Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It’s interesting how two people so alike that are one hundred percent twisted soulmates can both love and hate each other in one emotion. We share the same beliefs sometimes and outlook on the world. And I’ll always here to defend and protect you, but I hold you on a shattered pedestal.  ...and all the reasons I once hated you for are all coming back to me. But I’m a better person than that. I seek peace at this point at my life. I am at peace with whatever you do in your life. I don’t think you are at peace, not just yet. But I think you need to mature more than me and grow up some. Just because you’re older than me doesn’t make you any wiser with you’re choices. The best choice you ever made was picking up that phone and making amends, but that doesn’t wash away almost two decades of pain and struggle. All of which you caused. I stayed down there for two fucking wasted years of my life trying to get you to notice me... I worked myself into burnout only for you to betray the one thing

I don't like to fail. I hate to fail. But I'm not afraid of it. I haven’t forgotten my art of war. I am still matching you chess move for chess move. I just don’t care to engage anymore. Once upon a time I thought you telling me that you loved me meant something. Now I just think it’s meaningless like everything’s else in our fucked up fatal fairy tale. I do think if you wanted me you’d come to me in an instant and for all my attempts to come to you is just mind manipulation to what end and agenda I don’t know. Mines transparent, my emotions on my sleeve. Within six months more likely within a few weeks you’ll be calling again and I will always fall for it, that’s how I know it’s real. I’m under you’re spell and I’m under you’re skin. You and I share a blood tie but it’s more than that it always has been. I only call one person on this earth soulmate. Even if we are fucked up shattered and broken, you are the missing piece of my soul. And I will always be here to try. Even thru

It’s loyalty, not blindly following you into oblivion. There is a difference and you would do well to Remeber that. You constantly betray me and turn my life into a living hell and I forgive you because I made a promise to myself. As long as that sliver    of hope remains I pretend that I can put up with you’re bullshit, but there is gonna come a day when maybe I won’t. I’m sick of you destroying my relationships with my friends and loved ones and what do I get? The odd fucking phone call and you open the window a little bit? Fuck that, I’m gonna live my life at full speed and do whatever the fuck I want, live fast die hard, leave a good looking corpse. I’ve already passed my life expectancies so from this point out I’m gonna burn out instead of fucking fading away. That’s the one thing you are afraid of the two of us, that one day I won’t love you without expectations. That day will never come, but I have something you want, something I refuse to fucking ever offer you at this point a

You ever use the most important thing I have ever bought you to gain an advantage against some fucking loser you’re dating, never speak to me again. I’m sick of being a pawn in you’re fucking life. That totally pissed me off, it may be waiting but there are fucking conditions. None of which that you will ever fucking meet. I’m sure of that. I have and will walk away from you, No fucks given. My broken heart healed a long time ago from the knife in my back and the only reason you get the patience that you do is because of our one blood tie and the shit that has happened in you’re and his life. You ruined me, I’ve come to live with that. But I have a pretty good fucking life without you, and honestly that I would only be moving sideways if we got back together. Why in fucking hell would I want that? I refuse to be the hidden one in you’re life, you need to acknowledge my fucking importance or walk the fuck away. You wonder why I never fight for you.... it’s because you’ve never given me

I was born into this, it’s all I know, I know how to fight and I know how to be a warrior and all I have ever tried to do to is protect those that I have loved, I know that I have failed, but I have tried. I am still trying, the best thing I ever did was lay down my swords and guns and stop fighting, it’s hard being the fighter and the warrior seeking peace, it’s not in my nature, I’m angry and hateful and violent, I do my best work when I’m driven by the anger and hurt inside, but somewhere along the line I recognized all it did was lead to my own ruin, it’s better to dwell on the peaceful moments in my life, not the battles, not the fights... a silent moment at a Buddhist temple almost forgotten, but it wasn’t.... memories of good freinds and even better adventures, seeing my sons eyes for the first time, my last coffee with dad, those are things that are important to me now, not fighting the endless war, what the fuck is that ever going to prove?  I’m done. I know that I will answer

I think part of you’re problem with any return to what we once were even while emotion remains is that you will have to deal and acknowledge the damage to all of our lives that you have caused. I don’t think you are ready to face that. I don’t think you ever will be. I think the moment you actually come back is going to be when you have nothing left and you’re life is as broken and damaged as mine... the fact that day isn’t far away should say everything about you’re life and not mine... I was born damaged... you just allowed the void to destroy you’re life... I am descended from warriors within living memory, his great grandfather was on the beaches in France, just because our war was more personal doesn’t mean it wasn’t as intense, and it damaged us both. You have had you’re own wars to fight and sadly you have failed in the most important one and the fractures of that are beginning to show. The fact that everything I said about him hating us both is coming to roost... at least I am

I don’t need to pretend to be a king, I am one. I live my life uncompromising and without rules. The only thing that is missing is my queen, but that’s her choice to live in my shadow with people that couldn’t hold my fucking jockstrap. I’m gonna live, I’m gonna have fun, and if I burn out, it’s still better than fading away. I have my friends and I have my life and I go on epic adventures. The one true regret in my life is that I let you slip away instead of going on our epic adventure or having a child first when we should have and delaying that epic adventure for a moment. Either way I do regret that moment and it fucking haunts me as much as it does you, I don’t show it as much as you do. But I don’t try and hide my pain with false queens the way you do with false kings, I don’t pretend to be anyone that I’m not. My friends and family would follow me into the bowels of hell if I needed them to and they have, I honestly don’t think outside outside of me you have anywhere close to th

I can and will return to the darkest parts of me when even the most trusted of Friends give me reason to doubt them. I have too much in my life to doubt anything in my mind or any of my decisions in life. I followed the rabbit hole to where it led and even it if I ended up in a black hole it’s still better than the pit of Hell I fell into trying to be something I wasn’t. You don’t need me in you’re life, I don’t need you in mine. I have this weird feeling that the next 6 months who will be left standing, and the fact the that it’s the same doubts I have had for the last few years on certain individuals says it all. Just remeber I bailed on a high school freind who I had been with since I was in my teens for insulting my ex girlfriend, you think you can judge me or act like you’re better than me? Please you don’t even know me. You only know the face I choose to show you, the face I choose to show the world. It’s different in every situation and I’m used to losing people in my life, it’s

I think I am ready this time if you walk away again for you to do it, it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that. But I think it’s time for my independence to shine thru like the falling fucking supernova star that I am, I don’t need you in my life, I will never fucking need you in my life. I want you in my life but I am fucking done sacrificing myself at the altar of hope for you to always break it down. I’ll be fine with walking away again. I’ve always been best as the lone fucking wolf anyways. It hasn’t been right for over 20 years and it’s been almost 17 years since it was at least what it was supposed to be. You have you’re ring, it’s been here for over a year... you know my next few chess moves. It’s you’re decision where we go next. I may love you but I don’t do hot and cold and I don’t like when I feel like I’m being hidden as a moment in you’re life, and even more than that you’re using me as a back up plan because you’ve made mistakes and failed as a partner and

  You want to be a king, be there for someone who has hurt you for two decades and be ready to catch her every time she lands.... that’s how you be a fucking king.... too bad my Queen prefers the fucking gutters. That will be remembered. I am no longer patiently waiting for my Queen to come back. I am being aggressive about the situation. I know she makes bad choices and needs me to protect her. That’s what a true king does, protects those he loves. And it’s not just her it’s also my little prince. ...and both of those, that will always be. Unconditional, unquestionable. I never expected to have these feelings agian in a tangible way so I’m always going to try to make it right. I have a good life. There’s only one thing missing and that’s the two of you.

  I live large because I know one day I won’t be living at all, and I don’t need fucking things... I just need to live, I just wanna feel something. It doesn’t matter who I’m with, there’s always gonna be a fucking story. I have always had a life worth living. I am fucking legendary. I intend to stay that way until oblivion takes me. I know my worth, even if you don’t.

  It’s not supposed to be like this. Theses are you’re choices not mine, you choose to continuously hurt me and push me away. You’re not    allowed to keep picking at the scab of the old wound that you self inflicted on the both of us....you will constantly betray me, that’s in you’re nature. Trust me I understand that part. You’re actions and behaviour make it easier each time to walk away and to keep walking away, you have nothing to ground me to your life anymore. Any further involvement is a choice for the both of us. The fact that there is a love and hate dynamic between us doesn’t mean that you don’t look in the mirror every morning and hate yourself for how everything turned out more than anything for how things turned out, that is one of the things I know. Even at our worst of hating each other, we always hated ourselves more.  The games you play and person you are sometimes being lately is not someone I have any interest being with, and even less being that person or an extens

  I am not everything good that you want in you’re relationships without having me, but I am everything good that is myself. I don’t need you to define me, that’s the difference between is, you’re co dependent shit, you either need to be with me or against me, I just need to be myself. That’s always been all I needed, but I want you as an extension of myself... I desperately want that, but I’m not going to sacrifice myself to that black hole for that... I’ll be perfectly fine on my own. You need the controlling intense intimidating version of me you’re life because that’s my dominating personality and it’ll never change because it’s also the protective, never surrendering, compassionate tactical side of me, I do think ten moves ahead on everything... even me and you, and I will be there to be at you’re side in crisis, I just shouldn’t have to be... but I’m not going to change because you need me to be me... and you need me to show my son how to be a man... you’ve raised him soft, he ne

  I am not a pawn agianst you’re chess game agianst some other idiot in you’re life. This is our life, we are not chess pieces in you’re live life’s game... and suddenly the grass is fucking greener on the other side. The behaviours and drama begins to be circular. I am at peace. You need me in you’re life more than I need you in mine. But I am always the one you fall back in love with, so stop trying to fill whatever I left you missing with with dirtbags and be mine... One day the chess board will shatter.., it’ll be over. One of us will be gone and the other will be wracked with regret. The rules have fucking changed, we have reached another marker in how we treat each other, because I will no longer tolerate you’re bullshit. I have a plan of the way I will do things, and you either come along for the fucking ride or you stop getting off and on the bus ride we call each other’s lives, I’m fine without you btw, but I’m sick of being hurt when you want me to rescue you from scum that a