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Showing posts from 2024

Eye of the Witch

I do what I want these days because there is no one to tell me what to do. I sacrificed long enough in better moments of my life for people that couldn’t give a damn if i drew breath. I remember those wasted years. I am never Fucking looking back. And you know what, I don’t have to.  I’m always happy because some days it feels like I’m a prisoner in a box. But those days are fleeting compared to the days where I feel like I have completely the freedom to do anything I want. I have nothing and nobody dragging me down to their level these days trying to keep me from being whatever I want to be in this life… all of that is gone. All hopes dreams and aspirations are destroyed, so I’m just what remains. What remains is having a pretty good life on his terms… that’s all I got left. So that’s how I’ll go out. On my terms.

Bad Guy

I’ve led an interesting life. It hasn’t always been easy. But it’s always been interesting and I’ve done things that most people don’t do once in their lives and I do them Multiple times, often in the same week. When I leave this world I will have no regrets and I will be able to say i led a good life.  I’ve never hid from being the villain and the bad guy… I’ve always been one of the more interesting characters in people lives.. because one thing I certainly know is that I don’t put down roots or have stabilty, I’m a passing moment in anyones life. There are only two I am or will ever be the constant in. And sone days even to them I am the villain, these days I’m more likely to be the ghost however. Waxing poetic about the bad old years is always a dangerous place for me to go to. Those were my wild years. It’s a place I don’t live anymore. But there is nothing there for me anymore. It may appear I’m more out of control than I was then but the truth is everything I do now is carefully

Evil Dead: The Musical.

Happy Halloween. Im going to be out there doing all this wicked shit because this is my life and I’m having fun without you, I’m just making this world work for me in the only Ways I know how. Sometimes moving forward means looking back, to a world I was part of long before I met you and had responsibilities. I was happier there, I’m happier there now.  This isn’t a nostalgia tour. This is just me remembering who I once was and who and how I lived long before you took all that away. I’m having fun and I’m going to continue to do my own thing. No one else wants me anyways. Id rather be damaged alone and have epic stories than be dragged down by any anchors. This life is mine. I’m going to fucking live it. I had a life long before you, I have a life now. It’s fuckin epic.

The Writing on the Wall.

I am losing minor patience with my assigned current role in this life. I mean I can do epic shit, but it is quickly forgotten and honestly that’s not the simplest life for me anymore. I liked when things were status quo but when expectation has exceeded reality it is time for me to consider what the fuck the next step is. I always thought I would end up somewhere different instead of spinning my heels in the same damn pattern.  But fuck it. I’ll just follow along until there is a major life change Once again. God knows I’ll eventually chose one. I can’t continue to lose my mind after we do things and depend on others to carry the freight of our lives the way it seems of late that has been happening. It’s supposed to be nice epic moments instead of simply survival. I thought I had outgrown this.  Whatever this becomes something needs to change. I am becoming hardly functional and sacrificing too much before I even get paid. I need sone freedom for things in my life. 

The Prisoner: 2024

Make no mistake about anything. Im still lost within my own head. Things may have changed in my life and I am more at peace with my life and there is some semblance of order to it now… but I’ve done jail and I’ve done questioning and I’m still a little lost within my own. The reality is that I will never truly be happy or anything but miserable in my mind. It’s all four walls and a funeral. What the fuck did I accomplish in my life? My legacy? There isn’t one. Im just here. Nothing is going to change. Im just going to keep doing things and grind the axe until the end. I’m happy but my life is always going to be missing a lot because of the actions of myself and others. Then agian, I think I was born damned so this institutional mentality is nothing new to me, I made my choices. I don’t run from my responsibilities nor to do I abandon those I love… I just wish the walls weren’t folding in Agian. I shouldn’t be waxing poetic about the bad old days. Things aren’t easy now but it doesn’t s

Stranger In A Strange Land.

I am happy, I get to do epic shit like this with the ones I love on a regular basis, the fact that iron maiden is one of his favorites and I was able to do it as one last birthday gift makes me happy. I wish that I could do more with him but these special moments mean something to. The only thing missing is having my son beside us enjoying the show,  but that is a choice that is not mine. He’d be welcome to come, every damn time. But I am not going to sit at Home weeping and waiting for the writing on the wall. Im going to live and enjoy myself. I sacrificed enough years not doing anything and standing still trying to do the right thing.  Now I am doing the right thing, and I’m having fun and enjoying my life with those that are surrounding me. I choose me and I have no fucking regrets choosing me. It’s about being at peace with myself and the ones I care for in this lifetime. One troublesome piece has been swept off the chess board. And trust me that shadow loomed large for a great ma

If You Have Ghosts…

Im good with my Friends and always doing epic shit… I’m not sitting at home pining for any lost Lenore’s, I’m fuckin’ busy doing anything that I want to, over and over and over agian. The fact that I am losing track of the last memory before I even get to the next one should be a fucking tell tale sign that I’m enjoying my life with no regrets… I spent a long enough time in my life being miserable and waiting for things to fix themselves if I fought hard enough for them, instead just enough passed for me to be able to look past them with no regrets. It’s better this way, it’s always been better this way when it’s just me and those I choose to have around me… There are moments my life was less complicated, but i would rather have had the experiences I’m having now than staying stagnant and waiting for the day that never came. I know where my choices have led me And at the end of the day, I’ll stand by making the right choices even for the wrong reasons. Not all of them were wrong. But I

Refuse/Resist.

This is how I deal with the fact that I wasted my life and his in court with you, pretending that it was ever going to change. Nothing fun ever changed. We just wasted too many years being angry at each other rather than having fun memories and adventures. Now I’m doing them, so one day, for someone there will be stories to tell. That’s where things are now. I’m not angry and neither of us really won the war, but neither of us are completely comfortable being at peace either. At least when I go to the pit I can disappear into someone I used to be and forget some of my problems and wake up the next morning with an interesting fuckin story. That’s what I’m doing with my life, I can’t honestly say I care about what your doing with yours. When I’m needed I’ll be there but right now it seems very clear I’m not fucking needed.  I need an escape from my reality sometimes as I have some frustrating bullshit in it that doesn’t always help. I know my responsibilities. But I also know the skeleto

The Pale King.

I do things alone because I have a life beyond Hamilton. In both directions, some days maybe even my Toronto connections are still the same ones I was running away for as a child. I have a group of people that I have fun with and it’s separate from every responsibility both current and historical. It’s nice to have that little escape every once in a while and just be Bones.  It’s who I started out as, it’s who I’ll likely be remembered the most as. I lived. I had fun and I did things.that’s all that’s left for me to accomplish. There are days i choose to do things and buy things just for me because there are fucking people that are financial drains on me and i cant count on others in my life when push comes to fuckin shove. I love my life and i love being there for the fucking ones i love but i swear to you there are moments in my fucking life when that all i had to take care of myself and maybe my son things were simpler than having people around. Anyone i do for now has my respect an

Brothers of the Road.

I am honoured to have you as my brother and to call you family. I enjoy doing our epic adventures and doing all this crazy shit we keep doing. I couldn’t have a better person at my side during all these adventures. If I was to have just one regret it’s we didn’t do more of this when we were younger. Things aren’t always perfect but I’m trying to make it so that you enjoy as much as you can and have all the experiences I have. Id rather do stuff at your side than alone you know that.  Im happy to celebrate your special day as much as I can and as epic as we can because we know time is limited. It’s about making sure we make these moments matter.  Happy birthday Brother.

I Am The Black Wizards.

I like who i am, I like the adventures I go on with those that I love. Today just felt right and there was no bullshit and no drama. Just start to finish mutual respect. I choose to be happy and I choose to not have drama and spend my life doing cool things. There are moments in my life that can be amazing and i am glad I choose peace in my life over the drama, I have enough of that in my back pages. And i don’t need any more of it. These moments are for me and the ones I love to be happy. As for today? Mission accomplished. Happy Birthday Brother. Every year is just gonna get bigger and better.

Freak on a Leash.

  Im still choosing me. I don’t need anyone in my life that drags me down. Im good with those I care about and vice versa. Anyone else in my life can come and go, that’s always been the pattern. I choose my own patterns. I chose my own adventures just like the fucking books from when we were kids.  I do things. I do all the things that’s my fucking nature. I don’t need a fucking partner for that. Although I will fucking admit the one I cared about in 2019 did cross my mind tonight. That was a fun night. But I’ve moved past her, and moved past anyone in my back pages. Either be in my fucking life or be history. Im perfectly Fucking happy flying solo, I have my crew i do things with and I’m fucking happy with or without them. I’m at peace without drama in my life and no one is going to change that. I’m going to enjoy who and whatever I am and where I go. Wherever I end up, I know I’m fine. I’ve fought my wars. I’m good with being at peace. I’m gonna stay here and do all the things I coul

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And

I Choose Me.

I am happy. It is a rare day that I can say that I am completely happy. The best part of my day was someone from one of my dads favourite movies complimenting me on my beard. I got to meet a few childhood heros and spend time with some real friends… all of the other concerns just floated away. Just me being me with the people I care about here. That’s all I need in my life. I treasure and value my friend’s that make me happy. I don’t need anyone dragging me down. I need more happy days like today.  I like being me, I have fun adventures with those that I want to have adventures with. I don’t need it to be forced or feel like an obligation to get something. Im gonna live my life and make decisions for me and not have other’s opinions or problems affect me. I like this weird feeling. I feel normal. I feel happy. It’s not something I feel every day. 

Mercenary Attitude IX

Lets burn some fucking bridges, I’m sick of everyone that thinks they are supposedly my friend that only has a use for me for their own agenda. This weekend will tell exactly what happens next with everything but I’m pretty sure that with my responsibilities and concerns that I can continue to do my own thing and be just as happy, probably happier not bothering to do anything with these associated losers from Hamilton. I left this city once, I have no problem from disassociating from other social circles here. Same as leaving the drama associating with people that seem to love it.  I walked away from the con circuit once before and now that it is becoming mixed with other local drama that I don’t give give a damn about. I’ll gladly walk the fuck away again. I don’t need other people. I’ll just do whatever the fuck is needed to do in my life. I don’t need this and my interest in the whole scene is waning anyways.  This cosplay crap stopped being fun as soon as it started. So I’m done. I

Welcome to HorrorWood.

You want to fuck with me when all I ever did was ever try to fucking help you? I will make you’re fucking life hell. You have no idea what I have had to deal with in the last 5 years. Unhinged doesn’t even cover it. You wanna fuck with this peace I have found I will fuck with you and you will fucking regret it. I have no fucking patience for people like you in my fucking life. And I will 100% make Sure that you are not part of my life.  You’re just another loser that fucking ripped me off that i distanced myself because of the fucking war. But don’t forget I voluntarily surrendered that war. Doesn’t make me any less of a soldier or a fighter, if you want a fight don’t anonymously poke the warrior, the fucking demon will come out. The demon doesn’t care. The demon knows all your secrets too. Once upon a time we used to be friends. I ate holiday dinners at your house. I can fucking destroy you with accusations too. Too bad I’m not going to do it from a fucking computer. I’ll confront you

Hunting Season.

Please willingly put yourself in my crosshairs. I give zero fucking fucks if you decide that you want to be my enemy. It’s probably not a great place to be. I might be older, but I’m not obsolete. And while senses may have been dulled from inactivity I still know and remember enough to have you fucking destroyed remember.  So please fuck with me and those I care about. Hunting season starts today.  Deadnaming me was A very stupid idea. One I hate the name and two very few people know it. So I know exactly who the fuck you are. And I know the skeletons in your closet too.  So let’s have some fun. I may be at peace or at least trying to be it. And I’ve decided to forgive all old beefs but I haven’t forgotten them, and when pushed I can remind anyone that needs it how lethal a protector I can be. I wont fucking hesitate. You go after me and mine? I’ll make ashes out of yours. Everyone has secrets to keep. Mine have been laid bare and manner of public record. Lets see what happens if I dec

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else.  This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

The Idiots Have Taken Over.

I am disappointed in our town. It’s plastic pathetic and fake. This wasn’t the place I grew up. It’s something else. It’s not about anything but corporate money and it’s a sad joke and commentary that it’s not even our own from the city visiting the core. It’s a tourist destination. You can tell the general lack of intelligence. It was on full display. It’s a problem that is just a microcosm of what’s going on in this country and those that would speak against it are too broken by there own personal issues to care anymore. I may be from here, but it’s never been called home. There is a reason for that. It’s getting easier to live in my own skin here now. But it’s not what it once was, and it didn’t become something better. If anything it became something worse. For the first time in my life I am ashamed to admit I grew up on James street north. And thats always been a point of personal pride. But I can understand how gentrification has destroyed what once was home.. and it’s just anoth

All Outta Angst.

I dont care anymore, there is nothing to fight in my life anymore. No one cares and nothing but organized and controlled chaos on the street. I’m done fighting, I hung up my boots long ago. Theres nothing in this world to be angry enough to bother with. I just feel apathetic. Once upon a time I thought I was going to change the world and I wrote poems to that effect, and now I can’t even be bothered to hang amongst the humans of Hamilton for any longer than I have to. No wonder I lost weight and went pale this summer. I used to like the art stuff and being connected to it as a busker. But it’s just a reflection of what this country is becoming a and worst case, I don’t care. My younger version would have railed and spoke his mind on all this shit.. I would have rebelled. That’s all I was ever good for. Being the rebel.  Now I post on fucking instagram and remember my glory days when I was someone, and something. We all know how that Ended, multiple cities, multiple times.  Im not sure

Friday the 13th Part V - A New Beginning

We need to start over. I don’t know where, I don’t know how. I wont beg and I wont booed to ask you to be my wife. But I am here. You know where to find me and I will always be here. Some serious questions and thoughts have presented themselves this week, but i just want our beautiful moment, our lives have been wracked with enough trauma and pain. I just want to give you the thing I’ve always wanted you to have, you’re safe in my arms, you’ve always known that.   I know what my responsibilities are. And maybe it is time to start over. We have that option we have always had that option.  I will always do what’s right by you and our son. Even if it costs me personally. Thats not even a question. And I have my reasons for standing my my ground all these years. It’s just the rules of engagement have changed. We are in a better place now regardless of where we are.  It’s been five years since you sent those messages and we finally made peace. I should have chosen you then. Im sorry I didn’

Before The Dawn.

We will figure this out. Maybe not today, maybe not tommorow. Although tomorrow would be a nice surprise. It will come to us eventually. There has always been love. There will always be love. I know where I stand at the end so do you.  I do love my life and my adventures. But there will always be two somethings missing until we fix that. There is one more moment planned. Hopefully you don’t make me wait that long. I will always be here. I love you. Thats is unconditional. If you need me there I will be there. Period. I will always be beside you. I should have been beside you a lot more. Theres a lot of regret about those moments. I will be there if asked now. 

24th Anniversary.

 I tried last night babe. I wanted to take you to that concert. As it was I was late for one of our songs. But it would have been nice to have you and My Son there. Whatever the outcome ever ends up being these days I’m glad that you were and are in my life.  There is no anger or anything anymore. Just peace in my life. A life I want to share with you more than anything. The time will come. Maybe it’s not today, but when and if you call I will pick up the phone. I always do.  There are days without anger and judgement and today is one of them. Im not there, not yet. I want to be on our corner, or maybe another place I’ve kissed you. But we aren’t there yet. Maybe Christmas, maybe next year. I have one promised day left and you have a few more before that that are maybes.  I really missed you last night during one of our albums. And I wish you and him had been there. I would have asked you. There was one of our perfect moments.  Next time, happy anniversary babe. I love you. I will alwa

50.

I’m not there. Maybe for the anniversary. Maybe for Christmas. Maybe next year. But I’m not there today. I want to be. But I never expected after all these years, and especially all the work put in the last five years, to be this fucking angry with each other still on your fiftieth birthday, yes, I do love you, I’ll observe in it in my special way. Yes, I’ll take that phone call today and send the usual message.  But I have no intentions of being where I should be agian, we aren’t there yet. I don’t want to ruin your special day with false hope. We aren’t there yet. So I’m not there. I’m beginning to wonder if we will ever be there. Maybe it’s better if we are not.  That being said one day I will make some kind of effort to make that happen, it just won’t be today. Today is your day.  Just know you are loved and have a happy day, and I’ll find another one. Today it’s Unconditional.

I Don’t Like Me Anymore

I know what you took away, from the very start. Who the fuck wears white and cream coloured khakis. I mean I had style I had a cream coloured suit. But the shoes were doc martens... you can’t fall in love with a punk rocker and think that your going you’re going to ever change him. 24 years of practice and you still haven’t fucking figured that out.  No one can fucking change me. Not even me, not even if I wanted to. Which I have and absolutely never will want to. You were the only person I ever tried to change for and what did it get me, behold my empire of shit, behold the ruins, a crown of thorns that lays upon my head. You’d have me crucified but you just haven’t thought of it yet.  I know what you destroyed. I know what you took away. I know I allowed you to do it because I played by the rules. Rules you don’t understand. Trust me you never did. And that’s why we aren’t Together. And that’s why you wouldn’t let me be happy somewhere else with someone else in the place where I was

The Punk Show, 2024 edition.

I don’t care, I do things. I don’t need a ghost from 20 years back affecting things with no true emotions behind it. I don’t need your drama. I have enough of my own. One reason I like slipping into Toronto and doing my own thing is because when I was a runaway and a homeless street kid on young and queen it was a world before you, and even before that being part of the punk Indy scene here... this is a second adolescence for me, I’m being fucking me.. someone I’ve swallowed since the day Tupac died. I don’t forget where I was sitting on my 20th birthday and his 15 birthday. Those dates are significant.    There’s a reason. What the fuck was the point of trying to improve myself, all that ever fucking brought me was misery, including you. Three days before your fiftieth birthday and your still pulling this shy because I acted like a millionaire for a weekend because I have good Freinds and family. I’m gonna live my life. I’m going to have my life. I’m gonna do things. I’m going to have

Wait and Bleed

  There are reasons i stand my ground and I don't back down from this. not from you, not from anyone in your life. I'm always going to be there. whether you or i like it or not, this is the sword i sacrifice myself on.  The ultimate reality is that you need me more in your life than i need you in mine. and its a flawed sense of responsibility that keeps me coming around and dealing with all of your shit. i walked away 5 years ago to protect you and him, why the fuck are you still in orbit? its been almost 20 years since it ended.  This is our last moment, wherever it goes from here, It will end. there has to be an ending, this thing cannot remain open ended. we need to finish the story, we need to finish the chess game. we have been at stalemate long enough.  There are moments, but I planned this one a long time. And there’s always an excuse or something happens and leaves it the way it always is, unresolved.  I walked away once to protect you, at this point I’m considering wal

Witch Image

I go to the dark places for comfort because they are the only one thats ever have been fucking safe for me. We stand apart of society. We always have. one of us had a choice, the other didn't.  i embrace the darkness because thats all thats left. i tried to walk away to give you a better life. You wouldn't fuckin let me go.  You still won't. but you don't give me any reason to follow you down the white rabbits hole... you might be alice, but I'm not the mad hatter or a fuckin chesire cat.. I have my own delusions to entertain. I refuse to live in your world because of  the plastic poison people you entertain far too often. there are enough fakes in my life, I don't need any more knives from people i don't trust in my back. there are already enough embedded there from those i do trust and once loved. there will be an ending. Soon.

Sonne.

The moment gets close, and while there is hope there are also questions. Im stubborn as a mule and I only do things on my terms. i feel like I'm being manipulated into keeping my word. which was never a question to begin with. I was always going to be there. that was decided a long tine ago. The problem isn't that either of us are ready. We've been ready. The problem is that you have to earn being by side. There have always been terms and conditions and none of that has fucking changed. Answers and truths need to be told. and there are days i question that you are capable of that. Ill take the light while i have it, but i still expect it to burn me as usual. It is in your nature. I may be the scorpion, but you have always been the fire. and the only thing that fire knows how to do is destroy. The difference is I'm a force of fucking nature. I'm unpredictable and uncontrollable like the oncoming storm. You cannot fucking predict me, and you never could. thats what I&

Eagles Fly...

My Life changed in the summer of 2004, everything is about to change agian. for the first time in a decade i will have an answer. and i am preparing for either one. but this is a something that has been planned prior to your birth little one, We just took the long way round. I will be prepared for either answer but its time to do it. its time to keep my word. even if its a refusal, I need this moment. I need to be one day able to look my son in the eye and say i tried.  Whatever I am in this life, her husband, her devil, her enemy, her best freind, her emotional support animal, I am first and foremost you're dad. thats always going to be priority number one. the rules just changed a few years back and maybe there is love agian. Im always going to try to do what is right by you and your mother.. even when sometimes when dealing with her it is with gritted teeth. She's still your mother and i need to accord her that request. She needs this, and me in your lives. her actions are s

The Future is a Foreign Land

We don't hate each other, we aren't enemies. we are simply something else. what that is I don't know, at this very moment i don't think i care because you're daily life doesn't affect me. just like mine doesn't affect yours. but this future planning we discuss shouldn't come after the end. I have always deserved better, and I know my value. thats why we weren't together then, thats why we aren't together now. you are jealous that i survived and i have a good life and do cool and awesome things without you and him, but heres the thing... you should be at my side doing those things with me. that option is coming. i haven't decided to close the door on it yet... but i have decided to call your bluff on it sometime soon.  thats where i am at.  i am calling my shot. either we will have a moment in the next few months or we will not and you'll be left wanting and waiting again. I told you on the telephone, its on my terms now... and there are t

Poundcake Pipe Dreams

There were at least 3 songs tonight that i could have and would have popped out the ring out with. each of them had significance. but we aren't, and possibly will never be there yet. Our lives are drifting apart again and what was once important to me in regaining, is now becoming an afterthought again. I am happy and satisfied with my current lot in life and just being in orbit isn't enough to make a big sweeping change. i will be there soon to keep my fucking word but i have no expectations. but it would have been nice tonight to ask during why can't this be Love or or when its love. sorry babe, they didn't play hot for teacher. But we aren't ready regardless. one day ill just find another moment. but tonight? might have been a nice moment. first time i regret not pursuing you harder to come to something with me. then agian, just like whatever i am in your life, you are an afterthought in mine... i just thought of you a lot during some of our love songs, But its s

The Pusher.

  I Am happy and I'm having fun with my life. its gonna take some serious changes to ever change that. i used to think that was what i wanted but I'm not so sure anymore. i think i value my independence more than i value that. I've had to fight to be my entire life, and now I'm just being me. i don't have to hide who i am anymore. the black shadows that orbited my life are dead and gone. there is just me and i'm having fun. thats all thats needed for the moment. This is where I am in my life now. its a good place. i think I'll stay here.

My Way.

For once i get to win, and For once i get to feel like i have won. i waited a long time for the freedom i now have. i want my life exactly as it is, without the spectre of darkness and hate overwhelming everything, I know I'm not perfect but i also know at my core I'm a good fucking person, i just go off like a bomb every once in a while. but id rather live my life uncompromisingly, and Live my fucking life. than to settle into a life where there's a possibility of being forgotten. you may love me, you may hate me, you will fucking respect me. You will never Forget me. not one person I've interacted with will ever forget me. Even if I'm a negative Memory, I am still a Memory. I won't die alone and forgotten. Ive always expected to die in a blaze of glory and leave a scorched earth in my wake, but for right now, i think the concept of living, and living well and enjoying my life appeals to me more. But like everything else i can control in my world, it'll be

Year Zero: Sins of the Father.

Every thing begins again. the shackles of a past secondhand no longer entangle me. its time to move the fuck on with my life and pretend that the damage has been undone. it never will be but that albatross of birth in my life is long gone. i waited a long time for this day. i will never look back and i feel absolutely fucking nothing. but for once the dark clouds that are my life this morning are a little less dark. the things in my head and my heart are a little less broken.  i wont even regret the last few years trying to fix my little family, even if it leads me nowhere, i've always expected that outcome. but i feel a little bad for being angry at her when there was some legitimacy to whatever the hell that phone call was. the Devils last trick that he had up his sleeve was to cause drama with the two people in this world i love the most, one conditionally. Didn't work. i have mu walls up for a reason. i just feel bad i may have hurt her feelings lashing out.  But this was y

Go To Hell.

I have lost twenty years of someone else's life because of you, i wasn't even important to be contacted to mourn. i don't feel anything, just the anger that has always been a part of me. But it shows at the End how little i was respected or thought of. Then agian you were excommunicated from my life in my teens, and I simply don't think of you. you are simply just another  person that doesn't exist to me. simply forgotten.  i was busy having fun the day you died. That is a victory of sorts, and No fucks given. Then again I am, and was everything you would never have been. I fought, I did things and I stood on my own two feet. i still do. Its gonna be a lot easier to walk thru my home downtown now. ill still bate it here because of you but i wont be looking over my shoulder anymore. i simply don't care.  i have no regrets only the one that it wasn't my hand at you're throat when it should have been multiple times. I don't want to ever be you. i spent

All That Remains....

Hey...It's going to be hard to learn a great many things about me, but one I'll give you for free... I am no one's son. I knew this day would one day come. And i feel nothing. its fitting that the truth is that i only found out on the internet about your passing. i hope you died alone and miserable. all that you deserve. A chapter in our lives has closed. I am all that is left and when i am gone that name dies in the ground. its been beat and bloodied too much anyways. its not my stain that caused that. I was cursed from birth. You destroyed me and my siblings and you destroyed any chance of a normal fucking life, it will always be on you. I'm not sad you are dead, I'm just sad it didn't come sooner, and at my hand. I always figured that it would be my hand at your throat, even if you took me with you.  You died with a whimper not with anyone to truly remember you. that's all that was ever deserved.

What Sober Couldn't Say.

I need to make a Decision and choose some actions sooner than later. time is running out. I know that I'm not the only one afraid of it, but some days like today you really have to think of things and put yourself in the others shoes and wonder if we are better as a unit than as a broken, flawed fucked up family that jist has things as status quo. my problem isnt the when, those moments have already been decided. I've just tried to accelerate the process the last few years and you weren't ready.  but the time in the hourglass has ran out. there are two true moment's left and they are a year apart. Its the how. there have been a few perfect moments that were ignored but i did try. i will always try. same as i will always be here. But all of that, is always on my terms. I've earned that.  There is a black hole in our lives and its where you live. i left twice.  i only looked back for you once, and i only came back  for two years because of him. its not my favourite pl

Kittie.

I will burn fucking bridges from beneath me if i feel like I am being used or turned on. trust me on that. i have no patience for pretty words or drama from people who are barely in my fucking orbit. i have forgotten those i actually loved more than once without a second fucking thought. i am under no illusions that i wouldn't walk away from you now. there is nothing keeping me tied to you except our adult child and a trauma bond. why that i think that would have ever been enough is beyond me. it isnt, it wasnt. it will never be. I'm happy, I'm having fucking fun, and I'm not gonna let anyone ruin that for me at this stage of my life. ill just do me, if things change and you come around. I'll let you know if i'm fucking interested. i can do darkness, i am rejecting people around me that are fake and plastic constantly. i don't need that in my life. i only need honesty and clarity. and sometimes if i don't see that i wont care. i'll go down into the r

Same Asshole.

A lot of people that aren't important are pissing me off, and given that i ghost people i actually love and care about over the years. these new plastic people that think they have anything fucking on me, they can go fuck themselves. you might not have known me back then, but i do have a reputation that precedes me.  I havent changed as much as i would like to in this world, and if you get on my bad side you will know it. not by words, not by actions, just by silence... because anything more than that... you should fucking fear. but i am not that man anymore, at least i'm trying not to be him. but I am still angry, and i am still poor and hungry on the wrong day, and you don't want to cross him on a bad day, because he's still a feral child inside, the lost abandoned person i was raised as,  i just let the worst thing happen to me in this world, i attempted to allow myself to be civilized.  it didn't take, i'm still a threat internally and externally. I'm ju

Smackdown 2024.

I have responsibilities. I don't run from any of them, but it was nice to disappear into the man i used to be and just have a fun weekend with my friends all weekend. there were no worries and no drama, and that is how my life is supposed to be.  I don't run from what needs to be done. but i don't need to carry the weight of the world and always carry around all the guilt that i couldn't have done better. because you know what, the same guy at WWE this weekend was the same guy trying hard to be a father and good cyw back in 2009 the last time i did smackdown solo. i haven't changed all that much. The world around me did.  ive adjusted. but I still care and i still enjoy the person i am. period.  

Heatwave.

I had a good time last night and this weekend, doing something i wanted to do, with people i actually care about. this is the next step of my life. just to be happy. I don't need drama, I don't need pipe dreams, i just need friend's and family around to do the things that we enjoy and thats fine. ill find the next step eventually. but right now i'm happy with our adventures and just taking a look around.  i have the things in life i need so its just about doing the things i couldn't do before. i don't need much else. I just need to be happy and i don't need anyone else's approval on my choices. 

Scars.

I Do hate the world, and what it and you have made me. there is no prison i have ever been in, and don't forget i was raised in one... that is worse than the one in my own fuckin head. its so much easier to withdraw and hate everyone than keep trying. even those that you love will eventually fucking betray you. So be it. You want me to be a monster, your demon and devil? fuck it ill embrace it. I've never pretended to be a good person, I have just tried to be one. but there is no ignoring my true nature. i'm one with the darkness, and my own demons no longer scare me the way the should you. I embrace all the bad sides of my nature because i know that there are worst things out there. I am getting real sick of everyone's bullshit. when my life goes to ruin and some people are around to not contribute,I am fine. i'm always fine because i force myself to do it on my own, and i move the heavy chess peices on my own for any fuckin plans i have ever made. but i'm star

Forgive, Not Forget.

Things arent what they once were. not with anyone. nothing is taken on faith or trust anymore. Trust and being trustworthy is an absent concept to too many in my life. so instead of caring i think I'll just withdraw and simply not trust anyone. it worked so much simpler for decades of years. every time i let my guard down people fucking disappoint me. so its time for that to stop. I'm pretty sick of peoples petty jealousy's and drama affecting my life. Ill stand alone its what i have always done. i don't mind doing it agian. everything in my life is an adventure. some are just better than others. I've done alone my entire life, i don't need an ensemble cast to be me. and i don't need hangers on, either be my freind or be cast aside. if you're fucking two faced i will eventually find out. Im not playing politics or stupid little drama games with those i actually care about. mere acquaintance even less. I've got no fucking problem standing alone in a s

Stuck In Your Head.

its an illusion of me in your head that you have. it's just an ideal of the boy i once was, all damaged and shattered back then. he isn't the man i am now. you always seem to forget that those good pieces of me you carved away a decade ago. i am simply all that remains of that good idealistic man, theres a few pieces of my soul missing, the ones you took from me. you destroyed who i am, it doesn't matter if i still see myself as that person, Ill never be that person again. you took all that away. you destroyed all that was good and pure and you wonder why i embraced being the Villian?  thats all on you.  I'd rather be the bad guy in your life, because at least that way the perimeters of our relationship are fuckin defined. and I'm free to have my peace and enjoy my life. I'm not even close to the true villain in your life, you have worse ones in your head and that's not even the most affected part of our lives.  My nightmares don't compare to the reality

Psycho Crazy

  I don't know where we stand. and i don't know if it's malicious, fairytale or just you trying to stay in orbit in my life for some strange reason, but when we are on the same page on some shit but so far away at the same time its odd that you would do a thing to change everything. I do things, and i do them in my own way... this is how my life has always been. sometimes the stars align and we are on the same page. sometimes not.  our problem is there is no trust and no faith in each other. and as long as that exists and we don't we will never get off the ground. you cant have a relationship without understanding and trust. and while I'm willing to do one without question snd with open arms, the other was broken a long time ago and you're actions have still not changed enough for me to trust you. No trust no relationship regardless how much some days we both may want the security of it. we cant subsist on old memories to go forward. those days are over the worl