Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Another year ends, Another year of absolute fucking No forward movement, somehow i am both less angry and more angry and the way my life is.. More people have fucked me over this year than usual and yet this has been a better year than the last two, while i can see positive things moving forward, i am still under a cloud of fucking darkness and i Feel that i still need to be ready and armed for war constantly..I don't see anything except pain around me but I have things that have affected my vision differently thru all the fucking strife, one is the fact that I am not the only person i care about having to deal with a similar struggle, which is fucking bullshit. the other is the fact any time i go down in pain or by the betrayal of another, I emerge Brighter, Hotter and Angrier like the Phoenix and I usually burn away any parts of my past that no longer suit me or are needed, I've made some mistakes over the past year including trusting someone i shouldn't because she was o

Regardless of who or what I am or am not, It is disheartening to know that I am not the only one hurting this time of year and I wish i could so much more to be fucking supportive, Our lives and decisions are our own, but i wish the fates and the circumstances were different so that things would work out better and the innocents affected by all of this wouldn't have such a difficult time, while I may have moved past the long night of anger and depression most of the time it still simmers and i can see traces of that in another person's eyes because the wound for her is so much fresher, I've learned to live with it, like a scar that will never fucking go away.... but she shouldn't have to and it's frustrating to see it.... this isn't the way the world is supposed to work, one day i will meet my maker, I will be brining ammunition and I will be asking questions... and he will be brought to task for the answers... history should not even remotely repeat itself, and

Sometimes it not about anything but the people around you on the holidays, this is the first time in years i am actually enjoying myself over the holidays and it is because there is a missing piece of the puzzle here, but there are more pieces of the puzzle that are missing that should be here...I am less sad than i have any right to be but there is a lot of things that still need to be fixed but the healing has started and next year, it should be interesting, i am hoping it doesn't take that time for for the little meeting of the minds... because that needs to happen as soon as possible because that's the one thing that's awesome. there will be some serious surprises, soon. there is still a lot left to be resolved and some of the uncertain pain is still evident but it is one day at a time and today went a long way towards feeling some of the healing. I know that there are two awesome people in the world as long as even if i can be in there life even on the fringe edges th

Another year, Another missing part of soul, But it's over with for another year..I'm happy but there is a huge part of my life that is missing right now, and i am Sad. i have SuperHero's and transformers and nice things at home hiding in a closet that should have been under a tree, and it's frustrating that i don't have that opportunity, I keep trying to decide whether or not i should just leave something at the door like i have in years past but i can't fight the darkness and apathy provided so i will just continue to have the things hidden away and be terribly sad, This isn't the way things should be but it is the way things are, so even tho i am frustrated and hurting i am enjoying myself this christmas, and I hoping to next year have him playing with his cousin's and eating plant's again... god i miss him terribly this time of year and it hurt's like hell. At least i am surrounded by family and people i care about and that's exactly where

Yup, it's that time of year again, the pain is dulled this year as i have managed to keep both mind and soul distracted, but i am still very tempted to go into niagara and drop off a gift or three under the door if for nothing else so he has them, but i can see the end of the battle coming, this will be the last time i spend the holiday's without him, i Have people around me to feel my blessings and I will spend time with them even tho he is never very far from my heart currently... there is darkness this holiday around us and not just me, but it's also a year for celebration as thing's have improved... I am finally feeling comfortable in my new place and i will be very happy when i can get him their to check out his new room, some decisions of the past year are becoming easily forgot... I am looking forward to the holiday tomorrow for the first time in a few years even if i still miss my little boy..Santa claus will come, there will be gift's for you under the tree

As time passes, things change everyday But wounds, wounds heal But scars still remain the same But tomorrow today's gone down in flames Throw the match, set the past up ablaze Another day, Another battle... But this time I was getting the Upper hand by merely doing things I'm supposed and having the facts prepared and letting them destroy themselves with their own words. merry Christmas Nicholas, for the first time since this ordeal began I do believe that Vindication is in sight.. when i get a lawyer backtracking on her own bullshit words because they know i have them boxed into a corner, the more i can do to prove the man I am the better i am and then fucking know it... this will be the last Christmas without Him, and that's not just a promise that's an absolute eventuality... it's time to deal with all of this and end this.. I will be setting a date the next time and making sure that this is the end, I am enjoying the holiday season so far even tho there is

But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them Another year, another meaningless holiday, i am going thru the motions But i just want this year to be over so i can move forward... regardless of being around anyone, it's still a hollow holiday without the one little person that truly matters.. but he's not such a little person anymore, and it fucking sucks and bites hard that i am planning another year where he is not by my side, hopefully this is the last one... I am to the fucking point where It should be and as long as i can move forward and get him home will, I'm not about to give up or give in.. ever. I love you little man, santa will come agian this year lots of suprises when you get home, I promise. A whole Closet full. Current Mood: Sad. Ne

Today no matter what else is a happy day, Ten years old. No matter anything else in this world has happened or that will happen, ten years ago I became a dad, and that is my greatest achievement...anything else I do in this world you are the the greatest achievement i have ever done or will ever do, I know it' still confusing and another year of broken promises, but i am fighting every battle i can to change things and get them back to where they should be, you have a nice new big room and two of your favorite things are nearby... there are things put aside for you here and they will wait for you... I just miss you so goddamn much... Happy tenth birthday son, I love you. Current Mood: Sad. When we're together or when we're apart, you're first in my thoughts and first in my heart.

I'm not having a great time in my life right now, I can't feel much except darkness because everything in my life turned to shit and my little boy's things have been stolen, it's not the fact that i can replace them, it's the fact that i have been dealing with this insanity for over three years and i feel so fucking powerless.. there's not much i can do except hold the thorns in my hands that i have been dealt and turn them into a fist... that's exactly who I am, the survivor, the warrior, The war, the battle,the anger, the rage, the Fist, the Armageddon, Never the Victim, Never pretending to be one... i Know exactly who I am, You can't fucking destroy a wall that will stand after the fire... and I've been burning since the day i was born...but it's not about me... it's about making a better world for those that come after me, the important ones... there's only one reason I fight even when I'm falling apart... that's the only thin

Demons run when a good man goes to war Night will fall and drown the sun When a good man goes to war Friendship dies and true love lies Night will fall and the dark will rise When a good man goes to war Demons run, but count the cost The battle's won, but the child is lost Everything In my life is replaceable save one person, It just hurts and bites that around the time of the holidays not only do i not have my little man standing beside me but some of his belongings that have been saved and put away from him that i have worked hard to get for him are missing and possibly stolen by some selfish and ignorant individuals, I am turning mean and I am turning dark, I am considering everything but right now i need to concentrate on the future and not what's behind me.. it's time to focus on the approaching battle and deal with that matter at hand, It's better than trying to deal with things i have no control over, If i'm going to be angry let's be angry at

I am still fucking Angry, There are things Missing that should not be and a lack of a warranted response make's me think that this was planned and It is very confusing to see that someone I helped would do this to me, and take things i was saving for myself and my little boy, But then agian that's what selfish and vindictive people are like... I can be one too.. then agian i can seek retribution in several diffrent ways, my last month has been hell because of someone else's actions and decisions...if someone else want's to be mean and vindictive and a fucking theif i can sit there and stew and be very fucking angry, and go after you just has hard.. and i'm the forgotten man, right now I have nothing to lose... But you, you have so very fucking much to lose.. and the fact is i can contact your worse enemy and be a witness for him or for the people i cannot stand for one bit in this world and do so much damage to your personal life... but that would be the chess playi

I am fucking pissed off, I have moved agian and getting settled in and it's fucking annoying that a lot of my belongings, mostly of the electronic kind are missing.. i wonder how much of this was a direct plan to deal things that belonged to me and my child...I don't know the next step other than to be extremely fucking angry... I did nothing wrong and I have been ripped off for a number of fucking belongings...some of which cannot fucking be replaced... I tried to be nice and play nice and I have been stolen from? it was one thing when it was just my last months rent, but when I am going thru my belonging's and a number of things are missing it's a fucking piss off... and I will get if someone has fucking stolen from me. I have things that I can use and i will not sit here being a fucking victim If you are planning to fucking steal from me.. theft by omission is still fucking theft, and it is specific item's not just things that are meaningless.... I am losing my

It's almost over, another bad decision I never should have fucking made ends tomorrow, and I will likely never have to bother looking back at the year of misery ever again, if i can be removed from the fabric of someone's life this easily, they can be just as easily removed from the picture of memory, Not that I give a damn, it's not like it was a fucking relationship... It was just a bad situation where things got out of hand and a greedy and vindictive soul got in the way.. if nothing else it is a lesson I should have never needed to learn, I am a cold and frozen soul, Only those that I should be keeping close should mean anything to me, and that sometimes some of these people that I have had to deal with in the last year have only had their own interests at heart which is fine.. Now I do.. If i wanted to, I could do damage... The only burden on my soul to doing so is that their would be some massive collateral damage, on a few innocent souls that I hold no Malice toward.

I have been distracted for far too long waiting for my life to change while having someone people in my life that never should have been part of my life as anything more than the fringe edges or skeleton's of a dark and shattered past, it\s time to focus on me and the people that actually have my motherfucking back. it's time to be cold and time to be the person that Stands apart... as I always have. there's is nothing in this world i want except for one goal, a vital part of my soul has been torn away from me, and as much as i try and ignore it... it is something that Informs my every waking moment... any other battle is meaningless... there is only one that matters, it's about me and him, and having a safe place for him to come home to and being able to fucking provide for that... not dealing with emotional vampire sycophants that have of recent days infested my life.. all i need is a room with a view, i have survived on less.. i am always going to be the man I am, I

It is time Of another New start after another year of hell, But As always i deal with the fire and flames and become a stronger man because of it.. I know exactly who i am and where I am going in this life, the last little while i was distracted by someone else's selfishness and my need to have stability... too bad the truth is when dealing with unstable people who I myself are one of.. having anyone else around like that In any capacity ends up being like pouring fire on gasoline...I understand my world far too well, as soon as the issues started to become problematic i should have seen clearer and Gotten the fuck out instead of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.. I have had to make sacrifices this past year and I have been taken advantage of, But no more... it's time for the next step, it's time to be full speed ahead... I don't use phoenix imagery in my writing because it's a cliche, I use it because i can't tell you how many times in my life my re

I am still angry and disillusioned I am just handling it better today due to the fact that i may a minor comfort from my belongings that i can use to express my frustrations, the world isn't a fair place and in twenty fucking years I have not had to deal with an injustice such as this even when I am trying to go thru the correct channel to deal with, the sad fact is that i have no rights in the situation which fucking sucks.. and some of the people at an administrative level are passing the buck in terms of responsibility, there's a reason i dislike fucking authority... If you had my life and dealt with everything that I have dealt with in my fucking life you would distrust and dislike authority... there's a reason I'm an Asshole and I stand apart, these are continuous themes in my life because there is no fucking point in Bothering to deal with anyone else on any level... I know Who I am, For the most part I know where i Stand in this world, I have done a good job of b

I know right now I am under some extreme dark clouds and that while i may be responsible for some of the bullshit i am currently enduring this feels like Disproportionate punishment, I didn't do anything except try and protect myself and because of one of the few fucking ethics i still hold myself to, I am suffering.. How fair is that? for the last 6 months or so i have be controlled by someone to the extent that It might has well have been a relationship.. Used as a fucking babysitter, used as a fucking replacement father, used for whatever I could be.. I finally start moving away from that and this fucking bitch turns crazy ape shit and try to destroy my life? this is a learning experience and not one that will be forgotten very soon.. I'm sick of this fucking bullshit in my life... I'm sick of my life...everything and anything that is a positive in my life turns to shit... i should be sitting down enjoying the grey cup with my child but instead I am sitting here wonderin

I am losing my Mind, and starting to make plans to say it all and stop pretending like I fucking care about anything in this world... I don't care and the longer i sit there and get fucking abused by the fucking world it makes me wonder if I still have a place in it... There is no Point to having any sort of material ownership because people are fucking jealous and will use any opportunity to steal everything for you, I worked my ass off the last few years to get and DO stuff that mother fucking needed to be done.. And for what... to be used and discarded at the earliest fucking opportunity...I'm sick of the fucking storm and worse than that I'm sick of watching my life and watching shattered pieces of it lie at my feet bleeding.... I can see that it would be so much easier to fucking walk away than to deal with any of that shit.. I can't feel anything but fucking Numb right now... Fucking bitch A damages my life and takers everything away.. and then this other bitch de

I am one step away from walking away from everything and saying fuck it.. the battles are not worth it anymore.. my things are being withheld damaged and destroyed and no one cares... I worked fucking hard for things to turn to shit and you know what, it's just as fucking easy for me to walk the fuck away from everyone and everything and start over.. I have stopped fucking caring.. I'm Sick Of being the bad guy, I'm sick of being the Criminal, I'm sick of trying to play by the rules to have some selfish Cunt whoever it might be at the time dictating what I'm supposed to be doing with my stuff and i'm just sick of my life.. all my life i worked hard and tried to be something better and now I'm just looking at the fact that I've done nothing majorly wrong and I'm getting walked all over and having my stuff possibly destroyed or stolen and No one seems to give a damn.. I've stopped giving a damn in return... it's probably time to walk away and s

The patience level is fucking gone...if any of my fucking shit is stolen or missing there will be some serious criminal charges laid...apparently some bitch has taken it upon herself to pack my things and place them in a less secure area of the house... this is a fucking nightmare and has been for some time... there is no fucking point anymore in giving a damn about anything, I am trapped in fucking limbo and I don't know what the hell I am doing other than the fact that someone has seriously damaged me for no good reason other than jealousy and greed, and it's fucking sad. i don't take grievous wounds lightly and I will seriously fuck up anyone who decides to affect me or my children's stuff with malicious intent... this is fucking bullshit... all i ever did was help this woman and her family... and now she is directly trying to affect me by doing damage... i am not patient nor am I happy right now.. if anything has been damaged or stolen I plan to raise hell... I'

I am Sick of sitting around Just waiting for my life to change, I sit patiently waiting for things to change and then i have had people take advantage of my situation to exploit me... i've done nothing fucking wrong and i feel so much more like a prisoner in my own life...i should let the darkness consume me and the anger and the rage overtake.... If I was a lesser man it would have happened already but you know what i've always tried to be the person that I am and always will be, but i can look back on the past and realize so many things about myself and my emotions and realize their's really no reason for me to have fucking kept them in check.... every-time i do it's another betrayal another stab in the fucking back.... at least the reality is i am at a fucking point in my life where i am about to close down and only have the important people in my life surrounding me, everyone else can fuck off...care and respect for those that have not earned it are futile emotions.

My life is always going to be half filled with darkness, I understand that, but sometimes it seems like the only think currently in my life is the fuckin darkness and I'm not just staring into the Void and having it whisper back, but I am embracing it wholeheartedly and letting it embrace me.. sometimes i think the person i was 20 years ago was far more equipped for this life than me.. when i lost my edge and mellowed i became someone who i never should have been.. i could sit for days inside of my rage against the world doing nothing... now all i do for day is sit and do nothing... I need to figure out how to move forward.. it's time to get less than comfortable, it's time to be hungry and cold and against the world again, I do not fucking trust anyone again.. that's the way things need to be at this point.... this last few weeks have been a reminder of the futility of letting anyone inside the sanctum i call what's left of my fragile heart and soul... Only a privi

This is quickly becoming a tiresome game, i'm not going to have someone destroy my life for a number of weeks and then get away with ripping me off and taking everything away from me because of selfish bullshit and jealousy,it's not enough anymore to be a good person and do things for people, I'm done being that guy.... i'm going to hide away and just be about me for me and no one else, everything at this moment is costing me everything that I am... this isn't fucking fair i did nothing fucking wrong. But when someone wants to destroy you it's very easy to have that happen on both occasions, Maybe i should be angry and a criminal, it's better than trying hard and attempting to get things done in a positive manner and being polite.. someone who wants confrontation will always force a way to have it even when they are wrong. Current Mood: Angry, Depressed. People don't ever seem to relate that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.

Certain people are in the process of being exorcised from my life but i defintly not playing this fucking game anymore.. 20 fucking years i have been on my own and i have never had the issues i have had in the last year.. trapped in a bad situation because of the system and then when i start making plans to leave said situation it falls on deaf ears until someone escalates it to a dangerous amount.. but i did see it coming... certain people set off alarm bells and i allow them to be in my life, yet when I'm in crisis? where the fuck are they? yeah, some of these real good freinds of mine that are so fucking solid when they need something are around right Now? No you motherfucker's ain't.. so next time you need me? i will be what I am right now to you. a Ghost... I'm Bones the Grim Reaper.... it's time to cut all the cancers in my life.. what the fuck am I doing staying in Hamilton, there is only one thing keeping me here.. I could be in Windsor with my true friends

I am Fucking done with being bullied by the fucking cunt who I have done nothing to fucking help with her life, I regret moving in, and I am feeling the stab in the fucking back.... I am expecting to have things stolen from me... and Being bullied by both her and the fucking police officer on three occasions, especially after this fucking cunt has the balls to assualt me? The only thing that kept me from responding in fucking kind is the fact i don't hit women and i am the better fucking man for it... but i am vengeful man and I will deal with you as much as i fucking can... there are ways to make your life the same hell you are making mine.. and I am vengeful, you have made my life a fucking misery this last week and I have enough to fucking deal with, this is fucking bullshit... i'm surprised i'm not cutting my fucking wrists right now... that's how i feel.. and the fact that family is trying to help but is also putting me in a situation where my back is up agianst th

Sometimes Positive things can come from bad situations, at this point i am walking away from a bad situation scott free without any major issues to my personal life and going into a situation where I have a 2 bedroom apartment and No further issues with boundries and interpersonal bullshit.. My life is once agian my own and i can do whatever the fuck i want with it.. and find myself some real life goals and deal with the real issues over head rather than being associated with some old crone who wants me at her beck and call.. i have also stood apart from people as an independent person, save one little person I don't need anyone In my life.. and for these other people who have stood in my way when i've tried to accomplish something, welll it's real easy to seperate the wheat from the chaff... I know who stands beside me in my darkest of hours and who has sat there and stood aside I will decide when things are said and done who will still be at my side.. and I do know who is

It's time to Start over again and cut poison's out of my life that should never have been there in the first place, it's very telling that certain parts of my life are stuck in an endless loop and the same people or personality types keep creeping their way in... i seriously think that this next step will end up being a step forward and a step back, but it is time to take reflection and listen to the people that matter and let their voices be important rather than the voices in my own head and the voices of other's that only have their own interests at heart... It's time to just be for me, and about me.. I have one goal left in this fucking life and that should be the only thing I'm focused on, I should be far removed from other persons interpersonal bullshit and their sad and pathetic life... I have my own sad and pathetic life to focus on.. this isn't my darkest hour but it is damn close, i have had to suffer an indignity that i have never had to face befo

I'm not surprised at The silent treatment now, it's too bad when i was trying to use it to avoid escalation my wishes were not respected... and the arrogance of the attitude that i can just be removed from someone's life is appalling, but here's something.. you and your pathetic fucking family never mattered to me... I have my own to take care of, and right now in a darker they, not you, and not her are the one's supporting me.. I've had enough of you, I will let your actions and my words be my weapons and that's all i need... you have wounded me finically but it's not a deep wound and i can recover from it after all your games... but at this point even this week i have bigger things to attend to than your bullshit.. it's just another obstacle in my way.. Current Mood: Angry, Determined. A wise king never seeks out war, but he must always be ready for it.

...Go figure you bring a knife to a gun fight shots are going to be fired by both partys, so anyways, I'm just about done with hamilton and all this fucking bullshit...ON my mother's fucking birthday I end up out in the fucking cold because some dumb bitch thinks she can play with the laws and the rules? I hate being boxed in by my income and there is someone else that I fucking blame for that... but i did nothing wrong here.. I paid rent on time, I helped out and I tried to keep my shit together to not be a nuisance, you would think someone would appriacate the fact that I have an income and can help out once in a while.. but no jealousy and excesive demands on my space and my time... asking me for money when i'm delibratley given you the silent treatment after you've assualted me? there is only one woman in this or any lifetime i was or am willing to absorb that kind of punishment from, and newsflash lady, She Ain't you, I got my own battles to fight there, but th

.... and now the list of fucking demands.... Wrong.. I ain't about to be paying for a small little room when the paperwork clearly states that it's a bedroom basement apartment... you wanna play fucking games... I can play fucking games too... it's doesn't have to be physical for me to light a match... all I have to do is make a few phone calls and make a few other people aware, don't think i've already started the process to protect myself, what the fuck you don't think i have Options? Wrong... I don't need motherfuckers in my life making my life worse, and the fact that I owed man hours and i am being treated like shit when I am only trying to fucking help? you are fucking lucky i am not the fucking man i was in 1994... you would not have fucking liked me back then, Hell I don't like the man i was back then, but you know I respect him... he didn't fear the world and he didn't like people like you and responded in kind... in fact that's

If 20 years ago some bitched had slugged me in the face I would have responded in kind and the house would be fucking burning down... I am not taking a physical assault from anyone, the last time a woman had the fucking thought to lay her fucking hands on me was in 2004, and all the hate and anger there is still there, but i have my ethics morals and standards and i will sit and brood and give as good as i fucking get...i don't have anymore fucking patience.. you have seen the last fucking dollar from me.. Fuck stability... I'm not going to be fed shit and treated like a fucking child when I'm a fucking tenant... when i doubt the fact it's a safe place for your fucking children there is no fucking way I'm going to have my child around you and your bi polar ass... I have my own battles to fight and you have been a distraction for far too fucking long... If you want war you've got one.. just remember I'm already in my own personal Vietnam and I'm holding

Pretty fucking obvious by the title that I'm still fucking pissed off, I'm sick of feeling like a prisoner in my own life, Can't people get the fucking hint when i want to be left alone? i don't like to be dictated to about my possessions and what i own and what I choose to fucking own..Once again the last time i gave a damn enough to give up everything was a very long time ago... and both fucking times i was walking away from everything, I have worked hard and earned everything that belongs to me.. there is a reason i might as well go fucking digital and getting new tattoos and a new leather jacket or two.. sick of my money being drained by outside interests and me not seeing the values of. I have people that are important to me and sometimes i don't need to be brought down by other's that may not have my interests at heart.. it's time to start considering the next step, I've never had a problem fighting wars, I've never had a problem walking away,

There are places i am willing to go that most people won't follow... It's hard to be a package of rage and to deal with it quietley and silently with all kinds of pain, one of the few things that actually brings me happiness is shit all over by someone who reaps the benefits of, It's time for me to be exploring options once agian, I can't continue to feel like a fucking prisoner in my own life.. it's not my fucking problem if their are financial issues, In fact maybe like every fucking other thing that has affected me over the last year if you'd have been upfront about them instead of going to for the quick buck I might have had my reservations, and now I feel fucking trapped... even worse than i did this time last year, and last year I was facing the Choice of being homeless with all my shit stored... and you were a last minute hail mary, sometimes i almost wonder if it's worth it swallowing my pride and going to see the person I hate more in the entire wo

I bought a New Motorcycle jacket today and it does signify a lot of things... One it is other than my sneakers only the second thing clothes wise i have bought from myself from my new enterprise, and 2. it is about ten years since i bought my beat up and broken Danier jacket that I bought because Someone i was deeply soul mated to at the time had one.. Unfortunate it was the same day i was considering buying her ring and we all know how that turned out... So it's a kinda lousy memory... it was a good jacket for many years but like a lot of things in my life it needs to be part of my past and I can have something else, it's time to build on the future instead of having one foot already in the grave and the other firmly planted in my past... I met you because of Kurt (original leather jacket airbrushed with Kobian for those of you wondering.) and I bought the Danier because of the connection we had and the other thing i was going to by that day... why you never received the other

This evening something happened that I was not expecting and it's bring me closer to absolute victory, I am have been honest and frank and I have been straightforward and that was reflected, I am the same fucking person i was in 2000 when I met you and I am the same fucking person yesterday that i will be tomorrow... nothing changes.. I know exactly who I am.. I may be sick of fighting battles but when i need to I fight till my dying breath when that's the amount of fight required.. this is a long battle and i will emerge from it forever changed as will he... but I will emerge from it and soon. Current Mood: Determined. Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting.

Let's establish a few things right now in terms of my fucking life.. I am responsible for only one other person In my life and it seems like am being drained away by concerns that are not mine and distracted by them, I need to analyze my options and start making plans to move forward.. if someone is crying the blues and can't find any kind of stability in her life and that conversely affects my life I am seriously considering moving on, there has been way to much bullshit in the last year to consider anything otherwise, because of her actions i was essitantly homeless last winter for December and at this fucking point i am debating whether or not i want to allow myself to be stuck in the predicament again... I care about the people around me but i have to look out for myself and my interests first, As i said Other than me, there is only One person I am responsible for... and at this point i have to do a long hard look in the mirror and at my surroundings and decide what the be

I am sitting around doing my own thing while other's questionable actions affect my life and I wonder how much of this fighting is worth it, and which decisions in my life need to made so I can very clearly protect those i care about, when i think the safest decision is to walk away even tho i do care about people in my life, I will not endanger them, even tho the risks were spelled out very early on in the decision making and i covered our asses legally, I'm not the one that has anything to fear.. the lives of innocents lie in the balance, and they've already taken everything precious from me... they will not do that to another, i don't care, that life of hell is not something i wish on anyone, my child, my nieces or nephew's or my friends children, i will fight and if i can't or am not allowed to fight i will walk away, i will not make another's lot in life worse just to make mine better. just because i am not ruled by my emotions and my fears doesn

I know who I am, I know who the man I am at my core, I know what my beliefs and ethics are and always have been, I know the bridge that has to be burned and what it has cost me emotionally to be this detached and letting the burning bricks fall where they may, but i am the ashes in that fire, reborn as i always have been in this life...you may have to kill me to keep me down but there's no gaurentee of that as long as i have a heartbeat i will stand and fight... even when the bones ache and the battle is too goddamn long... there is no choice, this is who I am, this is who i always have been, there's a fire inside me, every trial every tribulation, has brought me to this exact point in my life.. i am stronger for it... I can fight this battle, I can see it through to the logical conclusion, there is a reason for the light at the end of the tunnel... there always has been... but before the end of the day i will see you burn, and I will supply the gasoline.... this is only the be