Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I'm Not Angry, Not all the time at least, I just had an awesome time with family and spent my time wisely, I even seen the hobbit with a very valued family member, and i have to say it has been a great privilege to watch him grow into a man. i have a new home, and new state of mind going into the future and Plans that will come to fruitiion in the near future, it's time to start taking actions and repsonisbilty for those actions and not allowing my choices in life to be based on material things or temporary anger.. it's time for long term planning and Figuring out where things are going to be at the end of this tunnel so i can provide when I will have to... It's time to make changes to my lifestyle agian, If i can better myself and give myself a bulletproof vest from all the bullshit and lies that have hounded my life...I can't be broken down twice...it's time to make sure all the cracks are sealed and Do something new...It's time to grow up a little and

I'm still miserable but I am getting there, there is a little hope in my heart.. i still miss little man terribly but at least at this point i have some of my Xmas shopping done and i will be spending it with loved ones and pretending that my troubles don't exist, of course there will be something missing, but that's not by my choice... I just have to live for today and be ready for tomorrow..... that's what it's about.. and when that day comes your presents under the tree will be there. Current Mood: Miserable. Current Mood: Faster, Within Temptation Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

I am too old to be this miserable... but I have decided to make some positive change and maybe allow some other kids to enjoy the mountain of crap at my house.. 90% of it is replaceable and I would rather see it get used than to collect dust... I just can't deal with this depression in my fucking life anymore.. this holiday makes me feel the most miserable, even when there is a little spark of light it still seems like everything is falling apart... I'm so angry and so hurting and I miss him so fucking terribly... I'm not happy here alone... It's so difficult being alone and without him this time of year.... this will not fucking happen again... I will make the most of the holiday but i cannot deal with the absence of a very Important part of my soul especially during the winter solstice... Current Mood: Depressed. Christmas makes everything twice as sad.

This is supposed to be a happy time and a time of celebration but i feel so damn fucking empty, i am surrounded by friends and soon by family and I have no worries but I still am Empty and missing something in my life... I swear to you my little boy one way or another this will be the last year that this happens...All that I hold dear I will not spend another Christmas without you, it's just not fair.. your mother has taken so much away, this will be the last time she has the fucking chance to so, You are missed and will be over the holidays even more than the terrible sadness I have every day without you... it isn't fair... your gifts are here waiting for yuou when this is all over and things return to normal, you are not forgotten, ever. Current Mood: Miserable Current Music: In The Middle Of The Night, Within Temptation It's not revenge I'm looking for. It's justice.

I am not fond of this time of year for many reasons, least of all it is another year where I will be alone staring a mountain of Christmas and birthday gifts accumulated over the years square in the face.. I am losing patience with the world and want to be left alone.. I should not be this alone, I should not be this sad, and I should have something to look forward to, instead of being angry.. I hate this fucking holiday. Current Mood: Sad When life seems hard, the courageous do not lie down and accept defeat; instead, they are all the more determined to struggle for a better future.

I am becoming a happier person even tho Sunday was probaly one of the most depressing fucking days of my life... all these Happy memories eradicated because of one person's selfishness.. but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am prepared for the final battle, I just need to look around me and see who is a good person in my life and who isn't. it's not about who I am, it's not about who I used to be. it's too bad that one person can't see past her highly imaginary self centered view of life to care about anyone but herself. that's what hurts the most... Missing memories really get's into my head and I know damn well that i'm not the only one hurting because of it... in fact i'm not even the most important one hurting as a result... but the pain still stings. it's time for me to get what needs to be done and change things and bring things back to the reality that they need to be and not this reality that has been crea

Happy birthday little man, 9 already where has all the time gone... you are missed and loved and your gifts are still here... and this will be all over soon...I miss you very much. things are still confusing but i will make that end soon....Just remember this when you are old enough to read this... I never stopped fighting for you, I never walked away... I love you... you are my little boy...always. this will be the last set of birthday and holidays I miss spending together with you, I promise. Current Mood: My baby boy is 9, Happy Birthday. The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.

Two More days and Another birthday will have passed, I swear to all that i hold dear In this world that a third Will not come to pass without me being in his life... the selfish person that has put all of this in motion will be defeated by her own words and her own actions.. I am more than sick of the waiting but it is time for me to be on the offensive....I don't need to wait anymore.. I have the upper hand and it's time.... you want to use my past to destroy me that's fine.... I'm not the only one that has a dark past and i will use that against you... you have secrets too and i will use them against you... it's not about you and i, It has never been about you and I... this is a battle for his little soul and one of our views and ways of life... you choose to eliminate me a dozen times and each time I will rise up against you, stronger, angrier than before... when a man's soul is pure you cannot and will not destroy him with a carefully crafted fiction. one th

I am sick of waiting for the Chess game that is my life to end.. there has to be another move, things are changing.. but i am losing patience with all of the players and all of the fucking bullshit involved.. I have yet to move and don't even have the keys and i have zero tolerance right now for the older place and my things still there.. hopefully tonight one way or another I will get them out but playing politics about money and my time is never a good idea.. i have to get moved and I have to have a safe place for when my little boy comes home.. it's not about anything else...I can withstand a million things until that happens but i am slowly poisoning myself with the passage of time with this infernal waiting.. nothing like the world passing you by while you are doing nothing.... and you can do nothing.... the patience level is low. Current Mood: Angry. I'm beginning to think it's easier to scare people than to make them laugh.

I often wonder if i am in purgatory or If i am in hell as I every day goes by and i Can feel smaller and smaller parts of me drifting away as I await this final battle... It is hell being a limbo status In terms of my life.. silently waiting for the next step.... Nothing I can do to accelerate things.... I am well prepared for the battle, Less so for the waiting. Current Mood: Bored. Current Music: Within Temptation, Faster. Maybe heaven was innocence, limbo was ignorance, and hell was fiery illumination.

I am at a point in my life that very soon I am going to have to make some even harder decisions than I have already made, I have good options and I have lousy options at the moment my option that i have chosen is merely a placeholder to see what the next month or two will bring.. I'm no longer standing still without forward momentum but i am still going up a large hill very slowly... it's time to decide.. I know long term Hamilton No longer figures into the plan, I hate it here and it really is just about the reality that the city for me has outlived it's usefulness and created more fucking issues than i ever needed in my life...Windsor is calling me home and I have an option there... truth be told it was the one place that does feel like home.. the place i was happiest... But as much as the core of my being is defined by Windsor... the purest and most important part of my soul is currently in St. Catherines and Unless that changes it will be a very hard choice to decide to

I am sick of waiting, this next step in my life is about to happen and maybe i can find peace but maybe the shit in my life will continue to be just as confused as ever... Either way I know that I will have stayed strong and endured.. because that's exactly what I do.. I endure... nothing has ever defeated me in the past and Nothing in this reality will ever defeat me... i am not bound by other's skewed versions of reality... i stand.. even if it means standing alone. Current Mood: Determined. It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.

Being Angry at the state of my world does not equate to me being fucking violent... my rage has a singularity and single focus.... and I ask If i was truly angry and violent why hasn't that door ever been kicked in? why i have i always played this emotional game of chess rather than using my fists for a quick solution, I have evolved past that.. I am the man I am because of all my experiences and all of my scars... you were once part of that but now you are merely something i look back at and wonder what the fuck I'm doing... I know the sins that I have committed and the ones I have not and being with you was never one of them, but it has become My demon...I wonder where i would be if i wasn't tied to your fucking bullshit reality. but as always this was never about you, you are merely the reflection, My demon showing me in the mirror how you think you can control me...But you can't control me... No one ever has.. I have a very powerful weapon or two.. My mind, and My

It's time to reevaulate my life and the people that I hang around, Certian people's little flaws become huge gaping chasms of darkness when you are forced even for a few days to depend on them because you need something... I have a chance for a new start and a new place.. and while it may not last long it will give me options that I do not currently have.... This is a stopgap phase until I make some ultimate decisions... but it will do.. what won't do is certian people in my life, freinds and other's that are dragging me down... I know who I am, I know underneath a dark and angry exterior their's always going to be a good person underneath... Unfourtunatley for some of my freinds I cannot say the same fucking thing. It's time to cut them loose... I can't be absorbed by their darkness's when I'm fighting off my own. Current Mood: Depressed. You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.

I am sick of waiting on making the next step.... It does not matter how much I wait and stare into the void, something has to change and soon.. I don't like sitting around and waiting for something in my life to once agian make sense.. I just wait... I have the answers but I really need someone to be asking the questions and that isn't currently happening... It has been almost 2 years, I am not sure how much long he or I can endure this burden and all this pain.. it's not about either one of us it never has been.. it's exactly what it has always been about.. Someone else. Current Mood: Depressed. I hope I can protect the one thing I can’t live without.

While I am currently In a holding pattern and have to wait on the next chess move, I am confident that whatever becomes the next reality of my life that I will be able to endure it... It's probably time for me to move on a deal with the reality of the fact that i may have to scorch my earth and walk away from a lot of things i hold dear for vindication and to clear my name.. but it's not about me... it's never been about me... i have no illusions anymore... I just want to go back to a normal fucking life instead of just waiting on the next step... I'm sick of the fighting, Sick of battles and sick of waiting... I was made strong, but i was made for better things than this... I'm sick of just waiting and waiting... it's not about me... it's about him... and the more i think about it.. i despise the fact that the knife has once again been placed in my back. Current mood: Angry. If I had believed in a God of rewards and punishments, I might have lost courage

the Move is over and everything is done and in a storage locker and it's time to move on with my life, but i am very sad.. that was supposed to be the forever house and where i would stay and watch him grow up... of course other people's plans have interfered with that and why it isn't fair I do understand I just wish it could have happened diffrently... i guess this is a good thing tho.. good memories there but also the hell of the past two years in terms of everything that has happened, i've lost my job, lost my son and now lost the only place I have called home in many, many years... I am sad but it's a process now I just have to move on.... at least i have something stable for the next duration of my life... Current Mood: Sad. Home is a shelter from storms - all sorts of storms.

The chaos to this move is almost over and the next step is around the corner, But i cannot say i am happy due to the current turn of events... threats and intimidation are never a way to deal with me, I may not react but i will let it simmer...i will remeber it... it's bullshit how things turned out and while i understand her reasons i also find them unfair and unjust, i should have had till the end of the month but of course games have been played in terms of them for some time.. i had an option to make a full exit when i was on vacation back in July the reality is that is probaly when i should have made a decision to exit and do something else with my life.. at this point i just feel lost and angry.... I can see where some of the issues started and i can see the fact that some of the issues would have been dealt with by me making a final exit in the summer... now i venture on into the great unknown due to someone else's issues and lack of respect of tenant rights or basic hum

Another delay but this time it's for a purpose, however I am sick of the fucking games involved... but it is better to be represented but not... it's a completely different animal involved in terms of everything that is going on when I have to deal with them alone.. Of course I don't think that will be an issue soon, i have a month and i have a couple of options in terms of who i can deal with.. and I have some ammunition in my bullets right now that helps the case... I just don't trust them, this is a battle and a war.. and I will not be some matyr strung up like a puppet... only i control the destiny that I don't believe in... it's time to function and move things forward... every chess piece in action, every variable i can control i will control... it's about action it's not about waiting and hoping that situation will change, the more information i get and the more i can do about the situation the better off i will be.. I can somehow see a light and

I am Fucked, I have Nowhere to go and I have responsibilities here that can't be ignored esp. with the changing of the tide in terms of the next chess move.. everything is changing and being out on the streets with No supports is not a fucking option... I am fed up with the fact that someone's stupid little chess game is why I don't have options and this is a need to remove me entirely that has created the situation I am currently in.. I am fucked in terms of my job, my homelife... there's probaly a reason why i think about shiny little bullets every day...when my life is falling apart what is left for me to... I need to get away and at this point a serious consideration is moving back to windsor and saying fuck my entire life down here, not like i really have one... it's been crumbling since 2005, when you break down a man you can really take you time doing so.. and it doesn't help with emotional vampires out there is the housing market... I need something safe

I am sick of dealing with two faced and illusory people in this fucking city... I need something and I need to deal with it now.. this is the worse hell I have ever been thru in a while, not knowing exactly where I'm going to be living in the next little while and having money in my pocket to deal with it but feeling like I'm Standing Fucking still...I need to keep going on with my life.. I need to fix a few things in my life but as long as I have distraction and am dealing with scam artists and slumlords that won't happen.. Windsor Is being very seriously considered, i have a home there and it's safe.. and I have options.. Only one thing holds me back and I wonder some days if the sacrifice will be completely worth it. But i have to hold onto Hope that it will be.. I am thinking in terms of friends as well I may end up being more selective in terms of the next move... I am sick of people In my life just being hanger's on and only being fair weather friends that agr

While some things in my life are coming together some other things in my life are still falling apart.. my current and basic attitude right now is let's just deal with what I have to and then I will figure out the rest but I am frustrated dealing with fucking people and their politics when it comes to looking for a safe place for me to stay, I have never had these difficulties finding a place before and ridiculous the depths i have to suffer just to be able to move into something fucking safe for me and my child... I have seriously considered packing it all up and going to Windsor, at this point I have had my fill of Hamilton and the surrounding areas.. I have almost considered making a phone call to Welland and going to a place where i once felt safe and secure and it was without her influence at all... i know that's just nostalgia talking but it could work, anything beats being homeless and aimlessly drifting and not knowing where the next move will be.. I should have more op

I don't Like waiting, And i Don't like the great fear of the Unknown.. this is the first time In a long time in my adult life I have honestly thought that there is a real possibility of me being homeless for a few weeks... that's not a good place for my current Mindset... I need to continue to look hard and find something safe and appropriate for my life and figure things out.. it's not about me... It's about Him.. as long as keep that mindset and don't let fear and desperation set in and make bad choices for myself based on the current environment I'll be fine... I need to do what's right by us both. Current Mood:Waiting. Belief is not a matter of choice, but of conviction.

I am angry, and however it may be focused it is splintered and Threats and Intimidation do not work agianst me.. the more I think about things and the Direct threat i was given today the more than anger and the rage rages within my soul.. I have a real fucking battle to fight and to deal with and petty nonsense about leaving on someone's timetable is bullshit.. I've been a good person and a good tenant.. I'm more than a little fed up with given a deadline... I am on a limited income what part of that don't you understand I have asked you for nothing and i have had to deal with sleezebags and scam artists for the last month just looking for something safe for my child.. I'm sorry i can't get my shit together on your pretty little timetable... I am making a safety net plan to deal with the next step, and I have decided to begone to a freinds or somewhere maybe even windsor on the 15th even if everything get's hauled away to storage for the moment.. i am having

I am about to change my life in a dozen diffrent ways and the one battle that has to start today and end today is an argument about Housing? Newsflash you're the one with marital problems not me.. I've dealt with mine without involving you.. I am sick of trying to hold a fragile peace rather than just being defeated by someone attempting to intimidate me... I had to lose a little bit of control and show my temper today to show that meant buisness and get some resoltion... At this moment and time being homeless is not an option.. giving someone money i dont have is not an option.. I need this person for a bigger battle but I am not going to sacrifice the shit storm that is my life to just move on to make things conivent for someone else's situation... thankfully it has been resolved peacefully.. and I have good news and positive things to look forward to in the coming days even if i do have a storm to continue to ride the wave of... No fear... Nothing but the determiniation

I know for a fact I am no longer alone in this battle and i have my supports and the gates are about to become a hell of a lot wider in terms of the near future, i'm still in a battle for my life and for his but the game has changed and I am no longer fucking waiting... once agian it's time to be proactive and not reactive and get things done... I finally fucking feel like i have the upper hand and I can take that and hold that with me when i go into whatever battles i face currently. it's nice to see that one's actions... not mine have painted them into a corner... and it's a bad place alone. Current Mood: Hope. Temper is a weapon that we hold by the blade.

The battle is only just beginning but finally today i have gotten myself some vindication and some proof that I'm not the insane one in a dream world... my heart hurts for my little man that this is what she has reduced us too.. but that is her choice and she is the one damned to hell for it... But at least I have a little more strength to continue viewing down the wall of despair that has enveloped my life and I will come out this battle eventually proven innocent... it's just very sad that she has had to make this drastic action and destroyed my life.. (which If anyone really knows me.. I don't give two shits about...) but destroyed his as well... (which if you do know me, is the only thing I give a damn about and is just about the only thing left on this earth I will die to protect.) it's about her materialistic little perfect world that I don't fit in because I'm not willing to acquiesce to her demands or conform to her lifestyle and let all my dreams slip

I am hoping tommorow that I have some good news.. I'm sick of dealing with the nonsense that has become my life... Of course the true reflection is the fact that I am mostly likely going to hear the same old refrain about how the choices I made when I was young affect me again as an adult and that I will likely be fighting another uphill battle for yet another year or so.. and Who benefits? Only one person with her masterstroke of the system, this is why you can't ever trust or let anyone in... you have to stand alone because the minute someone knows your intimate secrets one day they can and will use them to destroy you... It's too bad I'm already destroyed and standing In the ashes of Hell.. there isn't much farther down I can fall.. and you can't break me... nor can you kill me... so why bother trying... this is a battle and war and I am far from finished with it... The only way this will ever end is with absolution and vindication or my dying breath. Curre

The longer this journey takes i find it's about a man I used to be a long time ago, No one cares who I am Now or was as a father... It's about the fractured fairy tale that was my fucking childhood when i was younger than he is now, the fucked up family dynamic i have had over the years, and the fact before I was twenty I did a little jail time for stupidity? this is the man I am defined as, Not the writer, not the poet, not the guy that spent ten years upgrading my education so i could make a fucking differences in the world..the guy who gave up on that idea just to be a father and did the right thing and went back to her city and fought a long court battle to be a dad, Nope I am fucking defined by being a street kid with a rough upbringing? you're fucking right I'm bitter and Angry... I had to fight to become who I am and Now I have to fucking fight to get some semblance of that life back? it's becoming harder and harder to fight these battles with everyone knocki

I should be getting ready to take a little boy out for Halloween and dealing with the fun of dressing up like Darth Vader agian, this is the first year in three for whatever reason I am not going trick or treating... Only one Halloween has ever been spent with my son trick or treating that Isn't fair... the reality is I should be out tonight with the ghouls and goblins going door to door with my boy instead of sitting here facing a crossroads at this point of my life.. doors lead to nowhere and can lead elsewhere..But i'm not sure where I am going and what the next step is.. this day should be mine and his not another day for me to be worrying about what the future holds... Happy Halloween Little man... Current Mood: Sad. Clothes make a statement. Costumes tell a story

I am losing fucking pateince with the current situation, it's getting ridiclous having to deal with fucking asshole landlords who aren't looking for more than anything but a quick buck... This is not what i need in my life right now... it's so fucking easy for me to consider going to back to something that is safe and secure in another part of the world except for the fact i have responsibilkities here and I would rather not have my downward spiral of a life just turn into more shit by abandoning that... there is only the fact that their is nothing here for me that has me considering it... but What am I going to do? I am sick and tired of not having options, this isn't my fault.. i did the right thing when a weaker man would have cut and run and I am damned for it. Current Mood: Angry. No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they’d die for.

I am getting sick of waiting for my fucking life to change... If, and only If I have to do something drastic to change my life... and trust me I am considering it... I'd rather rule in Hell than be a prisoner of heaven anyways... sick of the bullshit here.. everything in fucking hamilton always turns to shit... I ams eriously thinking about packing it all up and going back to windsor... at the end of the fucking day does it really matter? there is only one fucking thing that roots me to southern ontario and it would be very easy for me to walk away.... in fact i never should have fucking came back in the first place... i would not have destroyed had i stayed surrounded where it was safe... instead I came back here and took responsibilty and that was the key to my destruction... of course I'll go Down fighting.. even if i lose... as always... No surrender, No giving up and No regrets... I am the man I always was.. No more and No less...And I have No fear..... Current Mood: Pis

Even in the worst darkness, sometimes small things can give hope.. and at this point I am at the end of my fucking rope.. but a new, possibly positive option has emerged and hopefully it will be very easy for me to deal with and I will have some of the light back in my life that the last month or so has taken away, Adversity is a great determinatior and I am very determined.. hopefully the great black void that is my current situation will be removed and i will have some available light this afternoon.. i'm just sick of searching and waiting for my life to continue without me... it's time for change. Current Mood: Hopeful, Determined. In life you need either inspiration or desperation.

I am losing fucking patience with the situation and everything around me... I do not like dealing with no shows and slum lords in Hamilton and am seriously considering saying fuck it and just throwing everything in storage for a month or so and disapeering away somewhere else..The Hamilton Experiment is for all intents and purposes over... there is no fucking reason i should have ever moved here.. it's realistically been a clusterfuck since day one and the only real thing of substance I had while i was hear was violently stripped away from me along with a lot more of exactly what defines me... I am losing patience with the situation and I am losing patience with people.. I don't like a feeling of being used and then forced out... I really don't like the fact that I'm backed into a corner again.. I am already locked into enough corner's.. you know what happens when a wild dog is leashed or trapped? he lashes out.. and I'm getting to a fucking boiling point... all

Anger and desperation can be good and terrible things, they can inspire a man and they can destroy a man.. it's a delicate balance choosing the right actions and the next chess move without destroying yourself and the things that you hold dear.. I could give into my emotions and the anger and the darkness or I can use that shit as fuel and let the fire fuel me into unbreakable iron and wait for the day when their is total inevitable victory, because I will settle for nothing less.. I have No fear of anyone In this world and if my experiences throughout my life and his have proven anything is that i will never ever back down, not for anything... every scar, every war wound.. every experience good or bad has brought me to this point... fuel of fire, anger and hate.. but it's up to me into which direction I send it... And trust me I send it in the right direction... I just don't allow the rage to control my actions... Current Mood: Angry, Dark. It was in that moment that I

What the Hell? I needed you a while back and you didn't bother, but suddenly you initiate contact and I'm supposed to care or give a damn.. you could have made a fucking difference when it meant something... but Now i don't know... this battle is so damn hard.. and make no fucking mistake as with everything in my life I am doing it alone with no fucking distraction from the fairer sex.... I'm just as messed up as you are.. but you know what I deal with it... i'm hurting so much right now.. more than you will ever know... you're presense here complicates things in my mind... I have to hold you at bay.. right now I can't afford emotional attachments or to be looking one or many steps behind... it's about who i am right now.. it's about being Who I am.. and always have been, It's about standing stall for who and what I believe in.... I can't look back.. and I won't... Even when I want to... At one's ultimate challenge and crucible you f

One of the most difficult things in my life was packing up my son's room last night and i nearly broke down doing so.. this not knowing what the next step is for any of this shit is killing me.... I have nowhere to go but to return to Windsor and that is a bigger self sacrifice than I am willing to make.. Life is about choices and this is a deadly chess game... one I will see thru to the end.. No matter the cost... I don't like the idea of an unknown future and I am becoming physically sick with the lack of options presented... and the fact that i may need to run away again and again... but I don't fear that... the only thing I fear is not doing the right thing and losing everything I have fought for so hard for the remainder of my life.. these fucking assholes may have put me one step behind but the time for reckoning is soon upon us.. I just have to make sure the other things in my life are exactly where the fuck that they are supposed to be.. and if that mean's not b

Sometimes i do think it would be easier just to fuck off to windsor and leave everything of my life here that i have built over the past 9 years behind... It's too much of a daily struggle.. I don't like arguments about moving when I am the one who is being forced to give up my safety and security because of your personal situation, I have rights and while i'm trying to make my exit as graceful and as fucking polite as i can make it without starting another battle... it's still annoying to hear a set date earlier than the one you have given me.. I am losing patience with the world.. with the whole fucking house hunt and with the city of hamilton. It would be very easy for me to completely disappear and throw everything in storage and just not give a fuck anymore... Victoria is also tempting as i would be able to start over, but doing that sacrifices the only fucking thing in my life that has any meaning anymore... I just wish this was as easier process i'm sick of l

I am sitting around angry watching everything in my life fall apart and just waiting for the next step... I am aggressive, I am take charge, I encounter my problems Head on.. waiting around for things i cannot affect or change on a daily basis sucks... waiting on answers and Having to wait eats a hole right inside of me... This is a battlefield, this is a war.. I need someone to fight.. too much time has been spent plotting against me and dealing with the an aftermath that has not yet come... I need to fight this battle head on and I can no longer satisfy myself by waiting of the vapor trails of future victory...I can't keep looking at the ghosts of my former life...It's time for some major changes in my life and while it would be easy to look backwards into Windsor and other places I've lived right now It's about being me.. it's about being the person I need to be right now and dealing with all this weight that has been placed on my shoulder's I'm not goin

The worst part of all of this is when there is a time of waiting... I can sit around in my own personal perguatory when I am waiting on answers, but knowing the answers are out there and the games is still being played and I am having a sleepless night due to the fact that I am waiting on the game to end is more than a little fucking frustrating... it's likes staring into the void and waiting on the next fucking step.. and waiting still.... I can glimpse the shores of hell anytime i want.. I'm already Damned for the One Sin I did not commit, but the things that makes the worst of it and makes all the more painful is the waiting. My demons can't destroy me, they make me stronger but the waiting on the answer.. that eats me up inside.... Current Mood: Waiting. The fact that most people don't believe in hell doesn't mean they won't end up there.

I don't know the next step, but I DO know that I am getting one step closer to it and that all the sacrifices of the last year and a half will eventually turn out to be worth it.. I just have to be strong like i have been standing and making it thru to the other side and not let the world fucking defeat me.... there's not much left for me in hamilton and it's time to seriously consider elsewhere, but the one thing that does drive me is always going to be a part of me and he is always going to drive my actions... I can survive anything towards that Goal. Current Mood: Determined. The treachery of demons is nothing compared to the betrayal of an angel.

I can sit around and wallow in self pity and depression about everything going on in my life, but instead I am using the fire and Flames to forge me into iron... I keep going ahead with the strength of a thousand men because I know fighting and never backing down is better than being consumed by hatred and disillusion and depressions.. I'm not other people... I won't be destroyed because of the fact my life has changed.. I will answer the call I will fight and I will survive... I look around and see people who are to blame for their situations and they are wallowing... I can't feel sorry for them because I do not feel sorry for myself.. Every sad story, every Cryful tear.. you know what I got a story to match... It's up to you what you do with your life and how you answer when you are struck down and adversity strikes and people try and destroy you... I've been destroyed, yet from the wreckage i stand, taller than I ever was before. Current Mood: Determined. I am

I can be Angry one day and totally depressed and In the dumps about my situation and within minutes or hours i can turn that around and make it a positive and manipulate the situation to my advantage, My anger motivates me.. it will give me fuel to survive and do what I need... there are levels I am willing to take to survive and Some might not always agree with my choices but at this point the options are there that can be more beneificial than a nuclear option, but i still have that in my back pocket if all else fails... the only reason i'd go for that one is knowing that I have secruity.. at this point there are several options and i just need to be angry, use it for fire in my belly and Make a good decision, for the moment... some times it's gotta be about me... Current Mood: Determined. I think, when one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable like... like old leather. And finally... it becomes so familiar that one can't

I am getting really fucking fed up with the government In this country, every agency seems to have contradictory rules and regulations that they fuck people up with, there is a reason that people cannot escape poverty in this province because it's a system of keeping people down, under their thumbs.... their is no escape... I have seen this professionally and personally and it sucks.... their is no place for anyone in this world except for the chosen elite and I am sick of it.. I can go from sad to happy about my circumstances in life in the period of a few fucking minutes and that's not fair because i know the rules.. and the truth is... i will fight for what i have to.. for what i believe but it is getting so damned hard to when i know their are easier options. it's a pen stroke and one petty idiots pen stroke that affects those decisions... it's not like could be any worse... I've already had my life, my heart and career destroyed by one petty, vindictive person.

There is currently time to focus on the future and start making changes in my life... somewhat forcefully i have been forced to confront the next move and deal with what must come next in my life, There are options I just need to decide what those options are, Today I made a huge decision and a Huge move forward in getting my police clerance so some of the lingering questions that remain can be resolved, I intend to go back to work and deal with my life.. I may advoid certain sectors till this is all said and done but you know what I'd rather be an Noble Demon working with populations i can help than Be sitting at home Drowning In apathy, Waiting... Current Mood: Determined. I have maintained an extreme level of anger and solitude over periods of my life...And in doing so I've developed into a devil...So in order to know me is to accept an angelic demon.

I am getting more than a little impatient with the housing market around here, there are way too many slumlords and scam artists and advertising a one bedroom apartment when in reality you are renting a room is a waste of my time and energy to go look at, responding to me and having me come look at a place and then no response afterwards good or bad is also frustrating.. I have an option, it's a nuclear one.. but it would be very easy for me to pick up a truck and leave Central Ontario behind and go Home... but it's a nuclear option because what's important is located here.. the only reason for all the sacrifices, the reason my stomach grumbles more than it should, the reason everything i have is me just sitting waiting for whatever the next step may be... It's very hard for me to go to the next step when the current step has left me behind with nothing.. I know why I am doing this, I know why I am sacrificing but some days it's so damn hard to keep going because it

My life may be coming apart, But it is clear to me after other's actions yesterday that I am not alone in that, and that the way you behave towards people may have an everlasting effect upon everyone around you... I hope I am never that miserable and never see the world as somewhere where it has to be a certain way.. i get it.. the world is crumbling around and you are struggling for some semblance of order... but the truth is you don't treat friends and family trying to help you in that way, I can't and won't take sides... even tho this whole thing is resulting in me losing my home and security of the last three years toooo.. this was my home as well... but a little respect goes a long way for a reason And i don't like being treated like dogshit... I can be an asshole too but out of respect I was not... Things are clearer now and I am less angry about the situation even tho I am still as torn up about the situation, but I know how to deal with adversity and changes

I am getting very frustrated by the apartment hunting, their are way too many scam artists and people that just want to turn a buck out there.... every place i have looked at so far is a shit hole... I am just looking for permanence in my life.. This kind of shit makes windsor look very entincing... I had permanence there, ther eis only one thing i would have to give up here to go back and that's the one thing i will not sacrifice no matter the cost.. but i am very frustrated to what's going in my life right now... I wish i could just cralw into a hole and forget the world exsists for a little while.. but no I gotta be one of those people with a huge backbone and never give up, never say die attitude and face things head on, head strong, stubbornly as always... I'm frustrated but that's inconsiqutial to the situation. Current Mood: Depressed. Persons who have been homeless carry within them a certain philosophy of life which makes them apprehensive about ownership.

There is a time a place for patience and a time and place for change.. I don't like the fact that I have to change things and move but that is the reality of the world, and as bad as I am hurting can't imagine what it's like for another family that had a strong cornerstone behind it to be crumbling... I respect these people very much.. they gave me and mine a home for a very long time.. I can't imagine how much they are hurting... It's just a change in a life full of them for me.. but for them this has got to be the end of their worlds.. and my heart reaches out for them... my own pain aside... Current mood: Sad. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.

I am Focused and Angry, I know that I should be using the current situation as a focused catylyst for Change, but the reality is I am frustrated and at this point in my life i tought things were secure enough that I didn't need to be looking for yet another place... I always end up feeling Homeless and fearing being Homeless when I am looking for an apartment I have options but some of them aren't nessicarly the best choices for me at the current time.. I am to the point where i am just so goddamned frustrated I don't know what the next step is going to be.. It's just a matter of making a decision and running with it. I can't see the future and I can't feel anything good coming up for me.. all i seem to do is run into brick walls.. I can survive anything but i am getting frustrated with the fact that I constantly have forks in the road and wonder if i ever made the right decision leaving Windsor and being a dad, One of the few things i actually had in Windsor w

The next few weeks are going to be pivotal to the rest of my life, everything is coming to a head and the game is sadly all over the place, but as long as i keep my head high and keep struggling aginast the forces that doom me I'll be fine... there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the only constant in my life is change, but this is a possibilty to the next step.. I don't have to sit around and laungish in what could have beens.. I can just keep moving forward and face every experince in my life standing stall on both feet... Current Mood: Tired, Depressed. It is not reasonable that those who gamble with men's lives should not pay with their own.

I am Angry about the current situations in my life... This is not how things are fucking supposed to be... I am less than enthused by the attempt to be forced out at home without any real notice... I will leave as soon as soon as i find something safe and acceptable but I am quite frustrated over the fact that the past year i have sacrificed so much just to keep that roof over my head and I got fucked over.. I understand the situation and my heart even hurts for them but my own heart is hurting for reasons much more important than them and in this game of chaos choices that will eventually affect him come first..I am trying to do the best I can but being woken up early morning when you know i haven't been sleeping isn't fucking impressive to ones willingness to leave peacefully and as soon as possible.. I have a lot of frustrations in my life and the truth is the fact that I can't realistically go anywhere for a few weeks is one of them... it is something that needs to be d

I am Used to playing all the angles and reacting with anger when something in my life does not go my way.. this time however I am just planning the future carefully and weighing all the variables... I'm No longer young and I have responsibilities while white hot anger and fury still exists inside of me at this point in my life i have to channel that rage in a positive direction or all my experiences in the last year will turn inward and consume me... I can't let my strength and anger and drive become a poison, Yes i'm angry about leaving the place we have called home for the last three years but in a way it is forcing me to make a decision one i have been happily avoiding since last year... there is always going to be a crossroads in my life and i will always have the fight or flee impulse, but i have chosen to stand my ground this long and fight... it's not likely that impulse will change anytime soon... the things that scares me is being trapped in a place forever tha

I like the fact that for the last little while i have been living my life and while dealing with emotional pain due to the part of the year it is and missing my little boy, you the one who has caused all of it is not entering the equation, I haven't thought of you for any real reason in a few weeks and the reality is even thru the nostalgia filter or thru the blinding red eyes of anger I'm not sitting around brooding and waiting for things to change.. I am dealing with them and not brooding... Yes, it seems like i am at a standstill now but when i devote time and energy it's towards positive goals and how i can change things.. when i say I haven't thought about you it is because I have better things to do with my life.. I am currently considering all the angles and making plans for the future, some of which i might not be comfortable with but anything is better than the torture and hell of the past year, it's time for me to stand alone, stand for myself and Not be

I know that this is just another Change in a life full of them, but sometimes little things that are so important like the places we live, and the materialistic things we put inside of them are not important, I have good memories here and It's a true fact that this is just bad timing for the house of cards to be falling apart, I am really angry and pissed off that all this suffering has been for naught and now I am faced with the dilemma of having to find a new place to live..I have options but the truth is.. I really don't want to go anywhere. the fact that all I am really hearing is silence thru a path of smoke and mirrors and I am unsure what the game is or the truth of the matter... I guess it will all come to a head at the end of the month when rent is required and we find out what's going on with everything, but right now I am very frustrated.. I fought very hard to keep this place... He chose it... He will be disappointed to find out I have moved.. this Is our home..