Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I guess this is finally the moment I let go. There is no point chasing dragons anymore. Illusions and the unreality need to finally come to an end. It doesnt matter who is or isn't in my life because at the end of the day he isn't. And thats what's important and why I always try. But he's an adult he can make his own decisions. I'll never truly walk away not really, but I am picking and choosing my moments for me now. There cant be any more trying I cannot afford it and I dont want to keep running into the same brick walls. I have a good life and I have adventures and do my own thing. I dont need to worry about others who disregard me when it doesnt suit her agenda. Im gonna look at where my options lie in the new year and stop holding myself back from new experiences and taking new chances but I'm done chasing the albatross. Its been around my neck long enough. You placed it there... I'm removing it. I need to be free. I need my life to be what ...

I dont know what the next option is. However I do know that its nice to have options in my life that make me happy. I'm going to live in the moment and see what the world brings me. No expectations but no world changing movements that are under appreciated either. If this is the path im set on so be it... if it changes im good with that. Both paths lead to struggle But both paths also lead to happiness. And I'm willing to change or be status quo. Im happy in my life and I have good people around. No drama. I think it may continue on that path. I live my life in moments both good abd bad. That's what I have because I dont know how many I have left. The last few moments have been an eye opener.  That should say it all. I'm going to choose happiness at the end. But it'll be on my terms as it always is.  No one elses. No one has ever been there to save me... why should I be classified as savior. I'd rather be with someone who makes me happy without drama. All loo...

This was the last chance. And the last Dance. Im going to move on now. Its obvious that Im just a distraction when shes lonely. Fuck that noise. I have people who actually love me in this life that want my presence in my life and my company. Im gonna focus on them. Its time to move on from a fairytale that was never going to ever fucking come true. You have nothing to offer me anymore and I think tonight was the last moment I had to offer.  Live by your actions, not by your words and honestly im reading your actions and false promises over and over agian and its always the same result and answer. I have other options. I'm thinking im gonna give all my energy to said options. Down this road only leads disappointment.

I do things that make me happy and create memories. Things may change in mu life significantly in quick succession or I may be status quo for a long time... either way I plan to be happy and have adventures as long as I can. That's who I need to be. That's where I am happiest. In moments. I like who I am. I like what my life is no. I don't need a partner to define who I am. Neither does she. We have separate lives but we are in each other's orbit. However, no one threatens her, much less my son. And one would do well to keep in mind that fact, as well as the fact that I constantly enter the pit to throw around and slam dance with guys that are half my age. Im still doing it because its one way to assist with emotions. Emotions that are currently bubbling over. And not in a positive way. I will deal with both positive and negative emotions when I have to. The angry music scene helps me deal with that. When my world is a maelstrom going to a pit helps get some of those em...

Part of me having peace in my life is you having peace in yours. I'm not happy right now that it seems like this is something you no longer have. When it seems like the only thing in this life that can give you peace is me, maybe it's time to explore that possibility. Always being there for you is a curse. I know why I do it and why that phone call will never be unanswered no matter the time of fucking day. Going to sleep angry because I feel helpless and not sleeping and then waking up still angry isn't helping you, him or I at all. We need to make some changes. It might be time for me to be proactive on some of them rather than waiting for something to happen. There is a reason I will never allow you to save me. The first being that I don't need saving. My destiny is my own and you're help gives you more control than I'm willing to concede to you. The second is I'm the knight in tainted armor that should be saving you. This is how I was raised. The hero sa...

I don't know the next step anymore. There are things in my world that aren't making any fucking sense  both here and elsewhere and my patience level is extremely fucking low. There is an option and an escape mechanism.  I know what's being offered and what's being given to me in this life are two different things and that the reality is that I'm only going to be status quo and more and more miserable the longer it continues. I need a new life. I shouldn't be nostalgic for miserable moments in my life, but even in my misery those moments I seemed to have both more and more things to do... now I just sit and do nothing and there is the same repetitive bullshit every day with no change. Is there daylight? Or is it just fucking darkness. 5 years of nothingness today isn't helping either. I'm sick of being the reasonable and responsible one when I have fucking lost everything. Why do I still have to be here? I accept my responsibilities all of th...