and doing epic and legendary things.  I’m gonna continue to do things and enjoy my life. Living well is the best revenge. Jim Morrison once asked me something in a poem, I’m pretty sure the answer is yes. The good the bad and the ugly. It would make a pretty good movie.  And it still a good life.  I just want to live it The movie will begin in five moments The mind

I am too damn stubborn to tell you how much I am hurting and need you. I’d rather play the devil and the demon and every villain in your story than ever give you that little victory. I’ll stand my ground for as long as I have to. The line has been drawn and the rules are clear. You have to come to me, I have no interest or energy left to come to you. You know the request needed. Otherwise all we do is spin our fucking heels pretending. I’m done pretending. We lost twenty years being angry. A lifetime. His lifetime. I’m done being angry. I’m not done being stubborn. I can find a kind of peace without you. Im fine with that. I’ll be your devil for asking as you need to me to be. Everyone needs someone to blame even at that core of her humanity she may love me. Her actions speak otherwise. Mine do not. I live my life by the rules and ethics I always have. I may not always like you, sometimes I love you, sometimes I hate you, but I’ve always tried to respect you.  I’ve buried your secrets

The more I think about things the Angrier I get. And I know that I’m the good and noble one in this relationship. You have attempted to destroy me multiple times but you never could. I’m just damaged. But I always come back. You only damage yourself now. Because I will stop caring. You’re actions your decisions. You know the only reason I care is when they affect me. I can’t fight you anymore, so I will flee before you kill me. That’s who I am.  A true king would hold his head high and treat you the way I used to. It’s you’re own complicated headcase that is the only reason that we aren’t together. It’s just gotten worse over time and I am hurting. But I am also a prideful man, and I don’t back down to anyone the least of all you. I’ll take a crown of thorns and be the fucking villain and sit on an iron throne before I’d ever let you continue to act the way you have without responsibilities in your life. It’s time to grow up. Just like I had to. The fucking hard way. Before it slaps yo

We aren’t simple. But I think at this turn in the road that you are simply the best choice in my life. I am at peace and don’t do drama and I think you need me to find the same. I can move on and still do my own thing.  But there is something missing. I’d like to fix that. But that’s on you, I’m too prideful or stubborn to force my way into your life. You know you have to ask me to come home. I’m not going to just be any more of a looming presence in your life unless your truly want it as much as I do. And only one of our behaviours shows that. We will continue to be complicated until you are ready. I’ll always be here waiting. That’s where we stand right now. That’s where things are going to be for a minute. The next step is all on you.

It’s hard to deal with some of the past and the shit in my head when I know some of it is a shared experience with you. And it is a reason for both of our current behaviours and why we understand each other. We have shared trauma and we are trauma bonded. All three of us. I have no question about that. I don’t always get angry by the person you are, and you have gotten far more forgiveness than you were ever worthy of. But it is what it is… this is our world… we are both very broken and we deal with the things in our head separately when we should be dealing with them together. Ptsd is a bitch and it’s constantly reminding me of who I was, and why we aren’t whatever we should have been. My ears started long before you and in my head they will continue long after I’m gone. Same with you. I could be gone in your life agian and the ghosts will still be there. Some days we can deal with them, other days those chains rattle too fucking much. And nothing I know to do can fix either of you, o

                     I do not like revisiting my past much and it is difficult sometimes to deal with paperwork, but its a necessary evil to survive at this fucking point in my life. but it is always an adventure to face the issues in my head and to put them down into words. I thought that it would get easier with writing this letter for the government a second time but it doesn't get any easier, it just continues to remind me of who i am and what i came from and how easily it would be for me to be a lesser man with less moral and ethics. every man can have one bad day, and I've had fucking multiples. the fact that i am still standing even after all i have been thru and done and experienced is a testimony to how strong i am. even if i struggle to put it into official words its something that I can and will always deal with. its just another challenge. and i love fucking challenges. i dont fear anything even uncertainty.

I don’t know why I keep putting myself thru all this hell. I try and have emotions and look on the light side of things and every fucking time it’s a knife in the back. I am not the best friend or the childhood buddy. I am you’re ex husband and we’ve never really defined the ex part. Just that you’ve cast me away. But you want me on the fringes of your life for some reason. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to want to be that guy. I don’t like seeing you upset or in pain. It’s easier when I’m not an active participant in your life.  It was always easier. But that’s not what I was trying to be this time. But that time will have an ending. And it’s soon.  I can’t feel the way I do every time you want to lash out on me. I’m not worthy of that transference any more. It hurts too much to question everything that you think I am every time you pull this.  I am convinced that it’s not longer me being a good enough person for you anymore… it’s the guilt of you thinking you’re not a good en

I have made too many sacrifices to care as much as I fucking do now. It’s time for me to just be angry again and walk away. Maybe then you’ll realize there is something of value that remains.  I’ll see you in another decade or so, that’s the difference between us, I’ve always known what I’m capable of, and my value. And they are both great and terrible things.  But I’m fine going down this road solo, you aren’t the only one along my path. You’re just the most constant one. That isn’t always a positive. For the most part you’ve been an enemy and hated. That little bit of innocence that Ioves you still can be easily eroded. You’ve been the hate of my life for longer than I can remember. Those days can easily return. No fucks given remember. I’m fine on my own. I always have been, it just would have been nice to eventually fall into your pipe dream. But in the natural order of things anger and hate us better for both of us. It makes us stronger.  It’s just too bad that I have moved on fro

I don’t know why I have kept trying or why I still love you, almost 13 years after you killed and destroyed all that was left pure and good about me… all that was left was a hollow shell. I wanted peace and to leave you another broken piece of my past, but that wasn’t good enough for you, you needed to haunt my present. You are not part of my reality and have not been by your own personal choice in almost two decades. Why would I reverse course now?  I am a fucking ghost to you and him. Maybe that is the way things should fucking remain.  I’d rather be dead than deal with the whirlwind of emotions every-time you call. Do you honestly think that I don’t get angry with all your bullshit and imagination. One of us lives in reality and the other makes shit up. The problem is you’re unreality is affecting my reality. I’m no longer going to entertain illusions. Give me something to consider that is real and not the fantasyland world that you live in. Maybe I can consider something then. Till

I am sick of being you’re emotional support animal, I’m going to live my life and have fun with my friends and family and stop trying to save something you took away almost 20 years ago for a second time. The first time you didn’t even give me a fucking choice. I’m not one to hold grudges but I also want the freedom To go and be elsewhere. I’ve always been the living emotional tie you need in you’re life without any of the fucking benefits. We are too fucking old for mind games, we are too old to pretend like this is going to go anywhere but a dead end. You have always made that choice and you get fucking jealous of illusions. Once again I’m not even fucking allowed to have friends. That didn’t work out so well for us when we lived together, what makes you think trying to control my friend’s and my emotions and feelings towards Them is  going to do for you now? I won’t care. I don’t care. I’m not always going to be there as much as you want me to be. Because in you’re head I’ll never b

  I’m happy. I live my life and do interesting things. And nothing gets me down. I just live and have a blast. I know what my responsibilities are and I know what my escapes are. I’m going to choose fun and friend’s over battles, depression and waiting on choices that may never come. I’m good right where I am right now. That’s all that matter. 

  I’m happy being who I am right now with my friends and family in my life. I don’t need anyone that just wants to be adjacent to that. You’re either in my life or you aren’t. I am Lucky to have lived an interesting life and met interesting people. I know where to land and I know that there is a reason for everything but I do question some of my life’s choices. But being a good person and hanging out in the scenes I have always repaid kindness and friendship with that same. That’s the energy I go for now with everything I do in my life. That’s who I want to be. That’s all I want to be in this moment. Just happy having fun and living my life. No complications. I Fought my wars and gave up enjoyment for a long time as a sacrifice. Now I just want to enjoy my life and those around me.

I have spent my life never looking back, just going to adventure to adventure. That’s who I am. My life ain’t perfect but it’s mine. There is a moment I should have slowed down and appreciated what was on my table but we weren’t ready yet, maybe one day we will be. But for the moment I’m doing the same old things and living my life with no tommorow. Honestly I never expected to live this long, so when I can escape my responsibilities for a moment? I’m gonna run to the things I always said that we would do together. Sadly all these concerts and epic adventures I’m doing alone. That being said I have a crew of friends I see at every show  and I have never really not had one foot in the grave in the Toronto metal scene, which is funny as I haven’t lived there in almost 30 years… I was in the old neighbourhood from 95’ tonight. I felt no attachment.   I don’t look back. I don’t think you understand how hard it was for me to look back in 2002 when I had accomplished everything I needed to i

I’ve always preferred being you’re demon, the one you get to blame. That makes it fucking easier for you. Because you’ve always had blinders on to the true poisons in your life. First clue, it has never been me. I just did my best to love you. I still do even with it being complicated. I’m afraid to engage in other relationships because I know exactly how that will end. We are nothing and I am nothing more than a living emotional crutch for when you think you need me. Friends, no benefits.  I think I liked it better when we hated each other. At least back then I knew where we stood. This bullshit detente is something I tired of a long time ago. I can’t tell if it’s mental health, mind games or some sort of twisted twelve step program so you can have peace. The problem is I simply evolved past you a long fucking time ago. I am at peace. I’ve made amends with every one of my decisions in my life. Not all of them are good, but I have a good life now. You are still a prisoner to your emoti

We are a myth. An imagination in both our minds. Yes, we provide each other comfort when the world closes in, and we are the constant in each other’s lives… but there is no closure and there is only pretty words and day dreams… If anyone hasn’t told you, I don’t dream, and my life is the stuff of nightmares. Sadly you were the one pure moment in a lifetime of them, and even that got corrupted, but don’t think that I’m completely under the illusion that this will fix or ever heal. One day I’d like it to but I live in the reality that’s been created. Maybe now I understand that it wasn’t completely you’re doing, but I’m still the one affected, me and my son. I’ll fight for you, you know that, but I will completely go on the offensive for my child. You know that more than anything and exactly what that entails. I may be standing still and wishing for better days, but I’m not looking backwards for them. If and when it’ll be in the here and now. Not in echoes of a yesterday. That does neith

It meant something last week with that accident , it meant something when you worried about me being in the rough neighborhood. I was surprised when you called to make sure I was alright… the fact that you do care enough to check means I’m finally getting somewhere beyond you’re wall of selective silence. There is a reason when at the end you do have a seat at the table with any decision making… because occasionally you do little things that surprise me. But it also highlights the fact that I should no longer be your silent secret, we either need to be, or just not be. I can’t keep you at arms length forever. It simply hurts too much no matter how much I bury the emotions.. they are still there bubbling to the surface, they never went away not really.  I can easily go back to not caring, but the fact I am your silent constant and I’ve never betrayed your trust even when I should have across the decades should speak volumes about my character. I don’t deserve to be a hidden and forgotte

  I am having fun with this. And being able to do charity moments like todays blood donation makes me feel pretty good. It’s a hobby and it gets me out of the house with my friends and it’s Amazing to see the reactions in public.  I like being able to feel normal and just have fun because I have had moments in my life when I felt that part of my life was behind me. Now, I think that I’m slowly getting back to normal and it’s better for my mental health to be outside and social. I like my new and old friend’s and I enjoy coming out of my skin like this… and it gives me a little purpose again. I’m enjoying it.

Sometimes it’s just nice to have simple moments with my brother and simply have a night out watching a football game. I treasure little breaks with him just as much as I do our big vacations. It’s simple enough to escape to Toronto too. Need to do some more. A nice fall night, a cool breeze in my hair. That’s all I need. It was nice to see the 150th Argos celebration and the drone show. But simple is sometimes all we need. Then again, this is me doing simple.

  There is something about going back to Windsor and spending time with my best friends esp now with added Devon, that always makes me feel better and a little more recharged. It reminds me that I wasn’t always in a dark place and that I did do things on my own and defined myself as myself in a new place, barring responsibilities it would be very easy to go back to living up there.  But like everything it’s a nice pipe dream, I have responsibilities here. The only way i would go back home to Windsor is with my family, and I’d still keep one foot in the grave in Hamilton, that’s not by choice, only by fate and I don’t think he’d ever leave his home. But it’s nice to visit and remember who I once was, this time without the baggage of anyone in my life.  When you truly don’t care what anyone from you’re past thinks of you? That’s freedom. I went home and just had fun, no bullshit, no drama. No relationships. Just good friend’s.  I’m becoming who I want to be again, I am finding peace in m

I am at peace, there is a something that helps every trip back to Windsor. I’m glad that I was able to do that trip with two people I care about deeply and I hope that the next trip it will possibly be someone else, but we shall see.  But for now I am at peace, I am content and I am looking positively to the next step. This is where I found the warrior inside, and this is where I decided to stop letting the warrior mentality define the rest of my life. I can find solace and peace here. This is where I truly grew up and became a man, it’s too bad it was such a rollercoaster. Windsor was the first place I ever felt comfortable in my own skin. And it’s nice to still be known, sometimes Windsor famous isn’t a bad thing. It’s nice to know I still have good freinds and options in Windsor and going back in costume was fun as hell. I know that I’m enjoying my life and that nothing can stop me and my crew from having a good time. Happy birthday brother, I hope you enjoyed you’re 40th on Saturda

I am home, I am happy. I am with two of my favourite people in the world and we just made his fortieth birthday amazing. We did our thing and met the predator and we went for a nice family birthday dinner. This is all I need in my life. Good freinds and a few beers. I am home, I miss it here.

  I am happy. I have good friends and a decent life. I get to do amazing things and I don’t always have to do them with selfish people that only think of themselves. Just remember, friend, if I get fucking distant, there is a reason for that. I have a decent life, and I do what I want the same as I always have. But I don’t forget or forgive betrayal easily. Just because you’ve been a constant in my life, doesn’t mean you can or will be there tomorrow.  There are people in my life that have always had my back and will continue to so… and I have amazing times… and there are friends and family that feel like an albatross around my neck. If my complicate my life or those I care about, it will be like you never even existed. No photographs, no memories. Nothing. I’d rather have fun with actual friends and people who don’t have a hidden agenda or simply use me as a fair weather friend to whatever end. I’m too old for that shit.  I’m either having fun with you or I’m going to the show alone,

  I am stuck in the moment that you left me, when you and I and him were a happy little family, I woke up one morning and you smashed all that away, and you expected me to live with it. And now after a lifetime of regret you want that back but only on your terms… that’s fine. I’ll wait for you as always. You’ll invite me home one day, I have no use or need to kick that door open until you’re ready. I know where I stand with you in this life. It’s you that needs to decide where we stand. I’ll always be here, waiting.  Midnight Phone calls till the end of my life… you’ll always be my albatross, the one that got away. The one that won’t let go. You know where I stand, you know who I am. The only question left is when and where are you ever going to be ready? And the morning after will I still be there or will you have pushed me away agian. There are reasons I’m always going to be here, and why I am in the drivers seat in whatever relationship we ever have agian.  Even if I don’t like you

I’m done fighting. No one will ever make me Pick up my sword agian. Unless they hurt you or my son. But otherwise my wars are done, even my wars with you. Im sick of you using my emotions against me, why do you think I weaponized your last emotion you had left against you, that little piece of glass you keep begging to see but I have never placed in your hand for a reason, you really think that you have any control? The ring exists because it gives me control of the situation. When will you realize that. I don’t have to fight, and I don’t have to back down. I did what was right for as long as I had to. It’s twilight now, I’m enjoying my life and enjoying my interests and my life. You can join me or be cast aside, honestly it makes no difference. The sad thing is that I know every phone call you make always has an agenda. You and I both know what that agenda is. You want me involved you know what the price of that involvement is, I make no bones about that.  But I know what you need and

I don’t do things half ways. I’m learning a lesson very quickly lately that I can’t do plans for someone I care about if there is another selfish person involved. There is a reason my usual dance partner isn’t coming to Windsor and it will be a long fucking time till I have the faith in him to bother with the convention circuit or anything that only interests him at his leisure. Do I enjoy my friends company? Yes? Do I like paying for things with the expectation things are returned in kind? Fuck No. and I’m carrying the bulk of that the last month. It may be a long fucking while before I’m willing to do something like that again. It’s a respect thing and it’s the fact that I do things based on mutual respect when I can, and I can’t always but there is a pattern here of being taken advantage of and used as a fucking afterthought. I’m just fine doing my own thing. I have other freinds I can socialize with. I don’t need the idiot with a silver spoon making false promises and fucking me an