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You Can't Go Home Agian....

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed in Windsor, I have so much more here to appreciate in my life then i do elsewhere, and the whole fact is that I come home to visit and have no judgements, people welcome me with open arms and I feel comfortable and secure here... I made it here on my own, It's hard to look back and remember these things because the truth is.. unless i choose to run away completely from what my life is now, this is a memory, a nice place to visit but so much has changed it would be sacrificing a great deal of the person I am to return, Much like i sacrificed a great deal of the person I was when I left Windsor in the first place, absence my make the heart grow fonder, but i am a ghost here and a ghost there.. i am trapped between the life i should have had and the life i never wanted.... I can always look back, but sometimes all i see is nothing.... This should be my current status not faces in a rear view mirror that i sometimes come to visit when i want to be myself again, I know why it was taken away and why It would be difficult to return, but that's still the most important thing.. but as the days slowly come to a close on visit there is going to be serious consideration in the near future to returning here.... here this is home and I'm not a stranger.

Current Mood: Nostalgic
The past is strapped to our backs. We do not have to see it; we can always feel it.

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