Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Maybe this is where I make my final stand, maybe this is where I prove to my son the kinda man I truly am. I don't back down from a fight esp. Not one for him, I have lost the will to fight but I will fucking find it for him. Even it's the last fucking thing I do. I have always had an endgame here. The fact that old feelings that do matter have been awakened are also there is important. I have options, England, Windsor, Calgary. I'm still here waiting. There is a reason for that. I'd never go that fucking far from my family and you goddamn know it. Me going to Windsor in the first place caused all this anyways. I don't have many good memories from my time there. I barely succeeded in university and it wasnt worth being that far away from you. I'm sorry for being so stubborn and bullheaded. I should have stayed a year for you. I loved you enough to. I love you enough to now.

I did this on my own with no help and no favours from anyone not because I had to. But because I wanted to. I could have asked for help but that's not the way I fucking do things and I am a man and I stand alone. I had something to prove. It was the last thing to prove and now it's done. I'm not an afterthought or a back up plan. I do things on my terms. Always. I just needed to do this. It was for my own sanity and my own well being. As much as yours. I do understand the fact that it is overwhelming and intimidating now that I have the fucking thing in my hand. It scares me too. It scares me even more that I love you so unconditionally that I bought it.

...all the evil seem to live forever. I have thought seriously about saving myself and everyone around me that matters so much pain by not being here. But I know that it will just cause more pain if I'm gone. I don't want to burden my kid with that, there's enough done already. But there are days like today when I wonder what the point of each endless day and discussion really mean... It just seems like I'm constantly staring into the abyss of sadness. I've never been able to move on and I think neither have you.. but I don't like the darkness that surrounds this void when I'm not in you're life or I'm questioning my existence in terms of you and our little family. I can't keep going on like this I will physically and mentally break down and one day I'll just be gone. This virus and the isolation isn't fucking helping. When the only emotional support I seem to get is from my best friend and my worst enemy all in one, I h

I'm trying to figure us out. Every time I have an answer you change the questions. I don't want to walk away agian ever in this lifetime. I think that's why I fight with you so hard. I need you in my life even tho you're a mindfuck. You're the most normal thing I've known in my life and as the days pass that becomes more and more obvious to me. I just want to be enough for you and not constantly get the fucking knife in my back. You are a part of my soul, you always will be. I know who we are, isn't the people we once knew. But love remains. It isn't one sided. It never has been. We are just too stubborn to admit it to each other most of the time, and when we do, both of us have self destructive properties that sabotage everything.... That's been evident since the start. I know we are both damaged and broken, but I never wanted to break you're heart... But you think I have a hundred times. I never did intentionally. I was a child back then.

I spent my first Christmas with a woman twenty years ago... That woman was you... I never thought that would constantly break my heart the way you do this season for years to come.... I do understand some of the reasons for it, but not all of them and not all of them is forgiven. I think of you every day and the fact we have a million miles of bad road regarding the holidays doesn't help. I miss the Christmases we spent together. You'll have that picture soon. I tried babe, I'll keep trying. You know that.... But I'll do it on my terms. It's done. It's paid for. I should have done it the first Christmas we were together, I know i should have done it the last Christmas we spent together. I think that's why I made it happen this one. Fuck, I'm lonely without the sound of you're voice in my life today. I miss you. Merry Christmas.

This year was going to be different, I tried so hard to be there this year. At least my true emotions are on my sleeve and there are no illusions in my part about where my heart stands anymore. I know where I belong, it's just about being let back in. I want to come home, to my true home. Trust me I know why the holidays esp. xmas are complicated for us... But it's also the time I miss you both the most in this life. I just want one more with you, that's my only Christmas wish. You know what the original plan was, I really wanted to do that this year. I can't even get angry over missing you and him this year. You've made it clear how disposable I am, and how little I fucking rank in yours and his life unless you need me. You replace me like I'm yesterday's toy. You're right of course... I am the ghost of Christmas past twenty years ago. Back when I thought we had a future together. Back when I saw my future in you're eyes.... It'

You know the most interesting part of the last year is realizing where I truly belong and how willing I am to do anything and make sacrifices to be there. It was never going to be Windsor. I hope you know that. I was lost and just having fun. I know where my true heart lies. It always has. Even if you don't want me. It's always going to be beside you, no matter what. I lost that part of my soul a long time ago. We both lost our way. I'm just trying to find it. At least we have reasons to be damaged and we have reasons to hurt each other. It's pathetic that so called friends that said they would ride or die with me until the end showed true colours and the one I never expected to be there at the end is probably the one I'll be embracing at the finish line. It feels right. I just have one last thing to do to make it true. I'd rather take a fucking chance and lose than watch my life continue to crumble and so called fairweather friends only around when I can

I have faith in us, I have no idea why I still do. I shouldn't. Right now all I am is full of worry for you, i just hope you're not doing too much damage to yourself and our son with your choices... This world scares the living hell out of me right now as does my plan for what I'm up to in the next two weeks... Once it's done, it's done. There will not be any taking it back this time. I made that mistake once before not having it ready for you when it was needed, now it always will be. But I can't say I'm not scared of it. There are times I think I'm insane for my course of action currently. But you know me, when I set my mind to do something, I usually accomplish it, no matter the risk or the personal cost. I always rush headlong into things. I either win or I lose. This time I am aiming to win. I want you to know you are loved eternally. I don't have anything but love for you left, I don't ever want the anger and hate to retu

Something's are worth fighting for no matter the cost. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would think I would have the chance to fight for you agian. A fight I never should have fucking backed down from. I never will agian.you are so important I'll always be here. Don't get me fucking wrong. From you're behaviors I expect to lose. That doesn't mean I'm not going to fight. Because I love you, you're a missing part of my soul I have never ever been able to replace no matter how fucking much I have tried to replace the void. You constantly fucking hurt me in the times that mean the most but at this fucking point it's expected. It won't break me. One day we will figure this all out. Or we will just destroy each other. In my estimation there's not much left of either of us for that too fucking matter. I just want the little bit that is left of the three of us to be happy moments. That's all I'm trying for. That's all I'

I don't ask for help for the things you need. I usually do it alone. This fucking time I had to do it alone and without anyone else's help. I have something to prove even if it leads nowhere at this moment in time. It has to be done and it has to be done by me standing alone and without help. I made myself a promise a long time ago. I will see it fulfilled. I am always better when I have a fucking goal. You are the goal this time. I made mistakes. One of my biggest ones has been being too proud to provide for us by using my disability to gain an advantage. I had to hit rock bottom and lose everything to abandon that fucking pride. I should have done it years ago when I was in Thorold. Things would have been different. I think that's one big reason my first choice with disability is making sure that one day we will have that option. It's not something I've been able to do easily since 2003. I'm doing it now. I feel it's important. I wake up every d

I'm you're only forever and we both fucking know it, sadly. I'll always be here to catch you when you land but it wounds and hurts deep every damn time. You wanted me to abandon the darker edges of my personality, the places that bring me comfort in my darkest moments... Maybe you should stop forcing the darkness to come to the forefront. Neither of us have a lot of fucking daylight in our lives... There's a lot of black places in our back stories... I never wanted that for you, I never wanted that for him... I only expected it for me. But you made choices to keep yourself in the dark. You made choices to cause yourself pain. I think I liked it better when you hated me. The battle lines were drawn. I knew where I stood with you... Now I'm just waiting on a stupid phone call that could come at any moment or could take years... I will always be here and ready to take another bullet and feel a shitload more pain because I do love you, but I am becoming numbed

Never waste your words on those people in your life who only deserve your silence. Because sometimes, the greatest show of strength is to say nothing at all.  I haven't forgotten how much damage you have done to my life... And even recently destroying my last relationship. I think it might just all be a fucking game to you. I'm sick of playing. I was happy with my life I was at peace.. the sad fact now is I know I will always be in love with you and I will always be manipulated by you. I wanted to write the letter and finish this year at peace with you. So you knew where I stood. I'm questioning doing that now. You don't deserve it. I might still do it but I'm not 💯 it's a good idea to bear my bleeding heart to you so you can laugh at me and crush it agian. I wonder what the spring and fall and summer and all that noise was. If it was just a nostalgia trip I'm fucking done with it. I've got my life to live. I've got a life to rebuild. It w

I wish I still had the energy to hate you, it would at least make the fucking pain go away... But once agian all I feel is fucking broken. That's my life. I will always mourn the love you keep pushing away. I loved you with all my heart and you destroyed me and made me an empty shell. It's too bad I don't have time for anger and hate now. I've made my peace without having you in or out my life. I just wish this wound didn't hurt so bad even after all this time. I could have done without the last year emotionally but it was important for my to face the reality that you have never been far from my fucking heart, no matter what we outwardly have shown to each other.  Our souls are connected, and broken.  Maybe one day, but not today. I don't know why I keep staying up every weekend staring at the phone expecting to hear you're voice... I was over you, I had walked away, I made my fucking peace with all this. Why the hell does it still hurt so f

I tried all year kid. I should be there tonight to wish you a happy birthday. I tried. I'm always gonna be here for you and you're mom. I love you both and I almost thought we'd get back to being the family that we have always been... I got you a really nice gift, something befitting the man you are becoming. It'll be here for you one day. Just like the rest of you're gifts. They will always be here for you. I just miss you and I am missing everything in you're life. I hope this is the last birthday I miss. But that's not up to me. I hope you are happy with whatever you are doing today on you're birthday. I just wish I was there. I miss you every day. I wish I was there to watch you grow up. One day I will. I'm trying to fix things. You're gifts will always be here. You're Dad will always be here. Whatever either of you need. Have no doubt on that. I don't. You are the greatest thing I have ever done with my life. Neve

I think the thing that bothers me most is the fact I provided for someone else's family when my own needed me most and I was cast aside when the money ran out. If I had been upfront and honest about things five or six years ago I almost wonder what the end result would have been. I have always regretted not buying you you're ring in that moment, or trying to make peace and amends. Anger and bitterness are horrible things and always come back on you a thousandfold.... But I wasn't ready I guess. I guess I needed to have the experiences I did before my world would make sense. I just know I don't want anyone else's family but mine and I don't want to be anyone else's father but his. I tried that. It didn't take. I was used and thrown away like garbage after sacrificing everything I was at the fucking time. I have no interest in going back to that with anyone. I hate the fact that I am a proud man when I could call or text this last Saturday night and

I am taking a chance because nothing is more important and there is nothing to fucking lose. I'd rather stand on my own two feet and say i tried than sit around around waiting for things to change on her timeline. I may love them both but I have been in the shadows of his life for far too long. I will always try and be there for Both of them, even when i'm not wanted. this is a choice of not walking away in a moment i can be anyone and go anywhere. I'm staying right where I am and fighting for the things that are mine. i hope you understand that, I'll always be here. I'm Not going anywhere. Shallow men believe in luck or in circumstance. Strong men believe in cause and effect.

This is still a game of many tactical moves,but for once I'm not playing to defeat you. I just want you on my side against the world agian. The way it's supposed to be, the way it should have been. For once I have Hope, it's all I need to sustain me right now with my next big chess move. I have no expectations but you have surprised me in the past. So I'm going to go forward with the things I plan to do and see where we end up. You are important to me, you always will be. If this is where we end the game no matter what the outcome is, I'm good with it. I think in the next little while we will surprise each other, even if I am forcing my hand and putting all the cards on the table rather than bottling them up and ignoring how I have always felt for you. From the most intense passion comes the best and worst of us, I completely understand that now. If we didn't love each other as whirlwind as we did we would not have fought as hard as we did, but

The worst part of the last twenty years is that I held myself to an unrealistic ideal, I thought that if I didn't fall back on my disability (the ones I usually refuse to acknowledge.) And actually worked hard and got a decent job and a nice place you might love me agian one day. I should have taken the easy way out. Maybe then with an income you'd have been satisfied. I can't even bring myself to tell you that there has been a change in circumstances because I don't think the time is right. It's pride and it's stubbornness and I feel like I have failed myself and those I love by taking the easiest solution. While this may allow things long needed to surface, like the return to my education, I do feel like I'm selling my soul. At least I have choices and options now and I don't feel like a prisoner in my own life anymore.... ...just one in my own heart. I do think if I had excerised this option a long time ago that maybe our little family would b

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold. I hate that I'm stubborn and that I have my pride. I miss you every fucking moment of my existence but as usual when you wound me it cuts deep and I won't just admit my feelings and sadness to you, I'll choose the hard way and only make contact in drunken moments or ones that matter. I want to randomly tell you I fucking miss you and see if matters but it's hard for me to do that when even after all these years you cast me aside. I kinda understand it, that's why I'm doing the things I'm doing right now, my silent action plan. But it still hurts. Maybe one day we will find our way, maybe one day soon after I do something either epic or completely stupid, but that's me and the stubbornness and the pride, if it's gotta

I have a plan, it's gonna take a minute but I think it's important to do. It's time for the long road to end. I don't think our story will ever end. God knows I've tried to move past but it's never took. I can't put you in the rear view mirror. It's even worse in this pandemic because I worry about both of you every single day. You are my heart, you always will be. Things have changed. I just wish you had the patience to wait rather than demanding everything  right away. Maybe this time I'll be able to do things ahead of time so you no longer doubt yourself. You hurt me this one last time... Even after you destroyed my life multiple times I let you in agian and agian. And still you hurt me. The worst part about this time is that you lied to me agian when I was going to make a huge change in all of our lives... I'm still going to do it, and on the same schedule.... But that's because I want to. Because I've always wanted to. It

....and its with myself. I know that I am better when I set a goal. Even if it's a fucking pipe dream... It's the only dream I've had for the last two decades. I will fight for you, one last time. I have something to prove, it's the only thing left to prove actually. I need to do this to be whole. To not have that big what if question in my head about what could have been, what was sucked. I need to do this because I do love you and he needs to know that, you need to know that. I will always feel the exact same way. I wish things were simpler then and I could have been the man u really wanted. I'm that man now, I'll prove it to you. I burnt a lot of bridges to my old life because I figured that you were more important... And some of those bridges I poured gasoline on were 100% correct... I'm not over you, I will never be over you. Anyone else I'm with is a fucking placeholder for who I truly want to be with. You. I don't think I can ever move

You hurt me. All you do is hurt and intimidate me and yet somehow I still love you from the bottom of my heart even to my own ruin. I don't want to play mind games anymore and I wish that I could move past you, but I know that I can't. Not anymore. These feelings came back and I can't shake them, probably because they were never buried all that deep in the first fucking place. You and I both do things to fuck with each other's heads and I can't figure out why but I know that I will never be truly happy with anyone else. And every time you and I get close to what is real you fucking sabotage it. One day I will quit trying, one day my heart will truly break and ill be over you. I don't ever want that happen. But I think one day ill give up. I have things going on in my life, there are positive changes for the long term that might help us to be a family agian, the way its supposed to be. I'm afraid to fucking tell you that because I'm afraid that i

I need to quit living my life like its going to change on its own. I need to change it for myself. Things have changed anyways. Maybe its time for a new start with an old friend maybe its time to find my path alone... Either way I can't keep living like status quo. It feels like my life has been on pause the last decade and only recently I am coming back to myself. Some of that is on you but a lot of that is on me. I refused to feel anything for so long I became a shell of the man I once was. I was over you. I want to go back to hating you but I can't. I know at the deepest darkest parts of my fucking soul that I love you and I can no longer deny it anymore. There is no room for hating you on my soul anymore. You hurt me agian, you're good at that that but I can't tell anymore if its malicious or just the fact that You're too damaged to know any better esp. When we get close to What's supposed to be and what's pure for both of us. I know you're

I don't tell anyone how much I'm really hurting. That's private. But it's often too much to bear and that empty feeling hasn't changed in 16 years. I just want you to know that someday. Maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't. But it's all I got left to give. I thought we were done for good. I thought these feelings I have for you were dead and gone in the past. I was wrong. The sting of this latest betrayal is even worse because it just reaffirms the fact of me being so hopelessly in love in love with you that it will lead me to ruin. Again. You want me to fight for you, I may have something in the works. I just wish this was easier and you had a little faith and a little patience. I don't talk to you or fight for what is mine not because I don't love you, it's because I'm conditioned not to. All these years... That's gotta change. I wanted things to be perfect. That's never going to happen. I am waiting to make my move a

You don't turn your back on family, even when they do. That's the way it has to be with you... For a long time we have both chose nothing...I think that needs to change. Every thing I do is planned and calculated. Often long in advance, you are the only xfactor that affects that at this point in my fucking life. You enter it and turn my life and emotions upside down.  The thing that bothers me the most is that I have always tried to do the right thing by you even to the detriment of myself, my life and my freedom. But none of that matters to you long term, it just makes me sad. I have nothing left to prove to you. You know exactly where I stand. Something's have changed recently for us and one day I will tell you what that is. It's important and might make us eventually make sense. But I'm not going to wait around to be you're back up. I have my own life to live. I'm happy with it for the moment. The only thing missing is you and him, I hope you know that.

He felt the knife of her old betrayal slide into his heart, a smooth, unexpected caress of pain. I am a better person than you. When I say I love someone I stand by it and them no matter how much it causes me pain... And I am hurting so very fucking much right. That's on you... I'll eventually get over it... But the knife cut deep this time... I think that might have been you're intention. I shouldn't be hurting and missing you again right now... I should be fucking hating you again... But that part of me is gone. I have made peace with the fact I will always love you no matter how deep you slide the knife into my ribs. That's also my curse. I'll always love you and always be here even if it hurts. I float around in a daze. Nothing matters much to me. I am unfocused. This is you're doing. Twenty plus years on and you affect me like this in my every moment. Either I feel everything when we are talking or I feel nothing. Right now I am feeling numb. I

I'm not really sure why. But... do you stop loving someone just because they betray you? I don't think so. That's what makes the betrayal hurt so much - pain, frustration, anger... and I still loved her. I still do. Do you know how frustrating it is to have you ghost me everytime you get into a new relationship? It's not like I contributed anything to our lives, and it's not like I mean anything to you. You just need control and I upset the delicate balance in you're life. I am chaos, but I am controlled chaos, I can afford to do what I want because at the end of the day I get the things that need to be done dealt with and I keep my word and my promises. You can't handle that, you'd rather choose you're life that is no better than mine where you are treated like nothing and disrespected as my son's mother by the very people you work with because it's easier. You seek to control me by words and actions, but that's never bee

It was a mistake," you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you. We aren't there yet completely. I feel that on both sides. I have nothing to lose by being completely open to you, but we are both reserved... There are some big conversations to be had and I think Everytime we scratch the surface of truly being together, everything fucking shatters. I had made peace with this. I was ok being alone and without you. Now I don't know how i should feel. The worst is that I miss you on a level that I havent in 16 years.... That's how I know it's real, that's how I know it's meaningful. But I'm used to my feelings betraying me, esp. When it comes to you, so i am scared of it. I am afraid of losing you completely agian. I can be honest about that. It does scare me. I'm good with losing you tho. At least I can be fucking healthy in my own head. The fact you think I'd ever completely love or trust you aft

I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up, and gasps: "Oh look at that!" Then whoosh, and I'm gone. And they'll never see anything like it ever again. And they won't be able to forget me — ever. It has been fifteen years since I let you affect me like this and somehow now I know I will always let it fucking happen. I guess that's my curse. I know I will wait for you're hand in mine until the day one of us is gone. One day maybe I'll make a big stupid move, maybe that day is a lot sooner than you might think, but for the moment I am reserved and scared. I let you get close once again after a year of off and on talking and you betrayed that trust again... I'll still always find it in my heart to forgive you because I want the best possible scenario for us both.  But... It still stings.... And I wish I could consider it delibrate but I know it's not, it's just part of the way I know you hurt and are d

As for this bullshit of two different lives, that's on you. I did what I had to do to survive. You never gave me that fucking choice. First as a father and later as a man. I didn't have options like you do. I don't like how you make me feel every fucking time you walk away and you're fucking justifications are only those in you're own head. I'm always going to be here and I'm always going to stand tall, with or without you. No matter how fucking broken I am. I will stand. If it's my last shred of decency or effort I will fucking stand. I'm just glad I'm not standing against you anymore. That time has passed. But I will never fall down and feel sorry for myself either. You chose this. You chose all of this. You're the one that constantly throws me away. I know I'm worthless to you unless you need me. One day I won't be here to save you. Don't worry I'm just working you out of my system and then we can go back to status

The other other thing that bothers me is you settle too easy in any fight. I will never give up or surrender. That's the difference I will always fucking fight especially for him. I don't know how to do anything else but to be a warrior. The day I decided the best action was peace nearly tore me apart. But I'd rather be fighting for you, than with you. I'll always fight for you, even when I don't want to. You are a small town girl with a small town mentality and that's the difference between us... I am from the big city and I travel the world just by my adventures because I will never settle. I just wish I was doing it with you. All those years wasted. It's better to burn out than to fade away but my burn out days are long over. I just want what comes next. I was hoping it would be with you somehow. All I know how to do is fight and defend. It's all I've ever been good at. I tried to find peace with you and walk away for good and you

I was an idiot to think a piece of glass could fix us. Just because I'll always be here doesn't fucking mean I like you're manipulation and mind games. My love is unconditional, you are my family, I have no choice in the matter. But I can and will choose to step away when you are hurting me. I want to fight with you until you understand but I realize all that does is damage us both so I'm a better man by doing what I've always done and walking away and pretending you don't exist till the next moment you think you need me. I had something to prove. All the damn ring and the money saved for the ring represented was the fact I could support you if needed. But that was a fucking pipe dream because as always you fucking betrayed me, it's probably an imaginary friend or a mistake but I'm sick of you not being truthful and I'm sick of constantly having you like the thorn in my side. I'll still do anything for you, but everytime it gets a little ha

I will never tell you the absence of you in my life causes. It doesn't matter if it's a moment or if it's years. When you aren't talking to me or here all I feel is an emptiness inside that often my own distractions don't even attempt  to subside. It's frustrating. I spent years pretending these feelings were dead and buried and ignoring them because I thought it was the right thing to do and now they are all back on the forefront and all I think or know is that you're busy and I am frustrated that you're not constantly mine. I want this to work and I know I need to take a step back... But we have always been whirlwind and it feels that way right now... I don't know how to slow down with my feelings. That's the difference between us, you can turn it off, you can slow it down. For me it's only on or off. I only have the one switch. I like where we are right now. I like the goals I have in mind. But it's all i got. Either I love you

We got lost along the way... But I looked into the abyss and it fucking looked into me right back. That abyss was you... And I am never fucking coming back. That ship died a fucking Viking funeral a very long time ago. I don't know how much time I have left but I will be damned if you're manipulation pushes me to the brink where I just want to end it all. I'm not that fucking coward and he deserves better. But you deserve nothing from Me. Not anymore. I used to think I had something to prove, that if I made you proud of me I'd be worthy of you're love. I was deadly fucking wrong. The truth is you never deserved me.... I'm better than you and you destroyed me for it. I'm a fucking fool for still being in love with you but at least the knife was expected this time... And this time you cut so fucking deep that you took it all away agian. Enjoy my heart it's the last thing of mine that belongs to you.... But it's dead now. This nostalgia tr