Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Once agian, I am sitting here waiting for my life to resume. This was a lot easier in prison because at least then I had a set date to look forward to the day my life would fucking resume and be the clusterfuck it currently is... I don't know my next step because I'm waiting for this damn virus to be over. I have choices and I have decisions to make... And all I am seeing lately is that there is a distinct possibility I will end up going somewhere in the wrong direction. Left alone with my thoughts I end up going to dark roads in the past that comfort me, and while I know all that is back there is darkness and pain, I also know that in my dark places there is nothing to fear.. and I can safely hide inside my mind until the next evolution... But I am feeling nostalgic for someone who didn't care half as much as I do now and had absolutely nothing to fucking lose... ...A passed life. It's not the one I have now, it's not the one I want. But I could be comf

I have trust issues and a bad attitude... But at the end of the day I know those are the things  that fucking protect me from the world and keep the demons at bay. I dont give a fuck about a lot on some days and I just hide behind depression and simply do not function. The games of the last year have not made this day any easier on my hollow fucking heart. It's just another moment lost to me and my son. I do care, I will always care but I don't give a damn about other people when my heart is broken on a day that is supposed to be my day to spend with him, instead I have fucking nothing. No wonder I have seriously distanced myself from people over the past few years... I have nothing left to give anyone. I'm trying to be happy and functional and get things done in my life, but there are days where I just shut down and simply want to fade away. Happy Father's Day son. I miss you.

I stopped caring about a lot of things a long time ago. I let people fade in and out of my life because all they do is play fucking games. I'm gonna do what I need to and what's best for me and never fucking look back not anymore. This inside shit is driving me insane and I need a break from those locally I surround myself with. I honestly at some point soon need to realistically look at another fresh start somewhere that is home but somewhere that is not here. Too many memories and attachments tie me to a place that I one hundred percent no longer hold any affection for... Or the people in my back pages. I'm broken here... I need to be elsewhere Soon. You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.

I had a set path, even after all this shit I thought I knew where the hell I was going with the rest of my life. Between the stuff going on my head and in my life and this goddamn pandemic I don't know anymore. I will have been inside longer than I was last winter after this month and its playing on my fucking mind. I'm torn in so many fucking directions right now and so many other people's fucking interests and never mine. that's always been my life.. what's good for other people and never my own. I'm always an afterthought or a fucking expectation that I can't live up to. I'm gonna do my own fucking thing and make my own fucking choices always. I hate being on pause because the world has stopped. I'm trying to improve my life so I have a fucking future instead of constantly just adding chapter to a past filled of broken memories. I don't fucking look back because there's nothing there. And I don't just burn bridges... I dr