Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves. I am choosing not to upload the angry blog post i made yesteray for a reason, and i came home because it was the right decision, but i know that my mental health isnt the best around the holidays, so sometimes its just better to remove myself from the equation. for what the holidays were i did have fun and i had a good time hanging out with the little bit of sunshine...And i enjoyed seeing everyone open there gifts... esp the little one.. just wish my own son was there.. that's what would have made this christmas better, at least this year for once i have hope... maybe... Current Mood: Depressed Current Music: To Live is to die, Metallica Are you willing to stoop down and consider the needs and desires of little children; to remember the weaknesses and lonliness of people who are growing old; to stop asking how much your friends love y

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more! It's not about what is missing, and trust me there's a lot that is missing, more so than other years, but i have something i havent had in a few years and that is the hope that the next Christmas will not be like this one... i have that to look forward to and some answers along the way... i have had a blast with chewbacca and yoda and sunshines and uncle georges.. and the fact that we had a good conversation and we looked at pictures of his older cousin makes sure that he is not going to a complete stranger when i do get my little not so little boy home... i'm happy that today was a good day and that he liked his presents.. my son hasnt been forgotten, and i miss him terribly, but i can't say I'm completely miserable this christmas either, and i very well could be. Current Mood: Happy.

Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: The requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world -- No, YOU move. If i'm the fucking liar according to these hypocritical motherfuckers from niagara, what the fuck does it make the lying, cheating system manipulator from st. catherines, no way gets away with this, it's time for the next fucking step, it's time to make her really fucking fear me, and there is only one way to do that, and that is to affect her wallet. im fairly certian that she cares more about that at this point than she does our son, and if i have to affect her fu

I have more respect for a man who lets me know where he stands, even if he's wrong. Than the one who comes up like an angel and is nothing but a devil. I'm getting real sick of doing anything for people when the shit blows up in my face and I am made to feel like that my contributions mean absolutely fucking nothing. Sometimes it's better to be alone, with a brick wall put up to keep everyone out. I'm forty years old I know who I want and I don't want in my fucking life. I'm sick of games, I'm sick of friends ripping me off or fucking me over. I'm sick of the people I love constantly becoming more and more distant from me... But I'm also sick of sacrificing what little pieces of my soul that I have left for others... If you are not wanting me to be a part of you're life 100% don't bother thinking I'm going to be there for 5%, 25% or even half. It's just not worth it, people are either part of my life and take me as I am and all the

Some have said that war is Hell. War is not Hell... for in Hell, innocence is spared. It's time for the next evolution and the next step, whatever's that's going to be. But If I need to put pressure and give you a reason to fear me I will, and at this point I have that reason. I'm sick of the world I live and the choices I am fucking forced to make to survive, I deal with a lot if fucking regret because of choices that were never fucking mine. I should not be looking backwards agian at this point in my life, but that's on you, you have made the choice since day one of our sons life to destroy my life thru extension of his life and the fact you know me heart and soul that I would never walk away... Forget relationships, employment, any options that make me content, as long as there is a gaping wound in my chest of his absence I will never be complete, and you know and understand that, intimately. That being said anything that cones next, that's on you... I'

Rather than the strength it takes to not lose, it's the strength to stand back up after a loss that is sometimes more valuable. Are you fucking kidding me? Days after his thirteenth birthday you're playing ball? There's no reason to read anything into that. It's time to move forward, but I have my fucking reservations. You're timing is fucking suspect and I'm not surprised. It's just another move of the pawns in the fucking game. I don't trust it. I'm fed up with the wars and the battles. Everything is just another chess move, and any games played esp around Xmas are a sign of how truly pathetic that you are. It's all game to you and if you had any soul at all it would not have come to this. This is the final end game, and there are very few moves left in your arsenal to play. but of course you are going to attempt to play everyone of them... of course, i still have my trump cards to play, you might think youre unpredictable, but youre not..

Keeping it simple today, I no longer have a little boy to call my son, i have a teenager, it's time to celebrate every year of your life including this one... 13 years my little man, hows does it feel to be this big? i hope you are having a happy birthday and when it's all said and done there will always be gifts here for you for your birthday.... and family that misses you terribly, espically some old guy that will always be your dad, no matter what. Happy birthday son. Current Mood: Happy, Sad. Current Music: I Don't Know, Ozzy Osbourne How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.

We demonize the enemy so that our opponent is no longer human. We view ourselves, our people, as the embodiment of absolute goodness. Our enemies invert our view of the world to justify their own cruelty. In most mythic wars this is the case. Each side reduces the other objects—eventually in the form of corpses. War is an atrocity committed in the name of survival. A lesson I wish I had never learned. The best revenge is not to be like your enemy. You will know who the enemy is intimidated by because they're the ones he targets and keeps beating down. When kind men grow angry, things are about to change. My life is like chess, I don't know the broad strokes, but I know my final moves in any given situation. it's time to play the game again, but this time I'm gonna stack the deck and stop trying to just go along with the fucking flow and have things just end up ending up where they always do, i have some bombs to throw that i have kept in my back pocket for so

Think for yourselves for a change. You've been pedlars: go and be merchants. You've been mercenaries: go and find something of your own to defend. You've finished teething and there's the world: crack it open if you can. I need to take care of myself and myself only as priority, I'm sick of my sacrifices not being appreciated by those in my life who only care about themselves, I've been here before and I didn't like it then, i fucking hate it now, maybe i allow it to happen, but No more, I Am forty fucking years old... it's time to do things for me and me alone... this substandard existence that only recently i have sat and seen for exactly what it is is no longer any fucking comfort for me, if it comes down to it, sometimes I'm better off alone than being taken advantage of, I can take care of myself and survive and have a half decent life but providing for other i don't need to isn't really part of the equation, when i think I'm bein

Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead Walk beside me… just be my friend One of the things that makes my life more bearable is that I have amazing fuckin friends, made even clearer by the last two weeks, the current wave of positivity I'm feeling was made possible by my best friend in the world, and I do mean that, it's epic this friendship has endured and even in our darkest hours it has endured, that means something, that means a lot. The fact that we have had amazing adventures together and done things in a matter of days most people hardly do in a lifetime, will always be things to treasure, but more than that his company, his jokes, looking over my shoulder at my best friend and constantly cracking wise will be missed for a while, but hopefully not for too long, it's time to make plans for a brighter future, I have options, more than I thought I did before, time to make use of some of them.... I would have the happy times,

Patience is power. Patience is not an absence of action; rather it is "timing" it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles and in the right way I am not surprised by today's news, you are stalling and we are playing the waiting game.. it's unsurprising that you play this game and continue to play this fucking game.. your actions are constantly predictable... it's just unsettling to the dark areas that my mind goes thru, but when this is all has been set and done at this point it will have been six long fucking years, experiences that i can never have with my son, that's what you have taken away, i can't believe that you have such disrespect for the family court system you used to take him away from and destroy my relationship with that you didn't even bother the last two times.. it shows your true lack of respect for anything but yourself, I'm not surprised at all. i know that your agenda will always be to waste time and to l

I will name him George, and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him... And never let him go.... It is both amazing, and incredibly sad that one of my friends that understands me most is on another continent.. the last two weeks have been amazing and I had trouble walking away from the airport once again and I cannot wait to enjoy his company again.. even when things didn't go right we still made the most of it and had a blast.. i am really glad that over these years he has been there for me, and the fact that i have done the same for him speaks to probably one of my most enduring friendships.. I didn't want him to go.. and i hope he gets home warm and safely... i am reflecting on my life and things like the experiences shared with him and am probably going to make some changes in my life... but it's about the things we've done.. and i have had some of the most seriously amazing experiences in my life once again with him... i hope he feels the same way... now it'

There are days and memories that remind me of the man and the father that I am, what my family did for me for my birthday speaks so much louder than words, and matters so fucking much. I am a good father, a good friend and a good man, the people I love and that choose to love me are testament to that. The fact that I have adventures along the way that others take as at the least exaggeration, and others claim that I am just fucking lying? That's bullshit, if I said I did something I did it, I've lived a charmed and epic life full of great moments, tonight was one if those, seeing a superhero film I had watched filmed on young street where I once live as a homeless youth, that was lightning in a bottle, seeing a movie filmed with my best friend from England on it's last night which was my last epic surprise, having him come back to see it with me in the theater, that speaks to friendship and character. Which if course I have none of, that's sarcasm BTW. Only one thing c

I'll kill you and your dreams tonight Begin new life Bleed your death upon me Let your bloodline feed my youth It is nice that when I was 19 and agian when I was 39 the night before my fortieth birthday that I got to see one of my favorite heavy metal bands, it's even Awesome that I got to spend it with one of my best freinds in the entire world, all the way from merry old England, that means a shit load to me, not that I'd ever tell him that, it makes some of the pain go away, and doing incredible things and making memories is the best way to live, living well is the best revenge, always, nothing more to be said. I am living in the moment, always have always will, and always by my rules and my rules alone, never bogged down by anyone else's bullshit, I face life and adversities on my terms, and I stand my ground, and little things like last night remind me to fucking enjoy my life... That's not everything has been taken away, and who I am at my core, I'm

Sport the war, war support The sport is war, total war When victory's a massacre The final swing is not a drill It's how many people I can kill There are a lot of conflicting emotions right now swimming around in my head, I'm both happy and excited about spending two weeks with my best freind and having crazy adventures and I am angry and bitter because the one thing i want most for my fucking birthday I won't have, I've been silent for a while on here for a reason because of that anger, I didn't want that bitch inside my mind, but you know what fuck it, I'm turning 40 tommorow, I'm gonna fucking enjoy it and live my life like i always have with no fucking regrets and No Remorse. i don't like the shitty hand i've been dealt but I can roll the dice, Nothing's over while I'm breathing and the fact i am and will be celebrating turning 40 tommorow, means i'm breathing, and it's with a lot of reluctance i say that because 20 year

The devil would be powerless if he couldn't entice people to do his work. So as long as money continues to seduce the hungry, the hopeless, the broken, the greedy, and the needy, there will always be war between brothers. Those people in my life that do not and never have had my back I no longer have any use for. I'm sick of some of these vampires that hang around me when I'm useful for something for them but when it comes time to return the favor, they are like ghosts, especially when it comes to money. I am defining my life and the people I associate with differently after this week and honestly some people are not going to be tolerated the way they once were anymore. There are people you can count on forever, and there are others who when push comes to shove simply aren't going to be there, it's getting clear who's in each camp and I am choosing further interactions carefully. I don't need people in my life unless I can trust and depend on them, everyo

Just because I have worked miracles in the past financially doesn't mean I am capable of still doing, when it comes to my kid there's no doubt that I won't try, but I shouldn't have to, it's ridiculous, it's time some people realize that too, I can't do this all myself, and take care of myself and others as well, one thing is going to be paramount and every thing else is just going to take second place. I know that my last vestiges of being willing to do anything for anyone unless there is money involved is being eradicated, I'm seriously done with people and being taken advantage of, there is only so far a good person can be taken advantage of, and I'm long past that point, I'm broken and hollow, there's nothing more of myself to give, not for anyone else, just for my son. It's becoming clear on multiple levels exactly how fucking much I am the only person right now that considers that a fucking priority so it's time that becomes m

Sometimes, if your opponent is determined to win the battle, let him win the wrong battle. It's not over and it will never be fucking over... all that today has done has bought you more time for your supposed fucking witnesses, I have seen thru you you and i know where the end game is.. I cannot believe I allowed myself at all to feel any sympathy for you at all.. what a pathetic fucking joke... I already know what you're going to do long before you do it.. I know how to play this fucking chess game four moves ahead of you, today was unexpected but predictable.. and what happens next, at both ends is also predictable.. but it's going to be about you, this might have been a minor victory but it solves nothing and it's merely the fact that it's more manipulation for time and the fact you have been judge shopping.. sooner or later people are going to see thru you, you're walls are cracking under the pressure and you are starting to expose yourself.. I'm gonna

You know the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit the views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. The worst part is over... now it's time to let what has bottled up for 5 and half years be exposed and let judgement finally happen, I have had my day in court and my voice has been heard, and it's not the summer heat outside that has set you aflame... it's time to burn and I've never had any question doing so.. I stand exposed.. But it's only day one, it's clear that this battle has only just begun but for the first time in a very long time i do and can feel an ending approaching.. i know how to talk and get my voice heard, and i am hoping in small way that for once it wasn't just my powerful voice that was on display today, because there is another voice that needs to be heard... and it's not my voice that

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. And one battle looks much like another when you survey the corpses after. It's time for an Ending, there's nothing left but the ending... I'm going to meet you on the battlefield next week and there will not be any quarter, there will be no mercy, No remorse, everything for the past 5 years and the last fifteen will be laid bare.. I'm prepared to be bared naked and flayed to the bone in a courthouse, can you truly say the same... there is only one thing in this world i truly fear, and you are not part of that equation, you ever have been... but let's do this.. let's end this... I'm going to respond in kind and i will not feel any sympathy for my actions, it's all going to be out there.. and I already know how the chess game ends.. you are predictable and you are yourself.. all i need to do is be patient and prepared and thi

Where something even deeper than the marrow knows that the cost of avoiding what one fears is even greater than the actual object of that fear and so the fear itself is even more corrosive even more destructive than all the frightening potential of the thing that arouses it. It's fucking ironic that at the end I am still making deals with the devil for the greater good, that was the problem in the first place, nothing ever fucking changes, that being said, if it comes down to it I offer my black soul, it's not important... If it comes to him, I'll sign in blood, my own, never his, but this is a vicious circle, one she's placed me in, for over a decade.... But if I deal with the devil for my soul, he can have it, but only on my terms, always on my terms, I don't like being placed in a corner, when I do I find a way out, but when my options are fucking limited I find a fucking way to start swinging out of that corner, I might be a demon but I'm a noble demon and

I don't suppose we'll ever know if we actually succeeded. But at worst, we failed doing the right thing as opposed to succeeding in doing the wrong. Then stop trying to throw logic at nightmares. Sometimes the monsters are real, Sometimes they're real and the only way to defeat them is to be the bigger monster. I have let this war and this battle consume my every thought, my every fiber of being, I am not sure if I know what will happen afterwards or the man I will become, the only thing that keeps me going some day is knowing that I will meet you on the battlefield soon, and the fucking odds are not balanced in either favour, so it might actually be a fair fight, but I'm not coming there to lose, even tho it's a possibility and I am prepared for that, but I will take you to your and my limit, you gave me hell these last five years, I'm gonna make you feel the same in a fucking week. I'm not going to hold back, every weapon, every piece of ammunition, ev

The second you're preceived as weak, you already are. This needs to be done, I seriously need to make fucking plans for an exit strategy when I clearly am the only one expected to do any work and just let others benefit from it, because anything that makes me fucking happy is unimportant, I'm sick if spending all my time doing so and not getting anything from my efforts, it's frustrating and it makes me sad, I have already decided to put my foot down and quit at this point minus the fucking junk but I almost wonder if it's worth it if this is what everything has been based on for the past couple years... I need to have this done... And anything I deem of value remaining on a shelf for my son. This has to come to a true end. I'm not sure where my life is going to go in the near future, but I know whatever it will be, it's no longer tied to this moment in my fucking past... This was a distraction and nothing more... I just can't hold onto past glories that a

There is no time to plan, there is no space to think. No respite. No forgiveness. There is only war. It's time to fight for more than just myself personally, that particular option seems darker and darker the more I stare into the abyss but I do question if this will truly be the end or if it's just another moment in which everything I know will end up stalled once agian, it fucking sucks being in a prison without walls, I need to gear up and fight this on all fronts, but I am so damn tired of every situation leading me back down into the abyss, a lesser man would have snapped and become something else... I don't have the time or patience for anything more in my life, this battle is everything, this war fuels everything. It's time to never back down... Even if I fail, I've failed doing the wrong thing. I'm just sick of fighting everything and everyone, but that's who I am, I am war. I don't have time anymore for petty distractions and dealing with ques

Evil isn’t the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and it’s a hell of a lot more common. What we really need is a crusade against Stupid. That might actually make a difference. No Surprise than another over entitled Man child has managed to piss me off today, for all my other complaints and bitches about walking away from this bullshit transformer things is dealing with this kids who think that they deserve everything placed at their feet, they are worse than the children I am responsible for, I've been ripped off once, I don't think that anyone is going to intimidate me into doing anything, it's time for me to stick to my fucking guns and make this a memory for once and for all.. it's been a year, it's beyond time for this shit to be done... let it crumble into rust...I left with my feet up, I don't have to deal with these punks anymore... I can find something else to do with my life... it's no longer needed...