You Can't Go Home Agian....

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed in Windsor, I have so much more here to appreciate in my life then i do elsewhere, and the whole fact is that I come home to visit and have no judgements, people welcome me with open arms and I feel comfortable and secure here... I made it here on my own, It's hard to look back and remember these things because the truth is.. unless i choose to run away completely from what my life is now, this is a memory, a nice place to visit but so much has changed it would be sacrificing a great deal of the person I am to return, Much like i sacrificed a great deal of the person I was when I left Windsor in the first place, absence my make the heart grow fonder, but i am a ghost here and a ghost there.. i am trapped between the life i should have had and the life i never wanted.... I can always look back, but sometimes all i see is nothing.... This should be my current status not faces in a rear view mirror that i sometimes come to visit when i want to be myself again, I know why it was taken away and why It would be difficult to return, but that's still the most important thing.. but as the days slowly come to a close on visit there is going to be serious consideration in the near future to returning here.... here this is home and I'm not a stranger.

Current Mood: Nostalgic
The past is strapped to our backs. We do not have to see it; we can always feel it.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

51.

Happy birthday. Hope you are happy and enjoying yourself. I like that we are civil and communicating but i also think you need to take some introspective time and decide the next step. I want you to be happy whether or not I am a part of your life. And i am trying very hard to be. Today, this weekend. I just want to talk to you, hear you laugh..maybe even see you smile. Thats all i want. For you to enjoy your day and hear happy Birthday from me and my son. Thats all you need..to know you are loved. Happy Birthday Baby. You are always loved. No matter what. Unconditional.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

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