I am constantly reminded that I left here by my own volition and that it was my decision and when i have returned all that is really here is memories same as every other place that has graced my presence over the last 36 years of my existence, I see no clearly today anything than I did yesterday and all my education is for naught... things in this world can be taken so easily away from you, seeds of destruction can be planted by anyone and when one is used to in a great many ways being self destructive himself it doesn't help when one does not claim roots or look in the rear window to the past for any reason, it was always the point of moving ahead.. i should not be in reverse gear and looking at what I left behind... I did that Once, I got exactly one important thing from that relationship and almost 12 years of hell.. and he's only going to be 9 this year... Looking back never did me any favors... I came out here to begin a new life in 2002 and now it's 2012 and is it any fucking wonder i am on the same damn street trying to find myself, who i am, who i was, what I used to want myself to be? I left the Niagara area, that should have been the end of it, I let a posion inflict itself upon me the day i left i never should have allowed back into my life... but i look here and see others with the experiences that could have and may yet still be mine, the fact remains is that i have more to offer this world than just the one or two things that i have let myself be defined as for so many years... I don't dwell on my past, I use it to strengthen me and most of it i abandon completely but here this place as much as i feel as it has passed me by due to the actions of another, there is still promise there is still unfinished business... it's just sad that my heart does not belong here... I am torn apart and feel i have a foot in two graves where i was and where i was once... I could have been here... I could have been in a band.. i could have continued on and been an academic, a social worker and/or a teacher.. but i am defined by one fucking moment in first year university, and while I will never regret the product of that fucking relationship, as he is mine and there is unlikely that there will ever be another like him.... I still feel that had a known the path worth taking would have cost this much pain I would have chosen and alternate path, how hard is it to tell your fucking friends that while you are enjoying yourself here visiting, you can't truly come home because every day the pain in your heart get's a little bit more and more sadder... I needed away, i needed to be taken away from the constant reminders of my life back at Hamilton mountain, his room, the toys and the photographs, but i am out here and it's a holding pattern I'm on vacation only to keep from going home.. other people lives have moved on without me and mine has remained static or worse.. gone backwards in comparison.... I have never walked away from anything in my life except when I lived here.. and that was for something Even more important.. but at this point I am stuck between going Home and continuing the fight for something i believe in.. or being here in this moment and pretending like I'm not hurting... I talk a big game about a magnificent return but i wonder inside my heart.. without My little man in tow on a full time basis if that is truly something i want anymore.... do i choose the path once taken or do I choose the path that seems easiest.. i'm not sure what i want anymore... and that's the hardest part.. because whatever path chosen in one way or another will leave me Haunted.
Current Mood: Conflicted.
When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past.
Comments