Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I live in the real world. I don't live in the fairytale world where you think you can hurt and destroy people without consquences. Oh no, your not happy and not at peace because of your life and you choices. I'm not going to let you upset my life and my peace. I've tried hard enough and watched you destroy enough of my freindships and relationships. No more. I can't live in your fucking world because it doesn't fucking exist... and you've probaly dragged my child down the rabbit hole with you. I have tried hard enough. I'm done. I hope your illusions keep you warm at night and i hope they will be there to comfort you at the end because there is a very good fuckin chance that i won't be. You can only hurt a man so much with your bullshit. I will walk away and forget your fucking name. It's happened before. I have no fucking qualms about doing it agian. I'm done fighting with you. I'm done entertaining these illusions on your life you take a...

Just because i won't fight with you on your fucking birthday mean you get the fucking right to hurt me and yell at me and make me feel like shit the day after. I will always listen and i will always be there for you. But at this point there are other options in my life and im going to fucking persue them. Be happy with your bullshit freinds, Gossip and all that fucking damage and drama in your life. You're jealous that there isn't any in my fucking life. There is a reason for that. Ive made a fucking choice to prioritize my responsibilities and my people that actually care and love me. I'm not going to allow you to hurt me and twist the knife to hurt me. You created a fight to deflect from your damage and drama and why the fuck i have prioritized this for the last few years. This is a pattern. This is why an end date was chosen. Im going to stick to that. I can't keep doing this on everyone of our significant dates. There has to be an end. No matter how much i care ...

Happy birthday.  Hope you are happy and enjoying yourself. I like that we are civil and communicating but i also think you need to take some introspective time and decide the next step. I want you to be happy whether or not I am a part of your life. And i am trying very hard to be. Today, this weekend. I just want to talk to you, hear you laugh..maybe even see you smile. Thats all i want. For you to enjoy your day and hear happy Birthday from me and my son. Thats all you need..to know you are loved. Happy Birthday Baby. You are always loved. No matter what. Unconditional.

I am burning out here as caregiver and its becoming more and more difficult with outside interests to maintian things as ststus quo. Esp when i have a someone who is good with his world as is even if my life isn't as comfortable. I used to think as long as rent was paid and food was in fridge and his needs were met that could be enough for me but its becoming something that i am being taken advatage for constantly. I have other interests and responsiibilties out there that have to be taken into consideration in the long run and the longer i ignore them the longer i will be miserable and feel trapped in my own situation. I tend to get to a point where ill drop everything and fucking move on. Im seriously getting to that point agian. There is a glitch in the matrix and its not a comfortable level of misery anymore. I can't continue to stay and remain at status quo. I have other interests and things in ny life i could be. I could be elsewhere. This wasn't the expectation in my...

This hasn’t been a good summer. It’s started off bad and continued to be bad all summer. Sone of those choices are mine and some of it is just the usual damage. I was hoping this would be a better year but instead it has all fallen apart. I don’t even know if it’s worthwhile for the next move.  I just want to deal with the things I need to deal with and fade the fuck away to the next move. I don’t even know where I stand and I feel like I’ve hurt a good friend and I need to address some shit in my life or fade the fuck away myself. I feel broken from the events of this summer and I’m not sure the next step.  I can’t always care when others show their behaviours towards me in negative ways. And I can and will walk away from anything that is a fucking threat to my existence. At this point I am burning out and being blamed for something, I need to make some hard and fast decisions and possibly move on for my own mental health. I’ve allowed myself to be in a repeating pattern for ...

The respect level has changed. Certain relationships will be evaluated closely to see where I remain with them. This has been the summer of hell and while I am enjoying myself it is skirting the line of being comfortable and being dangerous. I like being dangerous but I am concerned that I am only a fair weather freind to people that continually use me for their own agendas. And others that just use me for their own amusement.  I don’t need to be any ones life that doesn’t respect me or treats me like an acquaintance most of the time. I get really frustrated when my words fall on deaf ears. No one listens to me. So I’m supposed to do everything? Not when people don’t listen or bother with me.  It hurts that a trusted freind has treated me like a peon this month. And it shows how our lives are diverging. It’s frustrating that he has made promises he doesn’t follow thru on. However I am used to it. Everyone disappoints me eventually. It comes as no surprise that I’m much lower o...