Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It is awesome to have delayed my christmas by a few days and actually having the time to see my family and freinds and little mans cousins and people i care about and spend time with them instead of trying to cram santa into a coupe of days off from work, working the long shift and then taking almost a whole week off works so much better, I am happier than i have been in years and it seems everything is finally working out and i am finding some balance in my life, it's very clear what i need to take a step back away from and or remove myself from but you know what my next shift is the new year and i can give it fresh eyes and a new start... today's not about that, it's about being around my son and him being around the people we both care about.. he's such a good little role model around his little four year old cousin.... she's wilder than he is. Current Mood: Cloud 9. The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in

Really thinking about a full time move back to niagara if i can find a job, i bcan find a better head space here and there are many things about this area that make me feel at home which aren't tied to one specific person or anything, Niagara and windsor feel more like home to me than hamilton does, which is sad because i grew up there but all i do in hamilton is watch the days pass by and attend work like a robot, i don't see any type of future in the city and despite my misgivings in Niagara it does feel like home, maybe next year i can find something that will work even part time down here. Current Mood: Happy. Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.

So another interesting lazy weekend of doing nothing but hanging out at home, it's interesting to see him occupy himself with just whats availible at home and he would rather stay at home with daddy than go out to the movies or do anything, just hanging out and watching cartoons is his bag, that's fine, i can do that every day of the year. So looking forward to this holiday and i think this is the first time in years i can say that.... Current Mood: Happy. Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.

Sometimes it's so good to have my little man near for a day or two and make all the darkness and agitation in my life go away just by his smile, just a little bit of time with him and my world completely changes and i can see why I do the things i need to just to be able to take care of him, this is going to be a good Christmas and he's very excited and happy, too bad he was sick this week but he's such a great kid, i love him so much, he makes all my troubles melt away. Current Mood: Happy. A child's spirit is like a child, you can never catch it by running after it; you must stand still, and, for love, it will soon itself come back.

While it's nice to have finally had a conversation and been listened to by my direct supervisor, it should not have taken an entire week to get thru to him, and the root causes of the nonsense and the bullshit are still the same, if i feel that i am not supported by him and by other staff and that the inmates are still running the asylum then it's time to make myself heard, there is only so much verbal abuse one can take and when one is hearing office politics out the mouths of a client that's fucking bullshit, that means someone is not choosing their words carefully and allowing themselves to be overheard, but that's par for the course, any negotiating with this brats leads to failure because they are going to manipulate to get what they want always, of course I'm still referring to it as a fucking daycare, i mean maybe i should bring diaper's and nappy's to work and coddle these kids even more and let them walk all over me, because at the end of the day if

Today is not a good day for you're fucking horseshit, oh woe is me i'm still sick and i'm keeping our son home because 'm sick, but you can't have your court ordered visit until saturday because i can't get my fucking fat head out of my ass long enough to take care of myself, oh and when an alternative is given you need to fucking react like a goddamn bomb is going off... it's so much more important to make sure that my son goes to the christmas assemblys on the last day at school instead of spending some time with daddy, stop being such a fucking self centered cunt and get off your fucking high horse, this is not the shit i want to deal with today, there's enough going on for you to start pulling your fucking horseshit, of course that's just it, you thrive on my being miserable, there's no illusion there. you'd rather i'd be unhappy and dependant on you than ever make it on my own, because then i'll come crawling back, here's the

This morning was the last final fucking straw, I cannot fucking deal with the verbal abuse from the clients when it's fucking obvious that I am not being supported by management, you can see from behaviors when something is about to escelate and there is no fucking attempt at deesclitation afterwards, i'm just a fucking overnight placeholder, I might as well be working in a fucking daycare, nothing i say or do matters, there's no point, we are simply warehousing these fucking kids until they end up in thorold or barton, I can't care because No one else does, esp. my boss... When i try and deal with it with management i get the typical reponse that's it's not so bad? It is fucking bad, you leave staff wide open for verbal abuse and accusations, but of course it's all good because we have to coddle these kids and make sure they are happy and toilet trained and keep the money flowing in right? I'm not seeing any of that cheedar so i'm gonna have a fucki

I have picked a date and i think i'm going to quit on that day, i tried speaking to management about the issues this morning and my response was it's not that bad, No, it's not, if the Inmates are running the fucking Asylum and have carte blanche, but when i am going home stressed, depressed and suicidal and i know other staff are as well, it's fucking bogus... you want to coddle kids, open a fucking daycare... I am sick of it and certian other staff aren't helping either by maing the full time staff's job harder, little things like letting the kids use blue boxes for snow forts on garbage day, do you know what it's like to have to clean up a wet snowy garbage bin outside at 5am because the clients dumped it due to lack of supervision and/or the staff member who was in just not giving a shit? it's little things and it's the fact that no one cares about anything in management, i know I was heard this morning when i was making money about the food budg

My sister raises an excellent point, why is a child at the other house being charged for minor assulats when we have out of control kids being predatory and very voilent at this home? I am not exactly happy nor ready to deal with this long term and not only am i considering quitting i am thinking being transferred back to the other house should be an option for me, it's pretty fucking said that i refer to my job as working in an insane asylum, i guess i should be used to it by now, i did grow up in the system, over medicated and pyscho babble were used to control me too, at least i had structure and programming, i know that i awoled and did dumb shit, but you know what, i can remeber those who were a positive influnce on my life, and who wasn't I think maybe at the old house their are a few clients who will grow up and remeber me as a positive influnence but at this house? there's no one, management has made it this way, it's very difficult to establish a relationship w

I think it's fucking time for me to set a date and move on even if it means quitting for justifibale reasons and collecting ei after i get thru the xmas season. I do not agree that when a child is breaking into someone else's house and being pyshcially voilent we should be keeping it internal esp. after said child has been caught crafting shanks with razors, I don't think that this creates a safe work enviorment nor is it a safe home for the other children, threats of retalitation from management for speaking out towards police and other authorities isn't just wrong and illegal it's criminal, and I won't stand for it.. when children are beng left behind and don't have proper winter clothing, and are being nickel and dimed for food as well, where are all the real brands of food not this no name shit? I don't feed my son No name and I have a lot smaller food budget than the fucking home. the cracks aren't cracks in the system here they are gigantic and

It was nice to go out last night with my one and only child and have dinner with him and hang around the mall, he was very polite and respectful and excited about his birthday party tonight, He was really excited when he got 3 1988 reisuue ninja turles figures in a wrapped up gift, sometimes it's not about the money you spend but the thought that goes into a gift. Current Mood: Happy. Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

Gonna hang out with my kid tonight and have a happy birthday dinner with him and just have a good time, he might get some Ninja turtles and some transformers if they are till on sale in st. catherines, i'm so happy that things are finally at a place where i can come and see him any time i want and that the arguments are all but over and we work as a team, it's nice to actually be able to see him around his birthday without it having to be my weekend, it took a long time but it's finally here, and their will be presents from me tommorow at the birthday party. Current Mood: Happy. Your children need your presence more than your presents.

Seven already, where has all the time gone? it seems like only yesterday you were 2 and just hanging out now i can't even call you my baby boy because you get mad at me, you've grown up so much, do daddy a favor and don't grow up too fast k? I'll see you tommorow. Current Mood: Very Happy. A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.

Nothing like an awesome little weekend with my little man in which he saw his aunts and got batman toys and hung out with daddy doing stuff, we never did get to go see tangled but it's all good, instead we ended up having a late sunday and not going home till 7 pm and we had time to go to eastgate and get one of his requested birthday presents a super hero squad iron man, so he went home happy and I'm thinking we will go see tangled friday night unless something better comes out that weekend... he wanted to stay another night and it broke my heart to tell him sorry buddy, daddy has to go to work tonight or i would have let him stay longer. Current Mood: Happy. A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.

I do not need your fucking nonsense about how poor you are and how much you can't afford to do xmas and his birthday because you only make 100 thousand fucking dollars a year, i have to live in a city i fucking hate, with a job that is probaly going to knock several fucking years off my life and leave me with PTSB, experince flashbacks everyday and only get minimum wage, I can barely pay my fucking rent but i've got to deal with your sob stories about shit.... i really think you need to examine you're fucking head and stop being so greedy, there is a reason why i have now planned to get him most of his big ticket toys at my house, i'm sick of you, your personailty and your selfishness, there's a reason we could never work, you are too much about yourself and too be damned with anyone else, it's all about you, anyone else around you even your son is just a goddamn possesion, and the diffrence between you and me is that i'm not like that, and I never will be,

Somwhow even on a peaceful night at work I feel i'm going backwards slowly in reverse, there is nothing left to accomplish here and when you see the future in your eyes and all you see is another year of a souless exsitense at this job, I've long given up hope of making a diffrence at the house, and the fact that the boss who has less tenure than me with the organizationd efers to me on a lot of things because i am better at manageing shit than he is confusing and very telling, I don't mind helping but how about a promotion and a raise and not just lip service? of course that won't happen because i'm just placeholding for the moment. they won't actually admit they fucking need me, and when money is the ultimate god i worry about the kids safety amongst other things.... it's winter... why these kids are getting some BS about a budget for clothing when it's clear they need winter clothing and boots and theirs a fucking value village 5 blocks away is beyond

I should not be feeling this dark about my future and everything around me, the major part of my christmas is done and all i have to do is let things take their course and hope everything turns out for the best, but somehow even on a day off the darkness overtakes me and I can't feel anything but Melancholy emotions, it's like i'm trapped in a little black box and theirs no wait out, and what's the use even trying, maybe tommorow will be a better day.. it can't get any worse when it's only being nothingness. Current Mood: Depressed. You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note.

I don't care if the weekend was a complete clusterfuck of scheduling and i had to do an insane 3 day shift over 36 hours but I was willing to, and when you are speaking to you when i am trying to explain that i need at least a days notice to be on a graveyard on a fucking saturday night because I like to hang out with my freinds and go to the bar, please do not treat me like a fucking client and constantly Cut me off, No wonder the kids don't respect you, when they could cut the tension with you're hired staff in the air, every one of those kids yesterday could tell when I had been on the phone with you even as I tried to remain positive towards them, but when you treat your employees like shit and use comments like maybe I should Hire someone else you make Us that are already there Feel fucking useless and it won't be any surprise when I take another job given you two weeks notice before christmas, and the fucking wonderful logic of hiring someone else hasn't just

20 hour Fucking shift later and these kids are bouncing off the fucking wall, the fact that the manager of the organization is taking unscheduled time off for his own selfish reasons is really wearing thin, we are supposed to be a team but their is no I in team and I am starting to feel taken advantage of, this group home is becoming everything I have rallyed agianast in the past in terms of whats wrong with the system yet i am sitting here for the sake of a paycheck and choosing to stick around while my carrer ends up in the toilet, I have other options and it's getting to the point where I need to examine them , you can't keep kids locked up in a house with nothing to do and leave staff No money to take them out, this is How crisis Happens and this is how people get burnt out, I can't see a future here, and I can't feel a goddamn thing. Current Mood: Exhausted, Pissed OFF Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, b

It was nice to actually get some rest last night and this morning without having to worry about everything in this world that's fucking wrong, but that doesn't erase the stain of everything thats wrong in the system, and it doesn't dismniss reactionary assholes and egos at my job, I really need to go into buisness for myself, time to stop hiding in the shadows and become an advocate or something that is fufilling, i am sick of this robot mode lifestyle where the clients are merely warehoused and stupid punishments are meted out even when expectations are followed, everyone has their own feifdoms and ther is no real communication, I am sick of fighting losing battles, it doesn't help when The kids are feral due to poor food choices of their and my overseers, I can't change anything there but i find the lack of rules, the lack of follow thru and the lack of some of their basic rights is understanbly getting to me, and the fact that it has arisen a crisis which is pla

I am getting to the point where I need to be Done with this fucking job, When i feel that there is immenent risk to my safety and to other clients when we have a voilent insomniac client that is up all hours of the night crafting weapons, because of said client i have not slept for over 5 hours in the last 72 hours, and I am not being supported at work at re: this client, I am half tempted to call both the labour board and the child advocacy office because i should not be in a position where I am going to give myself a heart attack due to exhaustion or worse because i am worried about the morning coming and waking up with my throat slit or a client dead at the house, it's not fucking safe and as much as i want my job and like my job i am afriad that given the enviorment that is being provided that something drastic will happen before management finnally wakes up and that changes need to bemade.. i mean is crafting weapons that can kill not enough of a fucking red flag to move this

And now onto the happy memory's from yesterday, My little boy got to see the toronto santa claus parade for the first time in person, and for everything that sucks in mine and his mother's lives to see him happy and excited about something that's going to be a memory for a very long time to come is all that matters in this world, I would take one day of happiness with him for years of misery without, he is so looking forward to his birthday and xmas and for once i can actually handle giving him everything he wants within reason for both holidays, I love him so much and when I'm with him On an Adventure (his words.)nothing In this world matters or can tear us apart. Current Mood ( well the mood at 730 pm last night.): Happy, Loved. Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

I am fucking done with this job at the earliest oppurtunity to remove myself, the inmates run the fucking asylum and at this point it's complete Anarchy, i mean taking 5 fucking handmade weapons off a client, like what the fuck, and the way some staff are dealing with these kids is boredline abusive, the fire inside me for this job has completely gone out, it's fucking time to move on, the Ministry evaluation was a farce, let's clean up the fucking house and make it look all nice and squeaky clean, the fuck? like that's going to fix things, you are merely putting a coat of paint on all the fucking problems and hoping they will go away, things won't change without drastic intervention and if it's not going to happen we are going to get shut down, i truly feel at this point wotrking for this organization is going toleave a black mark on my career, and the longer i work there the longer my carreer swirls the drain, i did not sign on to be A CYW for this, and worse

I have decided to start exploring my original goal of having my own group home, I can't be satisfied with the current situation because it's obvious That the place I am in is doing it for the wrong reasons and I don't feel supported by the management because he would prefer everyone has their own little feifdoms, there's no point in trying to have any conyuinity of care because no ones going to listen anyways and the kids will get to do anything they want, behaviors aside, it's not like the place is capable of being a treatment home anymore, it's a fucking warehouse, I am learning exactly what i don't want my house to be, I think at this point I need to start examining options of how i can make that last dream a reality. Current Mood: Determined. The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's determination

I am no longer comfortable at my job when I am asked to forge documents the morning before an inspection because no one else is botghering to do their jobs, it is very clear to me how much this organization is for profit and how little I am valued, obviously They ask me to forge dates and numbers because if anyone else does it they have deniablity, but i am seriously questioning my value to this company, I am thinking I am going to continue the slow death of my career until after christmas so i can have a nice holiday with my son, my family and freinds but I'm not even sure of that because it seems that getting some decent time off to spend holidays with my son may not be availible to me, the worst part it's not about politics holding anyone down, it's misminagement and obviously no one in charge is going to bother taking accountabilty for it, It really makes me wonder the level of care these kids are getting, wait, scratch that, I know the level of care these kids are gett

So tired, Nothing like having some ministry bullshit playing on my mind about keeping work clean, and sucking down coffee all morning to get some things that needed to be done this week done, now i want to rest but I can't sleep so I am doing other things to pass the time. at least I am focused and have golas and Aren't just idly standing by waiting for things to change, in the new years i will make things change agian. Current Mood: Exhausted. Tomorrow night is nothing but one long sleepless wrestle with yesterday's omissions and regrets

it's not enough to have ideals and keep doing your job as good as you can do it when No is supporting you and making a bad problem worse, Nothing like sparing the rod and letting the client rot spoiled, these kids need direction and routine, it's been months and finally when the shit's really hitting the fan and it's affecting the waking hour staff do they finally listen to the night guy who has more experince than the day staff? I can't see a future here when i am carrying more of the load than i need to, I have a personal life i can't work these hours and be expected to do anything but sleep all day, they need to start paying me awake hours if they expect me to be giving 110% at the moment i feel like 75% for mininium wage is more than enough. Current Mood: Exhausted. The attainment of an ideal is often the beginning of a disillusion.

Does anyone feel like a robot? The lack of free thought at my employment is staggering, I mean let's not worry about the kids basic nutriotional needs and not have bread or fucking milk in the house, let's send them to school with crusts of bread with some peanut butter because that's so fucking healthy, not to mention almost blatantly illegal given the public school boards no peanut stance, but who cares because i'm only a robot in a cog insert orders, carry them out and go home to spend 8 hours in a dreamless coma, No fucking wonder i had what seemed like heart problems last week, according to chch high stress jobs leads to heart conditions, of course, i'm trying to find the black heart i seem to be lacking, when did i turn into a souless lackey of the establishment, once upon a time all i wanted to do was change the system, no I am fucking contented to just draw a paycheck from it and no longer care, this organization is draining the little that is left of my cor

I'm wondering what I'm doing at work when all it seems to be is sharing war stories about the other house and Indentifying too much with a client who is on such severe lockdown that it is beginning to recall old memories agian, at least at the other house their was an organization and a structure and a valid reason for the lack of freedoms given the kids ages but when you completely shackle someone based on what makes the organization run the easiet it's starting to play at the cobwebs of my mind, I mean it is very transparent that we are very much a for profit organization and that it's not about the kids it's about the dollar signs that come from warehosuing the kids, No wonder i want out to the point I am am crawling out as much as I can. I have stopped feeling or caring at the house and that scares me because it's not what I got into this feild for. Current Mood: Apathy Some people confuse acceptance with apathy, but there's all the difference in the wo

One has to wonder what the next best course of action is, I feel i am stalled in my current life and i keep looking for ways to escape it but i have to find out whatever's best for me and my child and be able to motivate myself in that direction as I don't see an end or anything left to accomplish left at my current level of employment and to be honest I am bored, there is nothing for me to but become a Nine to five zombie and I need a change from that, i find myself constantly fatigued and I don't feel enough energy for anything. Current Mood: Tired. If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

this is a weird sensation, the lack of drive or feeling for anything, I really think it's time for me to move on but to what and where? I see absolutley nothing at my current employer that entices me to stay with them except a night shift that it's constantly the same over and over agian and i don't feel anything but judged for being difrent and not completely the societal norm they expect me to be, I am an artist and I have other ways of expressing myuself, If i wanted to be trapped in a dead end job for minuimim wage that is going nowhere i could always work at harveys, I'm frustrated and bored and i need something new in my life... Even reaching out to faint hope of the former partner who is merely playing mindgames to get what she wants out of life, I don't care enough to follow her into the abyss either, I am looking for a change too, but i'm doing it for myself not for any chance of reconcilation or any type of hopeless dream. Current Mood: Frustrated. The

It was a good lazy weekend we hung out and saw a movie, he was really into it because it was in 3-d downtown at jackson square, It's interesting to see the way that he interprets the world and even thon there are things that aren't perfect he deals with everything as it is a new day, some of that energy wears out on me, but you know what, that's a good thing, one day when he's all grown up days hanging out at home with 100% of my attention focused on him will be the memories he remebers. Current Mood: Happy. And the people we’ve become, well, they’ve never been the people who we are.

I'm happy, we are just hanging out at home today and going to see Megamind at the movies tonight down at jackson square but it seems that sometimes little things can be fixed by asking him about them and finding out that they are accidents.. sometimes I need to stop overanaylying things and just let whatever's gonna happen, happen, I can't protect him from everything but i can always stride to be the best Daddy I can, always. it was pretty cool last night for him to meet the boys at work too, he was so well behaved and they were as well. Current Mood: Happy. Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

Now you're just being fucking obvious about it, is this the plan, to pull on the heartstrings until I say something, until the cold black parts of my heart melt and a renewed affection is in place for you? I spent years being in love with you and hurting, and Now it's your turn to play the lonely one? I'm sorry you can't turn back the clock and you can't change the way things are, you continue to play fucking mind games with me and I ignore them because realistically the light i had for you burnt out a long time ago.... you want what you can't have at this point because i've grown cold and i just don't care anymore there's a reality you need to face and it's a product of your own decisions and lifestyle, yes i'll always be around, but that's got nothing to do with you or your emotions anymore, only His. Current Mood: Confused. Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it

It's nice to have one of the clients to recently returned from custody ackowledge that in the short time he's know me that he missed me, and considers me family, If i can make a diffrence with him that's all i really need to be fufilled at work, we are trying to do the right things for these kids and to have someone come up to me and have an extended conversation last night like that about it makes a lot of the bueracratic nonsense and the petty politics melt away, I'm still not completely happy at work but little things like this makes some of the animosity of money and bullshit melt away. At least in someone's eyes I am doing the right thing by him so that's all the really makes a diffrence. making a diffrence to one person in this feild is all that really matters to me and the feeling I get when that is acknowleged is awesome. Current Mood: Happy. Success, happiness, peace of mind and fulfillment - the most priceless of human treasures - are available to all

There are so many things going on right now but I am feeling that even tho I am at status quo at work and have been described as a lifer there is really no where i need to go there is no point at contuining on at this place, i don't complete agree with the new house's policies and lassiez faire attutide about the way the clients are treated and the bottom line dollar thing is really bugging me, there kids are supposed to be getting as close to a normal life as they can and it's just not happeneing because of many reasons including quility and contuinity of care, and finacal reasons, i mean when we are talking about a few dollars here and there it can get really frustrating, of course until something or someone better comes along i'm stuck but i'm trying to keep positive because it's a good job and it's easy but i feel it's an entry level position and i have evolved past that at this point in my career. Current Mood: Frustrated. A belief in hell and the k

How ironic is it that in the same month in 2010 i am being pulled away from my job and back into the arms of a waiting loved one who for me the fire has long gone out because of her actions, but she's the nostalgic one when she's simply grown too fucking old for anyone else to ever really want the family and the whole situation agian, maybe I'm old and maybe I'm bitter but entertaining that idea at this late stage in the game after my life has been destroyed over and over agian by this woman, it's always in the fall that she get's lonely and needs someone but i don't see any lasting clarity, it'll always end the same a big fight over something stupid, or her behavior willl get us in trouble and I'll have to get into a fight and be the protective one and then she'll resent it and we'll be done agian, sorry Alice, but this is a trip down the rabbit hole I'm not taking. Current Mood: Tired. Current Music: Animal, Def Leppard. The Red Queen:

it's was awesome to spend last night with my son trick and treating, the fact that both of us had Costumes on made it even better, i pikced up a last minute darth vader costume to go with his Batman costume, he got a real kick out of going trick or treating this year with me so i am going to attempt every year to do the same thing, it's about the little memoruies that get shared and Daddy dressing up like one of his action figures come to life is probaly going to end up pretty high on the list, it is nice to see that we are getting better at this co-parenting thing, I was at the house for the first time in almost 6 years, I really think that things may change in the near future but not on my end, I'm happy here doing what I'm doing If a better idea comes along so be it... but right now I am satisfied. Current Mood: Happy. The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet

Are you seriously fucking kidding me? you want to move to vancouver or victoria with my son and have yours truly tag along because You're fed up with your crappy life here, I hate my life and my job but I'm strong and stubborn to enough to wait for things to get better, you agian acting like a spoiled child, you're probaly single agian and feeling old and realizing there are only two people in this world that will ever love you unconditionally regradless of your bullshit, ones a product of whatever we had and the other is his father. i think you're feeling me out to see if i'm willing to party like it's 2001 agian, here's the thing, I don't know If i love you in a way to sacrfifice everything I am agian, and there's not really any reason for me to change my life, things worked out alright in the end for me and i have some measure of peace here, of course I'd be happier in Windsor but it's because of the two of you but mostly Him i returned to

No more drinking with asshole freinds who owe me money and get stupid when loaded and want to fight everyone and everything, I need to find better coping mechanisms than staring down a bottle every time i have a night off and No little man, at least if i'm going to enjoy myself maybe i should go to a bar where no one knows me and I can relax with my thoughts rather than dealing with assholes who call themselves freinds but are really only there to take advantage of hospitality, No longer do i want to use my hard earned money to entertian these people who would never be there for me if I needed them < i really hate hamilton and am questioning why I remain here, at least in other cities I have good freinds that i have known for years and are loyal to me, what's here? memories? one good freind that i hardly see enoughof because we both have kids? there's not much compelling me to stay in hamilton, it's just a black hole and I don't see a future here... or anywhere.

When one looks back at the fact that he has spent way to much of his life insituionlized and now works for the same organization in a matter that makes it more his home and life than his actual life it's strange and yet not the easiest to understand why one would have the same feeling he had at 15 about wanting Out, Only diffrence is I am the master and commander and controller of my destiny and I am sick of being told what to do, yes I want to make change, Yes I'm not going anywhere in a hurry in terms of the job but there are many many things with my organziation and with the world in general and I should really focus my efforts so that I can deal with these things and not be so deperessed, it's not me that's affecting thse kids and their complete life in total that is anarchy i'm just there as the goddamn gatekeeper it's not like I'm going affect there lives in any way... when it becomes my time to move on I will. I am very sad to have seen this just beco

it's one of those days where I really miss something in my life i am not ready to return to but it's one of those things where I should think about putting pen to paper and laying myself bare, of course instead i'll probaly go indulge in my alcoholism instead and try and erase a memory that never should have been there, I wasn't meant to be there and If i was she was too fucked up for me to understand.. i am a replacement for something else I don't know how to feel, It's seems like my only lasting success in this world is my son and that's a product of both of us. Current Mood: Nostalgic, But i shouldn't be. What we have once enjoyed we can never lose; All that we love deeply, becomes a part of us.

Sometimes I truly despise myself for having learning disabilities and Having a stubborn will, this paper is affecting me with my sleep patterns and how I feel after coming home from work, I'm trying to better myself but Keep getting frustrated over the fact that I don't understand the simplest concepts of theatre, I should have taken something I understood rather than try and fail something i still can't grasp the concept of, It's really frustrating when I know I can do this but I can't unlock the secret in my mind of how exactly to do so. Current Mood: Frustrated. Learning disabilities cannot be cured, but they can be treated successfully and children with LD can go on to live happy, successful lives.

This course is kicking my ass and I'm trying to understand the concepts involved. An actor is something I'll never be, at least maybe tommorow I can take the time and figure out exactly where I'm going with this paper and possibly be able to turn this big ball of fuzz in my head into something productive but working on it tonight is just a waste, I don't have the energy I once did for assignments with everything else going on in my life, I wish things and times were simpler and I could spend an entire night on the net focusing on this but i don't have that kind of time anymore. at least I can spend tonight studying the notes at work. Current Mood: Frustrated, Determined. The same people who never did their homework in high school are still doing that to this very day out in the real world.

I am at a real crossroads at the job and my status as the full time night guy, It is getting clear to me that I am only on the night shift so that someone relibale and long term is on that shift, because let's face it, I'm not going anywhere in a fucking hurry.. It's pretty evident i am carrying the buttload of the workload when certian people are letting the kids do things that are obvuisly counter productive to behavior, I.E. restricted movies to children with fragile Pyches, and then blaming the staff that called them on it when one of the kids has a breakdown over watching the movie, other little things re bothering me there too... it's pretty sad that the Boss is on vacation and the supervisior is leaving which leaves me as the defacto go to guy, and I don't even give a shit...decisions are being made with no accountabilty because I'll come in on the night shift and clean everything up for the next morning. I don't feel supported at the job at all and

Nothing like trying to do homework for the university course i'm taking and having an antiquated peice of junk that i can't even download a fucking lesson plan on.. I'm frustrated and it's not just the course.. behaviors at work keep getting worse and worse and there is no direction, if the kids don't have fucking rules how are we expected to enforce anything, one of these days i gotta figure something out and move on, at least at this house i have supportive staff that are capable of seeing things with clear eyes instead of being so indoctrinated to the bullshit that they are just holding on like me because it's a job, it's time to let the year finish out and have new goals for next year.... speaking of goals, i at least dealt with the big issues swimming around in my head and we will work on things and i don't think that it's as big an issue as it once was.... we spoke, we will watch for behaviors but hopefully she understands my concerns. Current

I don't know how long it took me to finally be fed up with this fucking job and the lack of everything at it, but this morning was one of the fucking worst days yet.. it's pretty sad when i feel that my co-worker's backbite and backstab but when i get a clinet doing the same thing and trying to get rid of me by using office politics and office innuendos to attack me when i'm trying to get him ready for the day.. it's tiring.. i can almost pimpoint the day I lost my passion for this job....I went away to see my freinds and came back recharged and ready to deal with the bullshit and found myself laid off... right now i'm Wishin i had stayed unemployed, i don't feel supported at all, i don't feel I'm making any kind of positive diffrence in these kids lives and I don't feel the situation is going to improve itself. Current Mood: Angry. Every time you get angry, you poison your own system

Sometimes i need to stop listening to the voices and fears in my head and deal with only what i can deal with in the moment.. of course having some back up behind when and if I have to deal with something is always handy and I have a good support circle that includes several professionals that care about us to draw from... It's nice to finally see some support at work too.. even when the kids are being the shits it's good to at least know that I'm doing my job right and trying to get them to do their expectations and having the strong support from my employers, i don't see that nearly enough from them. This has been a trying week due to my own fears and insecurities and the fact that someone is not responding to messages doesn't fucking help, i'm tryin to keep things between me and her but if she continues to ignore my messages i'm going to have to fucking develop this into an argument, but that's ok i hold a trump card... She's expecting child suppo

There comes a time when you simply stop caring and it becomes about the paycheck, I Don't need to be calling in the middle of my sleep cycle and bitched about and harrassed about things that are not in my job description and are more likely based on behaviors i am not responsible for. i leave when the kids leave i shouldn't be bitched at for forgetting to make sure the poor wittle babies didn't flush the toilet... I mean do you want me to go in their and shake it for them? I'm not gonna fucking hold their hand.. I have bigger concerns right now and if 14 and 16 year olds can't do basic behaviors like flushing and cleaning up after themselves what the fuck amI supposed to do about it? Gotta love how it's my reponsibilty tho.. agian no accountabilty here... I'm not sleeping days or night because i'm wondering what the fuck is going on with my son and meanwhile at my job I'm being treated like an indentured servant... yeah we know the last time I felt l

I hope I am just being paranoid but I am seeing signs of something not quite right at home, Destroying toys by pulling off their limbs and hiding them under the covers in the bottom of the bed concerns me greatly... I swear If I find out he is being abused I will fucking lose it. What is the point of being who i am if the other half who i chose to spend my life with only to have her slice my heart out thru my back let's this happen? Go figure, the cycle continues even if I cannot be there to prevent it.. fuck you'd have figured seeing how she knows i was Abused that she would be vigilant about it, but of course not she's too self involved.. we are merely possesions, But If my suspecions are true and It's not all just my fucking head I will annhailate her. I don't like suspicious bruises either. this shit shoudl not be happeneing in my own fucking home... It's time to take the rose coloured glasses off and look around, because something just isn't right... Th

SO anyways, the cursed dark of half of my DNA has apperantly been passed onto my son, I am not happy but I am not going to let the same mistakes made during my upbringing happen to him as long as he has two supportive and involved parents he can handle whatever the diagnosis ends up being, the doctor/school is saying one thing, I supported by a family member think it's something else, esp. when the symptoms of the something else are similar to symptons i had a as a kid and symptoms i still exhibit today... I'm very frustrated that it comes down to nature because no matter what you do to nurture them you just can't get rid of bad DNA. Current Mood: Depressed. The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears.

There is no way i could have continued to work both jobs with having to fully awake at 5 am after maybe if i'm lucky being able to sleep around 2 or 3 am... a short nap plus a daytime sleep isn't enough between the two jobs i'd be looking at 7 hours in total including naps... i don't mind my job but i'm glad i can go back to sleeping days because it's ridiculous to get up at 5 am to wake someone else at 6 that screws around for two hours and is always late.. i don't have the pateince for that kinda nonsense, but of course, absolutley no supprt from anyone because it's not his fault if he's late, it's mine. whatever. weekend off, little boy is visiting time to sleep in... Yeah I know, fat chance. Current Mood: Happy!!! Most people do not consider dawn to be an attractive experience - unless they are still up.

Can't say I am happy at the way things turned out at the kiwanis program but I can't say I care either, obviously someone needed to be a sacrfical lamb and if it's going to keep the program there i'd rather quit then have them force me out because of stupidity and politics, spoke to my boss there about my concerns and the lack of respect for the program and I made a decision with him because i don't see the point of being somewhere I'm not wanted and it is affecting my health, my real full time job that i should be giving 100% to esp. when it's pissing me off and my life, the fact i was sacrificing friday nights with my son agian to work ten extra hours a week made the decision easy... he comes first.. before my carreer, before my goals, before Money before anything.... Helps i just got one of his major Xmas gifts he has asked for and a few bucks in my pocket by going to the local video game store and trading in old games we don't use for new hardware...

..And people are starting to wonder why I don't give a shit about my job anymore, I mean why should I when I am trying to get someone to do the expected routine and he is refusing and then you come in and cut my fucking balls off, no that's all right little boy please go to school late, we won't give you a consquence for being late. No wonder these kids don't fucking respect us. Management allows them to walk all over us even in the new house. And then to hear if this little thing isn't done in terms of cleaning there may not be hours for me anymore? I mean i understand to clean the place but i think the fucking dishes and the garbage baskets can wait till they go to school don't you think? I've already been laid off for no reason once this year.. you wanna take away my ours and/or fire me for not cleaning up because i'm too busy preparing breakfast and lunches for someone who's slacking off and is not taking responibility for himself? I mean who wil