Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It will never be this easy or this simple. I am a fool to belive that it ever could be. I am simply the constant and the albatross we all must carry remains. I revel in being the shadow threat because I know what there is to protect and those things and people that should be forgot, but there is someone of value that shall never be forgot. I need to honor that. I need to honor a promise to her. I need to stand atop this hill and pretend like all is status quo, forever waiting for a moment that may never come. I can fucking deal with the end that never comes, because its mot my end and as long as the two of us exist in this never ending downward spiral, it will not end. It fucking sucks that I have to be the silent threat that brings the two people in this world comfort. I have always know that i am the weapon and rock fucking wall when and if I am needed. A Silent Partner, sadly I feel like one day all that will be left is for me to be the avenger, on that day my soul will truly die a...

I choose to be happy, I choose to have whoever is in my life sharing my adventures. Hopefully that part continues and I can share the people i care about most in this life, family and freinds all in further adventures together. I'm trying. Thats all I can do. I play by my own rules and I don't answer to anyone but myself. I'm loved and respected for the same reasons I am feared. I am ok with that. I simply get to Be. And enjoy myself. I'm also ok with that. If my life stays status quo im good with that, if things change im also good with that. If thats where my life leads, I am finally.ok with that.  But I will always hope for more and what's missing to also be there.

A hero will sacrifice the person they love to save the world, but a villain will sacrifice the world to save the person they love. I am sick of living other people's lives for them while I just sit here and watch my own and the things I prioritize pass me.bye because of peomises and doing the right thing. I've always done the right thing for someone else. Ive always tried to be the fine and upstanding perfect gentleman that I was never raised to be. When does it become too much? When do I realize that life has passed me by because of other people's expectations of what should abd shouldn't be.  Its infected another generation, and I have to wonder do I allow myself to take the fucking hit or have my son affected. My decisions are mine, I sleep just fine at night. I have no regrets in my life. I'm not sure that many in this life, and particularly on my life can say the same.. if you can, im not in a glass house, im in a fragile tower of ruins, but here cast the first...

 Yesterday, everything changed. Its a new chapter. 15 years to get this far. Sometimes its worth it. All I know is unconditional love is aways worth it.

  I'm done with fucking fake freinds and convention drama. More than willing to.walk away when I feel like im being used or being stabbed in the back by people who have been on my radar for a decade but have never contributed anything of substance to my life. Esp. The ones that have never contributed anything in iver and decade and are connected to a memory of a former freind id rather fucking forget. It was a cool moment but at this fucking point. If you are not with me you are agianst me and everyone right now feels like they are agianst me in the scene. Thats fine. I'm used to being hated. I dont give a damn. You don't affect me or my personal life. I said id stop when it stopped being fun. Some things have a shelf life. Every thing has its limits. I just need mine to evolve. I think it has naturally. But it may be time for Dumbledore to be done very soon. And when it completely stops being fun otherwise it'll completely be done. Never had any issues walking away, ...

  At this point i am choosing the devil I know and it being complicated over people that clearly only need me when they need or want something. When I look over the ruins if my life there is only one constant. And while we are damaged and I shoukd have walked away completely shes never really taken advantage of me or asked me for anything up to and including child support, so maybe I really need to consider what happens next. My life doesnt reach that far to her world, but maybe soon I can let her into my world some more.  Not sure tje next step but I'm definitely starting to consider that some of these temporary people in my life just aren't going to be there while she is. There is a distinction there. One thats always been. Shes chosen to be connected to me for the rest of our lives. Thats big. This last year I've lost enough supposed ride or die freinds I'm starting to actually consider who will be there at the end. She's always a consideration. But I'm done...