Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I don’t know why I keep putting myself thru all this hell. I try and have emotions and look on the light side of things and every fucking time it’s a knife in the back. I am not the best friend or the childhood buddy. I am you’re ex husband and we’ve never really defined the ex part. Just that you’ve cast me away. But you want me on the fringes of your life for some reason. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to want to be that guy. I don’t like seeing you upset or in pain. It’s easier when I’m not an active participant in your life.  It was always easier. But that’s not what I was trying to be this time. But that time will have an ending. And it’s soon.  I can’t feel the way I do every time you want to lash out on me. I’m not worthy of that transference any more. It hurts too much to question everything that you think I am every time you pull this.  I am convinced that it’s not longer me being a good enough person for you anymore… it’s the guilt of you thinking you’re not a good en

I have made too many sacrifices to care as much as I fucking do now. It’s time for me to just be angry again and walk away. Maybe then you’ll realize there is something of value that remains.  I’ll see you in another decade or so, that’s the difference between us, I’ve always known what I’m capable of, and my value. And they are both great and terrible things.  But I’m fine going down this road solo, you aren’t the only one along my path. You’re just the most constant one. That isn’t always a positive. For the most part you’ve been an enemy and hated. That little bit of innocence that Ioves you still can be easily eroded. You’ve been the hate of my life for longer than I can remember. Those days can easily return. No fucks given remember. I’m fine on my own. I always have been, it just would have been nice to eventually fall into your pipe dream. But in the natural order of things anger and hate us better for both of us. It makes us stronger.  It’s just too bad that I have moved on fro

I don’t know why I have kept trying or why I still love you, almost 13 years after you killed and destroyed all that was left pure and good about me… all that was left was a hollow shell. I wanted peace and to leave you another broken piece of my past, but that wasn’t good enough for you, you needed to haunt my present. You are not part of my reality and have not been by your own personal choice in almost two decades. Why would I reverse course now?  I am a fucking ghost to you and him. Maybe that is the way things should fucking remain.  I’d rather be dead than deal with the whirlwind of emotions every-time you call. Do you honestly think that I don’t get angry with all your bullshit and imagination. One of us lives in reality and the other makes shit up. The problem is you’re unreality is affecting my reality. I’m no longer going to entertain illusions. Give me something to consider that is real and not the fantasyland world that you live in. Maybe I can consider something then. Till

I am sick of being you’re emotional support animal, I’m going to live my life and have fun with my friends and family and stop trying to save something you took away almost 20 years ago for a second time. The first time you didn’t even give me a fucking choice. I’m not one to hold grudges but I also want the freedom To go and be elsewhere. I’ve always been the living emotional tie you need in you’re life without any of the fucking benefits. We are too fucking old for mind games, we are too old to pretend like this is going to go anywhere but a dead end. You have always made that choice and you get fucking jealous of illusions. Once again I’m not even fucking allowed to have friends. That didn’t work out so well for us when we lived together, what makes you think trying to control my friend’s and my emotions and feelings towards Them is  going to do for you now? I won’t care. I don’t care. I’m not always going to be there as much as you want me to be. Because in you’re head I’ll never b

  I’m happy. I live my life and do interesting things. And nothing gets me down. I just live and have a blast. I know what my responsibilities are and I know what my escapes are. I’m going to choose fun and friend’s over battles, depression and waiting on choices that may never come. I’m good right where I am right now. That’s all that matter. 

  I’m happy being who I am right now with my friends and family in my life. I don’t need anyone that just wants to be adjacent to that. You’re either in my life or you aren’t. I am Lucky to have lived an interesting life and met interesting people. I know where to land and I know that there is a reason for everything but I do question some of my life’s choices. But being a good person and hanging out in the scenes I have always repaid kindness and friendship with that same. That’s the energy I go for now with everything I do in my life. That’s who I want to be. That’s all I want to be in this moment. Just happy having fun and living my life. No complications. I Fought my wars and gave up enjoyment for a long time as a sacrifice. Now I just want to enjoy my life and those around me.

I have spent my life never looking back, just going to adventure to adventure. That’s who I am. My life ain’t perfect but it’s mine. There is a moment I should have slowed down and appreciated what was on my table but we weren’t ready yet, maybe one day we will be. But for the moment I’m doing the same old things and living my life with no tommorow. Honestly I never expected to live this long, so when I can escape my responsibilities for a moment? I’m gonna run to the things I always said that we would do together. Sadly all these concerts and epic adventures I’m doing alone. That being said I have a crew of friends I see at every show  and I have never really not had one foot in the grave in the Toronto metal scene, which is funny as I haven’t lived there in almost 30 years… I was in the old neighbourhood from 95’ tonight. I felt no attachment.   I don’t look back. I don’t think you understand how hard it was for me to look back in 2002 when I had accomplished everything I needed to i

I’ve always preferred being you’re demon, the one you get to blame. That makes it fucking easier for you. Because you’ve always had blinders on to the true poisons in your life. First clue, it has never been me. I just did my best to love you. I still do even with it being complicated. I’m afraid to engage in other relationships because I know exactly how that will end. We are nothing and I am nothing more than a living emotional crutch for when you think you need me. Friends, no benefits.  I think I liked it better when we hated each other. At least back then I knew where we stood. This bullshit detente is something I tired of a long time ago. I can’t tell if it’s mental health, mind games or some sort of twisted twelve step program so you can have peace. The problem is I simply evolved past you a long fucking time ago. I am at peace. I’ve made amends with every one of my decisions in my life. Not all of them are good, but I have a good life now. You are still a prisoner to your emoti

We are a myth. An imagination in both our minds. Yes, we provide each other comfort when the world closes in, and we are the constant in each other’s lives… but there is no closure and there is only pretty words and day dreams… If anyone hasn’t told you, I don’t dream, and my life is the stuff of nightmares. Sadly you were the one pure moment in a lifetime of them, and even that got corrupted, but don’t think that I’m completely under the illusion that this will fix or ever heal. One day I’d like it to but I live in the reality that’s been created. Maybe now I understand that it wasn’t completely you’re doing, but I’m still the one affected, me and my son. I’ll fight for you, you know that, but I will completely go on the offensive for my child. You know that more than anything and exactly what that entails. I may be standing still and wishing for better days, but I’m not looking backwards for them. If and when it’ll be in the here and now. Not in echoes of a yesterday. That does neith

It meant something last week with that accident , it meant something when you worried about me being in the rough neighborhood. I was surprised when you called to make sure I was alright… the fact that you do care enough to check means I’m finally getting somewhere beyond you’re wall of selective silence. There is a reason when at the end you do have a seat at the table with any decision making… because occasionally you do little things that surprise me. But it also highlights the fact that I should no longer be your silent secret, we either need to be, or just not be. I can’t keep you at arms length forever. It simply hurts too much no matter how much I bury the emotions.. they are still there bubbling to the surface, they never went away not really.  I can easily go back to not caring, but the fact I am your silent constant and I’ve never betrayed your trust even when I should have across the decades should speak volumes about my character. I don’t deserve to be a hidden and forgotte

  I am having fun with this. And being able to do charity moments like todays blood donation makes me feel pretty good. It’s a hobby and it gets me out of the house with my friends and it’s Amazing to see the reactions in public.  I like being able to feel normal and just have fun because I have had moments in my life when I felt that part of my life was behind me. Now, I think that I’m slowly getting back to normal and it’s better for my mental health to be outside and social. I like my new and old friend’s and I enjoy coming out of my skin like this… and it gives me a little purpose again. I’m enjoying it.

Sometimes it’s just nice to have simple moments with my brother and simply have a night out watching a football game. I treasure little breaks with him just as much as I do our big vacations. It’s simple enough to escape to Toronto too. Need to do some more. A nice fall night, a cool breeze in my hair. That’s all I need. It was nice to see the 150th Argos celebration and the drone show. But simple is sometimes all we need. Then again, this is me doing simple.

  There is something about going back to Windsor and spending time with my best friends esp now with added Devon, that always makes me feel better and a little more recharged. It reminds me that I wasn’t always in a dark place and that I did do things on my own and defined myself as myself in a new place, barring responsibilities it would be very easy to go back to living up there.  But like everything it’s a nice pipe dream, I have responsibilities here. The only way i would go back home to Windsor is with my family, and I’d still keep one foot in the grave in Hamilton, that’s not by choice, only by fate and I don’t think he’d ever leave his home. But it’s nice to visit and remember who I once was, this time without the baggage of anyone in my life.  When you truly don’t care what anyone from you’re past thinks of you? That’s freedom. I went home and just had fun, no bullshit, no drama. No relationships. Just good friend’s.  I’m becoming who I want to be again, I am finding peace in m

I am at peace, there is a something that helps every trip back to Windsor. I’m glad that I was able to do that trip with two people I care about deeply and I hope that the next trip it will possibly be someone else, but we shall see.  But for now I am at peace, I am content and I am looking positively to the next step. This is where I found the warrior inside, and this is where I decided to stop letting the warrior mentality define the rest of my life. I can find solace and peace here. This is where I truly grew up and became a man, it’s too bad it was such a rollercoaster. Windsor was the first place I ever felt comfortable in my own skin. And it’s nice to still be known, sometimes Windsor famous isn’t a bad thing. It’s nice to know I still have good freinds and options in Windsor and going back in costume was fun as hell. I know that I’m enjoying my life and that nothing can stop me and my crew from having a good time. Happy birthday brother, I hope you enjoyed you’re 40th on Saturda

I am home, I am happy. I am with two of my favourite people in the world and we just made his fortieth birthday amazing. We did our thing and met the predator and we went for a nice family birthday dinner. This is all I need in my life. Good freinds and a few beers. I am home, I miss it here.