Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

This was the last chance. And the last Dance. Im going to move on now. Its obvious that Im just a distraction when shes lonely. Fuck that noise. I have people who actually love me in this life that want my presence in my life and my company. Im gonna focus on them. Its time to move on from a fairytale that was never going to ever fucking come true. You have nothing to offer me anymore and I think tonight was the last moment I had to offer.  Live by your actions, not by your words and honestly im reading your actions and false promises over and over agian and its always the same result and answer. I have other options. I'm thinking im gonna give all my energy to said options. Down this road only leads disappointment.

I do things that make me happy and create memories. Things may change in mu life significantly in quick succession or I may be status quo for a long time... either way I plan to be happy and have adventures as long as I can. That's who I need to be. That's where I am happiest. In moments. I like who I am. I like what my life is no. I don't need a partner to define who I am. Neither does she. We have separate lives but we are in each other's orbit. However, no one threatens her, much less my son. And one would do well to keep in mind that fact, as well as the fact that I constantly enter the pit to throw around and slam dance with guys that are half my age. Im still doing it because its one way to assist with emotions. Emotions that are currently bubbling over. And not in a positive way. I will deal with both positive and negative emotions when I have to. The angry music scene helps me deal with that. When my world is a maelstrom going to a pit helps get some of those em...

Part of me having peace in my life is you having peace in yours. I'm not happy right now that it seems like this is something you no longer have. When it seems like the only thing in this life that can give you peace is me, maybe it's time to explore that possibility. Always being there for you is a curse. I know why I do it and why that phone call will never be unanswered no matter the time of fucking day. Going to sleep angry because I feel helpless and not sleeping and then waking up still angry isn't helping you, him or I at all. We need to make some changes. It might be time for me to be proactive on some of them rather than waiting for something to happen. There is a reason I will never allow you to save me. The first being that I don't need saving. My destiny is my own and you're help gives you more control than I'm willing to concede to you. The second is I'm the knight in tainted armor that should be saving you. This is how I was raised. The hero sa...

I don't know the next step anymore. There are things in my world that aren't making any fucking sense  both here and elsewhere and my patience level is extremely fucking low. There is an option and an escape mechanism.  I know what's being offered and what's being given to me in this life are two different things and that the reality is that I'm only going to be status quo and more and more miserable the longer it continues. I need a new life. I shouldn't be nostalgic for miserable moments in my life, but even in my misery those moments I seemed to have both more and more things to do... now I just sit and do nothing and there is the same repetitive bullshit every day with no change. Is there daylight? Or is it just fucking darkness. 5 years of nothingness today isn't helping either. I'm sick of being the reasonable and responsible one when I have fucking lost everything. Why do I still have to be here? I accept my responsibilities all of th...

I am having fun on my life and there is nothing needed in my life except the things I am working on both within and without. The fact I am almost 50 doing awesome and crazy things like jumping off stage with one of my favorite bands says it all. I spent way too much time in my life caring what others thought. I'm way more cooler and way more at peace doing my own thing. If I find some added peace soon so be it, but I'm good with things the way they are. I'm gonna live a good life, it will be one you can base a movie on. I'm gonna keep doing things and amusing myself as.creating epic moments. That's where I stand with everyone and everything in this life. I'd like certain people at my side but I'm also good with the people that are and I'm always gonna have with it. Why else would I want to live this life. I'm middle aged and crazy and I plan on staying that way. I'm happier than I've been in year and more importantly more at peace. Nothing wi...

  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...