Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's amazing how one person with a careless and negative attitude and energy can drain 24 hours of positiveity from a person... i had an amazing shift only to have it taken away from me as i was walking out the door by the actions of others. It's not a surprise anymore to me why i dread working with this person. i don't feel respected or appreciated by this person and i don't understand why? of course then agian i don't go out of my way to be freindly to him either. i may have scored a brownie point with my actions on the way out the door however... one thing to remeber... emphasize the TEAM. it's just don't like seeing a dark cloud ruining mine and others mornings.. I can understand the way things are with the attitudes swirling the bowl around me.. and anger and frustrations are only effective in the heat of the moment.. much better to let people that are in charge know how you feel and what you are dealing with. Current Mood: Hot. The majority of men meet

Is it just me or are we having one of those weeks were nothing really seems to matter... i'm just wandering through the world waiting for friday without any answers... i have no illsuions anymore to shatter and other than sitting around watching CNN i really cannot find anything to inspire me. anger is a better emotion than apathy but right now i can't even feel that. nothing inspires me.. i'm just waiting for the next step whatever that ends up being... maybe i should start reading about philosphy and religon and adapt to some of my other interests...whjen one loses sight of what he's fighting for and becomes complacent that crusade is lost. Current Mood: blank.

One is still trying to Refocus into an angrier and less open person as this is what i feel is currently needed in my life... all this happiness and forgiveness and being at peace with myself isn't what is needed in my life right now... esp. when dealing with personal issues and my employment... it's time to be the battle scarred wounded angry hardass i was 10 years ago... compassion is for weaklings. Current Mood: Bitter. Current Music: Hendrix: all along the watchtower. Tell me about the loneliess of good. Is it equal to the loneliness of evil?

One is beginning to wonder when ethical concerns start to trump the need for a job and a paycheck. I also need to have my head reexamined and get more aggressive as i am not planning on having another hell saturday like this last weekend. I get the need to be accountable for everything but i am sick of going home upset, deprerssed and pissed off because i am bootstrapped by a rule that says you can't do something for property damage. next time i'll just do it and face the music if it is a bad call. Sometimes a little intimidation and agreesiveness can be a good thing. Time to put on my Mean face. Current mood: frustrated. You see in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig.

I need to figure out how to do something with this life instead of sitting around and expecting the world to change around me. my frustrations are becoming more evident the more time i sit around just to decide to do nothing for the remainder of the night... as much as i am waiting for change i need to make it happen myself or it won't. i am apatehtic and confronted by boredom so i don't even bother doing anything for hours.... Current Mood: Bored.

One does like the fact he has to go crawling back to the goverment to encounter further red tape.. guess one must find a real job and leave this mickey mouse operation behind eventually. nothing like having some moron from service canada speaking to me like i'm an idiot when i have clearely spelled out my mothers maiden name for you 3 times... No Wonder this Country is going to hell.. fucking stupid goverment... I'm loving it. Current mood: Militant.

It's fun how one can just watch the days past by when you get a moment of time when absolutley nothing is happening... esp. when one is at peace with himself, given my turburlence on friday having a few days off is a godsend and having ways to negate negative feelings and agression is an ever more positive thing... nothing like banging away on a blue guitar to make the world feel like another time and another place.. for a few hours everynight all the worlds bullshit goes away. and then you just sleep the next day away. Current mood: At peace. I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Old behaviors die hard and sometimes disapeering into the community of stupidity and making a little bank to pay bills, have a few beers and smoke a little something soimething is a good stress reliver. it's too bad i have only had a number of fridays or saturdays to go out recently.. i'm glad i went busking into hess village tonight... it reminded of who I used to be and where i was happiest.. i make that happen, not a woman, not a job. for the most part that happiness had been replaced by another happiness with the little one, but when it's summer and i have a negotable shedule with everything it's probaly not a bad idea if i continue to use this as a stress reliver if i have an evening free... esp if i also have the morning free. pretty girls, an audience for my music and lyrics and something to do instead of sitting at home playing xbox. it was an awesome night. Current Music: Should I Stay or Should I Go? The Clash Current Mood: Fucking Happy. Never compromise. No

Yup, i can go on a little vacation and then get stranded without anyone on call and left to deal with an entire weeks fallout of bullshit i wasn't told about... i'm not impressed. i am frustrated by the politics but even frustrated more by the fact that I am left to make my own decisions and trusted to do so.. but the first phone call in the morning is a phone call second guessing those same decisions that i have been trusted to make. i am starting to wonder where the line between my ethics and my finalacal needs has to be drawn. i should not be leaving angry after an awesome week of doing nothing but hanging out beside the pool while little man is in the wading pool and playing in the house. i was in a very positive mood going into work. I am wondering why that changes, i'm not holding grudges agianst the client but i am starting to wonder why i am there if every action is going to be second guessed by my supervisior when he wasn't availible when hes the one that suppo

So we really are building and cleaning today, Grandma came by and brought us some shelves to build to put our stuff on. which was cool... it's nice when someone wakes up after I do. little sleeping beuties are handy... it's too bad i had to give up a shift at work but i am not going to parcel him off to a babysitter or send him home early because i have to work.. i can't take the shift and i called and told them why, so it's sucks cuz i eat a few bucks but it's my little boy and that's more important. Current Mood: Happy.

Getting things done around the house. the bed is together and we are building roads out of old vhs and i am going thru stuff so i can have an online garage sale on kijiji. i'm pretty happy with his behavior he is playing a bob the bulder PC game on the computer next to me. this week is going to be amazing even if we do hang around the house watching treehouse till 2:30 on tuesday... but that's ok.. it's a new thing at daddys right? current mood: happier than i have been in a while.

Some days it's good to a Be a Child and youth worker... took one of my kids to camp and had a good night... looking forward to the week off. Current Mood: Very Positive.

Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing. Things are still not as shitty as i felt they were the other day but everything isn't positive either.. there are still some serious frustrations to deal with at work and with other people but i'm gonna take the negative of not having work and turn it into a positive which likely means i wont be online much next week as i will be busy hanging out at the wading pool with the boy. i am happy with my new apartment and trying to keep a roof over my head where everything ends up and where this leads we will see. for now i'm just going to enjoy my summer. Current Mood: Tired. Current Music: 21 Guns, Green Day.

Ah this fucking Day just keeps getting better and better... tell me agian why i am employed and why I want to be a goddamn bleeding heart when the knife is going back and forth into the back.. it's not enough that my fucking child is losing out on a visit today because the pay isn't in yet... there's a good likely hood we won't even get paid today... glad i did not even bother to entertian the thought of going to niagara this morning... that would have ended up as a big ball of failure...i may starve myself waiting on a paycheque but i will never do the same thing to my son.. i am really thinking it is time to reacess priorities.. esp at work... It is unerving to be sacrificing time with my child for the oppurtuinty to help raise other flawed children due to abuse for less than a decent wage.. when i don't feel anything but used lately at work and that was when i was getting shifts and my pay on time... like what the fuck? Bills can't wait.. what the fuck makes

SO anyways... i am wondering what the hell is going on in my life agian.. i am finding things are agian becoming anarchy in my personal and professional lives? what the fuck is with having my shifts cut back to nothing.. fuck lay me off already... at least that way i'd have to go get EI instead of begging on my hands and knees to the fucking goverment.. i'm in love with that... please help me pay the rent so i can afford to go to work... and of course.. if not i'm homeless when i finally found something i can stay at long term with just enough room. One however must wait and expect the other shoe to drop at the same time however, St.Catherines isn't answering, i'm glad i'm not there in person but i'd like to be able to discuss options with all this goddamn freetime off esp. with the fact that the cottage may or may not be a possibilty if things pick up at work.. at this point...i can't afford to take a vacation.. so we will see if we go this year... mayb

Yeah adpating to a new neighboorhood and a new apartment agian... so i am redicovering the simple joys of spending way too much fucking time playing Halo and dead or alive 2... there's not much else to do until i get everything unpacked.. my vcr died i'm not happy about that.. Current Mood: Blah.

the move is done... minus the bullshit summer rain and the odds and ends at the old house i am happy... now is time to move on and start becoming less involved in the lives of the fucking people who have let me down in the last few days... it's nice to have people you can count on...and it's even nicer to know the fucking cunts that say they will be there for you, help you, etc... and then don't show... Current Mood: Exhausted.