Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I am happy. I have good friends and a decent life. I get to do amazing things and I don’t always have to do them with selfish people that only think of themselves. Just remember, friend, if I get fucking distant, there is a reason for that. I have a decent life, and I do what I want the same as I always have. But I don’t forget or forgive betrayal easily. Just because you’ve been a constant in my life, doesn’t mean you can or will be there tomorrow.  There are people in my life that have always had my back and will continue to so… and I have amazing times… and there are friends and family that feel like an albatross around my neck. If my complicate my life or those I care about, it will be like you never even existed. No photographs, no memories. Nothing. I’d rather have fun with actual friends and people who don’t have a hidden agenda or simply use me as a fair weather friend to whatever end. I’m too old for that shit.  I’m either having fun with you or I’m going to the show alone,

  I am stuck in the moment that you left me, when you and I and him were a happy little family, I woke up one morning and you smashed all that away, and you expected me to live with it. And now after a lifetime of regret you want that back but only on your terms… that’s fine. I’ll wait for you as always. You’ll invite me home one day, I have no use or need to kick that door open until you’re ready. I know where I stand with you in this life. It’s you that needs to decide where we stand. I’ll always be here, waiting.  Midnight Phone calls till the end of my life… you’ll always be my albatross, the one that got away. The one that won’t let go. You know where I stand, you know who I am. The only question left is when and where are you ever going to be ready? And the morning after will I still be there or will you have pushed me away agian. There are reasons I’m always going to be here, and why I am in the drivers seat in whatever relationship we ever have agian.  Even if I don’t like you

I’m done fighting. No one will ever make me Pick up my sword agian. Unless they hurt you or my son. But otherwise my wars are done, even my wars with you. Im sick of you using my emotions against me, why do you think I weaponized your last emotion you had left against you, that little piece of glass you keep begging to see but I have never placed in your hand for a reason, you really think that you have any control? The ring exists because it gives me control of the situation. When will you realize that. I don’t have to fight, and I don’t have to back down. I did what was right for as long as I had to. It’s twilight now, I’m enjoying my life and enjoying my interests and my life. You can join me or be cast aside, honestly it makes no difference. The sad thing is that I know every phone call you make always has an agenda. You and I both know what that agenda is. You want me involved you know what the price of that involvement is, I make no bones about that.  But I know what you need and

I don’t do things half ways. I’m learning a lesson very quickly lately that I can’t do plans for someone I care about if there is another selfish person involved. There is a reason my usual dance partner isn’t coming to Windsor and it will be a long fucking time till I have the faith in him to bother with the convention circuit or anything that only interests him at his leisure. Do I enjoy my friends company? Yes? Do I like paying for things with the expectation things are returned in kind? Fuck No. and I’m carrying the bulk of that the last month. It may be a long fucking while before I’m willing to do something like that again. It’s a respect thing and it’s the fact that I do things based on mutual respect when I can, and I can’t always but there is a pattern here of being taken advantage of and used as a fucking afterthought. I’m just fine doing my own thing. I have other freinds I can socialize with. I don’t need the idiot with a silver spoon making false promises and fucking me an

This has always been about me and you, and your fucking choices. You want control and I won’t allow it so you put it back on me, you can’t control an agent of chaos. I’m always going to be that. If I’m going to be true to my fucking nature, I don’t let anyone fuckin control me. You want my love you have that, but don’t ever expect me to give you control. That’s not a fucking reality. No one controls a wild beast and I refuse to believe at this late stage that I am anything more than a feral creature lost alone in the wilderness. You had the chance to tame this wild heart 2 decades ago, the time for that is done. Accept me as I am now or fuck the fuck right off. This is me stripped to the bone, this is who I am, this is the monster you have created. I’d rather be this than any other version of me. This version of me is always going to be the strongest, of the strong.  I don’t need anyone and there bullshit emotional games. Especially when it’s the one who needs me and the reality I repr

People and things change. This is a new adventure and I’m bound to make new freinds and enemies along the way. And old freinds and enemies are going to be jealous. That being said, do I look like I give a fuck? I have real world issues and concerns. This is something I’m doing for fun and to make things in this world a little easier for me. When the weight of the world is on your back, please come and cast the first stone… But here’s one thing everyone needs to know. I don’t give a fuck. Beginning and end I do this to benefit me and only me. There is always a reason and always an agenda.  Period. I don’t work for free and I don’t have the patience for false promises esp when I have things that are more important that playing dress up. It’s not about that. It’s about enjoying myself and doing things. And the person that I am tied at the hip with being able to do things…. Those I care about are just as important to me as myself. And screwing me for the things he enjoys is frustrating. I

I think I like being busy with my life and ignoring you. As we learned last weekend there is simply no reason in my life for drama and bullshit, I don’t tolerate anyone else’s. I barely tolerate yours. I have things and people I love and like doing and that’s not going to change. I can always deal with being miserable outside of an environment which I enjoy with people who have no expectations and are just there for music. This has always been my escape. When I want to escape the world I go to a show. That’s where I stand now… I do things to escape the reality of my everyday life, because everyday life is boring. I don’t need my real issues in my life everyday, and the heart break that follows. I live my life at one speed. Go. And I never look back.

I don’t do drama and your not going to manipulate situations or manipulate me. The fact that there were games from both sides that placed me in the crosshairs and there were issues in terms of payment this week. I don’t care if there was a pretty box wrapped in a bow. I’ve been asked to do something cool and it’s a new adventure and I’m having fun with it. But I remeber why I walked away in the first place and anything that threatens my mental health means that I can and will bail easily on this bullshit agian. When there are issues on both sides and I’m starting to see who was manipulating situations on both sides and trying to draw me into something I knew absolutely nothing about is a fucking piss off. If and when it ever affects my well being or my ability to take care of my current responsibilities at home and elsewhere. I will be done again. This is supposed to be fun. I shouldn’t be angry. I shouldn’t have a bad taste in my mouth. But people tend to show true colours when they h

My world ended a very long time ago. I’m just reanimating the corpse now. Everything that has ever been important to me in this life is broken in someway or another. The concerts and events are just an escape now. It reminds me of a life I once had before I forced myself to grow up and be a fucking asshole… err… I mean adult. I’d rather be that guy that didn’t care, I’d rather live for today and do the things that make me happy with my life long freinds that have been there thru a lot of this shit… The rest of you, we know only one of the estranged is ride or die… and even then her allegeninces at the end are questionable. No one else that says they are gonna hang are around.  I’m gonna party tonight and have a good happy time, because that’s the fucking plan. That’s the way things are now. It’s funny that the fact I’m less materialistic and less about chasing dreams that turned to Knightmare, has led to a greater freedom. I’ve done everything I ever needed to do. I know I’m a good per

Fuck trying for anyone else anymore. I’m going to get busy doing for me. I am happy and at peace. It’s time for me to celebrate and have some fucking fun with my life. I’m gonna hang with my freinds and see a Favorite band. And remeber a fucking time when I was cool and lived for today and didn’t give a fuck about responsibilities and the future because I was fucking seventeen and eighteen  on the Toronto Queen street strip and I didn’t care about the future because I didn’t fucking have one. For fucks sake I didn’t have a place to stay.  But I hung out with bands and groupies and did my own thing, and I had lots of fun doing it. I haven’t felt this positive about doing something for my birthday since my 24th at Casadora, and that was an entirely diffrent animal… and it’s where I should fucking be. But I’m not, that’s where Life took us… so I’m gonna live my life the way I always have.  No fucks given.  I think you’ve forgotten, I don’t care if I die tomorrow, as long as I leave a good

  It’s been 4 years. It’s been 23 years. Nothing has changed. I’m starting to believe that nothing ever will. I doubt that you keep me in orbit for any possible reason other than you need me, but I hope that it’s more than that. I have hopes and I will try, I always try. But there’s a moment that hasn’t happened yet. And there’s a reason for that as well. I’m not there tonight. I want to be, that’s the saddest part. Just to see if you would show or at least drive by. But pride says otherwise, and I know my motherfucking worth.  But there will always be Love underneath it all. You’ll know where to find me, but it won’t be in your city, it’ll be in mine. This year I’m making a choice, I want to see if you’ll respond. I doubt it. But I’m not going down there. It’s not going to be in my pocket, not yet. 

I am happy, I do things. I have enough friend’s in the music community here that I don’t need anyone to be my second beside me when I’m at a show. I’ll just find new dumb friend’s or hang out with people I know. I’d rather have fun on my own doing the things I like rather than be beholden to anyones ideals of who the fuck I should be. I take care of myself and my responsibilities first. It’s the reason I didn’t get a shirt tonight.  But I’m going to do the things I want to do, and you’re going to find me in the pit or on the barrier. No fucks given. I may be getting older but I’m not slowing down at all. I’d rather live and be happy and have fun than sit around and chase unwanted illusions and dreams of someone else. I’ve lived most of my dreams. Now it’s just time to enjoy the rest of my life.  I’m done waiting on anyone. This week and the expected silence will prove that.  Current Mood: Happy. If you don't live for something you'll die for nothing.

I know who I am, I am the light to your darkness. You see what you want to in your eyes, but in everyone else’s even tho all the trials and tribulations in my life I still prove that my actions speak louder you’re words. My life may suck… but I do things that matter, I take care of someone else even tho there are days I hate it.. but I’ll chose to be a noble demon and the monster any day, if it means not being like you for one fucking second.I may be broken, I may be flawed like you, but I’m not hiding behind it. Not the way you are. I accept what I am and live my life the best way I can, and I do things for those that matter in my life. Not just who I think is a responsibility. I know no one will be there to catch me when I fall. No one ever has been. That’s the way things are. I don’t care. I’ve always been a little self destructive. It’s easier to manage in the wilderness alone. I’d rather be you’re enemy, you’re devil anyways. You’re continued silence just reaffirms that. The devil