Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Nothing fucking changes. We go from crisis to crisis. All I know is that someone who isn't kin to me has no reason to be treating his little sister and nephew the way he does. I am going to marry that girl finally. I dont know when I dont know how but there is no reason this constant fuckin lack of respect and this cycle of abuse and enabling needs to continue. You've never respected her. And i do. She and that little boy are my world. We are just complicated. Im trying to uncomplicate it. There was a reason family engagements were kept at arms length because I saw 20 years ago you didnt respect her, I know that you never fucking respected me. I dont care if you respect me, I know you fear me thats enough. All I want her to have is the peace I'm currently seeking. If i Need to be Mr. Mayhem to achieve that i have no issues doing so. No fucks given. I am scary. I am a mentally ill loner that society has rejected. I stand apart and I am not fucking afraid of anyone. Includin...

Things are starting to make a little more sense now. I am looking for peace but I also know what the last stop at the station leads to. I have no doubt of that. And I have no regrets about constantly extending the olive branch. It will always happen.  I see my future in your eyes. I always have. I still do. And he stands beside  you now. We need to think about somewhere else. Im not sure long term what the solution is. I know that every root we have is poisoned or ruins. I want you safe and free from drama. I always have. I will always be here. I will always be waiting. I want you to make a decision by the time im 50 but we have time still. I love you. Always. I know where I stand in our last moments already. I just want the moments in between. Those are the important ones.  We have given so many up. There are precious few we could have back. My life doesnt lead to you. You have to come to mind. We need to fix things or figure things out on our own terms. Not the wor...

I have enough fucking misery in my personal life. I dont need anyone more distractions from other parties. I walked away from them for a reason. I don't do angry or revenge for a reason. I'm busy taking care of things that need to be done while I am not entirely happy on a daily basis. All my life is all it has ever been is moments. Zero for anything else. The fact that someone took advantage of me in a moment where I wanted out of situation that just annoyed the fuck out of me and was ending anyways is irrelevant. I saw the writing on the wall and how much of a black hole your life was and how much you wanted to drag me into it. I divorced myself from tbe situation. Never forget I know you fucked over one of my oldest freinds from my old neighborhood. There are other reasons other than the obvious that you are forgotten. You just dont exist to me. Unless you make it a reality that you want to be existant.  Its probaly not in your best interests.

These are my Happy Moments. These are when I get to pretend my life is normal snd I am still free. Not brought down by the last 30 years of being an adult and responsibilities. Im going to have fun. I may be stuck in hamilton because of responsibilities both here and Niagara. But I am not bound by them. There are reasons much of my social circle are elsewhere and why I prefer to go elsewhere to have fun. I have options, I could be elsewhere. Alberta, Vancouver, Toronto even Windsor. I choose to stay for the moment. But I could move on and never look back. I have a good life and good freinds. But I also have enemies. At least some of them i dont sweat because they are cowards that would never say word one to my face. But I do care because an attack on me is a possible threat to those that I love. But I'm not the only one with loved ones, and while I'm at peace with my life and my place in it. I 100% still know how to wage a war. If i have to defend myself I will. I am fucking si...

I choose me. I am happy and my world isn't miserable. I do things. Alone as usual. But on my terms. There are no strings on me and no one weighing me down. Its better that way. I was never meant for anyone long term. I can barely take care of myself and my responsibilities. And of those I have had plenty. Its just the landscape kept changing and I adapted every single time. Now im sick of adapting. I am living life on my terms and my terms alone. Fit in or fuck off. I don't need anyone in my life that doesnt want to be there, drags me down or simply is adjecent. I have plenty of freinds. Most of them are arms length for a reason. You dont want to be simply in orbit and adjecent to me. Im fine and happy being a lone wolf. Always have been. I walk and go wherever I want. And I intimidate people randomly. I'm fine with being that in my personal life too.

Nothing ever changes. Sadly my world has a reality that I will watch someone I care about enable someone forever because thats how she has been raised to be accountable to be her brothers keeper. I have to stay in orbit because my son is her child and I know how easily it is to fall into the fucking pit of addictions. Therevis dust on bottle here because outside of social drinking I choose not to fucking drink at home. I have the ability and the means to be in a constant state of intoxication but I also know what that has cost us all so I choose not to. Others choose something else. Somehow I'm the one with a happy and stable life.  I'm a statistic, this isn't how its supposed to fucking end for me. I shouldn't have a family as fractured as it is, and I'm probaly years past my expiration date. But I endure. And I do it because its about more than me. But I could very easily look into the bottom of that bottle and live there. Nothing in my fucking life pr...