Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Guess whose still here. 20 years later where you forced upon me the impossible choice.  I choose to be happy and do spectacular things. I wanted you to come to dinner for Christmas or Boxing Day but that didn’t happen. I want you here tonight. But that wont happen either. I’ll just continue to do epic shit on my own journey.  I’m at peace I’m not angry. I’m only a little bitter when we hit some of these milestones we should be sharing together. An attempt was made, it’s all I can give or promise you now. One day I might not be able to give you the attempt… there are certainly days now I don’t want to.  But twenty years you made the impossible choice, how would you have ever expected me to come back from that after all we had been thru? And then you confounded original sin with every more. I have forgiven you, there are days I lie to myself in the mirror and pretend that I completely love you, I do love you, but it is with reservation. There’s only one human on this earth ...

I’m hurting, but I can deal with it. Being ignored at Christmas sucks. I deserved better. This is status quo for the rest of my life tho. One day I’ll just grow cold and stop caring. Again. Probably better for all involved.  But Christmas is supposed to mean hope. I try to honour that. One day a year I won’t fight with you and I’ll always try to do something for the three of us. But if I’m not good enough. So be it.  I choose to be happy. That’s my Christmas in the casino with the loved one I’m with and busy taking care of right now. Dinner is still offered tomorrow I’ll let you know when in the morning. I’ll still try. But you being in my life isn’t dependant on me being happy, I’m happy anyways… I have a good life. I’ll continue to have a good and happy life.  You were missed this Christmas. I hope you and my son had a good one anyways. I brought one of his gifts if you decide to show up for dinner. I don’t expect you to. I will still offer. That’s my nature. Merry Chri...

I’m not angry. I’m apathetic. All I want is for you and him to have a nice Christmas. I tried to be a part of that as usual but it’s clear that I’m not needed so less and less of an attempt was made. I’ll do things, but I won’t put the effort into them I usually do.  Today is devoid of anger and I just wish you peace. I just wish you were here with me. I miss waking up beside you on Christmas Day, it used to mean something. I’ve never done that with anyone else by choice, I’ve always been elsewhere on Christmas Day.  It meant something to see him with his gifts too. I always tried to give him a good Christmas, I have tried for years to do it even in my absence, his gifts are here. Your gifts are here. I’m here.  Christmas always meant something to us as a family, it should have stayed that way, the world got in the way… as usual this is where we stand. A Christmas truce, because I can be angry tomorrow.  Today, I just want the day to be full of good cheer and for you...

I am still here. I am still trying. One last fucking time to do the right thing by you. I don’t expect you to show. But I’ll extend the olive branch. That’s who the fuck I am. But I expect nothing.  I haven’t invited you and him for Christmas dinner yet because this year I don’t care, even though it’s likely I will be down there. I’m happy playing the villain. I don’t care anymore.  I don’t know my exact plans because there are too many reasons not to care. I will still do what I plan to do but the when is all kinds of misery business right now. Not sure I want to bother to have that choice.  This time of year just brings depression and anger and nothing to look forward to. I’m not even terribly sure why I put forward the effort some years. 

I have had a really hard time with this last year realizing that we are at 24 of my 48 years of being involved together. You contributed nothing positive to my life except for a child and while I try and have hope that one day things will fix. I’m not an idiot either. All you have ever lead me to is ruin. And ive spent half my life chasing an ideal, a person you’ve never been. There is no reason I should have had you on a pedestal. The only difference between you and i is that I didn’t actively ever try to destroy you and I honoured you as the mother of my child by keeping your secrets even at the loss of my own.  I’m not that guy, I would never have tried to ruin you. You did nothing but to destroy me. Even if those small moments I have had peace you’ve always been around to destroy them anyways. Don’t get me wrong I know we’re toxic, but the balance of that has always lied with you.  5 years you’ve been back in my life, 4 years the ring has sat in the bedroom dormant what ha...

I’m not feeling the next moment again. I’m just going thru the motions because I keep my promises and my word and I know where my heart truly lies. I don’t play games or hide behind illusions. I don’t need to. Everything you get from me is cold hard truth and that’s the tragedy of it. I’ll always try my hardest but that’s never been good enough for you. Always being there isn’t enough. It’s not on your terms.  And I wont relinquish control to you either.  I’m not doing well here, I’m just waiting on the next moment and just like always you’re the humongous anchor that has me standing still to keep things standing still. It’s a good thing I don’t make my decisions on what you need in this life.  As usual it’s all about you as you’re predictable actions this week have shown. You were beautiful together once. That was a long time ago and all our lives have consummated into being is this beautiful tragedy.  You’re the one that has the ashes of your past life surrounding ...

  You’re gifts are here. You’re dinner is here and planned when you want it. You’re Dad is here. I will always be here. I’m proud if the man you are, and maybe you don’t need me in your life anymore. But I’ll be here when and if you do. You’ll always be a part of my life kid.  Go enjoy you’re day and don’t worry about your old man, I’ll be around if needed. Have a happy day and hopefully you have fun. Have a happy day Joshua, I love you. You’re all grown up. I’m proud of that fact. I will always be here if and when you need me. That will never change. 

I expect disappointment. It comes naturally to me especially when it comes to the three of us around this holiday. It doesn’t preclude me from trying, I always will no matter where I am and what I am doing. Because what it Christmas except for hope!!! Someone was born in this day if you believe that represents hope. You and I both do not have much faith but i believe In us. I will always give you the benefit of the doubt at Christmas, because there’s something about us that just means a little more at Christmas.  I will always try. It’s too bad that I expect to make contact this week and have it brushed aside. Because thats what you do. That’s all that you do. You get expectations up and make me think there is more to it then the sad pathetic moments when you need me to be there. And then you fade away. Because thats who we are. We aren’t the couple that spent two christmases together happy and agianst the world. We are the old bitter people that are simply what remains.  If y...

I know how and what I am in this world. Seeing a band I’ve wanted to see for almost 35 years of my life reminded me how much I have not changed from the wild feral child I was when I met you. You met me broken and damaged and I never wanted to change from that. I wish I hadn’t. Being a better man lead to nothing but misery and ruin. I was better off being mean and on the run. Now I’m fucking nostalgic for the bad old days and not the ones where I ran the electric circus that is my life… those days at least I could control. I just know what was good in my life and how little of it we had together. Maybe one day that will change, i highly fucking doubt that possibility, I will never be something you can control, and you don’t even love me anyways, all you love is the idea of me, a very carefully cultivated idea and image of me that you have fooled yourself into being the truth, some days maybe I am him, some days I wish I was something better. Other days I know I’m someone worse. The one...

I do what I want these days because there is no one to tell me what to do. I sacrificed long enough in better moments of my life for people that couldn’t give a damn if i drew breath. I remember those wasted years. I am never Fucking looking back. And you know what, I don’t have to.  I’m always happy because some days it feels like I’m a prisoner in a box. But those days are fleeting compared to the days where I feel like I have completely the freedom to do anything I want. I have nothing and nobody dragging me down to their level these days trying to keep me from being whatever I want to be in this life… all of that is gone. All hopes dreams and aspirations are destroyed, so I’m just what remains. What remains is having a pretty good life on his terms… that’s all I got left. So that’s how I’ll go out. On my terms.

I’ve led an interesting life. It hasn’t always been easy. But it’s always been interesting and I’ve done things that most people don’t do once in their lives and I do them Multiple times, often in the same week. When I leave this world I will have no regrets and I will be able to say i led a good life.  I’ve never hid from being the villain and the bad guy… I’ve always been one of the more interesting characters in people lives.. because one thing I certainly know is that I don’t put down roots or have stabilty, I’m a passing moment in anyones life. There are only two I am or will ever be the constant in. And sone days even to them I am the villain, these days I’m more likely to be the ghost however. Waxing poetic about the bad old years is always a dangerous place for me to go to. Those were my wild years. It’s a place I don’t live anymore. But there is nothing there for me anymore. It may appear I’m more out of control than I was then but the truth is everything I do now is caref...

Happy Halloween. Im going to be out there doing all this wicked shit because this is my life and I’m having fun without you, I’m just making this world work for me in the only Ways I know how. Sometimes moving forward means looking back, to a world I was part of long before I met you and had responsibilities. I was happier there, I’m happier there now.  This isn’t a nostalgia tour. This is just me remembering who I once was and who and how I lived long before you took all that away. I’m having fun and I’m going to continue to do my own thing. No one else wants me anyways. Id rather be damaged alone and have epic stories than be dragged down by any anchors. This life is mine. I’m going to fucking live it. I had a life long before you, I have a life now. It’s fuckin epic.

I am losing minor patience with my assigned current role in this life. I mean I can do epic shit, but it is quickly forgotten and honestly that’s not the simplest life for me anymore. I liked when things were status quo but when expectation has exceeded reality it is time for me to consider what the fuck the next step is. I always thought I would end up somewhere different instead of spinning my heels in the same damn pattern.  But fuck it. I’ll just follow along until there is a major life change Once again. God knows I’ll eventually chose one. I can’t continue to lose my mind after we do things and depend on others to carry the freight of our lives the way it seems of late that has been happening. It’s supposed to be nice epic moments instead of simply survival. I thought I had outgrown this.  Whatever this becomes something needs to change. I am becoming hardly functional and sacrificing too much before I even get paid. I need sone freedom for things in my life. 

Make no mistake about anything. Im still lost within my own head. Things may have changed in my life and I am more at peace with my life and there is some semblance of order to it now… but I’ve done jail and I’ve done questioning and I’m still a little lost within my own. The reality is that I will never truly be happy or anything but miserable in my mind. It’s all four walls and a funeral. What the fuck did I accomplish in my life? My legacy? There isn’t one. Im just here. Nothing is going to change. Im just going to keep doing things and grind the axe until the end. I’m happy but my life is always going to be missing a lot because of the actions of myself and others. Then agian, I think I was born damned so this institutional mentality is nothing new to me, I made my choices. I don’t run from my responsibilities nor to do I abandon those I love… I just wish the walls weren’t folding in Agian. I shouldn’t be waxing poetic about the bad old days. Things aren’t easy now but it doesn’t s...

I am happy, I get to do epic shit like this with the ones I love on a regular basis, the fact that iron maiden is one of his favorites and I was able to do it as one last birthday gift makes me happy. I wish that I could do more with him but these special moments mean something to. The only thing missing is having my son beside us enjoying the show,  but that is a choice that is not mine. He’d be welcome to come, every damn time. But I am not going to sit at Home weeping and waiting for the writing on the wall. Im going to live and enjoy myself. I sacrificed enough years not doing anything and standing still trying to do the right thing.  Now I am doing the right thing, and I’m having fun and enjoying my life with those that are surrounding me. I choose me and I have no fucking regrets choosing me. It’s about being at peace with myself and the ones I care for in this lifetime. One troublesome piece has been swept off the chess board. And trust me that shadow loomed large for a...

Im good with my Friends and always doing epic shit… I’m not sitting at home pining for any lost Lenore’s, I’m fuckin’ busy doing anything that I want to, over and over and over agian. The fact that I am losing track of the last memory before I even get to the next one should be a fucking tell tale sign that I’m enjoying my life with no regrets… I spent a long enough time in my life being miserable and waiting for things to fix themselves if I fought hard enough for them, instead just enough passed for me to be able to look past them with no regrets. It’s better this way, it’s always been better this way when it’s just me and those I choose to have around me… There are moments my life was less complicated, but i would rather have had the experiences I’m having now than staying stagnant and waiting for the day that never came. I know where my choices have led me And at the end of the day, I’ll stand by making the right choices even for the wrong reasons. Not all of them were wrong. But I...

This is how I deal with the fact that I wasted my life and his in court with you, pretending that it was ever going to change. Nothing fun ever changed. We just wasted too many years being angry at each other rather than having fun memories and adventures. Now I’m doing them, so one day, for someone there will be stories to tell. That’s where things are now. I’m not angry and neither of us really won the war, but neither of us are completely comfortable being at peace either. At least when I go to the pit I can disappear into someone I used to be and forget some of my problems and wake up the next morning with an interesting fuckin story. That’s what I’m doing with my life, I can’t honestly say I care about what your doing with yours. When I’m needed I’ll be there but right now it seems very clear I’m not fucking needed.  I need an escape from my reality sometimes as I have some frustrating bullshit in it that doesn’t always help. I know my responsibilities. But I also know the ske...

I do things alone because I have a life beyond Hamilton. In both directions, some days maybe even my Toronto connections are still the same ones I was running away for as a child. I have a group of people that I have fun with and it’s separate from every responsibility both current and historical. It’s nice to have that little escape every once in a while and just be Bones.  It’s who I started out as, it’s who I’ll likely be remembered the most as. I lived. I had fun and I did things.that’s all that’s left for me to accomplish. There are days i choose to do things and buy things just for me because there are fucking people that are financial drains on me and i cant count on others in my life when push comes to fuckin shove. I love my life and i love being there for the fucking ones i love but i swear to you there are moments in my fucking life when that all i had to take care of myself and maybe my son things were simpler than having people around. Anyone i do for now has my respec...

I am honoured to have you as my brother and to call you family. I enjoy doing our epic adventures and doing all this crazy shit we keep doing. I couldn’t have a better person at my side during all these adventures. If I was to have just one regret it’s we didn’t do more of this when we were younger. Things aren’t always perfect but I’m trying to make it so that you enjoy as much as you can and have all the experiences I have. Id rather do stuff at your side than alone you know that.  Im happy to celebrate your special day as much as I can and as epic as we can because we know time is limited. It’s about making sure we make these moments matter.  Happy birthday Brother.

I like who i am, I like the adventures I go on with those that I love. Today just felt right and there was no bullshit and no drama. Just start to finish mutual respect. I choose to be happy and I choose to not have drama and spend my life doing cool things. There are moments in my life that can be amazing and i am glad I choose peace in my life over the drama, I have enough of that in my back pages. And i don’t need any more of it. These moments are for me and the ones I love to be happy. As for today? Mission accomplished. Happy Birthday Brother. Every year is just gonna get bigger and better.

  Im still choosing me. I don’t need anyone in my life that drags me down. Im good with those I care about and vice versa. Anyone else in my life can come and go, that’s always been the pattern. I choose my own patterns. I chose my own adventures just like the fucking books from when we were kids.  I do things. I do all the things that’s my fucking nature. I don’t need a fucking partner for that. Although I will fucking admit the one I cared about in 2019 did cross my mind tonight. That was a fun night. But I’ve moved past her, and moved past anyone in my back pages. Either be in my fucking life or be history. Im perfectly Fucking happy flying solo, I have my crew i do things with and I’m fucking happy with or without them. I’m at peace without drama in my life and no one is going to change that. I’m going to enjoy who and whatever I am and where I go. Wherever I end up, I know I’m fine. I’ve fought my wars. I’m good with being at peace. I’m gonna stay here and do all the thin...

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

I am happy. It is a rare day that I can say that I am completely happy. The best part of my day was someone from one of my dads favourite movies complimenting me on my beard. I got to meet a few childhood heros and spend time with some real friends… all of the other concerns just floated away. Just me being me with the people I care about here. That’s all I need in my life. I treasure and value my friend’s that make me happy. I don’t need anyone dragging me down. I need more happy days like today.  I like being me, I have fun adventures with those that I want to have adventures with. I don’t need it to be forced or feel like an obligation to get something. Im gonna live my life and make decisions for me and not have other’s opinions or problems affect me. I like this weird feeling. I feel normal. I feel happy. It’s not something I feel every day. 

Lets burn some fucking bridges, I’m sick of everyone that thinks they are supposedly my friend that only has a use for me for their own agenda. This weekend will tell exactly what happens next with everything but I’m pretty sure that with my responsibilities and concerns that I can continue to do my own thing and be just as happy, probably happier not bothering to do anything with these associated losers from Hamilton. I left this city once, I have no problem from disassociating from other social circles here. Same as leaving the drama associating with people that seem to love it.  I walked away from the con circuit once before and now that it is becoming mixed with other local drama that I don’t give give a damn about. I’ll gladly walk the fuck away again. I don’t need other people. I’ll just do whatever the fuck is needed to do in my life. I don’t need this and my interest in the whole scene is waning anyways.  This cosplay crap stopped being fun as soon as it started. So I’...

You want to fuck with me when all I ever did was ever try to fucking help you? I will make you’re fucking life hell. You have no idea what I have had to deal with in the last 5 years. Unhinged doesn’t even cover it. You wanna fuck with this peace I have found I will fuck with you and you will fucking regret it. I have no fucking patience for people like you in my fucking life. And I will 100% make Sure that you are not part of my life.  You’re just another loser that fucking ripped me off that i distanced myself because of the fucking war. But don’t forget I voluntarily surrendered that war. Doesn’t make me any less of a soldier or a fighter, if you want a fight don’t anonymously poke the warrior, the fucking demon will come out. The demon doesn’t care. The demon knows all your secrets too. Once upon a time we used to be friends. I ate holiday dinners at your house. I can fucking destroy you with accusations too. Too bad I’m not going to do it from a fucking computer. I’l...

Please willingly put yourself in my crosshairs. I give zero fucking fucks if you decide that you want to be my enemy. It’s probably not a great place to be. I might be older, but I’m not obsolete. And while senses may have been dulled from inactivity I still know and remember enough to have you fucking destroyed remember.  So please fuck with me and those I care about. Hunting season starts today.  Deadnaming me was A very stupid idea. One I hate the name and two very few people know it. So I know exactly who the fuck you are. And I know the skeletons in your closet too.  So let’s have some fun. I may be at peace or at least trying to be it. And I’ve decided to forgive all old beefs but I haven’t forgotten them, and when pushed I can remind anyone that needs it how lethal a protector I can be. I wont fucking hesitate. You go after me and mine? I’ll make ashes out of yours. Everyone has secrets to keep. Mine have been laid bare and manner of public record. Lets see what ha...

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else.  This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

I am disappointed in our town. It’s plastic pathetic and fake. This wasn’t the place I grew up. It’s something else. It’s not about anything but corporate money and it’s a sad joke and commentary that it’s not even our own from the city visiting the core. It’s a tourist destination. You can tell the general lack of intelligence. It was on full display. It’s a problem that is just a microcosm of what’s going on in this country and those that would speak against it are too broken by there own personal issues to care anymore. I may be from here, but it’s never been called home. There is a reason for that. It’s getting easier to live in my own skin here now. But it’s not what it once was, and it didn’t become something better. If anything it became something worse. For the first time in my life I am ashamed to admit I grew up on James street north. And thats always been a point of personal pride. But I can understand how gentrification has destroyed what once was home.. and it’s just anoth...

I dont care anymore, there is nothing to fight in my life anymore. No one cares and nothing but organized and controlled chaos on the street. I’m done fighting, I hung up my boots long ago. Theres nothing in this world to be angry enough to bother with. I just feel apathetic. Once upon a time I thought I was going to change the world and I wrote poems to that effect, and now I can’t even be bothered to hang amongst the humans of Hamilton for any longer than I have to. No wonder I lost weight and went pale this summer. I used to like the art stuff and being connected to it as a busker. But it’s just a reflection of what this country is becoming a and worst case, I don’t care. My younger version would have railed and spoke his mind on all this shit.. I would have rebelled. That’s all I was ever good for. Being the rebel.  Now I post on fucking instagram and remember my glory days when I was someone, and something. We all know how that Ended, multiple cities, multiple times.  Im ...

We need to start over. I don’t know where, I don’t know how. I wont beg and I wont booed to ask you to be my wife. But I am here. You know where to find me and I will always be here. Some serious questions and thoughts have presented themselves this week, but i just want our beautiful moment, our lives have been wracked with enough trauma and pain. I just want to give you the thing I’ve always wanted you to have, you’re safe in my arms, you’ve always known that.   I know what my responsibilities are. And maybe it is time to start over. We have that option we have always had that option.  I will always do what’s right by you and our son. Even if it costs me personally. Thats not even a question. And I have my reasons for standing my my ground all these years. It’s just the rules of engagement have changed. We are in a better place now regardless of where we are.  It’s been five years since you sent those messages and we finally made peace. I should have chosen you the...

We will figure this out. Maybe not today, maybe not tommorow. Although tomorrow would be a nice surprise. It will come to us eventually. There has always been love. There will always be love. I know where I stand at the end so do you.  I do love my life and my adventures. But there will always be two somethings missing until we fix that. There is one more moment planned. Hopefully you don’t make me wait that long. I will always be here. I love you. Thats is unconditional. If you need me there I will be there. Period. I will always be beside you. I should have been beside you a lot more. Theres a lot of regret about those moments. I will be there if asked now. 

 I tried last night babe. I wanted to take you to that concert. As it was I was late for one of our songs. But it would have been nice to have you and My Son there. Whatever the outcome ever ends up being these days I’m glad that you were and are in my life.  There is no anger or anything anymore. Just peace in my life. A life I want to share with you more than anything. The time will come. Maybe it’s not today, but when and if you call I will pick up the phone. I always do.  There are days without anger and judgement and today is one of them. Im not there, not yet. I want to be on our corner, or maybe another place I’ve kissed you. But we aren’t there yet. Maybe Christmas, maybe next year. I have one promised day left and you have a few more before that that are maybes.  I really missed you last night during one of our albums. And I wish you and him had been there. I would have asked you. There was one of our perfect moments.  Next time, happy anniversary babe....

I’m not there. Maybe for the anniversary. Maybe for Christmas. Maybe next year. But I’m not there today. I want to be. But I never expected after all these years, and especially all the work put in the last five years, to be this fucking angry with each other still on your fiftieth birthday, yes, I do love you, I’ll observe in it in my special way. Yes, I’ll take that phone call today and send the usual message.  But I have no intentions of being where I should be agian, we aren’t there yet. I don’t want to ruin your special day with false hope. We aren’t there yet. So I’m not there. I’m beginning to wonder if we will ever be there. Maybe it’s better if we are not.  That being said one day I will make some kind of effort to make that happen, it just won’t be today. Today is your day.  Just know you are loved and have a happy day, and I’ll find another one. Today it’s Unconditional.

I know what you took away, from the very start. Who the fuck wears white and cream coloured khakis. I mean I had style I had a cream coloured suit. But the shoes were doc martens... you can’t fall in love with a punk rocker and think that your going you’re going to ever change him. 24 years of practice and you still haven’t fucking figured that out.  No one can fucking change me. Not even me, not even if I wanted to. Which I have and absolutely never will want to. You were the only person I ever tried to change for and what did it get me, behold my empire of shit, behold the ruins, a crown of thorns that lays upon my head. You’d have me crucified but you just haven’t thought of it yet.  I know what you destroyed. I know what you took away. I know I allowed you to do it because I played by the rules. Rules you don’t understand. Trust me you never did. And that’s why we aren’t Together. And that’s why you wouldn’t let me be happy somewhere else with someone else in the place whe...

I don’t care, I do things. I don’t need a ghost from 20 years back affecting things with no true emotions behind it. I don’t need your drama. I have enough of my own. One reason I like slipping into Toronto and doing my own thing is because when I was a runaway and a homeless street kid on young and queen it was a world before you, and even before that being part of the punk Indy scene here... this is a second adolescence for me, I’m being fucking me.. someone I’ve swallowed since the day Tupac died. I don’t forget where I was sitting on my 20th birthday and his 15 birthday. Those dates are significant.    There’s a reason. What the fuck was the point of trying to improve myself, all that ever fucking brought me was misery, including you. Three days before your fiftieth birthday and your still pulling this shy because I acted like a millionaire for a weekend because I have good Freinds and family. I’m gonna live my life. I’m going to have my life. I’m gonna do things. I’m goin...

  There are reasons i stand my ground and I don't back down from this. not from you, not from anyone in your life. I'm always going to be there. whether you or i like it or not, this is the sword i sacrifice myself on.  The ultimate reality is that you need me more in your life than i need you in mine. and its a flawed sense of responsibility that keeps me coming around and dealing with all of your shit. i walked away 5 years ago to protect you and him, why the fuck are you still in orbit? its been almost 20 years since it ended.  This is our last moment, wherever it goes from here, It will end. there has to be an ending, this thing cannot remain open ended. we need to finish the story, we need to finish the chess game. we have been at stalemate long enough.  There are moments, but I planned this one a long time. And there’s always an excuse or something happens and leaves it the way it always is, unresolved.  I walked away once to protect you, at this point I’m...

I go to the dark places for comfort because they are the only one thats ever have been fucking safe for me. We stand apart of society. We always have. one of us had a choice, the other didn't.  i embrace the darkness because thats all thats left. i tried to walk away to give you a better life. You wouldn't fuckin let me go.  You still won't. but you don't give me any reason to follow you down the white rabbits hole... you might be alice, but I'm not the mad hatter or a fuckin chesire cat.. I have my own delusions to entertain. I refuse to live in your world because of  the plastic poison people you entertain far too often. there are enough fakes in my life, I don't need any more knives from people i don't trust in my back. there are already enough embedded there from those i do trust and once loved. there will be an ending. Soon.

The moment gets close, and while there is hope there are also questions. Im stubborn as a mule and I only do things on my terms. i feel like I'm being manipulated into keeping my word. which was never a question to begin with. I was always going to be there. that was decided a long tine ago. The problem isn't that either of us are ready. We've been ready. The problem is that you have to earn being by side. There have always been terms and conditions and none of that has fucking changed. Answers and truths need to be told. and there are days i question that you are capable of that. Ill take the light while i have it, but i still expect it to burn me as usual. It is in your nature. I may be the scorpion, but you have always been the fire. and the only thing that fire knows how to do is destroy. The difference is I'm a force of fucking nature. I'm unpredictable and uncontrollable like the oncoming storm. You cannot fucking predict me, and you never could. thats what I...

My Life changed in the summer of 2004, everything is about to change agian. for the first time in a decade i will have an answer. and i am preparing for either one. but this is a something that has been planned prior to your birth little one, We just took the long way round. I will be prepared for either answer but its time to do it. its time to keep my word. even if its a refusal, I need this moment. I need to be one day able to look my son in the eye and say i tried.  Whatever I am in this life, her husband, her devil, her enemy, her best freind, her emotional support animal, I am first and foremost you're dad. thats always going to be priority number one. the rules just changed a few years back and maybe there is love agian. Im always going to try to do what is right by you and your mother.. even when sometimes when dealing with her it is with gritted teeth. She's still your mother and i need to accord her that request. She needs this, and me in your lives. her actions are s...

We don't hate each other, we aren't enemies. we are simply something else. what that is I don't know, at this very moment i don't think i care because you're daily life doesn't affect me. just like mine doesn't affect yours. but this future planning we discuss shouldn't come after the end. I have always deserved better, and I know my value. thats why we weren't together then, thats why we aren't together now. you are jealous that i survived and i have a good life and do cool and awesome things without you and him, but heres the thing... you should be at my side doing those things with me. that option is coming. i haven't decided to close the door on it yet... but i have decided to call your bluff on it sometime soon.  thats where i am at.  i am calling my shot. either we will have a moment in the next few months or we will not and you'll be left wanting and waiting again. I told you on the telephone, its on my terms now... and there are t...

There were at least 3 songs tonight that i could have and would have popped out the ring out with. each of them had significance. but we aren't, and possibly will never be there yet. Our lives are drifting apart again and what was once important to me in regaining, is now becoming an afterthought again. I am happy and satisfied with my current lot in life and just being in orbit isn't enough to make a big sweeping change. i will be there soon to keep my fucking word but i have no expectations. but it would have been nice tonight to ask during why can't this be Love or or when its love. sorry babe, they didn't play hot for teacher. But we aren't ready regardless. one day ill just find another moment. but tonight? might have been a nice moment. first time i regret not pursuing you harder to come to something with me. then agian, just like whatever i am in your life, you are an afterthought in mine... i just thought of you a lot during some of our love songs, But its s...

  I Am happy and I'm having fun with my life. its gonna take some serious changes to ever change that. i used to think that was what i wanted but I'm not so sure anymore. i think i value my independence more than i value that. I've had to fight to be my entire life, and now I'm just being me. i don't have to hide who i am anymore. the black shadows that orbited my life are dead and gone. there is just me and i'm having fun. thats all thats needed for the moment. This is where I am in my life now. its a good place. i think I'll stay here.

For once i get to win, and For once i get to feel like i have won. i waited a long time for the freedom i now have. i want my life exactly as it is, without the spectre of darkness and hate overwhelming everything, I know I'm not perfect but i also know at my core I'm a good fucking person, i just go off like a bomb every once in a while. but id rather live my life uncompromisingly, and Live my fucking life. than to settle into a life where there's a possibility of being forgotten. you may love me, you may hate me, you will fucking respect me. You will never Forget me. not one person I've interacted with will ever forget me. Even if I'm a negative Memory, I am still a Memory. I won't die alone and forgotten. Ive always expected to die in a blaze of glory and leave a scorched earth in my wake, but for right now, i think the concept of living, and living well and enjoying my life appeals to me more. But like everything else i can control in my world, it'll be ...

Every thing begins again. the shackles of a past secondhand no longer entangle me. its time to move the fuck on with my life and pretend that the damage has been undone. it never will be but that albatross of birth in my life is long gone. i waited a long time for this day. i will never look back and i feel absolutely fucking nothing. but for once the dark clouds that are my life this morning are a little less dark. the things in my head and my heart are a little less broken.  i wont even regret the last few years trying to fix my little family, even if it leads me nowhere, i've always expected that outcome. but i feel a little bad for being angry at her when there was some legitimacy to whatever the hell that phone call was. the Devils last trick that he had up his sleeve was to cause drama with the two people in this world i love the most, one conditionally. Didn't work. i have mu walls up for a reason. i just feel bad i may have hurt her feelings lashing out.  But this was ...