Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I'm back Bitches.... batteries are recharged and I feel ready to take on the world.... the fact i get a little added extended vacation out of the deal helps too as there is really no reason that i need to ever be heading home at this point, the nomadic lifestyle is easy and it suits me but the reality is I have to make some concrete plans for my life and future and use the forward momentum from this last month and the way i'm feeling to enact some real change instead of just saying I'm going to do something, the chess pieces have to be carefully places, the pawns placed and sacrificed and every move has to count, No more acting on Impulse like I am usually prone to do it's time to be the destructive force that has been my life and channel that energy into positive things again... I am good person and I did not deserve any of the last year... I can't belive it took the last month to realize how much of a person I am and while a part of my soul is missing and most of

I don't want to go back home... i dont want to go back to my former or current life and deal with my repsonsibilties and shit anymore.. i could just as easily stay here and vanish into legend, i met someone amazing tonight who is my equal on such a cerebal level and there's nothing sbout it that isnt more than freindshipo which is awesome.. but she is very much like me.. and the fact that i have spent the month with some of my oldest freinds and most loyal freinds is awesome.... there aren't many other places that i can feel as comfortable or as home as windsor and some decisions will be seriously made in the near future to facilitate the next step in my evolotuion because i am sick of being stagnant and miserable... if i'm going to be someone else and start anew i'll do it where i have roots and where i am most comfortable.... Current Mood: Awesome. And no matter what they did to build this city back up again -- for the rest of time -- it would be like nobody ev

It's time to go back to hamilton but I really don't want to.. here it's the little things that makes things all worthwhile, my friends, the easy availability of getting around to do things and the fact that in my life i was happiest as a University of Windsor student, I was happiest when things were not complicated in my life, I had fun while i was here and there are definitely some things to consider in the next few months... but for the moment I'm done... it's been a nice vacation but it's time to go back and face the real world.... Current Mood: Happy. Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration.

There are memories here and there are things That I remeber and can't look away from here... But sometimes that's all they are.. ghosts of past that isn't the present I never once in my mind considered that this wouldn't be the place to spend the rest of my days, but i also didn't think of the way my life would turn out, I can and will return if and when I am given a realistic choice, but right now the good memories outweigh the bad memories here and you know what that's a good thing.. most other places the bad memories are all that I have.. the fact that I am and Was happy here with No real issues.. is a Good thing. Things have changed but this place is still Home and i am a not a Stranger in a Strange land here. this place Still Feels like Home... and Now I have to leave it again... Current Mood: Sad. It was a life I didn’t want to leave behind.It was a life I didn’t want to forget.

Another thing relized from my stay here Is the fact that i have not changed, At my core I am still the same person I am and have always been, the world may change around me but the more i continue to be the same fucking person I have always been the more the light at the end of the tunnel will end up with vindication, I just can't lose sight of that in the darker times, I can be whoever I want to be... but I have to make that direct choice and continue to be the strongest person I can be without losing sight of my true self, the one that comes out most of the time for freinds and family when im not miserable and just be me... No forced fakeness, No trying to please others, just the person I know that I am. the person I won't change being for anyone..... being myself is the best weapon. Current Mood: Happy. Can you put a price on peace?

Another day and my epic trip is over, And i have learned that while this place feels like home, and things have changed here but not so much that i could not return if i chose to, my freinds are my freinds and the people here wherever i may go are always going to be around and always going to stand by me.. there's a few that may have fell by the wayside but my good freinds will always be there, no matter if they are here, hamilton, brantford or wherever, it's about who supports you and has your back and that's all that's fucking important, will i miss the freedom and the anyoninty that i have here that I no longer have down In the other end of the world, sure, but you know what, the last couple days all I have talked about is my life back home and my child and how important that is to me.. it's time to go back, batteries recharged and finish the battle... i have accomplished once agian what i set out to do here and have a few ideas of where the future could tell me,

I see things in very black and white terms and their is no shade of grey, it's annoying to see friends that i care about and their fucking lives making decisions that i know will end badly, i get it when i visit here I'm living in fairytale land, but i do not do that all of the time, some people do.. maybe that's the source of my problems but it's sad to see when someone around me is doing the exact same thing in an effort to destroy any happiness.... i can't sit here and be Samson and help deal with your issues when I can't even actively deal with my own, trying to be the peacemaker in a situation doesn't help when i have the voice of experience, but I'm fucking bitter and when both parties are playing fucking games and putting me in the middle what the hell should I do, yet another thing i hate about Windsor is for every solid person i know their are ten fake people, and I'm not taking a side as you are both friends but someone's acting fake in

This is where i am most comfortable and it will hurt once again leaving again, there are experiences and friendships made here that i could not have had anywhere else and relationships made that i could not have had anywhere else, that being said i am grateful for my supports from family and friends down in the other part of Ontario as well, but I do come to Windsor every few years just to clear my head.. Windsor was the first time i had any clarity or maturity in my life and maybe i am looking at things with rose colored glasses, but i know i enjoy myself when I'm here and i am sad when i have to go... that being said it's almost time to do just that, back to my life, i spent a month living a fairytale existence playing guitar down by the river, but as the song says this was my life.. it's nice to know that i can always return to it at any time and i will be exploring that as an option but right now it's time to go back to the real world and deal with my reality. Cu

I led an Interesting life here, and cannot wait to get back to it.... this vacation has been awesome and it's been more of a just go home for a month and see if anything has changed..... nothing has changed..My friends that matter are still here.... the places that i loved hanging out in that are still standing are still here... and the world i left is the one I remember... this place, this neighborhood is home.. there's only one thing missing and i wish i could share my happiness with him, but even new friends that are mostly awesome make this so worthwhile to be here, Windsor is such a happier state of mind for me... i wish i could stay forever but as the time clicks down i am aware that there is an exit strategy once again... I remember why I left, but those reasons save one these days are so petty.It's Time for me to remeber Exactly who the Hell I was agian.... I've done that this month... Current Mood: Happy. Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you

It would be very easy to leave my current life behind and return to my established life that part of my soul has never truly left in Windsor, large chunks of my soul are located here, and their is only one thing keeping me from returning full time, i cannot say that regret leaving because I don't... their were bigger things to deal with at the time.. but this is the choice not taken and the options are here, the friends are here, and the personalities i like to surround myself with are here... here it's just like I never left.... Hamilton, I am a ghost rotting in an empty house, all my accomplishments there are gone and I am barely holding on... it's much easier to deal with the devil I know from here than to wonder what the future holds and the future will be there.... The push will begin very soon when i return back to Hamilton, but it would be very fucking easy to pack up and forgot about the whole central region and just come home.... here, i could be on my street wher

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed in Windsor, I have so much more here to appreciate in my life then i do elsewhere, and the whole fact is that I come home to visit and have no judgements, people welcome me with open arms and I feel comfortable and secure here... I made it here on my own, It's hard to look back and remember these things because the truth is.. unless i choose to run away completely from what my life is now, this is a memory, a nice place to visit but so much has changed it would be sacrificing a great deal of the person I am to return, Much like i sacrificed a great deal of the person I was when I left Windsor in the first place, absence my make the heart grow fonder, but i am a ghost here and a ghost there.. i am trapped between the life i should have had and the life i never wanted.... I can always look back, but sometimes all i see is nothing.... This should be my current status not faces in a rear view mirror that i sometimes come to

Nothing like going out with my buddies for an early morning adventure to see a classic movie on the big screen at Devonshire mall, there are so many little things that i had forgotten I'd enjoyed living up here in Windsor, of course this morning was definable the first time i really felt a little sad as in an ideal world my little man would have been beside me shouting Cowabunga!!!! and enjoying the movie and we'd be visiting friends on vacation, rather than me taking a month off the grid in Hamilton to get my head together, and try and remember what a normal life was like.... the last time i posted about ninja turtles was a happy moment... this one should have been as well... and it fucking sucks that someone else has taken the happy little memories away from me... but you know what... one day soon.. that will change... and if it doesn't I go down fighting, Like always. Current Mood: Sad. All fathers care for their sons.

There are things left undone here, and there are tons of memories both good and bad here.. i am not going to be leaving here without anything but a sense of purpose and the reality is if I want to, someday very soon i can return here and my life that I had then and the life that i would have now would not be so dissimilar, only one thing would be missing, and that honestly is the only X-factor. I need to start working on dismantling the house of cards that my life has turned into and really sit around and give some thought to the next action on the fractured chessboard that is my life, I can no Longer sit around waiting for something in my life to change.. I have to change it for myself, being here has opened my eyes, I am happy here, I am comfortable here... and the truth is I never should have left and although i had my reasons there is the fact that it remains the one place where everything in my life has led up to... and everything past here... with the single exception of my child

There are constant reminder's that this used to be my life and it isn't now.. it's sad when i see old friends and old places and wonder what things could have been on the path not chosen, but i look at other people and friends and understand that even if things had been different we still would have moved on and grown apart, but that's cool... i'm not hanging out in the past and trying to recreate what was... I am much more comfortable knowing in my own skin that i could return and start a new life same as I did ten years ago....i have roots here, people that i care about and people that care about me...I have some options here and elsewhere and unlike elsewhere it doesn't feel like i am slowly moving backward in my life.. i am respected here and I Have something here that can never be taken away, good or bad the friends and colleagues i made here were on my own merits not because of anything, i didn't limit my social life to one person and I didn't care

I have to wonder what the next step is when someone that I trust in the Uwindsor faculty is echoing an idea about going out to Vancouver that i have had in my head for months, it would be very easy to leave here with no ties and be the nomad agian, Vancouver would make things easier... all but one thing that i will not fucking sacrifice, I do not need to play that round of dice until I have exhausted all options here, but it is interesting to see that the idea is coming from one of my most trusted advisers here at the university, I need to keep playing the wild card in the hand I have been dealt and dealing with whatever needs to be and can be accomplished here, I can't give up hope or give up on the real world and move on before everything i can do, is done... Leaving here was a mistake, I'm comfortable in Windsor and it may have cost me my academic career, but like all good things born of fire... it can be resurrected. Current Mood: Determined. If fate means you to lose, g

I am comfortable here and I am Happy, but I am aware that my time here is limited and that responsibilities call me elsewhere when my vacation is done, but I am back in Windsor for a reason and I have a game plan for the end of the year which will affect things in more than one way and will no longer be me counting the days and looking at the walls of my apartment... Change needs to happen, If i had known what the world would look like today certain sacrifices would have been made differently... it's sad that my life has turned into an episode of Maury, and how different had my life been If it had been you're not the Father... But i am the father and every decision and action in my life then and now reflects that, that being said there is no fucking reason why i can't accomplish what i set out to do in the first place and get my life back together, If i am only going to be a weekend dad why don't I go back to school, regardless of anything she can try she can never take

I am Comfortable here, this place has always been more home and the only place I ever put down any real roots... my friends are here and non judgmental and I can do what I want and need to do out here without having to answer to anyone other than the voices in my own head.. I should never have left, when i lived here i was an individual and I did what i wanted to, not any preconceived notion of what path i should follow... years ago i changed that to be the role that is the most important but at this stage in the game if i can go back to what i was years ago it's worth consideration, it's not going to be an overnight decision but I am thinking that rather than standing still in Hamilton I can be moving forward here, University is something she can never take away from me... and if i go back and take a course and try and get into the third year of the program i actually want to be in after getting that course, she can't take that away either.. I am seriously considered a pos

I am Home, this place is where i am most comfortable and there are things I would change if it was possible... I am happiest here, and it may have taken a little while to get back into the groove but given a choice this would have been the Final Destination, But that wasn't how it has played out so I merely deal with what has, I am happiest when i have the wind at my hair and a guitar on my back and I'm hanging out downtown on Oulette with the wild and crazy street matching my own personality and just playing guitar and being happy with myself, It was here i came of age, here where the walls i had surrounding myself came down, here where i made peace with myself, I blurred the lines between Bones and Nick here and became a better person because of it, the good thing about being here is I am myself again and I am reminded of Who and what I am without any of the baggage that comes from The four walls and a funeral of my lives in Hamilton and Niagara, when I am here I am truly me,

My life holds plenty of questions for me and sometimes, days like today have me wondering what could have been and why in some people lives that i was once close why that I am on the outside looking in.. of course some of the reasons and rational can be ascribed to a certain person who i have had to sacrifice things for..other things are for entirely different reasons, i can't help but feel removed from my friends and some other people because i made a choice and left solid friendships forever damaged... I know that i have always been the nomadic type but it is still annoying to see who is truly my friends and has my back in times of sorrow and need and who is merely someone who say they are my friend but really all they are is someone i used to know, i understand this well, it's faded glory and old memories that somehow i am trying to live thru on my vacation to quicken me once again, I can't go back to the person i was.. and for once that person was taken away from me not

Part of me wants to be here and another part of me wants to be in Hamilton pretending everything is cool and I am moving on in my life, the truth is, only in Windsor did i ever find any stability or a place to belong... the monster did not and could not follow me out here.. but something else did, would choices and the wild chess game that might life is had played out differently had i chosen to stay I am sure of that..but my life is what it is... anywhere right now i go I am going to endure struggle and a lack of knowing what comes next... i have accepted that fact.... the only way to make sure that No One can control me is to be exactly that uncontrollable... i make my destiny no one else.... but it is getting to a point where the insanity of all my past lives makes me wonder if the paths not taken at many points in my life were not the right one... I can't imagine any other choices that i have made would lead me into this direction... now I am rolling the dice and trying to deci

I am constantly reminded that I left here by my own volition and that it was my decision and when i have returned all that is really here is memories same as every other place that has graced my presence over the last 36 years of my existence, I see no clearly today anything than I did yesterday and all my education is for naught... things in this world can be taken so easily away from you, seeds of destruction can be planted by anyone and when one is used to in a great many ways being self destructive himself it doesn't help when one does not claim roots or look in the rear window to the past for any reason, it was always the point of moving ahead.. i should not be in reverse gear and looking at what I left behind... I did that Once, I got exactly one important thing from that relationship and almost 12 years of hell.. and he's only going to be 9 this year... Looking back never did me any favors... I came out here to begin a new life in 2002 and now it's 2012 and is it any

I am Not missing Hamilton at all, there is something missing here and i am not sure if that is because of me or because of the fact i walked away from everything to be one thing that is most definitive of my life and that is being a father, it is the one thing that defines me... it has to... but i sit around and wonder with all the different experience in my life what options i had here, i should still be in school or at the very least graduated and doing something more with my life, if i was here i would have some kind of musical endeavor going on more than just playing a fucking guitar outside of a liquor store attempting to find enough money for cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey.... I have had friends here.. they are still here... of course i return and not much has changed but enough has changed, i wasn't born or raised here, but here is where I became a man, it was here on my own merits that i truly became the person I am today, but sometimes even just sitting around my frien

There are things here I want to do, and things Here that I need to do.. the first challenge is the upcoming battle obviously but there are things i have wanted to do and at one point were my ultimate goal, obviously things did not go as planned and being here, truly for the first time in years i have many doubts about the choices i have made in my life, that being said i did the thing that was right at the time, has it ended up the way i wanted to? not at fucking all, but it has been an experience, and i am better for having had such experience, there are places and things i can go do here and maybe at this point it is time to examine those options or at least use them as fodder for the upcoming court battle, I've always been able to walk away from my past and who i was, but this place even being somewhere i used to live is somehow always going to be tied to my present, even if it's just to salvage my career i may have to make a permanent return, of course there is the fact th

In some ways Windsor has changed a little bit, but given that those are only minor things and not consequential to my life this place is still very much the same, maybe the downtown isn't the vibrant memroy that it once was and if i do indeed return I will have to find employment, the fact remains that most of the people and things i care about are still here and still mean something to me, some of those things were momentarily forgetten for years due to the decisions i myself have made, now it is a bridge between what was and what is and what has been taken away, I have unfinished buisness here, on day soon i should attend to that, for the moment this place remains an option, a promise unfulfilled, i came here to accomplish something, I got sidetracked.. maybe it's time to seriously consider coming back to it, I did not take away my life someone else did, and She only Affects my fucking destiny as long as I allow her to, maybe it means that i have to make a very large sacrifi

There are Ghosts here, and things done that have long since been gone, there are options here still, there are still things for me left to achieve here, this is not the stagnant city I have came from, I can accomplish something here, Unlike Hamilton and Niagara where things have ran their course, up here in Windsor i am surrounded by new and old friends, I need to seriously start thinking about the next step in my evolution, i have also claimed that one needs to evolve or die, but lately i have been standing still watching my world pass me by... it's probably time for me to look inward and wonder how long i am going to fight a losing battle... i could come back here permanently tomorrow and it's a good feeling inside to know that, the sacrifice required is the only thing at this point that it is in question....the longer i stay here, it is often the more that i feel i have made a mistake ever leaving in the first place... what has Leaving University and Windsor ever given me ot

it is very clear to me that I have followed the wrong path in choosing to leave Windsor, This is my place, this is where I am supposed to be, the darker parts of my world don't exist here and that's the way it should be, i have to give some serious consideration to returning, there is a house with a room for both me and my little boy and there are opportunities here, maybe it's time to push and get my life back in order instead of letting the deceiver manipulate things to the point where she once again controls my life... she left once, she should never have been allowed to return to stab me in the back, when i look on the wreckage of my life it is not from here, It is my choices and my decisions alone that defined that... but maybe the possibility of healing is the choice.. to return home... and that's what this place is.. there is no past and no destiny for me here.. only that which i defined, not anyone else....and i am still the master and the determinator of that

it is nice to be surrounded by old Friends and be somewhere in my life that i am comfortable, there is no past here other than that good memories and there is nothing here that ties me to anything than the person that i am.... obviously one of these days i could put in some serious consideration to moving back, and i may just look for work while I'm up here... i think that at the end of the day it's about whats going to be right for me and my boy... and it isn't fair everything that has has happened, when i look back i see happy memories and i see someone 10 years this time who had just graduated college and was looking forward to university.... i looked backward for only one thing and that person should have been left behind the day i exited Welland.... i had no reason to look back but still I did... now i don't look behind, the person I am the, coming of age, what defines me... is all from Windsor... This is Home. Current Mood: Happy, Hungover. A demon can get into