He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask) IV

I'm back Bitches.... batteries are recharged and I feel ready to take on the world.... the fact i get a little added extended vacation out of the deal helps too as there is really no reason that i need to ever be heading home at this point, the nomadic lifestyle is easy and it suits me but the reality is I have to make some concrete plans for my life and future and use the forward momentum from this last month and the way i'm feeling to enact some real change instead of just saying I'm going to do something, the chess pieces have to be carefully places, the pawns placed and sacrificed and every move has to count, No more acting on Impulse like I am usually prone to do it's time to be the destructive force that has been my life and channel that energy into positive things again... I am good person and I did not deserve any of the last year... I can't belive it took the last month to realize how much of a person I am and while a part of my soul is missing and most of what i define myself as is gone.. there are other things that make me.. ME!!!! and i learned and realized that while i was gone....

Current Mood: Determined.
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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