Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected. Just because I'm not at war with you anymore doesn't mean I'm at peace with you either. I needed to step back for my own mental health. But you're actions this year and lack of any on his birthday and this holiday have proven exactly who and what you are. I don't want to fight you or hate you anymore.. but I simply don't want you in my life for any longer than I have to acknowledge you in it. As for asking me to stay, that's a goddamn fucking joke.. I'm not going to stay here and be miserable when there are a million other options our there.. just because it's what you want.. me staying close... Nope, not going to happen. I don't need to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't forget one day of my life exactly how you betray me, and the fact that for his birthday and Christmas day I had a glimmer of fucking hope in regards to seeing him... That's just

Evil is just a word. Under the skin, it's simple pain. Things are too connected to make sense right now. And there are things that don't make sense and are confusing but if you can connect the dots... It leads down the spiral... Everything repeats. I am stuck in the same motion I have always been over the years. I am standing fucking still. Waiting for the next big change or everything to turn back to black. Inevitably I expect the worst. The fact is I don't know the next fucking step. I'm trying to roll with the punches fate has provided. But it gets more and more difficult to take the fucking hits. I just know that what I have and what I want are two entirely different fucking things. I live by my wits...and I have nothing... But the sad fact is my nothing is always going to be better than you're everything because I am happy and I have enough to survive. You have only one thing in my life I want. Otherwise I have everything I need. I know at the current fu

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. I am happy, I have made my choice, the only one I was ever going to make. It was fucking inevitable that I was gonna choose the one with less drama and the one who truly loves me as i am and isn't going to force me to change based on some nostalgia and needs... I Don't need anything in this life except someone who cares and appreciates me deeply. i would rather have a moment of happiness, than spend an eternity being miserable. I don't look back much and when i do I am always reminded how miserable i was.. I don't have the same emotions when I'm with her, and the fact that this relationship has been years in the making because for a long time there was something that is and was something more important is

We all have our secrets. We just didn't get to yours yet. My life hasn't been what you think it has. We all have our struggles. The last couple weeks have been hell on earth. First I almost lose someone that I care very deeply for that has always been there. Then a door that been slammed shut for decades opens and promises me the fucking world. It's a lot to take in and deal with all at the same fucking time. I don't know where I'm going. I sure as hell know where I've been. I'm bent and broken and all I want to do is run away from it all. I'm having trouble deciding the next step. But I know I'm no longer looking backward for any fucking reason. Least of all you. It's pain... That's all it is. Too much pain.too much us happening and I can't deal with it all. Old pain and new pain. I know what my future is.. I know who I'm in love with. I know who I want to be with.. all these other emotions are just pain... They will fade.. it&

Happy 16th birthday son... i wish i was there enjoying you're birthday dinner with you, maybe if things had been different. I tried this year i really did. You're gifts like every other year are here and have been added to obviously. I miss and love you and i wish that things had made sense and i could have seen you this year.. i'll never keep trying for that, even if it means sacrificing everything. You are always the most important thing in my life. never forget that.. i won't. I hope you have a happy birthday and maybe somehow I will see you soon. I Still Miss you, I always will. Dad's here.. I always will be. I'll never be too far away from you, No matter what it costs. Current Mood: Sad.

Do not concern yourself with what I have done; rather tremble at the thought of what I am about to do. I need to run. That's my best option. Get as far as I can away. Windsor is probaly my best choice but there are other options. I want to go and be happy. That's not going to happen as long as I am close proximity. As long as I am close I will always be broken and never fully healed. I don't want to give up my things and my life but there's not much life left inside of me to have... I gotta protect the little that is left and find happiness. I can't be miserable forever and as long as I stay in this moment of time anything I do is just a fucking distraction. I need to do what I've always been good at and walk away. I've never had a home... It's a joke to think this broke ass city that even my childhood home has been demolished in will ever be home. I left for fifteen years and it's only some twisted sense of honour and duty that keeps me here. I

If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present. I was dead for a year and a half. Why the hell should my actions now matter at all to you? Why does anything matter... This all started when you cheated on me.. how many times can you forgive someone for all the shit they have done until that act of forgiveness becomes in itself meaningless... I nearly abandoned a great relationship years in the making.. for what? A fucking pipe dream motivated by jealousy and petty vindictivenes, hell even when I'm alone and without someone I'm a lot less lonely than I am with you in my life.. it's always going to be a game between us... I might be done with the anger, but I'm also done playing the game on anything but my terms and that will always be the seperating factor to all of us... I let you win so we could have peace of mind... But we still need to heal. That will never happen, I don't think. I'm not

Love is deceitful and sublime. In its truest form, it brings out the best in all beings. At its worst, it's a tool used to manipulate and ruin anyone who is stupid enough to hold it. I shouldn't love you... We are very dangerous together. But I will always love the both of you, that's something that never fucking change. That's why this hurts so fucking much. We aren't the same fucking people we were.. I wish to God we were, but we are not. Not even close... We were damaged goods before but now... Now.. we are a nuclear catastrophe... Nothing's ever going to fucking change that... We broke... There's no putting humpty Dumpty back together agian. I'm torn and conflicted but I know what the right thing is... It's not staring into the abyss. I dont want to be alone forever... But I don't want to be fighting forever also. I can't do all or nothing anymore... Given that choice I will choose nothing.... At least knowing that I chose nothing mea

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold. This is the same game it's always fucking been. The same mindgames... There's a just a new angle on it... Promise me the world but with strings attached.. the price is too high. I fought my war. I'm done with it. I'm revisiting emotions that should be dead and buried in the past that I should have fucking moved on from decades ago... But I'll always have one foot in that grave. I just can't deal with what going down that particular rabbit hole leads to. There's too much hurt and pain for everything else to just fade away and for things to be like they were.. things have changed. I'm done fucking fighting... I'm done feeling like this. I'm not persuing any of this anymore just to fight and fucking cry... I know it

My life has been on standby the last decade... Everything has been taken away and I'm left with fucking nothing. I finally find a little happiness and peace with myself and and those I love and that's being threatened too. I will always be there for my child no matter what, but I'm not ready to fight wars anymore. He only has a few moments left of his childhood. He deserves peace. We all do. I'm done my war. I'm done fighting. There's nothing left. Only love. If that's not enough, I've made peace with that... I'm not abandoning everything I have right now for the ghost of a chance that something might change... Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me....  You've fooled me a lot more than that. I am nobodies sucker... Not anymore. I love him dearly... And you're offering everything I want... But read the last 15 years of this blog... One moment doesn't erase a lifetime of pain. (And it wasn't my lifetime... It was his.)

A DEFINITION NOT FOUND IN THE DICTIONARY Not leaving: an act of trust and love, often deciphered by children I haven't forgotten where i stand with the other important things in my life either. I have been hit by a double whammy of things to deal with right now and it's difficult to process everything. but i'm still here. I'm still trying to be the man I've always been. I'm still not backing down but I'm done fighting, It's not in his best interest. The best thing i can do is be there for him, the same place I've always been. just now it's without most of the anger. I've fought for far too long for any of that to matter. I just need to be there for him now, whatever that entails.. I'm trying. I'm very confused and it is a moment that i wasn't expecting at this point in my life, but i was always ready for. it's just whatever it is. All i can do is be the man and do the right thing as far as i perceive it, there's no

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. I know where my heart lies, and what the only Priority in my life right now is. it doesn't matter whats going on otherwise, I know where I should be and I'm frustrated that I'm not and it's difficult to get there, but i'm going anyways. i just need to figure out how. I am at peace and i am not going to lose that person that gives me that peace. i am finally happy and in love with someone unconditionally, and i want to keep that for as long as i can. i Don't need to fight for it but i need to be there, You means everything right now. You've been there for me in my darkest hours. It's time to return that favor. i will always be there no matter what. I love you. Current Mood: Sad. Current Music: Filter - Take a Picture Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it me

A warrior fears the battle he missed. More than any fight he can make his own, he fears the fight that’s gone, that ended without him, that no feat of arms can change. I may have stopped fighting but there are still battles to fight and I'm still not going to back down from anyone if there is the right reasons. i spent the last decade fighting a losing battle that very nearly destroyed me and is probably never going to be fucking over, but if it comes down to it. I will fight for him every day of my life till my dying day. you don't fuck with the people I love, especially Him.. if i have to suit up and go back to war, i'm fine with that, i'm damaged fucking goods anyways, I'll gladly fall and die on my cross for the right reasons. but i hope that if this leads to anything it is the right reason.I'm sick of fighting but i haven't forgotten how to be a warrior, I've just laid down my sword. but If i have to the anger and rage is still there, i can use it

You will manage to keep a woman in love with you, only for as long as you can keep her in love with the person she becomes when she is with you I had no desire to tell anyone I was in love. I knew and that was all that mattered. I had a theory that sharing would somehow take away the love and give it to everyone else. And I wanted it. All to myself. Never fall in love with someone that won't fight for you because when the real battles begin they won't pull your heart to safety, but they will their own. We had a great time this weekend and mostly everything went the way it was supposed to. i have never been more happy with the person i am with and i completely and totally am in love and want to make some moves and changes in my life.. everything is a forward moving direction at this point in my life. there are issues and the fun is over and It's time to fight another battle but in the grand scope of things this battle is nothing.. I'll do it for her easily.. but

There are people out there who think I'm a monster. That I feed on the blood and the violence. They have it half right. I am a monster... but I don't feel a thing. It's my job. The role I've been given. The boogeyman. You do not fuck with me or the ones I love. I don't have much left but what i do have i will fight to protect and I will see things thru. there is nothing anyone can do to destroy me anymore so i don't mind being the fall guy if things go south... it's on me. I'm sick of the world we live in where one person can use words against another and destroy a person.. it's ridiculous that i have to deal with it.. when it is someone i care about.. I will go to the ends of the earth to deal with and protect them as much as i can. I don't mind being the villain and the bad guy. it's what I'm fucking good at i might as well fucking embrace everything that i fucking am. But don't get in my way if you hurt someone i care about. y

How everything you ever love will reject you or die. Everything you ever create will be thrown away. Everything you're proud of will end up as trash. I am Ozymandias, king of kings. It figures, the system is still broken and so much as i have chosen to walk away from my own personal battles i still find myself in dealing with this so called counselling.. which in reality is just another layer of pyschobabble that will accomplish nothing important, merely placate the powers that be that I'm less of threat than I used to be... First off wrong.. you can strip everything from me, My heart, my soul, my reasons for being... i'm still going to have my mind... as long as I have that i'm fucking dangerous... you can't ever strip that completely away from me no matter how much damage is inflicted on my Psyche. I'm just not dangerous in the way that you expect me to be.. i may have been silenced but my mind is still there with clarity and i still have goals and plans

Own that shit. Own it! What do you think was going to happen? Huh?... What, you were just thinking you can have a happy family and coach little leagues, and make car payments? Normal is a setting on the dryer. People like us, we don’t get normal! When there is evil in this world that justice cannot defeat, would you taint your hands with evil to defeat evil? Or would you remain steadfast and righteous even if it means surrendering to evil? I'm Frustrated, I can do amazing things with or without anyone by my fucking side and I still feel fucking empty 90% of the fucking time. It's getting really obvious that my time here is ending as soon as i can find a way to get all the medical shit I need done dealt with. It has nothing to do with my living situation and everything to do with my mental state and the ghosts of my past.... Nothing is ever going to be over as long as I fucking live here... So one of these days I'm Simply no longer going to live here... there is nothing

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. I'm happy. The last few months have been epic and I don't know where things are going but i know for sure that I am never fucking looking back. i took a chance, and it succeeded beyond any of wildest dreams.. I've done epic shit with a person who has had my back for the last eight year since the day we met.. and sees thru all the darkness and drama and the clusterfuck that my life is and still loves me for me... i'd rather have my life together and healing so i can do better by her.. but for the moment i am trying as hard as i can to make sure the limited moments we have we enjoy every second of each others company. I do have to make a decision in the coming months but at this point while I'm still doing that completely for me.. there is the added factor of my heart longing to spend more time with her.. because that's what she deserves.. and I've

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness. I am happy, No one will ruin that. That is all. the weekend was awesome. Current Mood: Happy. Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again. You Know what is worse than just Hating the mental health industry and ignoring it for most of my adult life? The fact that when i do reach out and try to get assistance that the entire fucking system is made in a way that actively resists giving people that actually need help and have a history with the Hamilton psychiatric hospital any type of assistance... I cn function. not well but i do fucking function. guess that is good enough, i guess that i'm going to have to have a fucking episode or a breakdown before I'm going to get any real fucking services... that's fine.. i got some serious suicidal ideation and it rhymes with the words Suicide by Cop. there are only a few things that keep me on this earth... one is that little boy in st catherines, two is family.. ( I won't abandon them even if they have me.), three

We would survive even ourselves, as long as we were together. I want my happy moments... I want them more than anything.. So many have been taken away that it is only now that I am realizing that i have to force these moments into exsistance rather than waiting for them to arrive... I've been beaten and broken by the sands of time and the horror in my own fucking mind... that the things that make me happy are the only things I am willing to live for anymore.. I'm done being miserable and questioning things and people around me..I'd rather burn out a bright flame than let myself ever die of complacency... I am enjoying most of the aspects of the little bit left of my life.. and that's fucking important.. I'm not as broken as I claim to be when i am having these experiences.. and the fact that I have a partner in crime that might just be as damaged as me.. at this point maybe that's what I always needed in my life.. understanding... I've spent a lifetime try

This is how it has always been with me. Give me something good, I’ll destroy it. Love me, I’ll destroy you. I have never felt deserving of anything in my life. I've got only a few bridges left to fucking burn. And the way I'm being treated maybe it's time to let them fucking burn. I am too old and beyond patience to deal with this shit anymore. Esp in whatever the hell this box I call home is. I hate feeling fucking trapped and broken. I am demolished and broken. If I'm going to be treated as less than nothing I will not be here anymore. That's not in question. The thing that sucks is that it is someone I do love and trust with everything, but mentally I do think it's safest that I walk away and find something else. Some of the others whose bridges are burning.. I'm more than fucking willing to pour gasoline on... There's only one relationship here I give a damn about and if that becomes conflict I think that I don't want to lose it no matter how d

No matter what I do, I'll come to the same end…termination. I'm going to have fucking adventures and hang out with the ones I love... I am busy making decisions and changes to my life that not everyone is agreeing with. but guess what that's not my fucking problem not anymore.. I have nothing left to prove to anyone anymore. your'e either in my life unconditionally or you aren't. I'm not taking anymore abuse or intimidation from anyone... If i'm feeling like I'm being taken advantage of I will walk away.. I have enough confusing shit in my head and I don't need anyone else else living there with me.. I finally found something that I think is fucking real and I'm trying my best to grab onto it and hold it and live a simple fucking life where some days i don't feel as broken as I always have been.. and she's a big fucking part of that I will make a decision sooner than fucking later and those that are going to be making me feel less than

One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying. ― Joan of Arc I do epic things.. alone, with my freinds or with my partner.. and i will continue to always have adventures and experiences.. that's a part of me that will never change.. a normal life is boring. even in my darkest places I've seen and done things that were more interesting and cool than other people will do in a lifetime. My life isn't Normal, why should the things i say and do be any different.. at this point in my life it's not about having things it's about doing things and it's about being with the people I love that are still here.. so many have fallen away i'm going to hold tight to the ones that are left and hold them close and for some have epic adventures that i will be able to talk and joke about for the rest of my life. Thats where i am right now, now that's

No matter where you go, no matter how far you run, you can't run away from yourself. Seriously, how many times can a person break before the only things left are shattered fragments too small to piece back together? I am fucking sick of this city and the fact as a fucking white male that getting services for my mental and physical health is a fucking joke... do i have to go fucking postal on someone to get the attention to my mental health needs that i fucking need? 26 years of not dealing with these people and every fucking second of it i had a damn good reason. i'm pretty sure the reality of my situation is that i have to move on to successfully get any help or services i need.. because the brick walls placed in front of me here are just another system of control. i rejected their help for so fucking long, they have come to the conclusion that i'm not worthy of any help now.. why the hell would i trust any institution esp the one that is probably more than a little f

A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you I am happy. This weekend was a great weekend and i had a blast at the concert with two of my oldest freinds. There are memories here, and i am still making them.. both with new and old friends that have had my back. but As with all things there comes a time where physically i am not needed to be in this city anymore.. and the depression and pain can only be blunted by things i do.. it's ever present.. and I don't feel that way elsewhere... my friends will stay my friends and they all want me to fucking happy.. so i need to decide exactly whats the best option for me at some point... it won't be guided by my heart or by anything down below.. but at this point I am looking at options and i'm pretty sure which option I'm likely to take.. having someone there that cares about me is just icing on the cake.. it'll be hard to say goodbye but then again I spent 15 years avoiding this place.. and there are

Behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the will to live. I was home. This is the place I became a father and the place I first truly had Independence in my life. The first place where the shadows of the past did not follow. There are people that love me here unconditionally and would ride and die and never stab me in the back. It's become evident that Hamilton is never going to be part of the long term game plan... I've always had options... Now I've confirmed some. It's time to.make this decision in the next year. I know one thing..when not if it's made... There is not going to be any going back. I call this place home... If I leave everything from the past 15 years behind..... It will be left behind.  There is only one thing that ties me to Central Ontario. And while I will always stand up and be there for him.. I have to do the things that are important for my mental health and happiness. I can't live being miserable anymore.. and I'm not a