He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask) IV

I'm back Bitches.... batteries are recharged and I feel ready to take on the world.... the fact i get a little added extended vacation out of the deal helps too as there is really no reason that i need to ever be heading home at this point, the nomadic lifestyle is easy and it suits me but the reality is I have to make some concrete plans for my life and future and use the forward momentum from this last month and the way i'm feeling to enact some real change instead of just saying I'm going to do something, the chess pieces have to be carefully places, the pawns placed and sacrificed and every move has to count, No more acting on Impulse like I am usually prone to do it's time to be the destructive force that has been my life and channel that energy into positive things again... I am good person and I did not deserve any of the last year... I can't belive it took the last month to realize how much of a person I am and while a part of my soul is missing and most of what i define myself as is gone.. there are other things that make me.. ME!!!! and i learned and realized that while i was gone....

Current Mood: Determined.
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog